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Black Friday or Viernes Negro as they say here. Interesting day. Aren’t they all from here on in. I hadn’t planned on going out today. I did my second coat of Kilz II in the bathroom and front door. Then, I got to sewing or at least altering. I managed to get the machine working again and hemmed up one t-shirt. I also got halfway through a nightshirt that I am making into a dress when my thread got hung up in the machine. I tried to fix it myself and only ended up removing a button from the side of the machine which didn’t help. So, I didn’t want to damage the expensive Pfaff and did the best thing which was to take it to Cynthia’s for cleaning and repair. Cynthia was conducting a class, so she was unable to work with me, but another lady named Susan was more than helpful. She showed me several things about the machine and wrote up my ticket for cleaning. She actually got the thread out, and the button turned out to be a thread cutter on which she cut her finger. I casually mentioned that I needed to take a class myself, and on the way out she gave me the information. I also mentioned it to Cynthia who was enthusiastic about me joining. So, now it looks like I am going to take a sewing class which I desperately need. I just don’t know what I tell Cynthia and the other ladies. Why am I learning how to sew? Well, you see I am a transgender person and I want to make ladies’ clothing that will fit my male body. Duh! Not sure how that will fly. First class is on December 8. I’ll think of something.

Great comments all. For me, I am happy being who I am and wouldn't change it, except maybe to be more feminine. That is a good thing. I'm just glad that someone close to me knows. I don't plan on leaving the earth anytime soon, but I would hate to have my sister be shocked to find all my girly stuff after I'm gone. I owe at least that much to her. Being trans and non-conforming does have its challenges for sure.

I saw my sister today and told her that I was trans. She was lovely. Lots of questions. Now she plans to find out more on her own. She told me that she always wanted a sister. Wasn't that sweet? Feeling good tonight.

In the midst of getting ready for the onslaught of Hurricane Irma and getting used to working again, lo and behold, my four inch pumps arrived. I had ordered them ages ago, and it seemed as if they would never arrive, but they did, and I'm thrilled. The size 13 fits perfectly, and they look gorgeous--white patent leather. I am getting used to walking in them, but I have to laugh. I look like the teenage girls I used to teach when they were wearing heels for their first times--a little teeter-tottery. But with practice, I should be fine. Well, you can't have new shoes without stockings, and my thigh high black sheers arrived today--Amazon is much faster. They are so sexy, and the two together are a knockout. I have bought thight highs before, but have never been able to wear them as freely as now. I am loving it. Now I need a black, sexy bra. That will be next on the list. So the transformation continues. A little effort and expense, but so worth it.

Thanks, Christy. I've been thinking lately that I need to get out some anyway. Either location is good for me.

Although I have shared my coming out over the past week, I wanted to write a little more about it here. It has been almost a year and a half since my wife died, and I became free to express my feminine side, albeit secretly. In the process, I have been able to share my evolution with the online community of sisters and have received much-needed support and encouragement along the way. Thank you. Recently, however, I have increasingly felt that I need to open up about my secret life to some of the people close to me. It began a week ago with lunch with my lady friends from my previous employment and continued yesterday when I opened up to my sister. Both instances were very positive and encouraging. I truly feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel like a new person with a new life. I have no immediate plans to come out to any additional family members at this point. If they find out, that's okay. I'll deal with it. I don't have anything to hide, and I'm happy with who I am. The journey continues.

Well said Emma, why I love your input. Yes when you reach the senior years, you've often already given so much to everyone else and sacrificed your own mental health for it or not recognized it, I think sometimes. Hey you don't regret it, but comes a time when the realization hits you in the head, that it's time to do what I want, what makes me feel good, what makes me true to myself, and if or if not others can or will accept it or not? So what! Yes, the world can follow or not, but I'm happy and that is what counts. You look good and happy in your skin, MicheleLea, and hope you continue😊

Yeah, a very understandable concern that I shared. I decided to come out because: I imagined laying on my death bed heartbroken that I'd squandered my opportunity, wishing that I'd stood up for myself. They say that you find out who is truly a friend and those who're less so. I lost a few friends, fewer than 5-10. We never know how much quality time we have left. Time to make hay while the sun shines. Is it really selfish to claim and be your authentic self? Not at all in my book. You're being true to yourself. If you lose a friend(s) they were friendly with the false you. It's scary to come out, certainly. I am not saying that you should or should not. I know trans women who hope the world will change to fully embrace them. I think they have their priorities out of order. We first have to learn to embrace ourselves regardless of external affirmations. The world follows, naturally attracted to happy and authentic people.

I know what you mean about not hurting anyone. Should I be honest and true and shatter a friends illusion or not? I want to be authentic but not for selfish reasons--well, maybe. In my case, so far, so good.

Good for you! Bravo! I gradually came out to everyone in my life over about a year, and kept a list on my iPhone until I was beyond about 50. It was fun for me to examine my list from time to time. I know now that I was feeling pride in my being authentic. Follow your feelings and heart. You don’t “have” to come out to everyone nor do you have to publicly present as a woman, transition... If you will, take small bites, consider them slowly, and think about taking more. There’s no rush, really, although at my age I felt some pressure to make hay while the sun shines. Have fun, too. It’s scary at times to be trans but it’s such a thrill ride to finally be one’s authentic self after so many years of shame and oppression. P.S. Nice photo! You look terrific!

About the middle of June of this year, 2017, my boss came to my office to let me know that my position had been eliminated. She said something about restructuring and not having the money anymore for a Guidance Counselor position. My face didn't quite fall on the floor, but it could have. I was in shock. How can this be? I had worked hard at my job for over 10 years, was willing to take on whatever needed doing, and had fully expected to retire from PACE Center for Girls. Alas, it was not to be. Not being in a position to retire, I began my job search immediately. I filled out the lengthy applications for the Broward School District and for Florida Virtual School. I sent out applications and resumes to the local universities and charter schools. I signed up for numerous online job search websites. I reached out to friends and former colleagues. My plan was to try to find work as an Exceptional Student Support person, a job I had been doing at PACE for the past 5 years. By mid-July, I was starting to get some response and did get an interview with a local charter school. Then my wife died. Everything on hold. For the next several weeks, I dealt with grief and loss. I had a constant stream of houseguests and well-wishers. On August 12, we had a memorial gathering for Sue, and I was on my own again. I was not quite ready to start actively looking again. I have some savings so I wasn't critical financially yet. But, I did start getting more requests of interviews with the school district and other charter schools. I was not getting called back, however. Possibly because of my age, 74. No one will say that, but it's there. Anyway, to fill in while I was looking for full-time employment, I went through the process to become a substitute teacher, and after school started again, I began filling in at a boys treatment facility--thanks to a referral from my former ESE Specialist. There was also going to be an opening for an English Teacher in November as one of the staff was retiring. So, this was a possiblility. In the meanwhile, I kept getting requests from the local AFLAC office to come in for an interview. My wife had cautioned me to avoid teaching and sales since I didn't have the talent for either. But I thought, what the heck. I've got nothing to lose, and maybe they'll stop sending me emails. It was a group interview, basically to present the AFLAC program for those who wished to go further. I was impressed, and a little spark in my enthusiasm which I thought had died, came back to life. I felt that this was something I could do, and make a decent living in the process. Here was a chance again to maybe make a little money. That would be nice. Michelle would certainly like that since she has many wants and needs. The district manager called me for a second interview jsut as Hurricane Irma was charging toward sothern Florida. I left voice mails but never got any response. Oh well, I thought. Another one of these. But I tried again this morning and call the peson who first interviewed me, and almost immediately the district manager called back. I was on for a 1:30 interview. We hit it off. I had pretty much make up my mind that it would be a go on my end if it was a go on theirs. So, now I begin another career as an insurance salesman. I will start working on getting my insurance license from the state tomorrow, and start work after that. I must say that I am excited. I think I will be good at this. I think I made a good decision.

I agree, good decision. But you may change your mind in a month, a year, five years. And that's okay too.

I slept in a little this morning--for me that is. 6:00 am is pretty early for a lot of folks. 4:30-5:00 is more my rising time. I had another full day ahead of me. what with power being out for a week, I had laundry piling up, and the house needed a thorough cleaning , and I had a lawn sprinkler that wasn't working, and so on. So, after taking the dogs out for their morning ritual and getting some coffee started, I stripped the bed and gathered my other wash and got it sorted. Had coffee and looked a bit at the morning paper and ate breakfast. Time to dig in. Now here's the thing. I have kept my bedroom since my wife died, but it has meant increasingly that I am going back and forth into her old room for things to wear and make-up and perfume, etc. I am thinking now that I will take over her room which is something my neighbor, Jeanie, thought I would do anyway. It is the bigger room and has a walk-in closet and a vanity. I just didn't feel like making too many changes too fast, but now that Michelle has become a major part of my life, well, she needs her own space. I will make my room the guest room which does make more sense. Anyway, in the meanwhile, I decided to move the plastic dresser dr awers from her room to mine to store bras and stockings and other female items. In the process, I found that I had missed out on quite a few items that I could wear. Like a lot of silky nighties that I can make work; and pretty shorts she made a while back that actually fit me; and more tops. Maybe I should feel bad about plundering my deceased wife's things, but I don't. I just think it's neat that I found them. I am getting to the point where the rest will have to go to Goodwill though. Maybe tomorrow, unless I get an emergency call to substitute teach. Broward Schools are starting again after Irma. Later in the afternoon, I tackled the sprinkler system, which is almost a second career for me. I fixed the one sprinkler that got broken when all the storm debris was hauled to the street. That was easy. But then, when I started the system, several other sprinkler heads were faulty, so it turned out to be a bigger project than I had anticipated. While I was fussing wih the yard, I noticed the mail truck drive by, on a Sunday no less. So for shucks, I checked my box, and the dresses I ordered ages ago from Light-in-the-Box had arrived. They come from China and I would't be surprised if they are made to order, so it does take a while. I am wearing the polka dot dress now. It is a vintage 40's look and works really well. The other floral dress doesn't work quite as well, but I will keep it. I am still learning about what styles and sizes work best for me, especially with a dress which I am not used to wearing. It's easier with slacks or a skirt and a top. I'll get there. I'm looking better from the neck down. I still need to work on make-up. That also will come. Later.

Saturday in the past has been typically a day for grocery shopping, lawn mowing, and other general yard and garden chores. I have been trying to stick to this routine because I expect to be working full-time again in the near future. Today, we added the additional tasks of resetting the house after the return of power last night. For some reason, my generator stopped running in the middle of the night. I did get it going again, but it was running really rough. That was going to be a can kicked down the road, however. I didn't have time to fool with it, so I put it away as is. I also had to put my window ac unit away. I forgot how much water those things accumulate, so that was another mess. I cut my hand in the process of manhandling it back into its container--nothing life-threatening. I also broke one of the slats on my bedroom blind--the middle one no less. Nobody said it would be easy. After lunch, I had just settled in for a little nappy-poo, when the doorbell rang. I hurriedly put my shorts back on, but it was just the UPS guy who left a couple of packages for me. Yeah! I had ordered a tripod, so that I could take pictures in different settings. I had also ordered a skirt and top outfit and more panthose. Unfortunately,the skirt and top are way too small; they will have to go back. Can't win them all. Skirt was cute too. Well, I did get my other chores done, and now it's evening. I had my first hot bath in a week, and did that feel good. I am getting accomplished in putting on my bra now, and was anxious to try the pantyhose. I bought good and was it worth it. They look great and feel even better. I put on my blue floral romper which seems to require some figuring each time I wear it, and set out to take some pictures. With the tripod, i can shoot anywhere, and the living room seemed like a good place to start. I have an old little Olympus digital which also takes some figuring, but I did get it to work. I took a lot of nice pictures of the sofa until I got the timer under control. This is also a work in progress--learning how to be both photgrapher and model. I'm working on it.

Today, we are going on a week without power since Hurricane Irma. It wouldn't be quite so frustrating if everybody around us was also without power. But no, just our side of the street. Chris, my neighbor, was over last night as my generator was sputtering out of gas. Chris means well, and he is pretty smart. On the other hand, he does always have to get the last word in, and whatever I am doing is not quite good enough. I mean, I've been filling my generator with gas for a week, and now he is giving me a lecture on how I should be doing it. He did put the fear of god in me about changing the oil, though, which I had completely forgotten about. I dragged out the owner's manual this morning, and it said to change the oil after the first five hours and then after every 50 hours. I was long overdue. So, on the way back from taking my dogs to the groomer, I stopped at Advance Auto for a quart of oil--Chris insisted on non-detergent 30W. He also insisted that he help me change the oil.I couldn't wait a few weeks for him to fit me in though. So I opted for a synthetic blend which was recommended by the manual and the guy in the store. It was pretty easy in the end, and the machine is running smoothly. I got the boys from the groomer. They look so much better as they were beginning to look pretty shaggy. When I got home, I got the notion to clean up the foilage from the downed tree in my backyard. I am probably going to have to get my tree guy to take the whole thing down, but the palm fronds from the top were covering my grass and I have to mow tomorrow. Also, I was hoping to save a couple of bucks for doing the tree. So, I started with a saw and a pruning sheers, and after lunch went with an ax and a hatchet. It made quick work of it. The hardest part was hauling everything from the back out to the street for bulk pick-up. Another day of hard labor. Usual. Then, I had to wait for the insurance adjuster to come and look at my roof leak. It turns out I'm not covered for it, and I'll end up withdrawing the claim. But the adjuster did point out what needs fixing, and recommended that I hire a pro to do the job. This I have now done. It has actually been a problem for some time, and I need to get it fixed. The joys of home ownership. I took the dogs out for their afternoon stroll, and my other neighbor, Peter, tells me that the power is back on. Yeah! i unhook my power cord from my generator to my house, and go to my main switch and turn it on again. I then turn all my circuits on and hit the lights--nothing! I check to make sure I am doing it right, but Peter comes back to tell me that the power is out again. I do not believe it! I wait a little while in the vain hope that it will come back soon. Eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with chips for supper. Wait a little more, and then hook up the generator again. I have another cold shower, so at least I'm clean and get a lttle girlied up for the evening. While I'm working on the computer, there is a pounding on the door. It's Chris again telling me that the power is back on. I tell him that I can't come to the door--well, I have the girls on over a tight t-shirt, and I don't know how he would take it. I tell him that I am going to let things be for the night and change back in the morning. Jeanie, another neighbor down the street, (I have a lot of neighbors checking on me) called to tell me power was on and that it was on to stay. I also told her that I don't trust the power company, and am going to leave my generator run tonight. I am done playing with the power company, and the neighbors for that matter, for the evening. So, there. Time to chat with the girls.

Yesterday, I made a good start on rearranging the house since my wife died. I am keeping her old room as a guest room for the rare times that I do have guests. Maybe that will change. Anyway, I had my desk in my b bedroom along with everything else a nd it was a bit cramped to say the least. As I wrote previously, my motivation for changing everything now was so that I could put a small window unit ac in my room so that the dogs and I wiould be cool for sleeping. We are not due to have power on until the end of the weekend, and I have been getting tired of being hot and sticky when I'm trying to sleep. Ugh! I am spoiled. In order to do that, I had to move the desk and a side table which entailed taking apart the bed so that I could get it out. Nothing is easy, especially for me who only has the vaguest notion of what I am doing. So now the house is coolish again, and I plan on spending the day going through files and closets and just sorting out. I have had offers of help from family and friends to help me go through my wife's things which is a sad experience. But, I have been through this before with my second wife, and I am going to claim the things that work for Michelle before someone else does or throws them away. As it turns out, I can wear all of her panties--many of which are still in the wrapper--and her bras work too. A lot of her pants fit as d o her swim suit bottoms, some tops work as well. I fugure this will help since it will be less for me to buy right now. Eventually, I will want to get new things just for Michelle, but I'm trying--well, sort of trying--to watch my budget while still part-time employed. Irma has made a dent in my income as schools are still closed until Monday at the earliest. So, that's where I am now. I made it through the storm in good shape. The house does not have any damage. I will have to pay my tree guy to remove one big tree that came down--that will cost me. I do have to get a roofer to fix a leaky attic air vent--another pretty good expense. Oh yeah, then I have to keep buying gas for the generator which soaks it up like a sponge, another $30 today just to get me through until tomorrow. Hurricanes are expensive as is home ownership. There, I'm complaining again. My bad. I did pick up a soft ladies T-shirt at Walmart today this morning while buying milk and fruit, so I'm not hurting that bad. I'm going to read the paper and get to work. Later.

Lately, I have been having some difficulty loading the transgender guide. It has been very intermittent, and I don’t know why. Last night, I could get on, but no one was in the CD chat room. I was all gussied up with my new four-inch pumps and my thigh high stockings. At first, I put on my floral romper, but then changed into my leopard print dress—much sexier. But I had no one to visit with, so I ended up going to bed. Just as well. Tonight, I am wearing my new clam diggers with a yellow Walmart t-shirt and my new gold belt. Simple, but sexy too. I do think I am kind of cute.Maybe a little vain as well. I have fallen in love with being Michelle Lea. I must put her on hold for most of the day now, however. A major hurricane is approaching, and the neighborhood is getting ready. This means much more interaction with my neighbors than I usually have. So, this morning, I bid adieu to my painted toenails so as not to cause confusion with my neighbors. What could I say? I was bored, and it was something to do? I don’t think they would understand. Net ready yet. It is the reality of things. I’m about as ready as I am going to be. I have been in Florida long enough to have been through multiple hurricane threats that didn’t materialize, and one that did. I don’t think we’re going to avoid this one and it is a monster. I think we’ll make it through, but I don’t know for sure. If the house blows away, all bets are off. I’ll find our old wills tomorrow and send them to the girls. Better than nothing. At least, I was able to dress for a little while. We’ll see.

in some ways this was just another typical Sunday, you know, cleaning the house, doing laundry, working in the yard, etc. But then, there are no "typical" days anymore. It's a funny thing about life, at least in my experience, that when you are into something, people and resources appear to help you along the way. Well, i did some looking initially,like finding the Transgender Guide and meeting all my new CD friends. I have made such huge advances in opening up my female self with their help. Then this morning, just for shucks, I started looking for local wig shops that might cater to CD's, and came across Renee Reyes's website. I spent a good portion of my day reading it and am still not finished. Wow, what an inspirational lady, and so smart. Although, she looks gorgeous, she is really about inner beauty and embracing joy and happiness. She does mention that we girls do tend to be a bit vain (smile), and we spend a lot of time working on our looks, but it is a process and we should enjoy the ride. She likens it to reliving our childhoods, but this time we should make better use of it. Anyway, I will recommend her to my friends. I am thrilled to have discovered her. And on that note, I decided it was high time a put on some fingernail polish. I had been painting my toes for the past couple of weeks and loved the look, but didn't want to do nail polish since I can't hide my hands like I do my toes when I go out. But, What a Trip! Talk about instant femininity! I don't have to work tomorrow, so I'll be able to enjoy them for most of the day until I go to dinner at our neighbors. It will be a littel bit of a hassle to do nail polish, but worth it I think. Thanks for the tip, Renee. I do need to work on my technique, however. It took a while to get them right, but hey, it was my first time. So, I'm going to sit back, and take my time, and enjoy the ride. Hugs to all.

I have been having difficulty loading this page for some reason, but now I'm back at it. As those who have been following know-namely Monica, Chrissy, and Emma Sweet--this has been a rough summer. In June, I found out that I was losing my job after almost 11 years at PACE Broward. And then, at the end of July, my wife died rather suddenly. She had not been doing well for quite a while, but we always thought there would be more time. The weeks following my wife's death were filled with a crush of friends and retatives offering support and sympathy. We had a final memorial gathering at the house. We had a good turnout and it went well, and then Sunday came and I was truly on my own for the first time in forever. I don't know what got into me, but I didn't waste any time beginning my transformation into Michelle. I presented as a man for my wife, but thre was no need any more. I would still grieve my loss, but I knew this time was coming, and I already had some ideas about what I would do when I was on my own. Besides, I wasn't returning to my old worksite, so people wouldn't know any better. The first thing to go was the moustache. I had been threatening. Although I am close to 75--November--my hair is still brown. The only part that is gray is my moustache which I had to continually keep dyeing with Just for Men to keep from looking like a pensioner. Even then, it still had streaks of gray that wouldn't be covered. What a pain! My wife did say thought at without a moustache, I didn't look like I had any upper lip. In this, she was absolutely right. My lower lip is full enough; the upper lip, not so much. I have since learned to push it with a lip pencil and lipstick. It is what it is. A plastic surgeon could probably enhance my lips, but I don't see me doing that for many reasons. Anyway, back to the topic. I had enough of a severance package and paid leave from work to last me a little while, but not for a whole lot longer. I needed to work to supplement my social security check. I went through all the requirements to substitute teach as a fill-in while looking for a full-time job, but school had not yet started and there wouldn't be any demand for subs until it did. I did have several interviews with schools for ESE (special needs) support, but never got called back. I have good experience and great recommendations, but I have a feeling that my age may have eliminate me. I began to widen my search beyond education--I still did not want to be back in the classroom--but that may change. I would even consider anything that I could do that paid at least $15/hour, but that's not minimum wage yet. Last week, I interviewed with AFLAC to sell accident insurance, but haven't heard back from them either. Then, Ms. Brooks, the ESE Specialist, I worked with from the school district called to tell me that I was expected to sub at the Pompano Youth Treatment Center--a Department of Juvenile Justice detention center for boys--on Friday. Since I had not previously registered with the Broward substitute teaching system, I thought that one had fallen through. Not so. I was told that classes started at 7:15, and I got ready and left the house about 6:20. Even with a major wrong turn on the turnpike, I still was early enough to have to wait in lobby. It turned out to be a pretty easy day. During the first two periods, a chess teacher worked with the boys on their chess.The rest of the morning was taken up with a movie. The boys were respectful. I didn't do a whole lot, but I did get paid for it, so what the hey. Now I find out that I am booked for the next week at a different detention center. I might actually have to do some work for this one. Given the circumstances, I have not ruled out a full-time teaching gig with one of the centers. It actually felt good to be working again, not that I haven't enjoyed or really needed some time off, but it will be a relief not to have to worry about an income. But, in the meanwhile, Michelle came out and has blossomed and will continue to do so. That is not changing. I will never go back to where I was. This is who I am--so world, get used to it. I have to give a shout-out to Andrea, who has become my mentor and guide in transforming into Michelle. The other girls in the CD chat room have all been supportive and fun just to be with. So that's it for now. We'll see what kind of trouble I can get into tomorrow. Stay tuned.:)

I'm feeling a little low tonight, and I was not going to get dressed and spiffed up. But I did, and I do feel better. I had lunch today with two of my former co-workers at PACE Center for Grils a place called The Whale's Rib in Deerfield Beach. Jen was my direct supervisor for 10 years and Shelly was the #2 person at PACE, and I knew her for 10 years as well. They have become friends and have been very supportive of me throughout my job loss and the loss of my wife. Both wrote glowing letters of recommendation for me, so much so that I wondered if they were writing about me. (I do have some self-esteem issues although I shoudn't) We had planned on having lunch together for a long time, and I asked Shelly to set it up and pick a favorite place of hers and Jen's. The Whale's Rib as the name suggests is a seafood restaurant just across A1A from the beach. I passed it a few times before finally spotting it, and then paid $10 to park my car (ouch) which it turns out I didn't need to do, but oh well. I got there right at 11:30, and met them just inside the restaurant. We hugged and found a booth. It was nice to see them. It would have been more fun to have met them as Michelle and really been one of the girls, but I'm still Mr. Mac to them, and this was not the time to come out to them. So, we talked about job searching and family and what we were doing. just catching up stuff. In the end, we got into TV shows and stuff we were into which was more fun and interesting, but lunch was over and it was time to go by then. We will stay in touch. I don't know that we will have lunch again anytime soon. I guess I had my hopes up that it would have been more. It is what it is. So, I drove home feeling more on my own than I have for a while. It has been a little over a month since my wife died, and it just starting to sink in that I am alone. I have to say that I haven't minded it that much. I am free to do as I please, and I am liking that a lot. Still, it does take some getting used to. I have thoroughly enjoyed chatting with my new-found friends on this site. I should at least check in tonight. I have to think about that.

It's good to write when you're feeling low. Keep doing it! It often helps me to write, either here or mostly in my journal. It's amazing what comes up. You wrote, "I do have some self-esteem issues although I shoudn't." I've been told my therapists that applying these "should's" and "shouldn't's" to ourselves doesn't help. Later, when we feel low, for example, and get down on ourselves because we "shouldn't" feel this way just doesn't help, it can make it worse. Another way to consider it is to mentally notice your feelings, like you're observing from a distance. How bad is it? What does it feel like in your body? Is it the same as before? Worse? Better? It's like you are examining it like you might a pair of shoes, a book, or whatever. Then, put it on the shelf (in your brain) and go on with your day, your friends, your life. These feelings will pass. Emma

I have to agree with Emma Sweet's blog entry that the cosmetics section of your local Walgreens or Walmart or Target can be pretty intimidating for us newbies, especially when it looks like we don't belong there. Actually, we do; but that's another story. Amazon is a safer bet. Be that as it may, I am venturing forth, going to stores that I don't usually frequent so I don't have to explain myself to an acquaintance. Before self-checkout, and before I started cross-dressing for real, I thought about maybe buying a birthday card to go with my girly purchases; or maybe waiting until Christmas. In a past life, I have bought many intimates for Christmas presents. But I digress. So today, I picked up a make-up brush and eye shadow along with two pair of tights on sale and nylons. I looked at dresses and could have bought a couple, but that was another $50 and I was already straining my budget. I am still not working you know. And on that score, I got two calls to substitute teach today, but I was told that I was not in the system. How could that be? I thought I had done everything. Wrong! Maybe I'm getting more addled or my head is in another place, but I did not read the fine print which explained to me how to register. You know, they could have put that in the email to ,make it easier, but I guess the school board people just wanted to see who was paying attention. I finally did get it figured out. There will be more jobs--not to worry. So tonight, I tried my hand at some eye makeup, which while not a total disaster, is not far from it. My guide in this case was a Cover Girl ad for making cat eyes like Katy Perry. Mine look more like racoon eyes--well at least I'm ready for trick-or-treating. This will take some practice and more tutorials--real ones. The one queen who does makeup tutorials is gorgeous. I'm beyond that. I just want to look presentable.​ I figured out how to put a picture up. Don't know how to do an album yet. I'll work on it. Later.

This was one of those days when I got up an hour earlier than I thought--which was damn early--like 3:40 am. I didn't realize this until a little later after I had given the do gs their breakfast and taken them for their walk and did my exercises. Then I saw it was nearly 5--a more normal time for me. Anyway, I was up, so I made coffee and added to my grocery list and tried to read the digital edition of the Miami Herald. I was not making it so the recliner beckoned for a little chair nap, for which I am famous. Back up at 7:00 still feeling groggy, I had the rest of my now cold coffee--too lazy to even nuke it-and my breakfast cereal and then off to Walmart. My wife and I had a routine to go to Walmart first and then finish up at Publix. But since I did not have a huge list and I'm trying to watch my budget, i thought I could do it all a Walmart, including a few non-grocery, non-typical items like eye liner, foundation, mascara, and nail polish. ( I need eye shadow too, but I forgot to put it on the list. I have to go out tomorrow anyway.) My wife and I shopped at Walmart at roughly the same time each Saturday for the past 10 years or so, and were acquainted with several staff members and customers as well. So the first person I see is Deepak, who is the checker at the back of the store by the garden shop. We've known Deepak like forever, and he was a special ed teacher so we would chit-chat about our students and how unruly they sometimes could be. He offered his condolences when I told him of my wife's death, and then went on about not being able to start over at my age. His message seemed to be that I had best carry on until the end--what a bummer! (I didn't tell him that.) I just nodded and made my way down the aisle to the cosmetics department with him tagging along. In my head, I was saying, "No, Deepak, go back to the register. I don't need you now." And, "What do you mean I can't start over when I am transforming myself into Michelle Lea, and I'm free to be me and on my own for the first time in my life! Life is just beginning!" (I don't usually use that many exclamation points, but I feel the are justified under the circumstances). Well, I was finally set to pick up my make up items when I run into another couple we encountered every week and became friendly with. So, I had to let them know, and then I didn't feel like explaining why I was buying cosmetics when I had no wife. I'm still pretty new at this. I am not confident that the people we knew would understand. I did my other shopping with the intention of going back to cosmetics but that didn't work out. Target, here I come. In the end, I did get most of what I wanted and was planning on prettying up tonight for a chat with the girls. But I'm now feeling a little under the weather and just want to go to bed early and try again tomorrow. But, I did get the lawn mowed, despite frequent showers,and I did visit my neighbor who just had hernia surgery and is a hurting piece of gear and I did finallay catch up with my brother who lives outside of Austin, TX, to see if he and his family are okay after Harvey made landfall. I did get my toenails polished, not the fingernails yet. One of the shades I bought is almost a non-color and hardly worth the effort. I feel naked now if my toenails aren't polished. I have girly flip-flops I wear around the house. And so there it is for now. Later.

Sunday mornings have been my usual time to clean the house which means vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, and so on. I have always believed that a husband should contribute to the household chores besides taking out the garbage which seems to be a typically male thing to do. Also, I do like a clean house. I'm not OCD mind you--well maybe a little--and I am finicky about being neat and clean as was my wife . We were in total agreement on that score. But not that I am on my own, and with no one around to tell me what I should and shouldn't do... Well, for starters, I painted my toenails a shocking pink--pretty girly. The bottle said Sinful Colors and that works for me. Then I put on a cute blue romper and a necklace and bracelets. I figures I might as well get a little dressed if I was going to work. Then for some reason, the romper wasn't working quite right so I put on a animal print bikini which looked great. Unfortunately, my privates kept coming out of the bottom part and I didn't like the look of that. So, I found a better bottom with a string bra top which worked just fine. (My wife used to say that I changed clothes more often that a woman. Do women change clothes often?) Anyway, doing housework was never more fun. Maybe, I just like being a maid. If truth were told, I really think that I am a submissive CD. I have always been married to dominant women, and I seem to prefer the secondary role. Also, I hve enjoyed reading some erotic literature about submissives. For me it's a turn on. So, I guess that's that. I think the hardest thing for me and maybe for everyone is to be honest with oneself and own up to one's true feelings.My mantra lately is: "It is what it is." No judgements, just the facts. Life isn't what should be, life is what is. Accepting that makes a lot of sense to me and a great relief. So that's what's going on in my brain today. I try not to be too gullible and naive, but sometimes I still get taken advantage of. I don't mind if it's not too big a thing. Later.

Before I joined the TG cross-dressers chat group, which was about a week ago, my idea of cross-dressing was somewhat limited. I didn't know or have contact with any other cd's, but I had read enough to know that there were others like me, and it was okay to be the way I am. I just like all things girly and feminine and become a different me when dressed up- a me that I really like. My wife and I (before she died) watched RuPaul's Drag Race and Caitlyn Jenner, but that's not really what cross-dressing is about. So I would wear whatever was handy and sneakliy buy a few pieces of clothing and jewelry (very small and inexpensive), and that was it. I would sleep in nighties, but othewise I was pretty male. So now I'm finding out everything it takes to do it right. It does take a little bit of money to get started and of course there is never an end to what you can buy or spend. But I have wanted to at least make a decent start without breaking the bank. I did find a mentor almost immediately--Andrea--who has taught me a lot about embracing my feminine self and doing what it takes to be more feminine. I had already shaved off my moustache, but now it was time to do the whole body. Andrea told me what to buy and how to do it and the results are amazing. And always wearing panties. And how a bra makes you feel more womanly, and about breast forms. So then, listening to the other girls in the chat room, I realized that I don't have any dresses or skirts or shoes. I do have a pair of tights, but no panty hose or stockings to speak of. How can I purport to be a cross-dresser without those items. Then Penelope revealed that she buys just about everything from the thrift store, and I t hojugt, what a great idea. I had been to consignment shops, but I didn't realize the thrift store would work too--at bargain basement prices. So, feelng a little sorry for myself today after having failed to get another job I interviewed for--that's another story--I tried out Goodwill this morning. What fun! It takes quite a bit of pawing through stuff--kind of like Ross--but I did manage to find three dresses and two skirts. I must say my taste runs from the tacky to the outrageous, but what the hell. I liked the feel and I wasnt' betting the farm. And like Penelope said, the clerk didn't seem to mind that this guy was checking out all this lady stuff. I will be back. I spent almost the entire afternoon trying on what I bought, and for the most part, I am pleased and will definitely be getting some good wear out of them. One of the more formal dresses from David's Bridal--must have been a Mother of the Bride (MOB) dress--took some figuring out. There seemed to have been a lot of engineering that went into constructing it, and it took more than a little effort to get in on right. I can get it to work. The others are a breeze. So I'm all dressed up tonight, and no one was in the cd chat room earlier. I changed my profile picture again. I tried it with the wig, but really prefer it without. i need to find a wig that fits my face a little better.Anyway, I am slowing evolving. It's been a busy week. We'll see how it goes next week.