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Big hugs to you Emma. We all go through emotional struggles and the holidays can intensify those emotions for many of us. It's just fine to have a moment where you're not "all together." I have plenty of those times. Love the beautiful cat! They make great companions.

Emma, I'm sorry you're feeling down 😞 I certainly don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, moderator or not. Hopefully sharing helped a little, and it will no doubt help others to see the full range of experiences that we go through in transitioning (and life in general!). Having a divorce finalized is tough - I went through that awhile back too. In my case the divorce was prompted by my coming out as a gay male, it left me with a lot of guilty feelings. I hope you're doing ok! Xoxo Chrissy

Excellent point, Karen, thank you. My electrologist has said this too and I forgot to take care that I was well hydrated.

In regards to pain of electrolysis, back when I was undergoing treatment I learned that not being well hydrated would cause discomfort. In recent months I've been having facial dermaplaning done which is extremely painful if the technician is not well versed with preparing their patient as what happened to me several years ago when I first underwent the procedure while in recent times the technician uses a completely different numbing agent and no pain is felt for the most part and even when felt is manageable. I would think (knowing that I've had my face done) the same pretty much applies to having facial hair removed. And the dentist numbing for me was a must for my upper lip area. What we go through to look feminine and even for cisgender females, men have no clue

I spent the evening with three girlfriends at a dinner show in downtown Seattle. I should have had a better time. I wore my new burgundy REI sweater dress, fleece-lined leggings, and a silver necklace. If I do say so myself, I looked nice. Nice that is, for me. I'm not sure I should be writing this at all. After all I'm a moderator here. Aren't I supposed to be like a Camp Counselor who always knows the right thing to say, the right thing to do? That's what it seemed like when I went to camp, about fifty years ago I guess. My divorce from my wife is final as of about a week ago. We still talk, we love and miss each other, and I think we will always be in each other's lives. But nonetheless we are divorced. I feel like I should be looking forward, excited about the future. Instead all too often I am so envious of women who get to just be what they are. Sure, they aren't perfect either. But their hairline isn't all receding, they have at least some sort of waist, and their voices are naturally feminine. And oh yeah, they don't have beards. Today I saw my electrologist for our weekly appointment. This week we were scheduled for only an hour because the dentist in the adjacent office is on vacation. She started working on my side burns but after 40 minutes I had to call it quits. It just hurt too much. I couldn't take it any longer. I guess I have another couple of years worth of appointments to look foreword to. I'm so blessed and so lucky and yet I feel so blue. I feel guilty for that, like I shouldn't feel this way. But we know that everyone's feelings are valid. I should approach them mindfully, accept them, don't fight them, and in fact, embrace them. Use them to help point the way I should go, don't let fear and hurt drag me down. If it were that easy... The good news is that I adopted a two-year old cat about a month ago, Peanut, whose photo is below. She seems to like me. I like her too.

Hi Lori and Chrissy, Thank you so much for your kind support. I feel better today, pretty much back to my old self. Depression like that is so uncomfortable but I guess it's common? I went out with a girlfriend last night for a glass of wine; her companionship helped me a lot. She also bought a Christmas present for me: a Glassy Baby candle "jar" (I guess it's called) that is hand blown. I have been wondering where my depression comes from. It all feels the same. It might be the hormones but for some reason I don't think so, at least not yet. Yes, I feel sadness about my divorce and some loneliness too. I do think that overall it's my gender dysphoria rearing its head. It's as if the euphoria that I've been experiencing the last few months has died down and I'm left with "okay, now what?" I've often read that many people realize during their transition that it's no panacea, they carry the same baggage they had before, just in a different gender. Honestly, I expected that. But then again it seems like a shock to feel the way I have been. Thankfully I have a meeting scheduled with my therapist this Wednesday morning. Lots to talk about! Best wishes to all and hopes for a wonderful 2018, Emma