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If you are suffering from depression, and snore, please ask your doctor for a sleep apnea test. Or if you just snore, as it can have long term effects that build slowly. This is not a cure. Depression can have MANY causes, and I'm not touting any snake oil easy card. But recent experiences for both Nikki and I have given me some new knowledge about the links between depression and the damage sleep apnea can do to you, and the difference for both of our cases has been astronomical since we started using the cpap machines. Yes, it can suck a little with the thing on your face, but the benefits have really been dramatic. And the physical issues I was chasing around with the doctor aren't heart disease at all, it was the damage the lack of oxygen long term at night was doing to my body and we've both gotten varying degrees of physical improvements also. And surprisingly after a few weeks it's broken my insomnia, another thing I learned can be apnea caused. If you're lucky you're not a mouth breaker like me, and can just get this little strap thingy that just covers your nose (like Nikki has), but I have to wear a plastic mask thingy that covers both my nose and mouth. If you do test and get a positive, it's a little wierd with the wall of air hitting you in the face at first and I had this urge to breath hard in response, but I got used to it after a week and started breathing like a normal person instead of a drowning one. I don't know if I'm just weird or there is a biological reaction going on there. Sometimes sleep apnea is misdiagnosed as depression. Sometimes depression is misdiagnosed as sleep apnea. And in a great many cases the two conditions intertwine and make each other worse. SO I wanted to share this with as many people as I can. Again, it's not a magic cure, and not instant, but I think we should always try to improve our quality of life. And I'm absolutely NOT saying do this not therapy/medication/whatever else you use, just get checked to make sure this isn't a side issue that is doing damage to both body and mind also. I'm just sharing for those who might also have been living in my mess and equally not aware of it can maybe get an improvement to help their current care. I think Nikki got more depression help and I got more physical help, but we both got some of each in the end.

Even though she tells me otherwise, I can see in my wife's eyes that she wants out so she can find a "real man". I think the only reason she stays with me is because of my disability. She feels like she has to take care of me or something. I wish I didn't have to put her through this, and that I could give her what she wants. Sometimes I feel like I should de-transition and go back to being him. Give her what she needs. She needs a man. I don't want to lose her, so if I have to take the blow then fine. I just don't know where to go on this. I'll do whatever it takes to keep her and make her happy. Even if it means I'm miserable. She is more important. And if the only thing that could make her happy is leaving me, I wouldn't be here for long afterwards. I have always felt nothing but self loathing. But now with what I'm putting her through, it's multiplied exponentially. Sometimes, I think I should just CTB so she is free to find what she wants. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know where to turn. I would see a therapist, but there are no LGBTQ+ friendly therapists within 2 hours of me. I'm just empty. I feel numb. Soul less. Broken. Lost. Where do I send my mind from here before it's as broken as my heart is?

Hi Monica! I was researching the apnea thing because I have a certain level of distrust for doctors due to several instances of not being taken seriously over my asthma medications and that emergency surgery issue in the past, and that is when I came upon the depression info. I hadn't known either. But the research was out there, as well as it making a certain logical sense that a brain deprived of oxygen can't function properly. I wasn't sold on whatever was going on in my chest being this, but I am now as it's all pretty much cleared up now that I use the machine nightly. And I've regulated to a normal sleeping pattern again, bonus! In my reading I was astounded at how many people die a year not knowing they are at risk or that it's fixable, it's millions. I honestly don't know how to process that information other than to put it on all my social places, hey peeps, consider looking into this if you have these issues. Because millions every year. Also advocate for yourself and loved ones. Nikki passed the verbal quiz the doctor gave us, but I insisted on the testing. Since my insomnia was still in full swing before I got the machine, I had plenty of time nearly every night to realize there was literally no breath sounds or movement, and just before I was reaching to wake him up in a panic there would be this horrifying, horror movie wet gupling gasping noise I can't describe, he'd roll over and breath again. So the doctor ordered the test, with a clear 'humoring the crazy woman' air at me, but the results were REALLY bad an apparently at an emergency level, where mine was just classed severe. In fact, they got Nikki the cpap within a month, with an automatic response unit to get the machine to him as fast as possible, while I had to undergo sleep titration at a sleep center after my iniitial diagnostic test and it took about four months from initial test to machine arrival. We've talked a lot about it now that he's been using it for months, and swears that is absolutely is helping the depression. It can't magic it away, as the root causes of it aren't purely physical in his case, but he welcome's the relief and did years of therapy for the ptsd from the childhood trauma and takes antidepressents and has a good quality of life again. I'm really happy about that! Another cliche of the day apparently, doctors may want to do well in their jobs, but no one cares about your safety as deeply as you or your loved ones I guess.

I would like to point out there are several online options now with real therapists, so help can be available anywhere in the world with an interenet connection, regardless of location. And if you don't already have them there are really cheap webcams and microphones out there now. Here are a couple resource links for your consideration to help you consider the option to get help in your location. The first link has contacts for 9 different service options, the second on is a basic overview of the option. Also, they're a little hard to find, but there are support resources out there for the spouses, and by all means consider suggesting she try to find and join one to talk to other people in her position, just like this place is to you. it's a great benefit. https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-therapy-4691206 https://www.talkspace.com/online-therapy/ Preface: take whatever I say as the spouse in this equation, and I speak from that point of view. There is no right or wrong here really. I know it's not a popular viewpoint, but it's not always about love conquers all. Just as transgender identities are fully real and need to be addressed as completely as possible for an authentic life, so too are sexual and romantic identities and some spouses can go along on the journey and are more fluid in their sexuality/romantic attachment needs than others and some can't and those needs for the spouses to live authentic lives matter also. The process of how it all works out with either type is not as clean and simple as we would like(and I really wish sorting it out had been simple, it took years to sort things out for us and in some ways we're still dealing with it all but it lessens every year), it's a process of self-discovery and reflection for her as much as it's been for you. The only advice I can give you is talk openly to her, listen as openly as you can to what she says, and work on your choices for the future together. It's the hardest thing to do, I know. Consider not mentioning the hints of not lasting long without her to her to give her the room to sort out what she wants out of life and ask for the same room to sort out what you want out of life, I've been on the end of that part from first husband, including three actual suicide attempts and it just made things worse trying to work it all out, but DO talk to a therapist or a trusted freind/relative group and believe that no matter how this works out there WILL be life ahead, with joys and struggles, surprises and plans, and all the things that make life awesome whether you stay together or go your own ways. There will always be things for you in this world, and while it's scary facing a potential huge change like that, those things are still in your future so don't give up! My best wishes to you both.

Monica - She didn't suddenly change her mind. She has always said she supports me, and still says that. But at the same time her eyes have told a different story. As for the hostility, that would be her parents. When I came out, they went from verbal abuse, to threats of physical attacks, as well as stealing from me. To them I have no worth or value. As for other couples, we know none. We're alone in a sea of intolerance and my life preserver is deflating while her life boat is sailing away. RachelB- I'll think on that. If you want to mention something and let me know what she thinks later, go for it. If not, that's fine too.

She is not more important than you BA. That's utter nonsense. You do realize that if you de-transitioned, it would not stop any gender issues, it would only make them worse. I know its hard to hear but sometimes relationships are not meant to be forever. And that's OK. You deserve to be happy and so does she. But that may mean you cannot be happy together. I have a fantastic gender therapist who lives across the country from me and we meet via zoom meetings. If you are interested., I'll make an introduction. If it weren't for her, I don't know where I'd be now. Hugs Rachel

Well, BA, I have a couple of things to say: 1. It seems unlikely to me that she doesn’t want to break up for you. Take her at her word. Is she upset and concerned? Sure, pretty certainly. But I highly doubt you’re able to read her mind. That said I think you owe it to each other to have a heart-to-heart talk. You love her and it sounds like she very much loves you. Ask her sincerely what’s coming up for her these days. Listen, and ask more questions. Let her know that you’ve really heard her. She’ll love you even more. Don’t try to “fix” or “repair” her or her emotions. Just let her get them out into the open. 2. I personally know how the guilt and shame adds up to feeling like you’re better off gone. That would so terribly hurt her and I know you don’t want that so what do you do? After listening to her (see #1 above) ask if she’ll listen to you. I’ll bet she will. Pour your heart out to her. Your shame, doubts, worries. Tell her how sad you are, that you feel miserable for hurting her. Go ahead and cry if you need to. You both have each other and need each other. There’re no guarantees but it sounds to me like you both love each other deeply and are terrified about “what might happen.”