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This is attempt number 2 - I have literally taken most of it from my other post and tried to remember what I had written differently! I have had this weekend pretty much to myself, normally I spend most evenings wishing I had the time to be me, but whether it is because I have been out a lot or just not had the time I do not know. Today though was different, I went to work this morning but as soon as I arrived back home I changed into some leggings and a jumper and did some hopefully subtle eye makeup - I seem to either do too little or too much - and some not so subtle red lipstick - no reason to, I just really wanted to. I put on my favourite wig and when I looked in the mirror I saw Dee, a woman enjoying her weekend. So a thought came into my head "that is exactly what I should do". I may not be able to go for coffee as I do not want to be out where I am, and I have to drive for 2.5 hrs to get to the closest population centre where I could relax with a much lower risk of physically bumping into someone I know. I decided to go for a drive, I think that seeing someone post countryside pictures recently inspired me so I decided to go on a wee forestry walk, and on a Sunday afternoon as remote as I am, I was always likely to meet others as it is common to go for a Sunday afternoon walk. I started plotting. I put my wig and brand new red jacket - bought after I chickened out of going out last time - in a bag and put some loose joggers on over the top along with one of my big hooded man jackets, I smiled every time I passed a car just in case they noticed my lips were redder than normal! (I know, like 2 cars passing at 50mph have time to notice that sort of thing) and then when I was around 20 minutes away from the house and less likely to be passed by someone I know I pulled over to the side of the road and took off the man clothes and put my wig back on, now I could openly smile and enjoy singing along to Adele as I drove. I found a good spot with only one or two cars in the starting car park and went for my first walk outside as Dee, my hair stayed on even in the wind, half a mile down the path I spotted a pink jacket coming my way, after a moment of panic I thought sod it and kept going - I smiled and said hello as I passed the only other woman on the path, she smiled briefly, nodded and carried on. British walking etiquette is nothing if not predictable, I do not know if I passed as I have no foundation on, but I met no one else and enjoyed what was probably only a 2 mile walk or 30 minutes in the woods. Feeling brave I also stopped and explored some standing stones at the side of the road and took another couple of pictures then arrived home just a few minutes ahead of the rain. So I typed this up as I sat waiting for my coffee to brew, listening to the rain on the window and feeling very relaxed and accomplished. Today between being in the car and going for my walk I have spent an hour and a half outside in the real world as Dee. It was exciting and worrying as I was changing in the car, and then just as I passed the other walker, but other than that I have to say that it felt so totally average being a girl outside, so much so that even after I took my wig off when I looked in the mirror I saw a woman smiling back. It may not mean much to others but I really could not be happier that I was brave enough to try. Best of all though is that I got to wear my new red coat.💗 XX

Thank you Emma, that is really nice of you to say 🤭 I only have to cover 150 miles but most of it is winding single carriageway and the occasional VERY small village. This was so much scarier than when I've bought nail polish or clothes in a store but I know that in that situation my own paranoia makes me nervous, shopkeepers really do not care one way or another unless you are rude to them. There are a couple of tea rooms closer but they are so small I would feel too conspicuous. Because until 6 months ago I have only ever associated dressing for solo sexual gratification there are a lot of shameful feelings and the things I used to buy and purge I would never have been brave or stupid enough to gift a woman and expect her to wear without being slapped. The party was the first time I had dressed in front of others as a female and was for the completely mundane reason of a fancy dress party. The pleasure I felt being talked to in the D&D game as a woman combined with enjoying wearing the clothes and being completely smooth skinned for the first time since puberty was what really shook me and started me down this path as I needed to find out why my feelings were so intense. It does still mean that I carry the shame of dressing for my entire teen and adult life in secret and meant that when I finally told my older sisters I also apologised for borrowing their clothes (especially when my sister remembered getting totally yelled at for laddering a pair of my mums good tights which she had not touched - and with my revelation I was the likely culprit - I've always loved the look and feel of tights, as a toddler I had a habit of touching them wherever I saw them which my mum had to apologise for frequently, turns out I like them on me too). I am really only just getting to a point where I am not ashamed and embarrassed of wanting to be seen as a woman by others, but honestly it is a constant battle not helped by the fact that it is still effectively a secret, which in my mind makes me "guilty" even if the reasons for not outing myself yet are wise. The first time I dress for myself in front of my friends which I hope will be later this year will be a big test for me and may involve tears - but I am not there yet!

Ah yes, I remember your post! I’m glad you re-entered it. You do look terrific, your hair, face, and that lovely red coat. 2.5 hours for coffee is quite a drive. I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to do it, and I’ve no doubt you’ll have a great time. I’ve done similarly. I recall about ten years ago I’d gone off camping by myself, away from my wife and family. They had decent WiFi in the campground and I surfed the web like mad. I’d bought some tights at a grocery store and wore them beneath my pants which felt good. But I needed more. I had to have more. I then drove about 300 miles south to Los Angeles to go to a store that specialized in cross dressing clothes. I was there when they opened, shopped for an hour, and then returned to my campground. The clothes weren’t very nice or of good quality but I enjoyed wearing them. So, I know at least something about what you’re going through. It’s exciting but also so stressful at times. Remember this please: your joy comes from a true sense of finally experiencing your authentic self. There is nothing wrong or untoward about you or your feelings.

Ok, this is probably not the normal way to use a blog, but I figured putting my thoughts and feelings somewhere could help me sort out where I am. Most of the posts by me in here will likely be rather short. If there is anyone out there that wants to read and it helps them, all the better. Ok, to get started, I am Tilly. I am new to all of this and aml struggling with a lot of things. My wife reacted somewhat poorly when she caught me 'under dressing,' but womans' undergarments have been a comfort of mine fo some time. I'm thrilled to have found this forum of wonderful and supportive people, you have already helped me start dealing with my emotional train wreck, (and I am not even on HRT). I also have a group of friends that are very laid back that I shared my vulnerability with, and they are absolutely wonderful. I was able to dress away from privacy for the first time and it was absolutely wonderful. They even started being chivalrous right off the bat, when I mentioned that I was chilly, one of them wrapped me in his jacket. I was surprised by the gesture at the time being my first time out as my feminine self.

Believe me it'll be the best you ever had...I know! ☺️

I do hope so, it better be a good cup of coffee! 🤔

I do hope you get the opportunity to get out on your own many more times. That feeling of nervousness, fear and anxiety will quickly be replaced with peace, comfort and serenity. Before you know it you'll be driving 2 1/2 hours for that simple cup of coffee! 😊

Aww! Thank you Jess 🤗 I think I am my own worst enemy sometimes and when I am feeling negative all those fears and worries come bubbling out. I find my thoughts berating me and telling me I am not really trans and that I do not belong here, or that I am just cross dressing to get cheap thrills (which was the case for years until I started thinking about it seriously), but when I share my thoughts or what has been on my mind and someone says they "know the feeling" that inner critic has to be silent. Recently I was commenting on someone else's blog about the hidden statistics of trans people who haven't accessed UK services and they replied, "You asked your counsellor to call you Dee, and it feels right. You will come out soon enough." I do not share her confidence, and initially I was not sure how to take her response but that someone further along their personal journey of discovery than me assumes it is just a question of time is actually kind of nice. For me being outside my house for the first time has been so important and is so much scarier than anything else I have done, it made me vulnerable to others even if I chose a place where that number would be low!

Hi Dee. Gosh I know that feeling so well; just reading about you made me smile. 😊 By the way, you look fantastic, too. You have nothing to worry about or be fearful of. I adore your coat! Jess