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I have been enjoying having my daughter up for the last 2 weeks. The time is flying by and she has to decide today if she is going to stay for 3 or 4 weeks before heading back down the road to her mums with her brother. It means I have had zero time in front of the computer without one or the other coming in to chat or ask for help with school work, with lockdown still in effect we have not really been or done anything other than a quick dip in the sea when we were out with the dogs the other day. I have had a helper for cooking, and someone to watch films with, and I have been encouraging her while she practices makeup effects (she made a rose on her arm using toilet paper, lipstick and pva glue and drew petals using green eyeshadow, for a 12yo and without watching any youtube tutorials I think it is fabulous. Of course the downside is that the only reason I can log in here and type this is because they think I am on a work call. I am unshaven and hairy and piling on the weight, which makes me eat more because I hate my body. I miss dressing and knowing my son will be heading down the road I recently splurged on some clothes from Shein which I hope will be in my size - I am daydreaming a little about scraping all the fuzz off and trying on my chunky girl clothes to relax around the house in for a couple of weeks. The problem is that I am emotionally finding it hard to know who I am - that clear vision of Dee is being replaced by fuzzy rose tinted - maybe I just like being feminine sometimes thoughts and doubts. I mean I have doubled the amount of people in the house calling me dad, and while part of me loves that my daughter can discuss the fact that she has just started her periods and that there is a boy in her class that she likes I also hate that I am deliberately slipping into old habits and "dad" routines because that is what she wants. Am I scared of pushing them away by embracing Dee, or am I scared of embracing Dee because it seems like pure fantasy to consider myself female at the moment? 😢👩‍👧👩‍👦👨‍👦👨‍👧💔💝