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I have finally had a really good chance to catch up with my sister without little ears being around to lug in on the conversation. I updated her on my clinic appointment, how annoyed I was when I came out that the only thing that is happening is more counselling. Her advice was that I am subconsciously just not pushing because I have not committed to transitioning yet, that because of everything we have dealt with as a family until I can get this big worry about being as mentally unstable as my mum out of my head I would always worry if someone else is right if they are anti- trans and accuse me of having mental health issues. She also said that I am wasted here, if I came out as Dee in my local area I would be lynched, and yet she knows I do not want to move and start somewhere new only to have them watch me go through transition. Knowing I cannot be one way while I am here, but that I also cannot be anywhere else until I am sure of who I am will only add to my internal unhappiness. She definitely understands my worries and fears and has really nailed them. I would not literally get strung up, but emotionally and figuratively it would be a nightmare both for me and my son. At the end of a nice long hour and a half or so of chatting she gave me a hug and promised that she would be here supporting me regardless of whatever I choose, and without thinking I answered that I already know the answer, I just need to make sure it is the right motive. I was speaking whistfully but I think it is true. I know that with all my worry and my overthinking, with all my yoyo-ing it is not really about whether or not I am transgender, I think that answer became obvious a while back, the sheer amount of times I log in here each day just to read posts and I usually understand or empathise where a great many people are coming from tells me that I know that answer. I have spent over a year asking myself if I am male or female, if I am damaged goods or just a really good liar and wishful thinker. Those questions that are asked about if we would transition if we knew there would be no down sides are easy for me to answer now. I would live as DeeDee in a heartbeat. I think when I am being open with myself what I am actually doing is trying to build up a foundation for transitioning, have some mental armour and get my ducks all in a row to rule out as many complications as I can. I know I am still adamant that I want to move forwards with HRT to see how being free of testosterone makes me feel. I am not so sure that I am trying to decide if transitioning is wrong or right for me; I am trying to live my most honest and genuine life, that is so much more important for my children to understand than learning how conforming will help you to fly under the radar. To my thinking today it is more like I am dismantling the obstacles that make me afraid to move forwards, even if it feels like it is just a massive game of Jenga with my life... x