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Today is – quite literally – the first full day of the rest of my life. Yesterday (on Easter Sunday) I left my wife (now, ex, which is hard to fathom), home (now hers), friends, and family, to venture out on a Hero’s Journey (if I do say so myself) to see what I find in my gender, life, and home. I woke this morning in my Minnie Winnie near Healdsburg, California at a KOA campground, figured out how to hook up the water and sewage to the coach, and cooked eggs and coffee for breakfast. The last couple of months have been very challenging and exhausting for both my wife and myself. I returned from my camping trip in early February to find that my wife had decided that we should divorce. She said that the reason is that while we are together it will be unforgivably impossible for me to truly discover and be myself, whether I need to transition, live publicly as a woman, or whatever. That, and for reasons she doesn’t understand herself (and feels guilty about) there is something about my being transgender that she finds very hard to accept. At first there was some anger and hurt feelings between us. She asked when I might leave (the earlier the better), we both worried about how we would settle our affairs, and I could not wait to simply drive away and move on. We found a divorce mediator, I created a spreadsheet that helped us try out different asset division models, we started to trust each other, and finally came to an agreement. She got a bit more than I did but that's the way it needed to be for her to keep the house. But I got my freedom in an enviable way that I have often dreamed of my entire life. Once that was worked out the rest of our time was mostly spend packing and provisioning my Winnie, unwinding our family finances, pushing through the myriad forms needed to file for divorce. We worked hand in hand still wearing our wedding rings. Our mediator and attorneys were amazed that a couple as caring of each other as us would even consider getting divorced. I’m deeply saddened now as I write this. I know she is too; we talked last night on the phone for 45 minutes. When I arrived at the campground yesterday I unpacked my Emma clothes into my closet and drawers; they’d been in boxes that my wife really prefers not to open. And now I consider what I want to do in the coming months. My plan is to head slowly north, through Oregon, Washington, British Columbia, to Alaska, for the summer, and then return south in time to miss the winter snow and rain, through Iowa (or Idaho, not sure), Utah, and Colorado. In each location I want to see what feels right and wrong about the place, and experience what’s available for trans people like me. For example, in Portland (Tigard, actually) and Seattle, are what I call “training wheel” services that provide help with dressing, make-up, and the rest, and opportunities to get out and feel what it’s like to be as female as I can be. I hope that through that and more I’ll learn more about where under the TG umbrella I’d like to be. But it’s not all about being transgender. I have my acoustic guitar, camera, bicycle, books, hiking boots, and paints. I want to exercise, eat well, and meditate on staying in the present, while pushing against my fears and boundaries that I have allowed to control me for the past six decades. And who knows, I might meet the next love of my life. I’m not looking but I’m open to it so long as it doesn’t happen too soon. And, my ex and I plan to stay in touch, and she may visit me in Seattle, Alaska, or both. We might even decide to get back together if I truly find that I don’t need to transition and she becomes comfortable with my true self, whatever that is. That’s about it for now. Stay tuned, there will be more! Love, Emma

Enjoy the grand adventure! I envy you that freedom to go wherever and do whatever! It sounds like a great grand adventure! If you ever make it around Ohio be sure to stop by and have dinner with us! ​ I'm glad that the worst is behind you and you have found peace with the changes in your life, and then excitement about what is to come next! *Hugs* May the road ahead bring you joy, laughter, and adventure! Beautiful photo in which you look ready to tackle the world! And I really really envy you the Minnie! Grandpa had a Minnie Winnie after he sold the pull behind Airstream, we had so much fun in that. : ) Mostly at Assateague Island and Indian Lake, but the where mattered less than the adventure. ​I miss that rv and all the silly fun we had in it.

Emma, I wish you all the happiness you can find on this journey! It's not an easy path, but it's well worth it and it seems like you've really thought through a lot and have a good vision of how to get started. Between that and the courage you've already demonstrated I have no doubt you'll find your authentic self. I also admire how you managed things with your wife. It was no doubt tempting at times just to leave (I say that from experience, having been married so many years ago), but you stayed and took care of what needed to be done. So add persistence to the strengths mentioned above :-) I'm looking forward to hearing about your travels - literal and personal :-) Xoxo Chrissy

It's been awhile since I've written anything here - that was partly (largely) because of school and recovery. My recovery from GRS is going well, I've now been cleared for everything (including tennis and sex!), and I'm down to dilating twice a day (until the end of June). There was some granulated tissue, but that's been taken care of. And I've now had the delightful female experience of having my feet up in the stirrups for a medical exam! It doesn't make you feel at all vulnerable (sarcasm). I'm glad that my surgeon's staff is entirely female, I suspect that part of the process would have been a little more uncomfortable if her PA who was checking me was male. I recently finished co-facilitating an 8-week support group for transgender people, this one was focused on those who had recently come out and/or were in the early stages of transitioning. The most interesting part for me personally was that going in I saw myself as in a very different place than the group members (since I've pretty much come out everywhere, and my physical transitioning is largely done), but there was definitely a common thread that made me very much part of the group (since it's a peer-run support group it was fine that I was sharing as well, thought I always made sure it was after anyone else had shared, I never took a priority position for myself). Specifically, the sense of alienation and rejection that people felt because of their gender identity, that's still definitely a very big part of my life - especially now that surgeries are done and I'm thinking more about the prospects of dating :-(

I realized yesterday how much this kind of exploration really works for me. I love traveling without much of an itinerary, allowing myself to enjoy the experience, confront challenges, and go with the flow. For example, I'm finding that Mesa is a little chilly for me and decided to move this coming Friday. I used the weather app on my iPhone to look for warmer areas within a couple of hundred miles and was surprised to see that the Flagstaff area (Grand Canyon, Sedona) is about 60 degrees so I made a reservation there. But yesterday on the radio I heard that it's 30 degrees there, and snowing! Brrr. I did some more work on the iPhone and I don't know why but it shows the wrong info for Flagstaff, so I cancelled the reservation and am now heading to Santa Margarita, California on Friday. And yes, the time for introspection is wonderful. I keep coming across things serendipitously. Yesterday while driving around I heard the TED Radio Hour on NPR, a show that discussed the 5 senses we have. One interview (on vision) featured Isaac Lidsky, who started losing his sight starting at age 12 and was completely blind in his early 20s. What a remarkable man. When he first heard his diagnosis he literally thought his life was over, that he was doomed to a lonely and unhappy life. Somehow he realized that he could approach the problem by reframing, especially with two questions: 1) Precisely what problem am I experiencing now? 2) What exactly am I going to do about it, now? I found this very moving. All too often I get caught up in my worries and fears, and feel lost. I can't help but recall Lidsky's situation and find his questions so convenient and useful. In case you'd like to listen to the NPR show, here's a link. Look for the show about the 5 senses: http://www.npr.org/podcasts/510298/ted-radio-hour

And you are seeing the world while you do it! So many people never go beyond a 50 mile radius of their home, even for vacation, it's kinda sad. Especially since the modern era gives us the physical ability to see it all like never before, an 8 hour plane jaunt to Britain vs. months on a ship. So many people just...don't. Explore your insides through exploring your world my Emma!