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So since Nikki's depression has been seriously lifted due to the combined efforts of therapy and his medication and the life chagnes, I'm making an effort on the holidays this year. I have severely mixed feelings about holidays, so much unpleasantness to others hidden in that cheer, but what the #*&&. Nikki's having a good time and can use some festivity in the middle of winter. And me, being the extremely clumsy thing I am, managed to injure myself several times already trying to get things done. But I did manage to get through the annual 'do these lights work? Is this knot physically able to be undone or has it entered some weird form of light string knot immortality?' without getting the cat tied up with them this year, that's progress. I'm trying to figure out where to put the tree. So I was talking to my mom (when I can't get out of it, I admit) and she said she always thought I would outgrow the bruises and cuts and fails to understand how as an adult I can look like a clumsy three year old. Well, gee, probably because I am clumsy, but mostly because I live with two cats and a dog. 90% of the cuts come from them. And, unlike her, I don't sit on my butt all day, but I get up and do things, which occasionally means bruises and cuts and burns. Bree no longer takes parental criticism well, it's never anything close to normal 'your family cares about you' and now it just triggers a lot of rage. I'm tired of my mom implying I'm an awful daughter when she spent my entire childhood in her bedroom reading harlequin books with no idea where i was most of the time. I had to pester her an hour to get fed, at age 6. Cuz you know, putting the cheap romance formulaic novel down for 10 minutes to heat some frozen food and feed the kid would be a tragedy. So much fun trying to sort out that inner rage and holidays at the same time, but we have managed to get the lights up, work out a menu for xmas dinner, and my deep cleaning project on the house is going rather well, and progress in reducing the amount of weird clutter we have around is going well also. Trying to put together a Christmas list for Nikki, he hates trying to shop for me without one, but I have no idea what i want. Meh. My new dress for vacation this spring is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I'm going with the aim of blinding at least half the boat with a sliver sequin dress that Nikki found and told me to buy for this. My skin on the underside of my arms is going to despise me, sequins hurt, but I don't care, SPARKLE! Nikki has been slowly replacing my functional ugly clothes with stuff he wants to see me in, and have a great time doing it, and I've only balked at one or two things, mostly on issues of color. I cannot wear yellow, I look like I'm going to die, it does something creepy to my skin when I try to wear yellow. Which sucks, cuz I like it. Nikki shares this trait though, and can't rock the yellow either. I have to redo our hair. I also have to decide if I want to keep the peace with his family and dye my hair some sort of natural color for the cruise or not. Probably not, ,I love my green and if my family can deal, so can his. Today...is a day off. The new Pokemon games come out, so Nikki and I have to catch them all.

I'm so sad for the yellow, so many neat clothes for both Nikki and I in that color...and it goes horribly wrong. LOL It makes us look like we have some form of severe jaundice going on. The dress arrived, and it fits nicely, despite my panic fears because I ordered a size smaller than I usually do becuase I have lost some more weight adn ignoring that voice in my head I followed their size charts after Nikki took measurements. I have an awkward body where my shirt size is different from my pant size, and this can get really tricky with dresses, but I tried it on yesterday and it works beautifully. Although it weights a ton, it's been so long I forgot how much sequins WEIGH when the entire garment is covered in them. Nikki has been teasing me that I loaded it with a lead lining. I think I would fall over if I tried a full length sequin covered gown. I can't imagine how heavy that would be with all that many more.

p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; text-align: center; font: 14.0px Helvetica} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; text-align: center; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px} p.p3 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica} p.p4 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px} Road On Recovery Week 1 This week was the first week that i have lived, laughed, cried and gone through my own daily stresses of life, finally seeing the world clearly with ought ANY distortion or warped perceptions from crystal methamphetamine. I am currently writing to you today on day 11 of what i call my 'Road on Recovery' and here to update you of any struggles i have come across, any urges i have had and any obstacles i have overcome or possibly failed... This week started off pretty standard nothing really special. When Monday came rolling in i had finally been sober for a few days now and had gotten over the period of hiding myself away from the world and thriving in self pity. It got to a stage where i had often found a obstacle to try and overcome which for me took a lot of strength and will power to try and tackle. When my relapse finally had kicked off after leaving year 12 i had got to this obstacle of a mindset where i would be in bed for days and life felt like it had nothing to offer me to even consider climbing out of my hibernation of self pity and self loathing. it eventually got so bad that i had this thought every night after midnight had set in, 'So do i go to bed? Do i put on an alarm? Wait..When do i even get up? What do i have the next day that will determine when i need to get up?' This in summary basically meant that i came to the shocking realisation that i had nothing going for me in life. I realised i had left my old school without making any real solid friends to keep myself busy, i had managed to alienate the only one true best friend by becoming over run in a world i had set up for myself filled with deception and false authenticity to myself. Eventually after dipping myself into drugs that eventually became the answer to everything i have just written. I let myself and i do write 'let myself' because at times i did look in the mirror quite knowing what i was doing and continued on to anyways. So every time after a couple days of attempting to obtain from drug taking i would come to the obstacle, just like the one i had come across earlier this week of trying to ignore those overwhelming thoughts and find the will power to drag me over the line and want to try and find things to do during my day that will get me out of my bed and start living rather then injecting meth and making that the easy alternative. I am happy to report to you all, whoever you are reading that i more than dragged myself over that hurdle, i ran towards it and leaped right over. and tho this came up again and again i could always rely on what has become a true light in any darkness and it may sound silly too some but it honestly has become some inch of reason to get up in the morning, and something i became disappointed about if i wouldn't tick of my list of something to do and that was a long run/walk with music pumping. It honestly gives me such power and positive thoughts after i have achieved tackling this. I have continued this by keeping myself busy all week by working on strained relationships and making time for them and making up for a lot of lost time. When Wednesday had dawned i woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed (why my cat was the opposite as usual, deciding to sleep the entire day in what I'm sure she thinks is "her" bed and I'm the guest) regardless got up and ticked off my morning run in morang wetlands. Today seemed promising and full of hope. I had made plans to go and see my best friend who was one of those strained relationships in my life i had managed to alienate in that period of when i was in year 12 but lucky enough to have her in my life again but sadly during a difficult time of illness, drug taking and days of going MIA. I believe my best friend who for safety and respect reasons shall leave there name anonymous, could tell that something was up as i was clearly not myself, had not been replying to there texts and frankly not being there at all for this person. I will state this person regardless of just giving me yet another chance to be in there life, still put up with this and still continued to give me the love and support i needed and was there for me if i ever needed to talk or come crumbling down to. So now that i had been sober 7 days as of this day i was excited to finally see her and try and make positive memories and begin to try and mend and make up for all the time i had been away on my relapse. Sadly tho my best friend had something come up for them and had to rain-check and tho i was saddened as i was already up and ready i knew it would be for a proper reasoning and i told myself that they had trusted me and had faith in me so i had to do the same and try and believe the best in them. So with hope and promise for the rest of the day still being in tact regardless decided that instead of this getting me down i would call my father and see if he had time to spend together. I had not seen my father in over many months, often abandoning him in his time of need when going in for hospital emergency stays, surgeries to remove cancer and nearly 80% of his liver. I make no excuses for this as i strongly feel that i let him down as not only as his child but as a support network and feel quite ashamed in myself for what could basically be seen as a slap in the face after all the things he has given up for me, after all the time and effort he has put in for crazy ole me. I wish to take this sentence to donate to him by saying i honestly take my hat of to him for being so young and taking on an entire family and loving us all so powerfully and equally and i look up to him for giving up your youth to do so but without ever complaining or letting this impact us. Though no parent is perfect my father always tried to be the best he could be for his children and always made sure we had clothing on our backs, a roof over our head and food on our plate, so i love you dad! So after ringing up and him answering to my surprise welcomed my invitation of seeing him and did not seem to hold any grudges on my short comings only wanting to be there for me. I am pleased to say that i think we have began rebuilding a relationship and have been in contact often and i myself have tried to include him in my life and all the positive things i can share and i hope i can be there for his too. The day went smoothly, i had a nice salad lunch and we had a nice chin wag and wrapping up the afternoon by watching suicide squad which i loved because the joker and Harley Quinn were just to adorable haha. We concluded our time together by him dropping me off at the station and me commencing my travels to crown casino to see another dear friend of mine which was another yet strained relationship . He was just like my dad with welcoming me back into his life and not holding any grudges, we spent the night having a splendid meal in gold class and watching Nocturnal Animals. The rest of my week was spent basically like the one i have just depicted above, getting up and going for a run, meeting up with friends and taking my nighttime medication at an appropriate time to get up the next morning. Having a routine like this and finding ways and WANTING to find ways to sustain from drug taking and wanting again to find reasons to make these plans more desirable and important then drug taking. I am happy to report that this method has continued to work for me. There was only one big negative emotion i felt during my week and that was on Thursday when i had to take my cat to the vet because of an infection but again i am proud of myself because i handled it by opening this up to my best friend who again was a huge support to me. I saw Fantastic Beast and Where To Find Them as well in the cinemas with my best friend on Thursday and have proudly managed to log in a total of 22 KM of run/walk over 4 days. I am going to end this with a tip to those who may be reading who may be going through something similar such as a person abusing elicit drugs and wanting a way to keep them from continuing patterns and that would be find yourself a routine, no matter how small, whatever works for you! mine is making sure i get up at a reasonable hour and commence my day with a run with music that i find inspiring and motivating, often with making healthy meal choices and working on things in my life that i have let slip. Honestly it may not seem it now but the hard work is so worth it and i wish everyone out there on similar journeys the best on there road to recoveries. If you wish to see pictures and more regular updates of my week and the things that i get up to, or even just to show support or say hello these are my social media accounts. I definitely would appreciate it if you could show support by following, liking and sharing this blog post to everyone and anyone especially not only just for myself but so that it can reach more people so hopefully someone on the same journey as me can come across this. Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/BlairJamieTransteen/ Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/blairb98/ Snapchat- blair.hill982 Twitter- https://twitter.com/TheBlair98

Yeah, stick with green hair, and avoid yellow. Rock the sequins, girl!

Hi there everyone Know that this have been a while. But I can promise that I have more then enough to tell. Where to start, is a good question, and like I tell everyone go to the beginning. But in this instance, I will take different headings for different starts. So LONG STORY I THINK... DATING Well since I last was on I got in a relationship and ended it a few days ago. But here goes the experience. Well as I never go looking for things like this, I can't say that I was on the hunt. But this is how the hunted story starts. Went to a friends place, I haven't seen in a while and one of the children I knew has finally grown up. Darnit, I even forgot about him because he was really all grown up, and no, it wasn't him. I continued going in as I only realized that my friend is a qualified hairdresser and went to check out her skills. Didn't take notice of the guys in a way to actually say I'm available and the one just continually messed with me. Made it his point to walk in on me and scare the living daylight out of me while singing. Oh, I actually know how to use my vocals and just tried to ignore that I knew this. Pushed him away after a month of constant harassment and me stating I don't do children. He asked what is a child on him, he is old enough. Okay, in the push he fell over and was lying on his back and I ended up sitting on top of him to tell him why it wouldn't work with him. And I get told I'm not that strong, but lean in he wants to say something and started kissing me. Pushed him down and away from my mouth, even though his kissed intrigued me. Still held my grounds that he is too young, and for a week or two he continuously kissed me and told me that it will happen that I will allow him in. Well lets forget the pelvis grinding he did and later pinning me down, before I stopped fighting him. I looked at him and found his Identity Document and noticed that he is legal aged and basically 17 years younger than me. How I'm hearing the ladies shout, cougar, cradle snatcher, you could've changed his nappies while he was a baby. Well, I eventually let my guard down and accepted that a younger guy was interested in me. Let him kiss and go on with me. Even let him take me to a club, me at a club. I'm way to old for that crap, I don't do clubs unless I truly need to unwind and there is no open punching bag. But then I also have grown up to the degree where I won't drink and drive. I know the practice was bad, but in my prior few years I would keep my blood alcohol level within the legal limit. The things I enjoyed most about the dating scene were the following. The greeting when I make my appearance or he made his appearance. That I didn't have to hide anything about me. I made it clear I identify as transgender and that I wasn't going to have a sex relationship before I am ready to. I liked the way he touched my skin, the kisses, yes even the pinning down, and me in turn pinning him down. The trust he had in me, or is it has, because we still friends and not with benefits. Being treated like the young lady I was viewed as. Does me ending the relationship because I couldn't see any growth or positive path after a while, and that sex was becoming a topic that I didn't want to cross over too. Having the full surgery is my goal and that is the only way that I want to be intimate with a someone, as I still don't agree with my full body experience. Does it mean that I'm not flirting with men because of this extra boost of confidence, well apparently I have become a prime target on the dating scene and have connected communicatively, but then again none of my electronic profiles I created doesn't misrepresent me as a whole. And I notice that most people don't even read that part I left open to make them decide if they want to befriend me or not. I have no qualms telling people I'm transgender either, as it is an essential part of me. I say I identify as transgender, though born intersex and if I'm not in the mood to educate, I will also ask not to ask me about it go do research and come back later to me. I even get new friends that are new to being trans and using the derogatory slang as they don't know better and will do my lecturer stance and correct them on the spot. But yes, I currently have a few conversations going, and I know that some guys are only looking for experimenting and I end up asking questions that makes some guys squirm and just delete themselves from my life. So that is the dating front. Oh, did I mention that I got a few marriage proposal in this time frame that I have been missing. SERGEANT RANK The list came out and my name was one of the first for the promotions from Constable to Sergeant and then the effective date was a while back, but the confirmation that the last list is the correct list needs to come, because we had to fill in paperwork's and I don't think that the national office realized that we are so many people that need to be promoted. I just hope that everything is right by the time that I get back to work from leave and can wear Sergeant ranks. Well if my plans had gone as I originally wanted in the police, I would've been a Captain by now, and would've been a Sergeant by 2010, Warrant Officer by 2012, and Captain by 2014. But then changes happened and the waiting period to Sergeant was drastically increased. HAIR GROWTH AND COLORS My hair has grown by about 2 inches (5cms), I got some streaks in and then changed my color to red and naturally got some blond streak highlights, because my hair was bleached before coloring it. I have stayed with my friend the hairdresser from the end of August till now, and for basically 2 months the growth is substantial, and my hair hasn't looked healthier in ages. Do I have anything else to gossip about of myself??? I don't think so. But, seeing as things are going in all directions with me, some bad, some good. I am just enjoying the rest of the life and expecting anything to happen when it must happen. I have made peace with my maker decades ago, so if I must die, it is a good day to die. And if I continue to live, it is the best days to live and be prosper. Be safe ladies, I will be safe on leave and will be tempting fate to see if I am actually going to step into a relationship with a guy that is a year younger then me, just saying. I'm enjoying this dating game... Cheers ladies. Have a splendid time and stay gorgeously perfect. Michele

Dear Michele, Emma and Karen, Personally, I try to date women (I am a cisgender Lesbian) who are no more than 10 years my junior or senior, because I like to be with a person who is from the same generation as I am. Also, I prefer transwomen who identify as Lesbians because they seem to try harder at relationships than cisgender Lesbians. Still do date cisgender Lesbians. My one true love of 10 years, with a transwoman who identified as a Lesbian, we had a very cerebral love (she was a brilliant and very kind woman) and I would say that we would both identify as demisexuals, which are people who fall in love with another's CHARACTER rather than their physical looks or sexual prowess. Would love to find such a woman again! Yours truly, Monica

Emma you wouldn't believe this, my grandmother and grandfather from my mom's side takes the cake. The age gap was 26 years, with my grandfather being the oldest. Funny thing is you outlived all his wives and she was his last wife. He passed away when my mom was 18 years old and she passed away when my mom was about 2 years old. So yes age really is nothing but a number in my family. The oldest sister takes 2nd place, with her husband whom was 24 years older then her, and 3 years older then my mom. Then my parents take 3rd position, 17 years age difference with my dad being the older one. So normally it is the men in my family that is the older party, and I would be setting a record on the female side. My oldest brother though was 10 years older then his wife, and he passed away a few weeks after my passing out of police college. Emma and Karen, thanks for the wishes, but we still waiting on the notification that we can wear our ranks, even though they backdating it to last year when we officially had the qualifications. On being an inspiration, I'm just living my life according to what I need to and how I see it fit for anyone to live their lives. Confirmed after this that this young guy was screwing around and gave the option of stopping as the person he is screwing on the sidelines isn't one of my favorite people, therefore broke it off. Weirdest part is, his friends are actually sticking up for me and saying that he should've known not to play with a good thing. So broke it off without shedding a tear, as tears would be to much of a hassle for me to waste on a person that is a cheater. So hope this doesn't deter anyone from dating, not all men are cheaters and can't be brushed with the same brush. We actually have good guys out there that doesn't mind our differences, because it's not the differences that makes us, but the soul of the person that determines if we are worth loving or not. I just got played and remembered at the same time, that I'm still in the controllers seat and I have the choice to allow it to continue or to put a stop to it. Love Michele Xoxo

Congratulations on your promotion!!!

Dear Michele, So good to hear from you! I love your updates, on dating, your hair, and especially, your promotion. I think your promotion to sergeant is so important for you as well as for your colleagues and the public, to see a transgender woman as a professional and viable member of society. It's people like you who are paving the way to everyone else, especially those who are much younger. But really, I'm also so happy to hear about your fun on the dating scene. A year younger? So what! My wife is 7 years older than me... Really, age is not that big a deal. Now 17 years difference is a lot, at least in my book. :-) Best wishes, Emma