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I have also experienced this - truly. I really didn't know when she asked me. I just told her that I'd keep exploring, contemplating, etc. It was highly emotional and we did decide to divorce. It's still emotional for both of us as we remain close, but as BFFs, not a marriage partners. I'm afraid that for you this is one of those rare times when you need to seriously consider how important it is for you to find your authenticity and live it... or not. Of course only you can answer that. It may well upend your wife's world and yours, that's a fact. It's almost two years since I drove north from the Bay Area away from my wife and our home. At the time I really didn't know where I'd end up. As it is now, I legally changed my name and gender (surprised but I was compelled due to Trump's threats), started HRT (as an experiment at first, but I liked it much more than I expected), discarded all of my male clothing, came out to everyone I know, had GCS and breast augmentation surgeries, and am scheduled for facial surgery in one month. Honestly, I had no idea I'd do all this, need to do any of it. I've reached a decision point, thought about it, weighed it, made the decision, and then encountered the next decision point and repeated my process. I'm happier but I miss my life partner, flaws and all. I'm lucky that we stay in touch but she's 1,000 miles away...

At this point, I think I need to live authentically. I can't go back to lying to the world at large. I love how I feel as Tilly, I don't think that I could keep my sanity if I had to box myself up again. It is going to hurt for a while as my family falls apart, but I think it will be better for everyone in the long run.

I'd like to add what my therapist advised when I was in your situation. You are not responsible for your wife's feelings and/or emotions. Hers are valid and so are yours but authenticity means that you can (and should) express yourself regardless of their reaction. Trying to save her from her pain or worrying about it doesn't do you or her any good. Now, I know that's easy to say. Perhaps good to keep in mind though.

I can’t wait for this weekend! I’m getting my first pedicure! What color should I get? Also I really want to go shopping to try on clothes and shoes just not what is the method to do it. Thinking about going to target or Walmart just not sure what sizes I should be looking for.

I would be curious if you are able/willing to expand about this Christa because so far neither of my sisters and neither of the two sets of couples I told said they had noticed anything about my gender - at all - one of my male friends had to acknowledge my complete un-interest when it came to sports, but they have all always just seen me as a nice, well balanced male. Not even slightly effeminate just not overtly alpha, just quietly confident. I suppose because I have not even met with a gender therapist yet, let alone started with hrt that I am very aware that what people will see is just a man in drag if I did start ewaring my Dee clothes more. Someone who enjoys wearing womens clothes, that is not the impression I want to give, I do enjoy wearing them, but it is more than just fashion, most of the time they do not sit right at the bust area and they may not know me as Dee the same way that folks online do, but I am trying to drop a lot of my masking techniques and be myself a bit more the odd time I do meet up. Due to my marriage and the power balance in it I have not had a physical social life for many years and 2 years ago moved away from where my friends were mostly based for work, isolating myself even more - we all still chat on FB but it is basically big birthdays and weddings etc when we see each other these days. I have nowhere I can go out and just chill out as Dee. I honestly don't even know if I want to, part of me does, but part of me is still saying no - I look at transitioning as a which is better? deal at the moment - I know I am unhappy as I am, I was surprised by the sheer intensity of the joy when people use "her" pronouns to discuss my blog, or compliment the odd picture I share, Monica welcoming me to sisterhood just makes me smile thinking about it. Yet I wonder if it is all just a crutch or a distraction technique to take me away from facing up to my problems - I under dressed for the first time in ages yesterday - I know I was feeling low and wearing my panties and socks while I went about my day just made things a little easier to handle. I do not shave as often as I did when I was questioning, my legs, arms and chest have been relegated to once every week or even fortnight if I am busy or know I will not get much me time because I am too flat to bother now. Am I fighting natural me? or am I fighting to be natural me? I love your passion and positive energy and determination to be Christa and embrace her, it feels to me through your posts like you are introducing her slowly to all the different aspects of your life. You are at peace with what you are doing and why. I do not feel that at all. Sorry, I've gone all rambly again.

My wife asked me flatly if I am going to transition fully this evening. I'm not sure if she meant surgically or not, but I had to say probably. I hate making her cry, but I couldn't outright lie to her. The time that I spend as Tilly is the happiest and most relaxed time that I can remember recently. But I don't know if I can handle breaking my wife's heart. I know that if I don't do this I am lying to myself, and it will hurt me worse in the long run. Yours in emotional pain, Tilly.

On the up side, I guess I can now be 24/7... At least once we talk to my daughter.