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With my two year anniversary in regards to physical surgeries coming up I have been reflecting on recent changes along with my comfort level has changed in the past few months. Although I've been very comfortable since surgery over time there are things that change which are not always easy to describe, for instance, how I view the world as a whole then how I view my part as a female in every aspect of my life. I know not everyone has positive outlooks, some have constraints of various kinds that have no control over them while others have the capabilities to overcome them where decisions are made to break them or move past them. Me, for the majority of them I have broken past them and part of this comes from self confidence. A good example (as per the image below) is me wearing a red dress out with several friends whom I made over the past two years, none of them know of my former life. Next up, I believe part of my mother is surfacing in me. She always dressed smartly during the day as a bank manager, when out for the evening with my father always turned heads (as my father would say) first from her beauty and also from how she dressed. With that, recently I wrote about my clothing style and I have continued by purchasing more dressed and shoes to go along with them. Yesterday I decided that the next element that needed to change was outerwear. So off to Macy's to look at winter coats where my goal was to find one something classy along with keeping me warm when it gets cold out. Never would I have guessed that the color shown below would be my final selection as in the past I've always gone with black but I think that all goes back to how one changes over time from the effects of hormones, physical surgeries and confidence. Back to the coat, the price tag said 275 USD with a 25 percent discount which should have brought it down to 207 but not sure how but it rang up as 154 (sweet), no complaints from me and decided not to ask how it got that low.

Two of my girlfriends and I went out to go dancing and let our hair fly on Saturday night. It was great, we arrived to the club and were welcomed with open arms. Guys were buying us drinks and we danced our asses off. When it was time to leave we had a 6 block hike in our 6 inch heels to the parking lot, but some young kids decided to harass us while walking to our safe zone. One of my girlfriends, who will remain nameless, was assaulted one time by a man who continuously called her a freak while she was walking alone to her car after work a few years back. Because of that terrible attack we walk in numbers — ALWAYS. When being harassed by these punks I took a photo of their license plate causing them to stop in the middle of the road threatening to run me over with the car. Here's where the story elevates; as they made the threat two deputies were coming out of a diner and heard the words spewing from the mouths of these thugs. It only took them seconds to react and the trio were taken into custody. The deputies said it didn't matter that we were CD/TG, we were people who needed help and that's what they do. I love the Emerald City. The moral of the story is simple: Walk in numbers and don't be afraid to ask for help.

This is a topic I've been thinking about a lot, and have been wanting to write something about - so here goes!!! It's the concept of a transgender "community" - does it exist? Should it exist? It came up during the support group that I facilitate on Saturdays, so I thought it might be time to look at the issue myself a little more deeply - and see what others think :-) In 2 separate contexts I was told by people - who knew I was in the process of transitioning - that they knew trans people who would "disappear" after they transitioned. In one case it was with the LGBT tennis group I belonged to, that person wasn't talking about anyone with the tennis group, just a trans person they knew who basically left their entire social world behind as they transitioned. The other was a trans meetup group, where a member (who is a cross-dresser), commented that members who transition tend to disappear from the group. Well, in both cases I did exactly that. I joined a new tennis group this year, a non-LGBT group. I was going to maintain both memberships, but there isn't enough time to play matches with 2 groups. And I've pretty much stopped going to the meetup group. It should be noted that the person in the meetup group who made that comment also, on another occasion, half-seriously criticized me for dressing "boyish" (I wasn't, I just wasn't dressed up since I had been out doing things all day). Part of the reason for dropping that group, beyond the fact that it's essentially just a bar-hangout group, is that it mainly seems focused on people who really want to get totally dressed up. I'm not criticizing that, but it's not what I particularly want or need right now. So aside from this website, I'm not really part of a transgender community - and I feel ok about that? (I also co-facilitate trans support groups, but as a facilitator I don't consider myself to be part of the "community" that might arise from membership). To me it makes sense that gay men and lesbians have their respective communities - beyond the need to support each other socially and politically, they want to date each other (pardon the binary language). While I could certainly see dating a transgender man, it isn't my only option. On Saturday, after the group, I made another foray into the non-LGBT social world. I went to a bar where they show NC State football games - I'm happy that I went since I felt nervous about it, but disappointed as there didn't seem to be any other NC State people there :-( (Worse still, the few people there seemed to be Syracuse people!!! I was not only alone as an NC State fan, I was in "enemy" territory). I suppose all of this is really just me trying to reconcile my transgender identity. It's been a source of strength, since living it out has required some level of courage and persistence, but it's also a source of depression - I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I had just been born a cisgender woman. There have been times that I've tried to pretend that I'm not (if you look through my blog entries there will no doubt be a gap of a few months, that's when it happened), but then I do the support group, and I'm pretty open about it at school and my internship and even socially - so clearly I'm not trying to run away from it anymore. But still, living with it hasn't gotten particularly easy yet. So that was a bit of a ramble I suspect - but let me know what you think :-) xoxo Chrissy

Just a quick update to my closet project. I did get the shelving rearranged. Ended up drilling more holes than was necessary, but, hey, I got the job done, right? Anyway, the big job is still ahead--namely making some order out of what I have. I thought my wife had a lot of clothes. Well, I am no slouch in that department. I need to divest myself of things that I haven't worn for years. I continue to find things that I thought were lost as well. My closet goes way back into a dark hole where nothing ever sees the light of day. It is useless and I am going to use it strictly for storage. Short blog tonight. We'll see how my organizational skills are tomorrow. I have a feeling that I will be moving things around for some time to come until I get it right. By the way, I did pull out one of my thrift shop dresses to wear tonight. I forgot whose advice it was to put the dress on backwards to zip up and then wriggle it around to the front. It worked. I'm not sure about the dress. It's kind of a mother-of-the-bride type affair, strapless, full-length and chiffony. Still trying to get it to work. Might not be my look. Later.

Dear Chrissy, Interesting that you bring that up, as I am giving a talk about "community," at Fantasia Fair in two weeks. As a cisgender Lesbian, I watched the Lesbian community become absorbed by the community at large (assimilated). Feel strongly this disempowered the Lesbian community, as evidenced by the disappearance of Lesbian bookstores. Sadly, I have to seek community by attending transgender support groups and conferences. Am very grateful for the outreach of the transgender community. In Florida, as well as in New York, I have observed some people who transitioned, leave the group. Feel the group's job is to empower people to go on to the next step in their lives. Hopefully they keep the friends they made in the group. Don't think it is healthy to remain in any kind of support group for a lifetime as this shows the person made little or no growth. What concerns me is when there are no support groups when people need them the most. Feel that people need face to face support and that online support should be secondary to face to face support. When I moved to trans and homophobic upstate New York, I am grateful to find a welcoming transgender support and conference group. Why am I not in a Lesbian in a transgender support group? There is none convenient to where I live (I do not drive). I find support wherever I can find it! Thank you, my dear friends in TGGuide and Fantasia Fair, for being there for me when I most needed it. Will always be grateful for your friendship! Your friend, Monica

Happy anniversary!!!

yup

My bad. Can Monica see my comments?

I assume you meant this for Monica 😛 I have no impending social plans

Just a quick thought on your comment about moving things around for awhile to get it right - that was something I needed (perhaps still need?) to learn, I would go into organizational projects like that expecting that I could make it perfect the 1st time around - that rarely happens, so I had to learn that I was going to make an effort and see how it works, then make other changes until I felt good about it (ok, I think that just turned into a comment about living in general)

Many (most?) of us have much more stuff than we need or want. We are choking on it. A recent book suggests that as you go through your things, if you don’t love it, toss it. We all worry about doing this but the freedom from stuff overload is... Fantastic!

I was born a woman in a mans body. I've known this since my earliest memory but growing up during the 70s and 80s in Southern California and being raised by two very conservative parents made life heartbreaking and filled with pain. I wasn't strong enough to go against my parents and now at the young age of 50 it's still difficult. I think about how different my life will become and it excites me to think that one day I'll be able to transform into the woman I've always hidden from the public. It's going to take a lot of work—surgical and hormonal— but the end result for me will be liberating and glorious. When I was younger I would wear my sisters dresses as often as I could. One day in my sophomore year of high school my mother caught me in a dress. I spent the next two years in counseling being told it was unacceptable to feel the way I did. In 1986 when I graduated from high school I was forced by my parents to enlist in the United States Army in order to make me a man. I retired after serving 25 years. During my career I fought the urge to be who I was inside. I married three times but that never lasted. I was always jealous of my wives. I wanted to be a wife too. I've begun the necessary steps to happiness. Will it be easy? Absolutely not but anything this important shouldn't be an easy process to traverse. I have several roadblocks ahead of me; weight loss, the looks I'll get when coming out in public for the first time (I'm 6'3" 250 lbs) but I even though I know tough times are ahead I'm still driven to become the woman I was born to be. ​I quit my job and moved 1,400 miles to Seattle with the hopes of finding a job where I can transition and continue on with becoming Olivia.This will be the first of many blogs depicting my journey.I hope you'll join me by following in on this new grand adventure.

Chrissy, Thank you so much for that. I've met some of the most amazing women on this blog site. It is extremely terrifying and amazing but I'm looking forward to just living my life as me and if people don't accept me for who I am then that's their loss. Ciao for now. Liv

When the original series of Will and Grace entered my life on television back in the 90s I was still serving in the Army. It was a different time. If you knew someone who was gay you became an outcast and if you watched the show you became the target for bullies. Luckily I'm not a small framed person and I lived off post so nobody knew my secrets and I'm not one to be bullied by anyone. One thing that show taught me was that no matter who you are it's always acceptable to be your true self as long as you don't purposely hurt others. The return of this hit comedy airs tonight on NBC and I can't wait to see Will, Grace, Jack and Karen reunite for serious discussions on sex, politics and every day life. Enjoy the show GIRLS!!

Hi Chrissy, I'm a little out of my element as a fashion consultant, but how would some dressy pants--loose and flowing-- with a blouse and a little fashion jewelry for one. For the second, why not do a ball gown? It doesn't have to be expensive. You could even look at a thrift shop. Might just look and feel good on you. You don't know until you try. ​I take it you don't have a lot of time to put things together. Not sure I was much help. I wish you the best and hope you have fun.