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Hi all, Well, since last I wrote I have become unemployed – YAY! It was by choice, I had been planning on going back to school part-time when my employer offered a reasonably generous “buy out” package, so I took it – this way I can go back to school full-time and finish in 2 years instead of 3 (I’ll be attending NYU in the fall, going for a Masters in Social Work). So for the next 2 months, until Orientation on August 31, I am completely free. What I hadn’t considered was the “identity crisis” that would create – let’s face it, most people identify by their job, and I currently have none, and although I’m registered for classes, I haven’t really started being a student yet either. That brings me to the main point of this entry!!! As I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have GRS (or SRS if you prefer) scheduled for December 27. Because this is sooner than we had been discussing, my therapist asked if we could start meeting twice a week for a while – she’s (hopefully) writing one of the letters I’ll need, so she wants to make sure we cover what needs to be covered. I’m fine with that – I have the time, I like her, and I think it’s important work (I don’t like the fact that the WPATH standards call for more than informed consent for surgery, but I still think it’s important to make sure you know what you’re getting into. As a starting point, I started a “list” of things that I think I should be aware of, considering, etc., in connection with GRS – I wanted to post that here and seek feedback – either additional items for the list, comments on the things I listed, whatever – and hopefully this can be of some help to others who are planning or even thinking about GRS J So here’s my list – just bullet-point form, for now without any details on my thoughts - and in no particular order: · How will peeing be different? · How will orgasms be different? · Clothing will fit different · I will feel more completely – fully a woman · I’ve had a penis all my life – is it possible I’d miss it? · What will care and “maintenance” be like? · Are there new health issues to be concerned about? And are any health concerns being eliminated? · There’s no going back = unlike other parts of transitioning which are, more or less “reversible” · I probably have a better chance at a relationship as a gay man than as a straight woman – and this removes being able to “present” as a gay man · Could I handle regret if it lasted long-term? And I really, really want to emphasize that these are literally any thought or question I could think of – some of them seem more important to me, some of them barely register in terms of importance, but I think it’s necessary to address everything that you can think of. At this risk of sounding prematurely defensive, I say that just to preclude anyone from saying that “if X is really important you shouldn’t proceed with the surgery!”

Looking good Nicky, I am three months and not far behind you. Do you also catch yourself when you bring your arm across your front. I am so happy for you and for myself too. Big hugs.

Just a hair over 2 months now, and i can not be happier as i feel at ease and calm mind, as for physical changes approx 3 weeks in breast buds had appeared along with sore and tenderness now a almost full A cup with tender nipples and some lactation , i have had slowed hair growth of facial hair, and mild size reduction of the testicals etc.. so far everything is peachy just watch out for doors they kinda hurt when you bump them with your chest

Hi all Yesterday Monday 2016-06-13 at between 02:45 and 03:00 another police officer friend of mine was gunned down. I know that some of you will be telling me to look after myself and be safe outside, but then I can think of this to say, if it is my time to die, no matter what I do and where I go, I will die. So I prefer to face everything head on so I know, I went out the way I lived and believed in, my way. Yesterday's guy was on police college with me and at the interim police station before college. So we grew close and hugged as a greeting and made as if we kissed to freak the hell out of people sometimes. He was a soft soul, that I respected, adored, would protect with my life, and could trust with my life. He was one of those police members that almost never lost his temper, and would do what it takes and usually went above and beyond the call of duty. What saddened me was that I went to take keys to the scene 6 almost 7 hours later and unbeknown to me he was still lying on the ground where they gunned him down. Something in me told me not to go closer and just leave the key with one of the seniors and went back to the station. When I drove by another 6 to 7 hours later they were still busy with the scene and only 2 and half three hours prior to that removed his body from the scene and he laid there for 10-11 hours before they were allowed to move him. As I'm typing this to commemorate the life of a friend Mthetho Sandla, my tears are welling up, as I will never get to hold him in my arms, smell him, see him in front of me, or laugh with him. Okay in all the good he did, I should probably say this, mention one thing where you could see how much I cared for him. Last year while I was still on the shift, I was called in by the ladies on my shift, because Mthetho was in a predicament and being arrested for drunken driving with a traffic officer. I got to the station, asked if I may speak to him, and asked how he was doing? He just laughed and said he is alright. I asked why and how he was arrested? He had some drinks and his fiance instructed him to fetch her, even after he told her that he had something to drink and don't want to drive. She became insistent and forced him to fetch her, where he was pulled off in the area and got arrested. I went inside to ask the Warrant Officer whom was writing the books to sort him out, because he can't go in the sells where he has arrested so many people before. The Captain of my shift was out and when he heard about it he also came in and heard me begging for Mthetho's safety. When the Warrant insisted he could do nothing, I told him to if he can't do something, I will and I won't go out until this is sorted out. (In South Africa if a government official was locked up for drunken driving we are allowed to give them a free bail and warn them to appear in court the first court date that comes after that, but certain police, traffic, metro will let that person lie in the sells because they aren't nice. I'm not saying that police will be released when they committed murder, rape or anything like that. But had a glass or two too many.) I processed him like any other criminal and he was laughing all the way, telling me that as a student I was always the suspect and always got inked up, it only seems fair that he feels how it feels to be inked up. The charging was done and I wrote out the police bail for him and my Captain signed because no one else wanted to, and my rank wasn't high enough at the time, but I was willing to take the punch for a person I knew wouldn't ever be locked up for committing a robbery, murder or rape. He was looking for his car keys and told me to give to him as he sobered up enough to be under limit. I told him, I charged you, I released you, and I love and respect you to much to let you drive home, because I can tell him with all honesty that the traffic were informed where you living and are covering all routes there. I will either go home after my shift ends unless he promises to stay home on our friendship, and for the first time in his life he allowed me to drive the vehicle home, where I parked it and he went inside. Yes, I kept the key in case his fiance called again, as I knew he needed to sleep and handed the keys over to her during the day. I know this sounds like I got the back of my friends, but if I know they don't drive like that and it was because they were forced, I will help them. And I believe that no peace officer (traffic, metro, correctional, police, ens) should be placed in a sell where they might just end up with the person they arrested or could be killed in there, so I have a soft spot for all people. And when I know that they aren't a threat or I know where and how to find them. So I didn't just do this for a friend, but a guy that was nice when he didn't notice he knew me, and the previous times he saw me he was reprimanding me for nothing. After that he said he will never be that way again... I haven't checked if he remembered me, but should. When someone at work said but they can't release him because they can't verify anything of him. I came forth and said, he works there, he asked me how I knew, and I told him he was shouting at me when he saw me the first time and subsequently seemed to dislike. He said, he never actually looked who it was, when I described my car to him, he remembered the incident well and that was that. Mthetho, in all the years I've known you (beginning of January 2005, 10th of Jan we went to college), you never disrespected me, showed me the caring and loving side of you. I can't forget you, and I love how you were a part of my life and made it that much richer. Don't worry about the tears in my eyes babez, it isn't just tears of sadness, but tears sent into the universe to spread the news that an angel has been set free to grace the world of his mercy as God would want it to be. And don't think that it will get easier, I will just learn how to deal with the sorrow and the pain. Mthetho say hello to Luntu, and my father from me. Even though I know they are reading this message with you as I am saying. Lots of LOVE, RESPECT AND ADORATION FOR A FRIEND I CAN'T AND WON'T REPLACE, BOTH YOU AND LUNTU ARE ON MY MIND.' Daddy I still speak of you to people, miss you too. Love you so much. I think I typed more the enough to remember Mthetho. Luntu, I will never forget us sharing smileys, we had a lot a food we shared. You told me I'm black on the inside and white on the outside. I remember how I got beaten in a fight and you also couldn't handle the guy, but the blows you guys gave made me fly, and in the end it took both of us to get the suspect under control, and it was the first time you saw that I am human and capable of being beaten. Lots of Love, Hugs and Kisses Michele

Dear Ace, Think that everyone is looking to the Internet to make friends, and then following up with face to face friends. Have friends in many different states (Internet, snail mail and telephone friends). Actually have one face to face friend who I met on an Internet dating service. Another friend I knew face to face in Brooklyn for ten years is now a weekly telephone friend since I moved to upstate New York from Brooklyn. Today demands people to be more flexible in making and keeping friends. Just be aware that someone can be very different on the Internet versus telephone versus face to face. They may not be trying to deceive you, it is just that each technology brings out different aspects of a person. For example, I tend to be much more formal when I send a snail mail letter than when I am on the telephone or in person. Please be aware that chemistry can NOT be judged on the Internet, Skype, snail mail, and most ALWAYS be evaluated face to face, and CAN'T be rushed. May I also suggest www.meetups.com, which are based more on common interests rather than gender or sexual orientation, although there ARE transgender and sexual orientation groups. Yours truly, Monica

Thanks Monica. Thanks for the info. Ace

Hi there Blessed be to all. As I start off thinking about myself, I know if I could change anything about myself, it would be: My gender by protecting myself from having to experience gender specific issues the world have,Keep my height and weightBe fit and limber, a perfectionist when it comes to kungfu, tai chi, tae kwan do, and numerous other martial arts formformsSpeak language I stil understand and more, German, Dutch, Italian, French, Spanish, Mandarin, Japanese, Korean, Taiwanese, Hindi, Urdu. Okay just be a linguist that catches languages in mere minutes, but be as fluent in Afrikaans and English ooh and make that Xhosa, Zulu, Pedi, Tswana. Not that I'm not fluent in Afrikaans (kinda suck at it, but still have a better understanding then most people), and more so in English. (Okay my first language was Afrikaans, but as the business language changed in South Africa, so I began speaking, reading, and writing much less and in some cases I just stopped.)Okay, my list is much longer but I don't want to keep typing in 5 or 6 hours just to be busy with what I would change, but in te end if I changed anything in my past I wouldn't be the same Michele Heynes that I am today. I am Tall (5'8¼) 1.74mSlender enough (140Lbs) 63kgs, yes fattish if you talk about a modelSpeak, read and write in Afrikaans and English more then proficiently. Speak mixed up in German and Dutch, and understand on a basic level, speaker screwed up in Mandarin and Xhosa, more so Mandarin then Xhosa, mixing Xhosa and English and I'm proficient on a basic understanding levelevelHazelnut colored eyesKnow I'm originally intersexed, but will rather just be meKnow my weapons and carsNot afraid to die, death becomes us all, but not before I used my punani.The point I'm trying to make is this easy... We all are unique individuals, our own strengths and weaknesses, desires and fears. By accepting the struggles we had to endure even if it almost took a lifetime for some to maintain or gain the confidence to soldier in and be true to ourselves. Like Jazz who was fortunate enough to present as female from a young age. Kaitlyn on the other side of the spectrum that waited to be true to herself very late in life. Or life me that would verbalize what I was feeling and have always been true to myself but knew for he kind of work I wanted to do, I knew the struggles would inadvertently only allowing me to start transition in my early 30s and keeping a fight I never thought I would have to endure. Oh well, the fight was as I expected unpredictable and unnerving. My humanity was questioned as selfpreservation kicked in and an analytical bitch with fighting and research capabilities. So even if you wished you could've change the past, leave it as is, because we never will be the same for the actions we changed in our past. Lots of love, hugs and kisses. Be who you need to be and forget about the past you wishing to change, as it would inevitably leave a person in your wake that no one can think off or would want to be at any hotel or between people of interest Cheers Michele​

Dear Ace, Here at TGGuide you will make lots of friends. Also, when you attend Gender Conferences, you may meet many of the friends you made at TGGuide. Am assuming you live near Rochester Polytechnic Institute and other colleges. Many of them have LGBT organizations, and they are open to non-students. You may want to Google "LGBT Centers in Rochester, NY," as well as "Gender Conferences 2016," some of which may be relatively near you. You should be no more than a couple of hours drive from a transgender support group. Take your time as TGGuide is very information rich, and I would start at reading the Forums and Blogs. Glad to see you are writing your own blog. Find it very therapeutic writing my own, and I enjoy reading readers' responses. Remember, TGGuide is a very emotionally safe place! Yours truly, Monica

Thanks Veronica! I'm still getting used to this site.

Hiya Nicky. Thank You Very Much for Your Good Wishes. Nicky, I hope that All goes well for You Young Lady, When You go to see the Endo, on the 16th. You can be so Proud of Yourself, with how far You have already come. Continuing Good Luck as well. Nicky, Take Care Young Lady, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx

Back to endo on the 16 th hope the news is good for me too,, Step53 i hope everything goes smooth for you

Hiya Nicky. Well Young Lady, You are looking Good. I Love the Pink Top. Pink is My Favourite Colour. Nicky, Congratulatios, on Your first 2 Month's on Hormones. ( I have an appointment with My Doctor's, this coming Wednesday Morning, and I Am hoping, that they will Starr Me on Hormones, as I have already been living, and Dressing; Full-Time as a Female, for over One Year Now. ). Nicky, Continued Good Luck, and Good Health, and You look Gorgeous Young Lady. Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx

Thank you sweety