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I have just finished my 3rd video meeting with the psychologist in Sandyford clinic. This is the part that most smaller Gender Identity Clinics in Scotlaand have no say over and there have been 3 months between each apppointment. I have dressed as myself the entire time, but oh how times have changed! The first meeting I remember having a chair against the door in case my son got back from school while I was on the call, this time he is off school isolating and sitting watching TV and I was already dressed as myself today because I know I am not leaving the house this afternoon. Today was the first time in months that I felt like wearing makeup too and although eye liner is still a nightmare I have discovered an eyeliner pencil is easier for me to use with my saggy eyelids than using the wee paintbrush to do it. I was actually quite pleased with how everything turned out too. I have even been able to do my nails because I do not have to pretend to be a man again until the weekend! The first meeting with her was quite rocky and seemed almost confrontational, she asked my story and then kept interrupting and seemed fixated on my ex. The next time I decided to treat her the same way I speak to my counsellor and just update her with my life and goals and see where she wants to go back to, but I thought long and hard about whether I was willing to change my transition timeline to suit someone else and decided no, she could go swivel as I know what is best for my circumstances and no one else. The relationship between us instantly improved. Today I could say that other than my work things have been progressing well. The psychologist said it was really nice to see me so happy and smiling, and I said it's because when I am not having to be in man mode for work I can now be myself 100% of the time. All my family know, 99% of my friends know, and some work colleagues whom I trust know. The circle is almost at that tipping point of becoming public, and the only thing I am waiting for is finding an opening so I can transfer to an area that will accept and allow me to be myself. Due to a big structural reshuffle I could end up stuck where I am for the next year if I cannot find somewhere soon, but I am not going to rush into applying for somewhere that will not fit my temperament just to get away and then end up creating more problems than I solve.. All of that aside she has said that she is happy to conclude my first assessment. She will write up a confirmed diagnosis of gender dysphoria and transexualism (I dislike the term, but it is what she used and probably needs to write in my medical notes). She will recommend that I can now start hormone replacement therapy and that my local GIC will be in touch as soon as they receive the notes she will put on my record. I am so excited I could not stop smiling! She went through the overview of mental and physical changes again and talked a little about masturbation and libido - how I find it now, and how I feel about the possibility of losing my libido and ability to have kids. She also tried to make me feel a bit better because I said that while I recognise my self esteem is very low from my ex partners treatment of me, my job is already a kiss of death in most conversations, and adding being trans to that complication means I have pretty much resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life. She switched out of gender mode to pure psychology mode and told me that there may be plenty of people who are attracted to my authentic self and that my confidence may increase as my transition goes along. Certainly for me GRS is still my end goal, but I know I can request breast augmentation surgery and be covered by this assessment. When I want downstairs surgery I will need a second assessment and possibly have to meet with a totally separate psychologist too, and that is when I will have had to be living authentically for a year before anyone signs off on it. I do not envisage that being an issue. I am just so excited! I cannot wait to get the phone call asking me to go to the GIC for my weight and bloods! Yay! 😁😁😁❤ As an aside I also asked if I needed anything from her for legal name changes, and she said that she had only been asked for a letter once the year that she has been working here, but she would happily provide one if asked. (I believe in Scotland the process is fairly simple and can be done via self declaration, but it is good to know I will not have issues if I do need something with a letterhead on it.) I am beaming from ear to ear and just want to tell everyone I know that I have been cleared for hormones now, plus I actually feel fairly pretty today! Things are finally moving forwards!!! X

Cause for celebration! I can feel your happiness and it instantly makes me happy. You're going to love who you are! And everyone else will, too! I know.😉

😳 😊 Thanks Jess, the official letter will arrive in the post, but I expect to get a phone call in the next week or so I'll have my consent form all filled out long before then though lol.

Today was my 2nd Sandyford appointment. Sandyford is the gender clinic that has to confirm a gender dysphoria diagnosis in order for me to be prescribed hormone treatment. This time the whole thing was far more relaxed and seemed a lot less confrontational. I wrote my in depth thoughts here: https://ironicissues.wordpress.com/2021/06/07/sandyford-2-this-time-its-personal/ if you want to know what we talked about, or even know my thoughts as I write most weeeks. Effectively though from her tone and her phrasing I think she has already made up her mind that I fit a gender dysphoria diagnosis and is simply making sure she has done her homework properly. I do think I looked nice in the camera as I was wearing my favourite sea green butterfly top, but it felt far more like a balanced conversation than an interrogation this time. I have been realising more and more that the time between me telling my social circle that I am trans and the time between living as Dee 100% of the time is likely to be short and only seems to be getting shorter as I am eager to just get on and do it! lol.

Well, I finally did it! Over lunch yesterday my mum asked about how my counselling was going, so I took a deep breath and told her that there was a lot of really big stuff that had come about, I'd realised that so much of my adult life had been spent trying to be what other people wanted me to be that I had no idea who I was.. and after a lot of searching I'd realised that I have never been comfortable as a man and the right word for me was transgender. I did not know if she would understand or not but I really needed to tell her. She had not said a word the whole time, but she looked at me and said that long before I was a teenager I had been running around in her high heels and that she had thought I was goiing to tell her I was gay. She assured me that she loved me and supported me and I burst into tears as we hugged. It really could not have gone better, I mentioned how long I had wanted to tell her and how worried I was about her side of the family, she assured me that she would walk away from them long before she would ever walk away from me. I am so pleased to finally get this out in the open and I am now more certain than ever that I am on the right path. Thanks everyone who commented and gave me the positivity to help make it through this. I am so excited for my future now!

It's been just over four years since I left my home in California and started exploring my transition: where was I under the trans umbrella? Over a couple of years I realized that I'm firmly on the far end of the spectrum. And while I was always pleased with my progress I still harbored a lot of baggage. I'm so glad to say that as of about six months ago that burden is relieved and my life has never been better. This morning I was contemplating: why was that baggage so hard to live with and deal with? I suspect it's a result of my parents trying to cure me through their own version of conversion therapy from when I was a toddler through my childhood. And that was compounded by what I gradually learned what to expect if I expressed my true wishes and dreams to others. Now, that's pretty much done and in the past. Thank goodness! Below's a selfie I took this week after getting a new haircut. I'm very happy with it!