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So we went up to Toledo to do some shopping for xmas, much more selection up there than our town, and our favorite calzone place is on the way, so awesome lunch. And while we're shopping, someone calls out to Nikki, and it took me a moment to place him, but it was our former roommate. Sweet guy, and it was lovely to catch up. I said he and his family should come down and I'll cook a dinner, and we could make the details on Facebook. He said he thought I'd quit using it, it got dark on my wall. To which I replied my Dad getting on Facebook made it really weird...and he looked at me and goes, "Yeah, I saw all that. I couldn't believe he was backtalking everything you said and did, and wondered why you talked to him at all." It was...a wonderful moment. Someone not really all that vested in making me happy analyzing the interactions objectively, and telling me I'm not crazy. After all the family gaslighting that I"M the problem (and even though you firmly try not to believe, it works it's way in when that is normalized since you are a child), it was really comforting that someone else was mindblown and not telling me that I have to forgive and accept my father because that's just the way he is. Best Christmas Gift ever. I had been all geared up to defend myself again...and just got patted on the head with a you did good sorta moment. And I only have a few groceries and one more person to buy for tomorrow and I'm done. WOOT!

LOL You have never seen me completely lose my mind in the presence of a tiny garter snake. Phobias are fun! I can handle heights, spiders, bugs(except maggots, so gross), whatever, but things have to have LEGS, FINS, WINGS, or something. Some sort of limbs. I love all limbed reptiles, but not the limbless ones. The legless lizard freaks me out to. I'm convinced the biology peeps are nuts and lying to me, that's a snake. Hm...blue crab mabye...but don't quote me in stone on that. Grandpa used to take me to Assateague Island a lot, I love that place, it's a rolling island off the coast of Maryland/Virginia. If you've ever heard of the book Misty of Chincoteague (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misty_of_Chincoteague) book series, they're written about Assateague and it's sister island Chincoteague. There's a herd of wild ponies on Assateague (with a fanciful origin story of a sinking spanish galleon, but most likely someone was using the island as a natural corral and never went back) and you can camp on the Maryland side of the island with the ponies roaming around, it's awesome. They come right through your camp site as they please. Waking up to find one looking int the window of the camper at you was amazing. Once a year on the Virginia side they round them all up, swim them on the channel between the islands, and auction off the foals to support the fire house and other emergency services on the island with a large fair, best crabcake sandwhiches ever, quite the spectacle. People who buy them though need to be aware they're only ponies because of the high salt content in all the vegetation stunting their growth, if you take a foal and feed it nutritious food you will have a full horse. I love Assateauge so much, we're going to try to orchestrate a camping week this summer. One summer I got within a foot of a great blue heron, I'm not sure who was more starlted, bird or Bree. But one of the things you can do there is crabbing by these docks, and we had a little too much fun and had a little too much crab, so we brought it all home and shared with the neighbors and unwittingly unleashed the Great Crab Plague of 1992 I think it was. One neighbor put them in her tub until it was time to cook them, and they got out and chased her and her husband around the apartment. Another's dog got curious and apparently went streaming through the apartment yelping with a crab hanging off it's tail like a streamer. LOL They weren't very big, but had to be at least 5 inches across to keep. The ranger station gave out these little flexible plastic red crab rulers, very helpful. I nearly lost a finger on that trip, since neither Grandpa nor I live near any good crabbing spots we opted to by the $5 cloth net instead of the $20 metal net. We didn't realize the reason the metals nets are there (they're like solid metal baskets on a pole) was that those little crabs are manaical about getting tangled in the cloth ones. So I wasn't as careful as I should have been trying to untangle it, and it got a hold of my hand just under one of my finger knuckles. A nearby fellow fisher realized what was happening. Now to my point of view, I'm in incredible pain in my hand, and a strange man grabs me and is pushing me down to the dock facefirst more or less. So I'm screaming bloody murder, Grandpa is completely stunned, and no one milling around knows what to do. But the minute he got my hand in the water that little sucker let go and I was free! Apparently he was quite the crabber, and told us to be REAL careful aroudn them, if they get you on the knuckle their pounds per square inch is enough to take the finger. OY! And then he taught us how to tell a male from a female for that species (the bottom markings were either a half circle like a dome building, or a tower shape like the washing monument, and if it was a cone shape the crab was changing sex). I wish we'd caught him, I totally would have eaten him in vengeance. But I ate one of his relatives instead.

I really was honored to be selected to be a panelist for an event which was part of a week long summit put on by Microsoft last month on diversion and inclusion which was originally titled woman in technology. I was approached by Microsoft for this event and after talking to them I said why not include all sectors which includes LGBT and those struggling because of race, beliefs and culture although most of the latter have been coming to light in recent times. They already know of my transition because when I transitioned I needed to change my name and gender for my account and that I'm a Microsoft MVP. The event began by a introduction to how the event would go then five questions were asked, each of the panelist were given time to respond. To be honest I don't remember the questions. I do remember that in the first question I focused on cisgender females and the transgender community. The second question I moved focus to LGBT as the other female panelist had the cisgender aspect covered. After finishing with the second question response I said something like, I'm one of the fortunate transgenders who transitioned unscaved which is not common place for most transgenders. Not only did I get an applause but a standing applause. After the questions were asked the audience was given time to ask us questions but nobody did. After that we sat there thinking that people might come up and ask questions and I had a handful talk with me, one asked for my contact information as they had a family member who was transgender. Over the following days I had people come up to me at the summit thanking me for speaking out and for having courage to speak. I told each and everyone of them is that I feel obligated to speak out for those who can not and that most who transition still need help but many times simply want nothing more to do with the transgender community and only want to blend in while there are others on the opposite end of the septum who are very vocal yet sometimes go to far and then we have some in the middle. I did say during the event that to get people from the transgender community is not simply on large companies but also on the transgender person to as I know all to well that to be in technology of writing or supporting software or hardware things change all the time. Those who make the big bucks do so because they are continually bettering themselves like myself and I worked hard, was a window treatment sales person who studied at night for a year before quitting my window treatment job for writing software. Not everyone is cut out for working in IT but let's broaden this to other high paying professions and better your life along with showing others we are truly no different from cisgender and in some cases better. I put myself in front of several hundred people with afterwards thousands who did not know who I was now and prior now know. I didn't want recognition for myself but instead to enlighten the cisgender community about the transgender community. Sorry if I didn't speak up per say about other parts of LGBT as I wanted to focus on trans. I did have one attendee who confided with me that he was gay and was worried about how to present himself and I got him to be confident and saw that he was doing better after talking to him.

My wife recently asked me if I feel that I am female "inside." If I am transgender, then doesn't that mean that I consider myself fundamentally female? It turns out that those are questions I've asked myself and I am not confident I have the answers to. After all, how can I ever know if you and I see the same color let alone if my thoughts and feelings are female? To try to answer these questions I try to look at the facts that I do know and then draw a conclusion: I know that since preschool I've envied girls and women. This has been a constant throughout my life, often considering what it would feel like (and wishing I could feel it) to be one. I thus feel it's certain that I have gender dysphoria. My childhood was shadowed by a clinically depressed mother and an absent father; their relationship was pretty emotionless. I was an only child, and was often navigating rocky shoals at home, trying to please my mother or just remain out of her focus. Some have written that a single mother's attention might encourage some to "become transgender." Well I'll tell you, there are some parallels but we did not have much of a relationship at all let alone one that would encourage me to look at her as a role model.Even in preschool I had shame about my envies of girls. In kindergarten when I played with the girls at their play-kitchenettes I was sure that this was shameful. My shame around my GD was a constant that developed into depression for me. Some ideas: 1. My shame/depression may have resulted from my mother's treatment of me expressing my gender dysphoria. This might explain why I automatically felt shame even in preschool and kindergarten. 2. My shame/depression may have resulted from my mother's attitude, disposition, depression, and treatment of me (in general). Why not? 3. My gender dysphoria may thus have arisen from my childish observations that girls had it better. My home life was pretty awkward at best so it seems natural that I would wish I had it better. I sure liked some of my friend's mothers. It was like I instinctively knew what I was missing. My gut tells me that the answer is #1, so that's what I'm going with. Okay, but am I female in my head? In an email to my therapist a couple of months ago I told him that overall I always just wanted to be small and treasured. When I wrote it I felt a shiver like, "yeah!" He noticed it too, telling me that it was an important observation. Small and treasured does dovetail with what I imagine I'd be if I was a girl. I'm sure women outgrow most of it but I imagine it's always there, like a foundational right of being female. But I still lack an answer: am I female at heart? I struggle to know. I'm not that unhappy with my life as a sensitive, thoughtful, and fun male. It's just that something feels missing. In Dara Hoffman-Fox's book "You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery" she writes that these kinds of self-doubts are very common. It's as if we have an internal Protector who is fed off those "am I crazy?" doubts that creep into our consciousness and are so hard to silent. We need to acknowledge and thank our Protector for her attention but consider her advise carefully as it is often presented in ways that prevent us from moving forward. Yesterday I wrote another email to my therapist. (Thank goodness he supports this. It's so important for me to have these touchstones with him in between our meetings.) As a child did I want to be small and treasured, and not receiving it, envied girls and thus wanted to feel like one? - or - Did I want to be a girl, and thus be small and treasured? I think it's the latter but it's hard to be sure and seemingly impossible to know. What I do see is that 'small and treasured' is a common denominator for me to this day. If that supports me as being female inside then so be it. In the meantime I'm satisfied in the knowledge that I have gender dysphoria, that's it's perfectly okay and normal, and that I'm making my own progress in my own time. Emma P.S. I just looked at my profile and see that I joined TGGuide on 10/27/14. It's less than a week from my 2-Year Anniversary! Maybe I should use Birthday instead? It feels like it. I've grown so much over that period with so much support and guidance from our members here. As the Grateful Dead sung, "What a long strange trip it's been." Thank you all.

Hey Bree, Youre about the most not crazy lady I know. Truly. Have a wonderful Christmas. Tomorrow morning I'm heading out to buy a couple of live two pound Dungeness crabs. I'll prepare them tomorrow evening. Crab, butter, Sourdough bread, and champagne. Doesn't get much better than that! Merry Christmas! Emma

Another good resource for those are older in age Getting started with C# There are so many ways to get started, Microsoft Visual Studio community edition provides an environment for learning and is free for learning. Microsoft Visual Studio Community Edition We all need to inspire others and improve ourselves.

Dear Karen, Want to thank you and Microsoft for sponsoring "An Hour of Code" which really helps encourage women to study and pursue STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) careers. By the way, they have a wonderful website, www.code.org. Well worth checking out! Your friend, Monica