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Ever wondered what it takes to get on a bus? The fears and scary parts explained and how eventually I overcame them. For some this is not a problem, those with the strongest of characters who really want the world to know about who they are, but for many integrating and becoming the person you really are without any fuss and bother it's a different story. Many years ago the first hurdle apart from the big step of going out of the front door as the real me, was getting on the bus. For those just beginning the journey from one gender to the other, this can be terrifying and once you have managed it thats when you know you have really begun your transition. My preparation was always the best, but my confidence wasn't great so every day I found myself in the position of taking the terrifying journey and this is where strength of character comes in. So you are ready to face the world in the new you and hope no one is going to give you a second glance, because in many ways that is what you are trying to achieve. There you are stood at the bus stop waiting for the bus hoping that no one notices you, and then someone turns to you and asks, "Do you have the time please." Now hang on, who doesn't have a watch or a mobile (cell) phone with a big display on it? Its often a good indication that they want to hear your voice, they have looked at you and wondered....is that a man or a woman? The best way to overcome it is to to nod and show them you watch/phone and smile if you're not happy with how your voice sounds. Of course the bus stop is often where people talk to each other, (years ago before smartphones and everyone was a bit more social) so when the bus arrives its a bit of a relief, or is it. I suppose its a lot easier now with electronic passes, no words have to be uttered but when I was just starting out, talking was necessary....So you ask for your fare....city centre please.....then once you have your ticket you turn and face the all the passengers, desperately trying to find a seat .....EVERYONE is looking at ME.....no they're not, but thats what it feels like. Seat found, head down ....please don't talk to me. I have one of those ...faces. I always sit next to the most talkative person on the bus, it happens often. But then there is the other parts, people looking at YOU....they know, they've spotted me, they know I'm trans and they are looking at me, talking about me.....OMG. The fears of the newbie are immense, in an enclosed space with all these people and THEY KNOW. No, probably they haven't even seen you, but the fear is there all the same. Seat selection is important, inside seat you have to ask (if you are polite that is) to '"Excuse me please." So outside seats are easier (just don't speak to me). If the bus is crowded the next step is to get off the damn bus, ding the bell and hope that its going to be the stop everyone else alights too. If not, it can be a struggle as it might be necessary to say ...excuse me several times. The point of all this? I had realised than when I could get on the bus, face the 'crowd', find a seat, talk to my fellow passengers and get off the bus with no problem, that is when I knew I was on my way to being happy with my transition. Thats when you know you have begun to integrate the new you and made it. Overcoming the fears isn't easy but when I realised that probably no one was really looking at me, no one really noticed anything different about me, it drew less attention anyway. The voice I have found is a powerful delimiter in that you can use the voice to confuse anyone. if you are able to sound like the gender you present, then any unwanted attention seems to be lessened and I found I could overcome many uncomfortable situations. I hope that you have found this interesting and helpful.

Love the post! My own test of my inner courage to live life on my terms came at the shopping malls. I loved shopping (more back then than now) so the mall seemed a great way to get exposure and experience interacting with the public in a somewhat safe setting. I'm surprised I was never stopped by mall security because some days I would show up and just drive around, park and then drive around some more, trying to summon the courage to get out and go inside. In the early days I frequently failed but I kept at it. Eventually I made my way inside and slowly developed my confidence. I was terrified when anyone looked at me and especially when someone engaged me in conversation. Occasionally I was read and that was always emotionally devastating for me. I know, I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but it's a special gift I have -- to kick myself around for failure. There was some point along the way that I knew I had made it. Once I lost the fear and just became more confident the instances of being read were virtually eliminated.

Hi everyone, Thank you for all your interest and comments. Sorry for the length but I thought it might be interesting to hear the realities from someone on the Autistic spectrum The AQ (Autistic Quotient) test has to be taken with all honesty, it is the standard test taken by anyone who is looking for a diagnosis although of course that on its own is not any real indication that someone might be autistic. There is a lot more testing that takes place but here are the most common indications that are important. Below is a in depth look at my autistic mind, we are all different and although this will show some the advantages and disadvantages of being on the spectrum. Imagination. Not being able to imagine anything that is not based on reality. Conjuring up a story, a situation from scratch is impossible for me, I really don't have a clue what is going on around me unless I base it on the past realities/situations. In part of the diagnostic test I was given a book to read with pictures but no words. I was then asked to say what I thought was happening. Apparently all the pictures were linked but I couldn't work out what the link was, it didn't make sense. I wasn't able to use my imagination because the pictures I saw just didn't link in any logical way. That was the downfall, it was apparently describing someone having a dream, nothing makes sense in that scenario, so for me it impossible. Picture thinking. I only think in pictures, or images. Anything that passes through my mind presents itself as an image and if I am asked to remember anything I just run the videotape in my mind, I can recall huge amounts of memory, what was there, what was said, a bit like PTSD except its not scary situations. I am also able to construct visual images and move them around with ease, like rearranging a room full of furniture and seeing what it would look like before I move it, remembering maps, thats a positive, I don't need a GPS to allow me to find my way about, even in other countries I've been to, my spatial ability is so developed getting lost is unusual. Logical thinking. Its all logic and I liken it to precisely how a computer works. If you present illogical information/arguments to a computer it will have great difficulties finding what you want, it has to make logical links and anything that doesn't link has to be found in another way. If that is still illogical then a computer will return a negative. This can cause utter frustration because life isn't logical, computers just crash, humans can 'crash' too. Thats what happens with me, but over the years its become easier, unlike a computer I learned different methods to use but I still have great difficulty working out what some people mean, thats why I ask so many questions, trying to find the logical link. Pattern thinking. The best part is being able to see patterns emerging as they are normally logical. In that I can identify what is going on around me and I am attracted to patterns...carpets and wallpaper I can look at and see all the repetitive lines and shapes and that is how life is too, but of course the downside is illogical patterns throw me off, life tends to be more illogical. Repeating the same things, like eating the same foods, following a route over and over and even number plates (licence plates) can be fascinating. Comparing everything and finding logical patterns in life is one of the advantages. Communication. Humans can be so difficult to understand, thats the problem for me and generally all autistic people because they are not necessarily logical. Whilst my life is run along a well oiled track, always the same, not boring but has to be regular in the way I do things, expecting others to be the same, and they definitely are not. Normally people communicate with each other in a number of ways, some of those abilities are difficult to grasp, if someone tells me something I expect it to be as told, but there are other cues that I will miss, facial expressions are the worst, although its become better as my life progressed. But if what I am told doesn't make logical sense then it gets confusing, especially when the person I am talking to is not giving all the information that they can. Giving me simple information about something that in itself is complex is really difficult, I prefer if the difficult parts are given, then I can make sense of it. Sometimes because I don't understand the simple things in life I am thought to be a bit slow, but tell me about the difficult parts that I can understand I am thought of as intelligent. The downsides to the lack of communication skills can be massive, several lots of illogical information and just like a computer I will shut down, crash and then get into panic mode. The consequences can be problematic because if others don't understand how I process information, there is confusion on both sides and the probability of becoming overwhelmed and everything escalating into what is a meltdown, a total loss of control, an explosive rage cycle is possible. Its not anger, its the inability to process and communicate what I am feeling that makes any sense. I can talk endlessly about special interests, I have a mind full of information thats probably only important to me and other people can get bored rather easily if its not what they have an interest in, but I won't know that and then that situation can get into a problem area. Learning. As I've already explained, I learn differently to a lot of others, but information is normally given from the simple to the more complex. I learn back to front and so I have to seek out the more complex information to be able to make sense of the easy parts. The advantage is that I learn quickly and comprehensively. This is reflected in schools with some children quickly becoming bored waiting for the slower learners ( the normal method of teaching) to catch up. If the teaching isn't the way I learn then thats where big problems occur. If children could be tested to discover how they learn before the teaching process begins, instead of teaching one way, the quicker centre focused and the slower outer learning kids could both benefit. This is me and although there are a lot of similarities to others, we are all individual and we are all affected differently, have our own methods of dealing with this challenging life. I could have gone into much greater depth so I hope this helpful and ....interesting

Every time I think I'm figuring out the changes in my body with age, most of which no one ever talked about in my family, something else goes weird. I'm not talking the "falling apart, unable to live" state like my mom, but the constant parade of guessing how food is going to affect me, sleeping patterns, how easily I injure/bruise myself, changes in the rhythms of my asthma making it harder to predict after I'd had it down to a science, acid reflux crazy, little things that add up to both a medicine cabinet full of things (antacids, gas pills, throat pain suckers since I dehydrate at a moment's whim of my body now, things like that, prescription medically our lifestyle changes are reducing that amount at least). But we really should come with individualized manuals, this trial and error nonsense sucks. The manual should include actual nutrition too. Our culture has so obscured what healthy food is it's crazy. And most people trying to eat well are unintentially eating unhealthy in a variety of ways because packaging and manufactures are allowed to lie and obscure a lot from us. It's even worse in other countries, china has a crisis of a variety of fake food facing them. Our crisis is fillers and additives. One of the many things Trump defunded was an initiative to make manufacturers list how much sugar they ADD to the food. *headdesk* And, on a note of pure curiousity and interest, I want a manual that tells me how the parts actually work. So I can look up any organ and see what it's doing, how it does it, interesting facts. I know I have the internet, but one all collated and at hand would be fun. I know, I have a weird sense of fun. I'm off, I took a temp job to earn the money for movers, so we don't have to slog with a uhaul this move once house sells.

Dear Emma, Lori and Briannah, Thank you for your birthday wishes. Am proudly age 60. Emma, I love the pictures of your cat. Will be writing about this milestone soon. Yours truly, Monica

I hope yours turns out as well! And that the getting it ready is as painless as possible! It's the first time I ever sold a house, so... it was a wee bit overwhelming. I don't do well with first time situations. Summer is a great time in my neighborhood too, you get the college kids whose parents realize buying a house for four years is acdtually cheaper than the dorms at the local SERIOUSLY overpriced university.