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I've been coming out to professionals, friends, and family, over the past few months, and yesterday evening I decided to send an email to a male friend. I've been apprehensive about telling him I'm transgender because I have sensed that he may be less understanding than others and might say something hurtful. Nevertheless I sent the email that covered all the bases: my gender-related desires and feelings since preschool, my shame and depression, and how it all adds up to the fact that I am transgender. I felt it was comprehensive but not too long and I hoped that as a friend I've seen for a dinner every month for more than ten years he'd understand and express sincere support. Here's what I received: "Well, I hope that there was nothing that I said or did over the years that made you think that I would be hostile or unaccepting or anything like. I try to be tolerant and I hope that I seem tolerant too. Anyway, none of what you wrote is offputting or means that you're stuck from the "friend" list. I don't want to say something that will be misinterpreted, but the sexual proclivity or gender choice (I realize that these are two different things) of my friends just doesn't matter any more than their height or color or whatever. (Now, if you came out and said that you voted for Trump, that might be a problem.) " Maybe I'm being too sensitive - it wouldn't be the first time - but I needed to clear at least one thing up, so here's what I wrote back to him: "No, there was nothing you ever said or did that particularly worried me. Sharing my secret is tough, that's all. It's like finally admitting to a lie. Not to put too fine a point on it, but let me say that it's not a proclivity or a choice. I agree that it's like hair color or height, or being gay for that matter; modern science agrees that it's biological. I was just born this way. It's a tough row to hoe." Although I know that emails and written "conversations" are fraught with misunderstanding I wanted to be clear that being transgender is certainly not a choice. He hasn't responded yet but as I think about it this morning I think all will be okay. That said, overnight I mulled his use of the word "tolerant" as if hey, he's tolerant so isn't that good or righteous? It came to me this morning that it is not: I tolerate a spider on the ceiling, a few dust bunnies in the corner, and dirty dishes in the sink after dinner. But eventually I grab the stepstool and a tissue to nab the spider, vacuum the room, and wash the dishes. So yes, tolerance is better than hate or rejection, but it's not enough. I don't know exactly what is enough but tolerance isn't it. In an ideal world being transgender would be like having blue eyes or blond hair - not even thought about by most, perhaps appreciated by some. But we don't live in an ideal world so I feel that I have to come up with a compromise. Maybe and especially from friends and family I'd like to hear that, regardless of my being transgender, they love and support me. I don't think that's too much to ask.

The stirrups are awful, and exceedingly akward physically in my opinion, it just feels like physical about to fall while all the bits are exposed to the world. Meh. And I have to be so careful just getting in them, I nearly fell off the table last time. Cuz you know, that was a great moment for my inherent clumsy to rear it's head and not embarrassing at all. LOL And all I can say is plastic speculums beat metal, they're not icicle-like. I'm so glad you are all healed up without crazy complications! So many scary stories about bacteria these days! Here's to a long and healthy new life!

Morning Emma and Monica It is lighter since my Testosterone levels are basically on zero, mine isnt just on one side. It tales the sight out of both eyes when it reaches it peak, and lucky it always happen at a place I know, so I can move around in that specific place and find my quiet dark place and lay myself down. Doing better and almost back at work, and but so not looking forward to going to work next week. Love and respect Michele

SO it's my job to keep an eye on the housing market and come up with reasonable solutions for later, while Nikki full on job hunts and we work together on the actual physicality of packing and repairs. So...he'll give me a city he's found a potential job in and I yay or nay based on housing prices. But now I have looked at so so many that they have blended into one insane, nightmare of a house riddled with water damage, hideous pink bathrooms, strange flora outside that looks like it want to eat me, and weird inexplicable THINGS I can't identify that my brain hurts. I am dreaming of bizarre and ugly houses now. And, of course, getting lost in them. I do have to say though my unconscious mind comes up with some awesome floor plans, that I can never remember when I wake up. Cosmetic damage I can handle, water damage makes me really leery of getting involved. You never know how that will play out long term in a structure. Although in the one house I am legit confused how the dining room, in the middle of the house with no logical exposure to any of the piping whatsoever, looked like an aquatic bomb of some sort went off in it. And the rooms above and to the sides are fine. Just that one room. Did they run a fountain or something in there??? And what exactly is the deal with people feeling the need to put a weird little wrought iron fence next to the door inside the house? It just looks goofy. And don't get me started on what I mistook for a stripper pole but realized was actually some sort of duct pipe from the basement to roof through both stories, that was odd. One house had columns just hanging from the ceiling, like creepy wooden stalactites, but not touching the floor. I assume a base has somehow gone missing, that's all I got. One looked like a crime scene happened and never got cleaned up. And Ohio has a truly terrifying love of the pink, yellow, pink AND yellow, and yellow and hideous green bathrooms. And none of them done well, my eyes. But unless I'm going to win the lottery tomorrow, I'm going to have to keep my eyes on potential 'this can be fixed down the line'. I do draw the line at a pink bathroom though. Just no. And really just no to the one that wasn't the usual pastel bathroom pink, but some bizarre neon pink-magenta horror that I think should require the realtor person to offer sunglasses to show the house, or at least a warning incase buyers didn't look at the photos. And now we're in full on debate of the pool. I get Nikki's point it's a lot of work if the house sells quickly to have put it up and then take it back down. However, I also kinda feel it selling quickly is a sorta pipe dream and I don't want to be slowly baking away all summer either without my pool retreat. One of those utterly stupid decisions you don't really know what the right one is til afterwards. We don't have central air, only have small window units that sorta work in the computer room and the bedroom, so the pool is the main source of cooling down. A quick dip in the water makes the summer heat feel reasonable for several hours at a time. And our town pools have become ragingingly expensive. So Nikki met new therapist, and reports that she's easy to talk to and he's happy with her, so that is good. There's also hints that one on one therapy is winding down, on a monthly schedule now that most of the big issues have been worked through. So maybe it's time to consider marital counseling. We've been unable to work out some differences on our own, and it's really getting frustrating this 'whatever you want' and then getting mad about what I decided to do ongoing behavior. And I TRY To find out what Nikki wants, but there is a real in ability to ever tell me he wants anything or offer up some kind of opinion to work with. Personally, I think either he really truly has no internal wants or needs or his antidepressants aren't high enough to overcome the mental fog yet. I can't tell which. Can you sorta...hollow out after a few years of depression and just not come back even with treatment and meds? I don't even know if my expectations are reasonable or if I'm wanting crazy things, but I'm tired of driving the bus and everything falling to me to decide other than a few big gesture choices (which how they happen then ends up to me to drive the bus on, even his part of the job hunting I've had to start helping out and scouring the net and e-mailing a list) versus a partnership I know I'm the research gerbil, but either help me out a little or get me some carrots at least. And yes, you better believe we have this conversation clearly, and often. I'm not the wife type who whines to everyone but her spouse and then wonders why things don't get better, I tackle it first with him and then brainstorm for ideas/reality checks/empathy/wisdom/whatever comes my way. I tried refusing to decide and waiting until he did some of it, but literally nothing happened but some tv watching. For two weeks. Till I couldn't take it anymore. I hate tv. ​Sorry, venting before I explode at my spouse I guess, unless someone has some useful advice, I'll make you cookies. ​ Have tried talking to him with every tactic I could think of, refusing to do it, trying to engage him in every step, just doing it myself, trying to get him to talk about it with his therapist, I got nothing left other than joint counseling it feel like. But only after he's really done with his single, cant' float two bills right now. ​ And you know, insurance companies don't value counseling like people do. I'm going to try to get some sleep now and snuggle up with my cat. My cat probably makes neon pink bathrooms less ugly, he's a pretty cat.

Unfortunately due to some issues I won't be able to host my content here anymore. I have many reasons. But thank you gentle folk for your love and support. I wish you all the best. If you want to be in contact: Hear me screaming at the clouds on twitter: @charllandsberg or my Twitter Profile Come have a look at my weird and wonderful art on Tumblr Have a look at my cooking and everyday photography on Instagram I'm all over the place. Be good. Take care of yourselves. All my love Charl -o0o-

Hi Charl, I clicked "Like This" but I am only doing so as an acknowledgment and farewell We will miss you and hope to see you return at least from time to time. Love and best wishes always, Emma

Hi Michele, I agree that tolerance wasn't the right word to use, and probably my friend meant nothing untoward by using it. All too often I'm a bit overly prepared to sense or take some offense and this may very well be one of those times. Perhaps from his perspective - like most cisgender people - the whole concept of what it means and is to be trans is so foreign that he didn't perceive my need for him to express something stronger and more affirming. Thank you for your feedback. I very much appreciate hearing from you. Love, Emma

Hi there Emma Tolerance isnt the right word to be used. But with tolerance someone can learn more, unless they close minded and doesn't want anything to do with what they say they are tolerant about. Give your friend some time to mull it over, as he might not have realized that it's because you value your friendship that you told him. Everyone can't be like one of my nappy staged friends, that I haven't seen for a few years and starts talking to me telling me I look good and when are we hanging out like we used to. In my case I thought separation of years would make him just turn a cold shoulder. He reminded me, that with each interactive roleplay we did as children, I always took the role of the female characters and nothing is wrong, I'm just older and prettier and finally accepted myself. Wouldn't we liked everyone to be that way, but reality is... There will always be those that think its a choice and not a biological programming before birth, and not fulfilling the programming leads to our downfall. Love Michele XXXXX