Hi Dee,
Sorry to read this; it’s very understandable that you’re feeling this way.
With a bit of hindsight I see that I’ve been dealing with a lot of grief over the last several years. My divorce, my transition, moving 1,000 miles away.
I suggest thinking about grief, maybe studying it through books, YouTube videos, etc. It’s especially important for you to try to be easy on yourself, patient, and kind with yourself. Yes it’s easy to say and hard to do.