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Emily, I get exactly what you mean by on and off again. In my case, couldn't go back and forth girl to male almost immediately once I tasted the freedom and liberation of being true to myself and when I accepted that all the dominoes and barriers fell. Embrace yourself!

I have been enjoying having my daughter up for the last 2 weeks. The time is flying by and she has to decide today if she is going to stay for 3 or 4 weeks before heading back down the road to her mums with her brother. It means I have had zero time in front of the computer without one or the other coming in to chat or ask for help with school work, with lockdown still in effect we have not really been or done anything other than a quick dip in the sea when we were out with the dogs the other day. I have had a helper for cooking, and someone to watch films with, and I have been encouraging her while she practices makeup effects (she made a rose on her arm using toilet paper, lipstick and pva glue and drew petals using green eyeshadow, for a 12yo and without watching any youtube tutorials I think it is fabulous. Of course the downside is that the only reason I can log in here and type this is because they think I am on a work call. I am unshaven and hairy and piling on the weight, which makes me eat more because I hate my body. I miss dressing and knowing my son will be heading down the road I recently splurged on some clothes from Shein which I hope will be in my size - I am daydreaming a little about scraping all the fuzz off and trying on my chunky girl clothes to relax around the house in for a couple of weeks. The problem is that I am emotionally finding it hard to know who I am - that clear vision of Dee is being replaced by fuzzy rose tinted - maybe I just like being feminine sometimes thoughts and doubts. I mean I have doubled the amount of people in the house calling me dad, and while part of me loves that my daughter can discuss the fact that she has just started her periods and that there is a boy in her class that she likes I also hate that I am deliberately slipping into old habits and "dad" routines because that is what she wants. Am I scared of pushing them away by embracing Dee, or am I scared of embracing Dee because it seems like pure fantasy to consider myself female at the moment? 😢👩‍👧👩‍👦👨‍👦👨‍👧💔💝

Dee, Here's another wonderful excerpt from "Untamed": "I’ve spent much of my life lost in the woods of pain, relationships, religion, career, service, success, and failure. Looking back on those times, I can trace my lostness back to a decision to make something outside of myself my Touch Tree. An identity. A set of beliefs. An institution. Aspirational ideals. A job. Another person. A list of rules. Approval. An old version of myself. Now when I feel lost, I remember that I am not in the woods. I am my own tree. So I return to myself and re-inhabit myself. As I do, I feel my chin rise and my body straighten. I reach deeply into the rich soil beneath me, made up of every girl and woman I’ve ever been, every face I’ve loved, every love I’ve lost, every place I’ve been, every conversation I’ve had, every book I’ve read and song I’ve sung, everything, everything, crumbling and mixing and decomposing underneath. Nothing wasted. My entire past there, holding me up and feeding me now. All of this too low for anyone else to see, just there for me to draw from. Then up and up all the way to my branches, my imagination, too high for anyone else to see—reaching beyond, growing toward the light and warmth. Then the middle, the trunk, the only part of me entirely visible to the world. Pulpy and soft inside, just tough enough on the outside to protect and hold me. Exposed and safe."

Oh Dee, I'm sorry you're feeling so blue and confused. "Am I scared of pushing them away by embracing Dee, or am I scared of embracing Dee because it seems like pure fantasy to consider myself female at the moment?" Probably both, and more. You're really caught in the middle, aren't you? In between what you fear if you come out to family and all, and your inner truth. Oh, if were only that easy to really know what our inner truth is. As I wrote to Emily earlier today, determining where one is under the trans umbrella takes active experimentation. Without that it's all a mind game, over-thinking, trying to figure everything out in one's head. Truly, this is not only impossible it's also so depressing. Hence weight gain, perhaps on-edge emotionally, and alcohol. Sure, it would be a shock to your daughter once she knew what you're trying to deal with. Your son and ex-wife too, as well as others. The good news is that children—especially younger ones like your daughter—find it lots easier to grasp these kinds of situations. Sure, it might be a bit upsetting, but in the long run... well, who knows. I sure don't. May I suggest a book. You know me, always suggesting another book. This time it's by Glennon Doyle and it's titled "Untamed." I read it slowly, sometimes only a couple of pages each morning, underlining and dog-earring pages to identify so much that really connected with me. Here's a small excerpt: "I am a human being, meant to be in perpetual becoming. If I am living bravely, my entire life will become a million deaths and rebirths. My goal is not to remain the same but to live in such a way that each day, year, moment, relationship, conversation, and crisis is the material I use to become a truer, more beautiful version of myself. The goal is to surrender, constantly, who I just was in order to become who this neat moment calls me to be. I will not hold on to a single idea, opinion, identity, story, or relationship that keeps me from emerging new. I cannot hold too tightly to any riverbank. I must let go of the shore in order to travel deeper and see farther. Again and again and then again. Until the final death and rebirth. Right up until then." I could add many other quotes but you might as well buy the book. One of the themes of the book is that we must be true to ourselves regardless of others, and in that truth our loved ones will witness what it means to be authentic. Then, they can choose either to journey along with you, or perhaps not. Regardless, they are given the gift of learning something so important, a rule for them to live and love by, if they choose. Yes, your ex-wife may fire off all sorts of artillery at you, both directly and indirectly. But, are you going to cede your life and power to her or anyone else? You know that I know from experience that this transitioning is very frightening. Each step felt so monumental. Even all the little things. But as I took those steps the fear melted as I realized that not only was I fine but I was also joyful living more and more authentically. I guarantee that there will be lots of bumps in the road. That's life. Here's another couple of quotes: "Like Jesus, who walked straight toward his own crucifixion. First the pain, then the waiting, then the rising. All of our suffering comes when avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. That is what I can and must avoid: missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process. To trust that I'm strong enough to handle the pain that is necessary to the process of becoming. Because what scares me a hell of a lot more than pain is living my entire life and missing my becoming. What scares me more than feeling it all is missing it all. There is the me that is miserable and afraid, and there is the me that is curious and excited. That second me is not a masochist, she's wise. I know that when the pain and the waiting are here, the rising is on its way. I hope the pain will pass soon, but I'll wait it out because I've tested pain enough to try it." I underlined and bolded one sentence that speaks so clearly to me. We only have one life to live. This is it. Get the book, read it and take notes, and see if that helps you feel your inner power that I know is there.

Hi Emily, sounds like you’re making great progress. It’s so helpful to see (good) therapists. Of course they can’t provide you with the answers though, you have to work those out on your own. I may have recommended this before so please excuse me if this is old news: please read and work the exercises in Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery. You can purchase it on Amazon, Dara’s website, etc. I believe you can download a free PDF from Dara’s website. Both Dara and another gender therapist suggest that I try experimenting to determine what the best fit was for me. The first experiments are relatively easy, such as finding a local crossdressing group, attending their social events. See how it feels. (That’s the consistent way to judge the experiment.) If it feels good or right, keep doing it. If not... Try listening to your body to determine what doesn’t feel right. In my case, for example, although I enjoyed myself at their meetings, I felt I needed more, like to go out on my own as a woman. Slowly try new incremental experiments. Always listen to your body: how do you feel? (Fear is very normal, of course.) Maybe at some point you’ll feel like you’ve gone further than you want. That’s totally cool. Take a step back to a previous level and stay there for a while. Maybe that’s what you need. Maybe after living there for some time you’ll feel a need to go further (or back). You see, every trans person is different, just like every cisgender person. As a trans person it’s likely that you feel a pressure to “just know” what you need, right now. That’s not practical. Conducting your own research and experiments will help you achieve some calm because you’re actively working on figuring this stuff out.