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Last week I had an opportunity to attend my second Transgender Conference in Pennsylvania; having only attending my first just 8 weeks earlier in Boston. I hadn't really definitively planned to, but another TG member offered to share the cost of accommodations at the Convention Center and the schedule fell in line with my planned travel from Florida to NY. My first Event, in Boston, appropriately billed as The First Event, was a big test for me. Having preparing for many years to step out in public as Jessica, but never having actually done that, I wanted to see my comfort level in presenting authentically for a continuous and relatively prolonged length of time. My first time going out in public was 3 days prior to the start of the convention and I remained Jess continuously for 10 days after. That experience met and exceeded my expectations; it was like falling back into a huge, plush, sofa that I just didn't want to get up from. Well, responsibility always calls, and you have to answer, but from that point on I really got into high gear with "living authentically". ( using the term "transitioning" bothers me immensely in that it infers I'm becoming someone new, rather than finally accepting and living as someone I've always been).🙋‍♀️ So about 6 weeks after First Event, I was off to the Keystone Conference, aptly footnoted as " A Celebration of Gender Diversity". One week earlier I moved into my new Florida home, living entirely authentically, and now was off to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. I met many from First Event there and it was very special to remember their names and chat again briefly about how we've been doing since. The icing on the cake, however, was the opportunity to share the Keystone experience with someone from the TG forum and having the time to get to know each other better as one girlfriend to another. I really look forward to continuing that special friendship; my first as Jessica. There were workshops Thursday, Friday And Saturday during the day covering many topics; I focused largely on those dealing with GRS, FFS, non surgical procedures, make-up, and the like. All were very good and I learned a lot to add to what I learned from First Event. The dinner outings were also great, but I gained 4 solid pounds (Ugh), breakfast, luncheons and dinners throughout. Several keynote speakers for the luncheons and Saturday banquet were all right on; but the most significant thing I've taken away from the whole experience is that the overall public perception of gender diversity is changing rapidly and on the verge of acceptance. We should be seen, not try to "hide" ourselves; learn to be more comfortable out there and be our own "goodwill ambassadors" when in public for the community we are all a part of. I will post more on specific topics from the convention down the road that should be of interest to those that were unable to attend. Jess😍

Attagirl Jess! I applaud your coming out authentically as yourself. I know what you mean about that word “transition”; for me, I think about it’s mean that I’m transitioning to my authentic self. But as we know that transgender is an umbrella that authenticity can be quite different from one to another. I wonder: where did you see yourself on that spectrum, say, a year ago versus now? The reason I ask is only because I was surprised to find myself continuing to inexorably move toward the right side of the Benjamin scale. I think these conferences are so wonderful. I attended my first in August of 2017 which seems like such a short time ago. Like you, I’d never gone out in public like that, presenting as authentically as I could. Those three days were scary and exhilarating. I agree that in “bubbles” like Boston and Seattle that we are accepted and somewhat applauded. I also agree how important it is for us to push ourselves to proudly just be ourselves in the communities, and demonstrate that we’re nothing to be concerned about in a negative way. We are as normal as anyone else. Through that I hope that more and more people will gain understanding and comfort.

Hi Emma, had to look it up, (the Benjamin Scale). I would say most of my life up to 10 years ago I "saw" myself as "IV" on the scale, and since have seen myself as a VI although in reality I've probably always been "VI" most of my life, I just never knew it before.. , but I know now😍 . Yes it is very important to be visible, one of the most important things we can do as a group, if we are able to, to help others struggling with their gender. I intend to keep my place in any community I'm in because I help build it, and have my whole life; I'm a part of it and it's a part of me. Also funny how the more you get out authentically, the easier and more natural it becomes and feels. I rarely even think of my self as transgender anymore when I'm out in public, now💇‍♀️

I shaved properly (with a razor instead of my electric shaver) for the first time since my laser this morning and because I knew I would have the house to myself i put on my prettiest black dress and a pair of heels I bought ages ago but will never wear out because the heels are far too impractical... I wanted to see if it made me feel girly as I feel like Dee has been very quiet recently, not gone just not as loud or as certain as she has been. After teetering around making myself a late breakfast my intention was to sit and get some work done on my computer but instead I sat watching "Am I trans enough" videos on Youtube. An hour later I had taken the dress off as my libido was kicking in, dressing female has been heavily ingrained with satisfaction that my body responds automatically quite frequently and I end up horny without quite meaning or wanting to. I came back to the laptop and watched a couple of other videos of people and was disheartened again by the narrative of "I've always known" and "it was change or die" that I always seem to find hard because that has not been my personal experience, the Youtuber said that for her she went to a doctor and had done the Cogiati test, ans was told of course you are trans just get on with it. This is 10+ years ago. Out of interest I googled it and took the test, (3 times lol) I think I got the same thing now that I did when I was going through my online test phase late October - each time I fall into category 4 "Probable Transexual". "What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' transsexual." (the words above are copied straight from the site and are starting to show their age) Lol - even the online quiz, which by the third time of taking it I must have been deliberately attempting to skew answers while still being honest only uses words like "probable". I know that others have taken this test and that in reality it means diddly squat. My score floated somewhere between 170 and 205, though the site doesnt tell you out of what, last time I used a site that had the gradings and scores etc... The 205 was actually when I took the test the first time today, so in fact I became more masculine in my answers as I attempted to become more feminine lol. Problem is I cannot lie, and some of the questions are hard to answer and I never moved out of the same bracket. It seems that I am destined to not have someone tell me one way or the other - although a few very kind people online have told me that I am a transperson because of the content and thoughts that I have shared and that one day soon I will embrace it and move on. I do not really see any of these online tests as being indicative one way or another. I think that a part of me accepts that I must be trans to even want to be seen and recognised as a woman while a part of me just sees this whole process as one long irrevocable disaster waiting to happen. Every online piece of advice states categorically that you should not transition unless you are sure, but that seems to be a luxury that I am not able to afford. I was asked recently if I have a goal or a plan and I honestly do not. My only goal is to truly know who I am and to accept myself. Inner peace will lead to outer peace, I just want to do that with as little drama as possible. Unfortunately while I appear all calm and casual on the outside, inside my brain and emotions are tumbling around like a washing machine on a spin cycle. On the plus side though I have been able to laugh at myself today instead of just sighing. Which I take to be a good sign. x

I didn't really choose my life as Jessica, I think it was inevitable. For too long I chose the male and the female never, ever stopped nagging me. It's only when I stopped trying to choose it, that all the possibilities opened up to me. As far as insecurity goes, I think I always thought of my self as somewhat secure? Probably was wrong in that assumption; at 64 years old I feel a new, stronger sense of security in myself that was relatively unknown to me. Hard to explain, but food for thought, and that sense feels good to me.

Or maybe let life choose you, instead😎

Haha Jess, yes I thought I was past the online test nonsense by now, but I think I was seeking some form of external validation. That is wonderful to hear - believe me, I think I have probably spent 100's of hours trying to find youtubers and bloggers who simply transitioned because they knew it was the right thing to do and not the only thing to do. My gut just needs to get into gear and tell me if Dee is worth the risk. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and have to decide before October which path I want to explore - I can't keep on doing the buying, dressing and purging for excitement knowing that there is more behind it than just being a turn on. So do I choose life as insecure single male me or life as insecure single female me... 🙄👸

How? I feel like I am trying to force myself to be feminine instead of just letting it happen. Yet at the same time I feel like I am trying to force myself to be masculine and that it doesn't come naturally... 🤔