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Showing content with the highest reputation since 07/31/2009 in Blog Entries

  1. Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences A journal documenting when you go full time A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery Dating experiences and tips Crossdressing tips Experience with makeup Passing in public Your experiences when you go out in public Restroom experiences Transitioning at work Dealing with counselors or medical personnel Introspection about your particular gender identity Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs Dealing with addictions Dealing with self-destructive behaviors Interactions with police or government workers Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc. Applying for jobs Your big day, when you go full time Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations) Experiences with electrolysis How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences Your recommendations to others about to follow your path Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity Poetry or prose These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
    40 points
  2. Not sure whether this is the right thing for me to do, to start a Blog. Firstly, I feel that my grasp of the english language is not really very good, and secondly, I tend to lose enthusiasm pretty quickly. I probably could also bore the pants of anyone who decides to read it! Well, If any of you have read my profile, I do reside in the UK. Those of you whom may not of noticed will see that I am of asian origin. In fact my parents are originally from Hong Kong. This is where I am for the next 16 days aswell. I've taken the oportunity to experiment with makeup which is easily available here, but not so readily available in the UK. In my thinking, I've decided to buy Japanese makeup here, as it should suit my asian skin better?? Well thats my excuse for just buying makeup here I guess. I'm really not enjoying myself as much as I should be. I came here with a sore throat, and I'm struggling with it. I've also found out the best way of dispersing people who maybe overcrowding you on the buses or underground. Just have a coughing fit, and watch everyone cover their mouths and walk away from you. They seem to think I have bird flu! Anyway.. enough of my ramblings! A shopping trip awaits me tomorrow morning! Goodnight xx
    10 points
  3. Just a hair over 2 months now, and i can not be happier as i feel at ease and calm mind, as for physical changes approx 3 weeks in breast buds had appeared along with sore and tenderness now a almost full A cup with tender nipples and some lactation , i have had slowed hair growth of facial hair, and mild size reduction of the testicals etc.. so far everything is peachy just watch out for doors they kinda hurt when you bump them with your chest
    9 points
  4. So, I asked a friend (cis-woman) if we could do lunch on Saturday - just said for now there was something I wanted to talk about. I plan to "come out" to her as transgender. It feels a little anti-climactic, after all she already knows I cross-dress and not for fetish reasons. But, outside of my therapist she will be the first person to whom (yes, i'm trying to keep "whom" alive!) I will have self-identified as trans. To me I think the big thing, besides actually saying it out loud, is thinking about how to explain what it means in my life. She won't be judgmental at all, she's awesome and totally supportive of pretty much everything, but it is a conversation and I'm sure she'll ask follow-up questions. Luckily i'm off work tomorrow, so I have time to think On another front, I fully merged my wardrobe tonight - I no longer own "mens" clothes and "womens" clothes, I just own "my" clothes. Hope all of the Christians out there have a lovely Good Friday, and happy Passover to all Jewish members! And a belated Blessed Ostara to any other Wiccans in the room!
    9 points
  5. While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person. Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt. Am I really a girl deep inside? Am I just having a gender identifying crises? Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation? Or am I just going crazy? Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick.. And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl? Reason why I don't think I'm a girl: 1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender. 2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih. 3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.) 4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while. 5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish". Reason I am a girl: 1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me. 2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly. 3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?) 4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing 6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls. 7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl. 8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy. 9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls. AND THIS IS WHY I AM CONFUSED. I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family.. It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy. It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting.. But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream.. I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl. But yet I have these thoughts of remorse. And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****.. But Yet they keep coming up.. I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy? I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead. I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender. I was born a boy, so I must be a boy? Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me. Have a great day
    8 points
  6. There has been an argument in the Lesbian community for decades about whether transwomen are the same as cisgender (born female) women. The argument goes, "the transwoman has not suffered GROWING UP in a misogynist (woman hating) society." My answer is that it takes courage to transition from a man with male privilege to a woman in a misogynist society. So, BOTH are to be commended. In both the cisgender woman and the transwoman, I sense the female energy, that they BOTH had from birth suffered, but in different ways. They are both women, and as such, they should give each other support as women. A corollary to this would be a person with epilepsy and another person who is a paraplegic in a wheelchair, very different disabilities, one may have been born disabled and another became disabled as an adult, are also both disabled and should give one another support rather than nit-picking who is more disabled, or even if one is disabled at all. The upshot is that we are part of the human family and we should celebrate our differences rather than let them drive us apart!
    8 points
  7. One of my goals as mentioned in prior post and blog entries is to share my journey which hopefully contains decent information for others travelling down the same path. Thought it would be great to attend local group sessions to share my journey too but have not as most groups in the area are 30 to 50 miles away and are on week nights so that does not cut it for my schedule. Today I get an email from my therapist writing to ask if I would sit down with one of her clients who lives in my area living full time as a female. Seems she is at a loss for people to talk to and thought I would be perfect for talking to her as she is in a state which would be helpful for someone like me to talk with, listen and give advice too.
    8 points
  8. I have always been skinny. Rail thin. When I was growing up in a small hockey town in Canada I felt incomperably small next to the other guys. I used to wear baggy clothes and hoodies just to make myself look bigger in the hopes that anyone who thought I'd be an easy target for bullying would think twice about it - and that usually worked. I've also always been tall. When I was 12 years old I had my growth spurt which left me 6 feet tall and head and shoulders above all my friends and classmates. I didn't gain any weight at the time and after a number of fainting spells my doctors told me to stay off my feet for a while - my heart simply couldn't take what was going on. When I was in highschool I can still remember how much I weighed because any time I weighed myself I would come up with the same number. 156 lbs. After I first moved out I was in a content relationship and wasn't taking care of myself very well through film school. Over a few years eventually my girlfriend started teasing me about my "belly" which I was surprisingly self concious about! Even though secretly I did like the fact that it was fairly well distributed and even gave me a bit of curve, when I finally weighed myself I was up at 190 lbs. After we seperated my weight was a big point of self-consciousness for me - which, in hindsight, was really the least of my problems. So I started biking daily, I gave up soda and tried to start eating better. At the point where I was feeling the most confident of course was when the rest of my problems took hold and before long I was living the drugs and party lifestyle. When I finally had to look in the mirror I was not much more than skin and bones. This was also around the time I decided to transition. Conveniently I was so skinny that any clothes that I wore did most of the work in making me passable as a woman - my face has always been on the feminine side anyways. (one of my girlfriends jokes that in past pictures of me it looks like I'm a lesbian wearing a fake beard, LOL) Needless to say that I was enjoying the attention I was getting from men around that time. A friend of mine put on a Mental Asylum themed burlesque show and asked me to perform for it. I through a number of costume changes I was asked to come home with one guy before he realized I was a drag queen (- on three seperate occasions!). I continued to rollerblade almost 10 km daily to keep myself so skinny. I was down to 140 pounds. However - these days, 2 years into horomone therapy I'm getting frustrated by the polarized opinions. In particular one ex-partner who insisted I put on some weight so that my body would be more feminine. Xe insisted that if I put on 10 lbs it would go to all the right places and I would feel more confident. At that time however, I had found that being so so skinny was becoming difficult working on a movie set. I simply didn't have the strength to do the long hours and heavy lifting. I added a bit more meat to my diet and now I am at... 156 lbs. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this decision. Back when I first started my transition I even said to myself, "If I want to be a passable woman I am going to have to be a bigger woman." - I am incredibly lean for the amount of muscle on me, but still much too broad for a woman so skinny. But at the same time allowing myself to be feminine has been the first time I've ever felt comfortable, even good, being so thin! Especially knowing inside that I am able to "keep up with the boys" on set. My work mates tease me about how skinny I am but these days it doesn't bother me. If I squeeze through a tight space they'll tell me to have another donut or they'll say I "need the extra piece of dessert"when we are going through the lunch line. Other people joke that, "that's going to go strait to your hips!" with a friendly laugh - I usually reply, "I could use some more weight there!" My endocrynologist mentioned at my last appointment that he was "expecting more development at this stage" and added that, "there might be more if I was someone with more body fat," adding as well, "but you do have that 'athletic woman' look that we talked about". I want to be more comfortable in my own skin. But knowing that every woman on the planet picks and pines over their bodies makes me feel a little more at ease. When I was dating women I prefered bigger girls. Is that why I don't feel comfortable as an althetic woman? Then why won't I let myself be a bigger one? My ex-partner tells me I shoulg give it a go to see what happens and that the results are reversable. He's right. My endo also tells me my metabolism is "through the roof". I imagine it will be for at least a few more years still, being in my mid-late 20s. TL;DR - Does anyone have experience with adding weight this late into a transition? I think my main fear is that it's going to go to all the wrong places - which is silly considering that even before hormones it made me more curvy. Maybe it just feels weird that I'm self concious about how skinny I am and I feel like I should just relax? Maybe - just like before - there's more to it than that and I'm fixated on the wrong things. Maybe that scares me the most x) This felt good to get off my chest though. I'll leave you now with pictures for comparison. Here's me as I am now - and me at my heaviest.
    8 points
  9. Friday I was fitted for my first bra. I really can't believe I did it. I went into the store and sheepishly asked to be fitted for a bra. All the ladies in the store were also wonderful. I did get fitted(I am a 44B) . Then they helped me find several bras to try on, When I tried the first one on, and put my top back on, I almost cries as looked in the mirror , I had a chest (thanks to my mam-boobs) a small one but a chest non the less. I did buy a bra and wore in out of the store, I felt so wonderfully feminine as I walked out of the store. The picture is me, all me. :)
    8 points
  10. I attended my first therapist-led support group last night. In short, it was a very good experience for me and I'm grateful to have found it and their warm welcomes. There were six of us in all, including the therapist and myself. Three are transitioned transwomen and the fourth is taking hormones, thinks she would like to transition but isn't sure. Three are married and one's wife passed away some years ago. All are well known to each other; some have attended this meeting for more than a decade! We went around the room introducing ourselves with me allowed to wait until last. They described their journeys, home situation, children/family, and a summary of their transition - especially as it related to acceptance and feedback they received at work. I appreciated their openness and heartfelt support and although all are either transexual or in transition no one challenged my telling them that I may be remain at the crossdresser end of the transgender umbrella. My main take-aways: If one wishes to remain happy and married to their significant other we need to recognize that they are going through their own unasked-for transition. Be sensitive to that, don't push or pressure, communicate and allow her to come to terms with the "new you." It's all too easy to be self-centered especially as we're experiencing and enjoying our new freedoms. Try to keep that in check or at least be sensitive to your wife's needs. The therapist provided her metaphor for the transgender journey: a train chugging along the track, unaware of its final destination or distance to travel. We may get off at early or intermediate stations and stay there or get back on the train and continue. I expressed some of my reluctance and ambivalence to ride the train and was advised that I need to swim with the fish to uncover where I'm meant to reside under the umbrella. (Sorry for the incredibly mixed metaphor!) After the meeting we went to a local restaurant that they always go to - which happens to be one that my wife and I have also gone to often enough in the past that, you got it, the manager recognized me with the group. Full smile as always, warm greeting, and as a bonus, a little extra pour of the cabernet. This morning it occurs to me that the only regret I have for the meeting is that I'm joining a group and making friends that will likely never include my wife. Still, it was good times and I'm looking forward to the next meeting in early February.
    8 points
  11. I am struggling to wrap the text around the image so I just punted it below. Here we have an obligatory bathroom selfie to prove that I know how to get dressed, even in a car by the side of the road, and a picture of me just about to enjoy the first ever Oatmilk Latte as DeeDee. I look a state because I was in one, masks and glasses and moving from cold air into warm and wigs and trying to say words I have never spoken in my higher voice.... just...breathe! The Barista put my name on the cup as "Eden" but while it was the wrong name it was the right gender. Iyt may seem small or inconsequential but one of my long, long term dreams has been to go out and simply enjoy a cup of coffee asDeeDee. I have been daydreaming about it for literally years, and today I made it a reality! It has taken me so long to get to the stage where I was not too embarrassed or self conscious to make small talk with the staff, I never imagined myself having to wear a mask, but I think I picked one that signalled my preferred gender pretty clearly. Today is the first time I have had multiple conversations with different people and they have either not "clocked" me or not cared enough to give me a second look. That my counsellor was just so complimentary about everything from my hair and face to my taste in clothes and the way I walk and carry myself (and she complimented my voice!) just helped to give me such a big boost. I literally "EEEEK'ed" in the car afterwards. ❤️ She was also very content to add a letter and send it back to the Gender team stating that I have clearly had long term dysphoria and would benefit moving forwards to HRT, how that works in Covidworld she does not know, but it is exciting!
    7 points
  12. I've been wrestling with myself about posting this today. I don't think I'm one to blow my own horn (much) but yesterday I accomplished something I've been working toward for the last few weeks. I rode my bicycle over 100 miles, from Redwood City to Cupertino, back and forth, and finally returning home almost 8 hours later. Total riding time was just over 7 hours and the difference is due to stop lights and a couple of times when I stopped to open up my little pouch to munch on a piece of Clif Bar. The last two Saturdays I've tried to reach 100, but each time just could not go farther than about 75 miles. It was like I hit a wall and if I went further I was afraid I might just pass out. I do carry four bottles of water (mixed with electrolytes) and a couple of Shot Blok packages, but I got nauseous and had to head home. Yesterday as I passed 75 miles I was definitely moving slower. I started arguing with myself: go ahead and head home, at least I'd be more than 90 miles this time! But it finally came to me, to achieve more than 90% and then give up for the last 10%? No way. And, truth be told, I don't want to do this every weekend. Too many hours. I have other things to do too, and now, next weekend, I can take a "short 50 mile" ride and feel okay about it! Why do I write about it here? I don't often consider myself as having much grit and determination. I am intimidated all the time by stuff that others just don't understand. Stupid things like trying to diagnose why my wife's computer is no longer receiving emails into her business account. Now, I know how to do this sort of thing. But I feel an anxiousness when I don't know how it will end up and can't control the outcome. So maybe that's where I'm coming from. I certainly didn't know how it would all play out when I told my wife I am transgender two years ago. At first she was devastated, assuming that our marriage was over, that the one she loved so much had betrayed her trust, and that I was destined to transition. God, that was scary and emotionally wrenching. It took a lot of work in and out of therapy, more confessions from me, and finally starting to take an SSRI that seems to be really working, for once. All my life I've had emotional issues, and have spent countless hours with a variety of therapists for the last 35 years. I kept expecting that he/she/me would discover the "one thing" that was going on for me, we'd address it, and... problem solved! It sure didn't turn out that way. Part of my problem was that I was unable to disclose my transgender feelings to them or myself. But even when I started to do so with my present therapist, three years ago, the improvement in my well-being has been so subtle and gradual, at times unnoticeable. But as I contemplate how things are going these days it's undeniable that I have made progress. I don't know what "done" is, nor do I expect it. I still have my anxieties. I did yesterday morning as I considered getting up and, once again, trying to make it to 100 miles. But I did it! You can too. Love and hugs, Emma
    7 points
  13. When to my best friend's today, we went to the mall for coffee and shopping. Didn't get to far, we are walking thru Macy's and she says, I want to get my upper lip done. So while standing there are sale's person asked if I wanted to have her do a make-up session. I thought, what the heck so I said yes. I told her that I am not much for makeup but would consider her doing it but was very interested in my eye area. As she is going through each step I am being told what she is doing and after doing one eye shows me compared to the undone eye. Since it was day time my eye's were done for day time. Next she did my face and contoured my eye brows. You really can't see the great job performed on me, it's not loud, instead it bends in nicely. How much did I spend EEK, $140 for makeup and better brushes. Next morning update: One attempt at doing my eye's, got it the first time!!! Also added a picture of the various products and note that the products are only for my eye's, five products with instructions on paper underneath. Did not include the brushes. One of the most important things is the "DONT STRAY" which is foundation. Yesterday the woman put eye makeup on her arm then another spot with foundation followed by eye makeup (top right) an sprayed both with water. One ran while the other did not. The mascara is to dye for. All the colors I purchased are perfect for my complexion.
    7 points
  14. As I mentioned in my last posting, I had a consultation in Philadelphia on Monday about bottom surgery - it went very well, I liked the surgeon a lot and liked the work that she showed me. So I'm scheduled for December 27 :-) I had anticipated waiting until spring because of school, but classes finish in the fall on December 23, and there's over a month before spring classes, so this worked out, and financially it's VERY helpful as it lets me get this under my current insurance, and in the same year as top surgery so that I have only 1 deductible to worry about. I had a "gut check" moment while waiting for the surgeon - this time my gut's response was "leave me alone! this is good!" - so apparently my gut is getting a little annoyed at me checking-in too much. I drove down (hate driving, but it seemed easier), and the drive back was awesome - nothing about the drive itself, just knowing that I'm getting this done, that it's scheduled and before we start 2017 I will be just about as much of a woman as I can be :-) (physically at least) Now I get to have the conversation with my brother in which I tell him :-) That should be fine, we've already spoken about me being trans and he's totally supportive, just awkward having any medical discussions with him.
    7 points
  15. So yeah there's been some interesting things going on. Once i really accepted my true self i decided that i would try to start acting, in small doses, as my true gender. I started by joking around at work telling everyone to call me Tina which was quite funny. Im quite loud usually and very energetic so everyone just laughed it off. Thats not the big happeningbs though. I've always been pretty sensitive, very intuitive with my femine side which is one thing that attracted my girlfriend. Lately as i said i've been acting a bit more feminine, i'm not sure if my girlfriends picked up on this but my favourite of her comments was, 'i wouldnt be surprised if one day when you're 50 you told me you wanted to be a woman' to which she added 'and i would accept that and stay withyou'. This is of course in 26 years and i dont see myself waiting that long. I suppose that would have been a good time to tell her but we've got a big presentation next week for uni so dont want to distract from that. I wonder if she would be as accepting of me if i told her now. I guess thats my biggest worry, acceptance. Most of my friends and family i think will be cool. So yeah just keeping up to date with everyone p.s. I got some excellent flowery bedsheets :D
    7 points
  16. Today is day one in the 2nd step of my journey , I have offically started HRT as of 11:39 am eastern time . and this woman could not be happier right now as this is a long awaited step i wanted a waited for so many years , in disbelief i keep check to see that i really do have a transdermal patch on . I am a bit shakey and flushed but with excitement , soon other stuff will follow but for now one day at a time as i drive along this path of fulfillment in becoming the woman i have always been , love and hugs
    7 points
  17. I'd always wanted a pair of nice boobs for as long as I could remember, I used to imagine what it'd be like to have boobs, what it'd feel like with my nipples placed out much further from my ribs than they used to be. Then when I came out as transvestite, dressing part-time, I used to long to be more feminine, and that really started me off with hormones, way before any sane person would have advised anybody to, so yes I self medded. I wanted as much feminisation as possible, to enable me to "pass" and act as a female, so that I could convincingly wear tight skirts, leggings, make-up, tight tops, and wait a minute isn't this sounding what a man's idea of what a woman is? It was mine. Point is that I knew that HRT would feminise me, that I'd grow boobs if I was lucky, that I'd loose upper body strength (I didn't realise just how much I'd lose though!), my facial features would soften, and that weight re-distribution would happen. This has happened, and over the last 14 months or so my tastes in female clothing have also changed, they started to become much more what a real woman would wear, same is true for make-up too. It's gradually started to dawn on me after all this time, that I'm becoming a woman, not just a more feminine version of the previous me, as I had previously been thinking of. HRT for trans women is not just about Hormone Replacement Therapy, I'd been taking oestrogen for 18 months or so before I became a patient of Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic, and during that time I had developed as a more feminine male - the more feminine version of the previous me. HRT for trans women is as much about Hormone Removal Therapy, taking away testosterone has in my opinion, been responsible for my becoming a woman - not sure if there's still a way to go yet, I can only hope so. So it was a bit of a revelation to realise that I'm becoming a woman, but one that I wouldn't want to miss for the world. Maybe those in our community who have known from birth that they were born in the wrong body may already know that they are a woman, but there are many like me who did not posess those feelings or have that knowledge. So to those who are treading, or contemplating treading a similar HRT path, beware that you'll become a woman not just a feminine version of yourself. Cheers, Eve
    7 points
  18. Frienship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together. ~Woodrow T. Wilson As a transgender girl the need for friends in simular situations grows. The need to identify the right people early on should not be underestimated. People are an integral paet of our world and a great resource for support and guidance. A long standing online friend of mine pointed me in the direction of a girl who run a local support group in my area. This is something that I have felt a growing need for since I started hormones. I contacted her and she agreed to add me to the group and envited me to the next meeting. Another girl approached me from the group and we started chatting. We decided to meet before hand to get to know each other. As circumstance determined we had to meet in boy mode. It's probably my least favourite thing to meet other girls in boymode but I went through with it and we had a long emotional eavening together. My wife dropped in for a bit to meet het too and we both agreed that we liked her. I hope I made a better friend than my last attempt who turned out to be a druggy and blackmailer. Tonight I meet the rest of the girls.
    7 points
  19. I got busy doing something here at home and completely forgot to post a blog >.< Forgive me! You know I love you all and would never forget you! Just the blog...... So it was a while ago, and I dont remember if I showed you all, but here goes nothing. I finally got my letter Now, I'm still working on getting a simular letter form my ex-therapist, Joan. Along with a copy of my file. But she's been increasingly stubborn on the subject and they still have not sent one, even after me paying to print out a release form, sign it, and drive it over to them. BUT, on another hand, I have something for the Gender Therapist and Surgeons. Next time they want to throw the "you have to go on hormones" thing in my face, I'll have back up. "Do I need to be on testosterone in order to have top surgery?" "Top surgery does NOT require Hormones. Many of the patients over the years have not been on hormones and never plan on taking hormones. A male contour can still be achieved" So, HA! TAKE THAT YOU BULLSHITTER!! Cant pull the wool over MY eyes! Oh yeah, and here's weezie lol shes feeling much better! Your bud, Warren
    7 points
  20. Good afternoon everyone! I mentioned in a post last week that I had started using Christie at work, in addition to everywhere else in my life. This week, with the approval of the Dean and Associate Dean, I asked our IT Dept. to change my email address, which they did without question and quite quickly (within an hour of my request - and they NEVER do anything that fast). An email is being put together to send to the students I work directly with, and then another for the full school which won't mention me directly. But all of them are becoming rapidly moot as people see my name on the email address - a number of students have already started calling me Christie in email to me. I was getting a little anxious and hoping that they would finalize the emails quickly, but now I'm just accepting that word is spreading anyway, so the email can go when it goes. More important though is an email I rec'd from an outsider who was directed to me by one of our faculty members - I could see in the earlier emails between them that our faculty member referred to me as "she," and so when that person wrote to me I realized she is the first person to communicate with me who never knew me other than as Christie xoxo Christie
    7 points
  21. Silly it seems. Especially since visiting this site and reading everyone's wonderful stories, that I would ever feel lonely or alone. I have such a huge support network around me of friends, girlfriends, family and co-workers and yet lately I have begun to feel that isolation again. It's pretty easy to stave off these days. Between lunches and shopping and coffee with girlfriends or dancing whenever I get the chance or just being randomly oggled or hit on in the streets - gender dysphoria no longer has its claws in me. Still, 23 months in and I didn't have another transgender person to call a friend outside the world wide web. I was starting to beat myself up pretty bad about that. I had heard mixed things about support groups and I was even beginning to think that, if I had made it this far without one support groups were probably not for me. But I was wrong, so very, very wrong x) My psychologist recently started doing her own support groups with her own clients. I told her I would attend the first meeting and then... well... at the last moment I got socially anxious and I... didn't. But when the chance rolled around again this time (the first Sunday of every month) I was determined to go. Like jumping into the deep end I just held my breath from my fears and I did it. I went. Oh my God. I'm not alone. Not only did everyone share similar stories of their journeys but for the first time I felt like my input was valuable! I had no problem speaking up and adding my two cents. Something that usually doesn't happen unless I have incredibly deep knowledge in a subject (like at work). Although, I guess - this being my life - I do have a pretty deep knowledge with it. I was still terrified at first, something I tried over the course of the few hours to overcome, and I think I did so successfully. By the end of the session I had been invited for drinks and had been chatted up by many of the others. But something was different throughout the experience... unlike any other social interaction I usually have in groups or with new people this never once felt threatening. Even getting over my fears felt worthwhile instead of potentially dangerous. That is a feeling that I want to carry on with me from now on The most incredible part of the whole experience was probably the thing that I feared the most actually coming true. I was always afraid that I would run into someone from my past who knew me before... and I did. Yet, it was nothing as I had expected. At 23 months of HRT I was the most "experienced" (using that loosely) of the folk there. Most everyone else was just starting hormones or were just starting to experience changes. I was the only one (so far!) to be fully out and living life this way without compromise. I can't wait to watch all of them change :3 With the person that I ran into... she was just starting... and going through what I remember to be the hardest phases of coming to grips with the whole experience. As she went to leave I had to pause a good conversation I was having with one of the women to go and say hello, thinking maybe she hadn't recognized me. She simply grabbed me in one of the most loving hugs I have had in my life and told me, "oh my God... This all makes so much sense, I had no idea...". We held in that embrace for what felt like forever and it felt so, so right. We went out for dinner following the meeting (I later brought her to my dance class. I'm so proud of her!) and she gave me her whole story. I felt so strongly connected to her that at points I cried during her story. Somehow... I think I always knew that we were connected on a deep level... even before either of us could have ever seen this day coming. That was last weekend. Since then I have had a few of the folks over to my place to play games and watch movies and today I met up with another wonderful person to take a spontaneous dance class in a discipline that neither of us had even heard of before x) Tomorrow we are going for a run around the seawall (although... I'll have my roller blades on) and then later I will meet up with my old friend to go and have a new experience yet again. It's been like a whirlwind, and all because I finally conquered my fear of others like me. I'm sure this won't be the end of all my troubles but right at this second I feel like I am floating in the clouds. I have never felt so accepted, conversation has never come so easy and no challenge seems to big. I am sure that my cisgender girlfriends accept me just as much (in fact, I know they do) but y'know... they've had a different experience out of life and this is just a whole new kind of friendship. Now is just the trouble to make sure I don't throw my whole life away in exchange for these new experiences xD Focus Mikah. Priorities! Balance! I feel so blessed to be living here in Vancouver where this is... well, a lot easier than it could be in a lot of places. I also feel incredibly strong for making it this far on my own and so relieved that now I don't have to carry the weight on my own. Finally! I'll conclude with just a picture of me after getting made over by some of my wonderful cisgender girlfriends while shooting a promo video for them. A snapshot - me at 23 months :)
    7 points
  22. Because of discussions on how Trans and the general LGBTI community gets treated in by medical staff, police, well government employees, hasn't made me think of this all that much. Because I've always been treated with a certain level of respect and dignity, which I always needed to earn or demand. I'm also a government employee as you all know, so this shocked me when my group had to deal with a M2F that didn't pass. This poor teenaged girl was treated absurdly and persecuted even more so although she was arrested for drugs. The law clearly states that the police arrest and the courts decide if anyone is guilty of the offense on all the evidence produced. Okay, I only stepped in afterwards when I was told. By that time it was a joke to all the cis gendered persons outside by the holding cells. Because of safety, I had to ask a few no no questions, but I made it clear I'm also Trans and was only asking those questions too ensure her safety. I was also sick that night, but made certain before going she was safe. For some time the question on how LGBTI persons are supposed to be treated and handled when detained came up. Lucky for me the next day I had a group session where I raised the question. Because of the mixed answers, they all made it clear on what I needed to do... I subsequently wrote a proposal letter to avail myself as the face for all things LGBTI in the police. And to teach the members through seminars what the correct way would be to deal with a person from the LGBTI community. The only thing left for me to do is create a questionnaire (would most probably only be used on persons that definitely doesn't pass and those of us that are pre-ops. As those are the persons that will be effected the most when arrested. Those that pass and are post-ops will most likely not even disclose. Unfair, but the harsh reality of life and how easily we blend into cis normativity will count in our favor. I truly hoped it would be different, but we also have bigotry between some that pass and others that don't. I'll be attempting to bring all to an equal playing field, but until this happens we are all part of an unjust society. Much love to the few fighting for all our rights till everyone is equal.
    7 points
  23. I've been struggling to think of something to write about, being Eve seems so normal to me now, I'm even starting to forget who Steve was and how he thought........... I no longer feel so exposed at supermarkets or anywhere else for that matter, I am truly amazed at this, I never in my wildest dreams thought that any of this was ever going to be remotely possible. I had my second decapeptyl injection yesterday evening, and I can already feel the difference it makes, or is it the galss of Australian Chardonnay ? I know that oestrogen and testosterone blockers help a hell of a lot, but they alone are not enough to make you believable to the rest of the population. Anyway I had to go into the office today, and by chance I met the Head of HR (who is my managers boss), I think that I've always gotten along pretty well with her, but she didn't recognise me at first, when she realised who I was, we had a long chat, and she complimented me on my dress sense and hair etc, and we talked about Trans issues in general. After a while she said that I was totally convincing as a female, well I'm not so sure I replied, but my self confidence has grown a lot in the past 3 months, but I guess that the real issue is that I'm really getting used to myself, being me as I really am and not pretending to be male, or thinking I was pretending to be female. So I have a message to you all, believe in yourself, be who you really are. If you don't do this, you will soon be seen as false, or to state it in a way that most Trans people will recognise, you will be read or you won't pass!, so heed my message! Have a great Easter everyone....... Eve x
    7 points
  24. Good morning everyone, I've many times heard the suggestion about doing a random act of kindness for a stranger and this morning I learned from the recipient end what a wonderful suggestion it really is! I was on the PATH train coming in to work (I had amazingly gotten a seat!) and I was reading "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism." A few minutes in, the woman sitting next to me handed me a note, it read: "I saw title of your book. I think your courage to be who you want to be is amazing!!" I don't think I need to add anything to the story, needless to say my mood just soared. I thanked her (right then and then again as we were getting off the train), but it felt in sufficient. XOXO Christie (as a side note - I haven't experienced this particular opinion on this website at all, but this seems like an appropriate moment to again challenge the notion of New Yorkers being nasty - we're not, and we are even capable of incredible sweetness, even to strangers!)
    7 points
  25. This is going to sound strange and perhaps obscured too many yet I have to question the validity of the real world and what is beyond or parallel to the known world. Although I infrequently visited my sister while alive when we did there was this connection between us, same when we talked on the phone coast to coast. When I had not seen her because we lived on different coast I did not think about her but when I visited her and her husband in 2004 not seeing her for ten years it was fantastic yet I let things slip again until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2013. I only called her twice after that and was told by my mother after she passed that she was upset with me for not calling her more. Of course I felt emotional and wished I had called her more. Yesterday it really hit me that she was gone and I, Karen was born. I was essentially conceived in 2013 as this was when I affirmed my decision to become Karen and leave Kevin behind. Is it a coincident that Karen was conceived when my sister passed? Yesterday when my mind conjured this up I could not stop thinking of the things that transpired then. For me I have experienced and witness things in my past that make me pause and contemplate "what if" there is something else besides this physical life which comes from a person who without witnessing things in my past that defy laws that govern our physical known world could exists? I wrestled with this all day yesterday and has seeped into today and think it will haunt me as there is no way I can come to terms with a reasoning behind this special and unexplainable connection between my sister and me. Did my sister have to pass for Karen to emerge or is it something my mind conjured up to make sense of the loss of my sister. I think a therapist could rationalize these thoughts with a plausible response but I think that my mind will still go back to my current reasoning&rsquo;s which as mentioned before defies all known logic. Guess I will have to accept that this cannot be answered and live life in her honor. Right now I am flooded with emotions.
    7 points
  26. I've been wanting to do this for my own purposes anyway, but since I have a blog now I should use it! In exploring my gender I've thought a lot about the past and anything that might have been an indicator of what I really was (am!). The earliest item is my very first best friend (only friend for awhile) - Missy (totally ironic that I now use that name for my drag name). I'm not even sure when we became friends, we were both younger than 5 years old though. She lived down the street from me, so to some extent it was convenience, we were the only people close to each other in age - she had a brother and sister who were both substantially older, I have a brother and sister who are older, but they lined up with other kids in the area who were around their age. Convenience wasn't everything though, we were very close and stayed close friends well into elementary school, even after both of us had met other people and could "travel" to play if we wanted. Our usual play routine involved things that I think would be typically seen as "girls" - basically "playing house" with various Fisher Price toys. I had a G.I. Joe, but it wasn't my choice, I would have preferred a Barbie (she had much better accessories!), and in my hands Joe didn't do the things that he would normally have done (he never went to war). Sadly we did drift apart - it was around the age when it was "wrong" to have friends of the other sex/gender (girls had cooties after all). I didn't have any close female friends through the rest of elementary school or high school - but I was friendly with more girls than boys (in hindsight I can see that they no doubt saw me as non-threatening, so it was easier to get closer). These weren't good years (for multiple reasons that probably had nothing to do with gender). After that I started having more female friends, and a wife. We ostensibly divorced when I came out as gay, but I can see things from the time of being married that suggested otherwise. One fairly substantial thing is that when it came to decorating the more "female" touches were generally my suggestion! I like pink, I like it anywhere that it looks good, which is pretty much anywhere (for example, I was very excited when I found that I could make this all pink! Hopefully it doesn't make it hard to read). To put an even finer point on it, we didn't paint our living room pink, we painted it "dusty rose." My choice. I'm sure I tried to keep some check on it, but not with complete success. Later on I would ascribe that to being gay, but now... Since then I've pretty much always had at least one very close female friend. Again I would have typically said that it was because I'm gay - but I honestly don't know many of my gay friends who routinely have female friends, they tend to stay more to themselves (I'm also not denying the possibility that both sexuality and gender play a role in this). I'll save the more recent indicators for later xoxo Christie
    7 points
  27. Hey guys, what's up? My name is ARTistiColor but you can call me Art. So basically before I talk about anything crazy I just want to tell you why I named my blog 'My Mask' incase you are wondering why. I basically named it 'My Mask' is because even though I am talking freely about how I am transsexual, I am just a person hiding my true self behind my 'mask'. I have not come out to my family because I am scared of losing everyone I ever loved, having a deep dark hole that can not be filled ever again in my heart. But I guess that's everyone's fear, to feel alone and unwanted. So in this blog I will be talking about my experiences as a pre FTM, my goals, my views on things and transgender news! I found out I was transgender only a couple of months ago so I am still learning. One thing that really bothers me is that I haven't found a name that really pops out. I read that transgenders look in front of the mirror and say possible name choices and that they know when they found the right name for them. None of the names I listed really pop out at me. But don't worry! I won't give up! I have been thinking of calling myself Ash or Archer. I think their both really good names, but I don't know for sure if I want that to stick with me for the rest of my life... Anyways thanks for reading, hope you have a great day, and stay colorful! -Art
    7 points
  28. I have been using them for the past year. mostly public restrooms such as malls, restaurants and the likes. What is was surprised about was hearing women siting in the stall next too me and would say that 95% of them use the paper on the toilet to protect themselves while on contrast I would say it's almost the reverse for the men's restroom. Not that I am sitting there listening for that but for whatever reason this is the case. Anyways I always when available use the paper cover as one never knows who or what resided on the seat before me. Even I noticed I missed a few drops once or twice unlike (and this is a very distant memory) shaking the you know what at the urinal. So that got me think about a video on the web, a plastic device so women can stand and pee, they had a handful try it out and I think they were not impressed, neither would I be either. Now in the restrooms in my company there are these containers hanging in each stall which I have been using to hang my purse on for months now. Finally was curious enough to open the lid, yes, that was a bad idea and will leave it at that. Overall I am finding the women's restroom much cleaner than the men's restrooms but there have been a few times when I went into a stall and backed out as fast as my feet would move. One final note, in the ladies restroom in my area someone leaves three bottles of hand lotion, strawberry, lavender and vanilla. Two bottles are taped together, not sure why but love the idea of the lotions there.
    7 points
  29. Every twelve months I am required to check in to my doctor for blood work in regards to me continuing on estradiol and spironolactone (anti-androgen). She indicated that there is no need to continue taking spironolactone since this is for blocking testosterone which I don’t have anymore. Had a discussion on dilation, she transitioned 20 years ago so once a day for her. She sits in a warm bath tub and uses baby shampoo for liberation, think I will need to try this for the middle dilation of the day. Also talked about breast implants which I told her I have an appointment with a surgeon in several days. She asked, do you spray when urinating? I did for about three weeks and now everything comes out as it should. On a side note I am very happy about this as it felt strange peeing and having pee on my legs. Now here is something I found interesting, she believes that transitioning is one of the most difficult paths a human take embark on. As we know many want to but do not because of monetary issues or physiological issues. Then there are some who manage to have GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) but in one way or another end up a failure which in some cases leads to death. I am fortunate to have many people help me along the way and it help that I had the mindset and the motivation to take the right path on my journey of life. Thinking of "difficult path", I think nobody can deny that at one time or another we entertain our worst nightmares. I will be the first to admit to this were I would go to bed with horrible thoughts that I would never become the female on the outside that needed to happen. I can not even imagine some peoples nightmares were getting to the point they need to be will never happen, not the right support, lacking in funds and no real support from family, friends and co-workers. Then on the other side of the coin we have physical transformation which provides a huge step in "the" journey but also have many downsides. Downsides (my fav) like dilation, w/o hormones your body does not naturally produce them. How about finding a partner to love, that can be a path filled with happiness or depression, a true roller-caster. Neither path is peaches and crème but for me I am truly happy (except for dilation) and welcome what lies ahead and prey that those travelling this path never, ever give up finding their true selves. In closing this in many ways has been an (in a good way)emotional day, this is what hormones do and I welcome them (except when my mascara runs).
    7 points
  30. One of the members here recently was feeling down (I hope that you feel better today:) and discouraged. One of the things was that men are sending her unwanted friend requests and messages on social sites. This is such an annoyance for transgender women and makes us all to aware how we can be objectified as fetish objects by a certain type of guy who don't really see us as real people, let alone women. Sometimes you just get so fed up with it, and at the wrong time, it can really get to you. They all seem to say and ask the same or similar things which can run the spectrum from ignorant, to insulting, to just so creepy that you feel like you need to take a shower after reading them. I'm thinking why not have some fun at these creep's expense. I'm going to list some of the typical things, usually the opening line from a message that I've gotten. Tell me if it sounds familiar and add some of the ones that you've gotten, ok? Of course, I can't include the more X rated comments that I've gotten. 1. You a tranny? 2. I'm curious and want to "try" a tranny, you want to be my first? 3. Do you Skype? 4. Text me. 555 555 5555. 5. Send me pictures. 6. Send me naked pictures. 7. Do you still have "it?" 8. Is 67 too old? (I'm 19) 9. Give me your number. (like I'm going to give a complete stranger my phone#!) 10. Give me your phone number and I'll send you a picture of my..... 11. What are you wearing? 12. Do you have boobs? 13. How big is your.... 14. Hi, do you like me? 15. I'm on he down low, do you want to be my secret thing? (yeah, I want to be somebody's "thing") There are so many more that are probably worse, and many too creepy to say here on tgguide. These are a few that I've heard over and over. On a dating site that I tried recently, some of the user names tell you right up front what these guys are all about. I also can't write most of those here, but for example, how many girls are looking to meet a guy that calls himself "freakdude69?" It can be so frustrating, I so understand why this gets to other girls. At first i was actually a little flattered that guys were (I thought) interested in me, but I got onto what they were about and really got so sick of it. So girls, are there any particularly weird, clumsy, funny or bizarre things that guys have said to you? At least things that you can say here, but nothing to "graphic." Again, I'm leaving out those that are too creepy, sexually graphic or disgusting....which are most of the comments that girls like us get. La la la:))) KML
    7 points
  31. Ok, so I'm a pretty happy girl. I mean, I have a supportive family, some amazing friends, school is going well, etc. I would never let a little negativity bother me...right? Haha! Well it's true most of the time anyway. I have found that the majority of people that I encounter in life as a transgender woman, fall into one of three categories: The first being the "supporters," those that I am closest and who love me, like me, who are like me, are encouraging and who truly seem to get what it means to be trans. Second are the "accepting." The accepting may not really understand what being transgender means, but are open minded and have respect for us, based on who we are as people and are open to learning. Third are the "tolerant." These people may not like me, respect me and may even think that the way I live my life is wrong. Their position can be based on a lot of different things. The important thing about the tolerant is that even if they don't agree with the way that someone lives their life, they don't feel the need to judge, discriminate, bully etc. They might shrug their shoulders, roll their eyes,, but move on and focus on their own lives. These three types comprise, by far, most of the kind of people that I interact with in my everyday life as a daughter, sibling, friend, student, employee, consumer and semi-socialite:), However, there is a fourth sub-group, "the haters." The haters are the subject of today's rambling rant. I am a strong woman. I can mostly deal with the relative few haters. I grew up trans and have faced adversity of some sort almost everyday of my life, so I'm not about to let a relative few make a major impact on my life with their ignorance. I have received too much love and support in my life for that. However, there are times when venting some frustration is good for your soul. Thankfully, most true haters aren't all that brave and usually troll the internet, social sites, comments sections of Youtube...all the while anonymous and feeling free to bully, abuse and attempt to harm others with words. I suppose there is some temporary satisfaction in this for them. Maybe this makes them feel better about their own problems for a short time. Although this happens on all social sites, Facebook, twitter, etc. The following focuses mostly on recent comments and replies I've recently experienced on Youtube. I follow several vlogs on youtube which are made by amazing girls who are exposing their hearts and souls to help others, educate or vent their own bad experiences as transwomen. These are brave, smart, and intelligent women. You find people of the fourth type making horrible comments on every transgender related video on Youtube. Sometimes you find the same user names showing up on many different video comment sections. They justify their misinformed and hurtful comments with outdated gender ideas, religious reasons, poor scientific research or just something they heard from a drinking bro at a frat party. While you can't know the age of those posting these comments, I'm pretty sure that some are no older than 12 years old. Even though I understand that most of these trolls are unreasonable, I make an effort to reason with them. A few of them have actually backed off of the extreme views and seem to be at least thinking a little more. That in itself makes an exchange with them worthwhile. I suspect the motivation of the haters varies. I know that some of them resent those of us that live the way we feel, despite of opposition that we have faced for doing so...that we are happy despite it all. The majority of them are just unhappy people and looking to make others feel bad about themselves. The transgender community is seen as an easy target. Some of the more common comments that have been directed me are: "You are mentally ill." "You are evil and/or the devil." "You have XY chromosomes and will never be a woman." "You are living a lie." "You are a gay man trying to trick men." Here is one of my recent favorites." "You disgust me and I want you to die." Oh, how nice! So, here's how I usually approach these kinds of people and their comments. I start by pointing out obvious errors and contradictions in their reasoning, which is blatantly misinformed, incoherent or just manufactured to suit their agenda. I repeat the fact that transgenders harm no one by being trans, but their bullying, physical and psychological abuse and hate are very harmful and can ruin lives. Then, I always tell these people the same thing. It almost always stops them cold. "I hope that you find peace and happiness in life. If you do, you won't feel the need to harm others or want them to feel bad about themselves." When I was about to come out to my school as trans, my mother told me "kill your critics with kindness, then watch them die with a smile." She then made a point to explain, that what would die is their ignorance, their prejudice (not actually the person.) We never wish harm to others. If you read my poorly written rambling rant, you are a very kind person with a lot of patience and I thank you:)))) Lalala:) KM
    7 points
  32. Everyone should have a 'transition song'. I listen to mine every single day. Every time my transition gets to be too hard or too frustrating. "Silhouettes" by Avicii is mine. Not only because of the video that comes along with it, but for the lyrics. "We've come a long way since that day, and we'll never look back at the faded silhouettes." It means you have to keep looking forward. You're not the person you were back then. You're not the same person you were on the day you decided enough was enough, and you're now you. The REAL you! I vowed that it'll be the song I listen to before I go in for my top surgery, and I'll listen to it as soon as I come out. Avicii has kept me going with that one simple song, so...soooo many times. Blaring it in the car, on my headphones, on the stereo....anything. It keeps my head up. I wanted to take a minute to vent out some encouragement to you guys, and girls even. I had this moment of bursting enthusiasm on my way home tonight, of course, while listening to this song. One day you will have your moment. Maybe it's already come and you're transitioning. Maybe you're still trying to get up the courage to have your moment of truth. But one day, you'll have it. And it will be sooooo soooo uplifting and relieving. To finally get it off your chest. A truth that no one can fully understand and appreciate unless they've been through it. Since I started my job, my new doctor, and my therapist Joan...I've grown a person. I was depressed, dare I say suicidal, confused, frustrated, angry, and overweight. I was stressed. I hated my reflection, I hated my life, my situation, my family…I just wanted out. I soon turned to cutting, slicing away at my arms because the pain numbed the emotions. Hiding in a bathroom stall at work simply to avoid talking to people. Enduring the stinging of my chef’s coat sleeves rubbing against my bandaged and swollen arms, only to increase the agony later that night. I know it sounds like I’m only being depressing right now but bare with me here for a moment. That was almost a year ago. I went from 235pnds to 208pnds. You want to know how? Not with my diet, because it hasn’t changed much. Not with exercise because I don’t get much aside from work. Happiness. Comfort. That’s what I credit it to. I’m a happier person, more comfortable in my own skin. And that all came from one simple thing. Truth. Accepting who I am and moving forward to become that man OUTSIDE as much as I was INSIDE. Acceptance from my boyfriend, and knowing that he’ll be by my side even if I think he’d be best with a real girl. Someone who like to dress up and look pretty. Acceptance from myself, that I don’t HAVE to be Kristy. I don’t HAVE to put on make up. I don’t HAVE to put on that blouse, or that pretty skirt, and damn it I don’t HAVE to shave my damn legs every night and make my hair perfect and torment myself with the constant images of what I knew people WANTED ME to look like. I threw aside my faded photograph of the girl my mother raised, and instead started to draw my own picture. Of me. Of Warren. Point is…be you. I know that sounds corny but it’s true. BE TRUE TO YOU. A quote from Aslan from Chronicles of Narnia was “You doubt your values…don’t. Don’t run from who you are.” No matter how far I ran or how much makeup I bought or what my dresses looked like, I was running away from my true self. The person I knew I was deep down inside, no matter what people said. So what, you don’t want to wear that blouse? Then don’t! You want to put on jeans? Damn it, rock those denims! You don’t like bras? Guess what, no one does! Ditch it! Sure, you might have to exchange it for a binder or so but hell, I wake up every morning and put it on and don’t feel HALF as miserable as I did looking at those damn “boulder holders”. You don’t like heels? Great, they’re uncomfortable anyway! You don’t like makeup? FINE! You’re gorgeous or handsome how you are! You want to try boxers? GOOD ON YA! You’ll love it, theyre comfortable as hell! Cut that hair! Dirty those hands! Get under the hood of that car, no one can tell you that you cant! Damn it, same goes for you girls! You like pink? SO WHAT!? I LIKE BLUE! And red, really. You want to wear a skirt? Well damn it, shave those legs and rock those pastels! You like heels? Good on ya, because I cant stand them! Someone’s gotta do it! Lacey pink panties? Hell yea, that shit is adorable! Makeup makes you feel good? PERFECT!!! That’s….perfect…. It makes you feel good…it makes you happy…it makes you…YOU.. Don’t bow down to society. You like dolls, you like cars…who cares? True they whisper. True they talk. But it’s worth it. Every word, every lie, every muttering word they spit. It’s worth it. It might not feel like it right now, or tomorrow, or a week from now. But one day you’ll look back and realize it was worth it. I hated myself back a year ago. I hated going out. I dreaded getting dressed in the morning, and I wanted to burn my wardrobe. I hated my hair, I hated brushing it, hated doing ANYTHING to it. I hated putting on makeup. Now….I love me. It’s not perfect, and there are certainly things I want to change. But I’m comfortable. I cried when I cut off all my hair. I cried because I could finally see what I wanted to see. All those years of standing crouched in the mirror so I could try and imagine myself without breasts. All those years of tucking my hair into a hat to try and picture what I’d look like as a man. Worth it. I wake up, rake a hand through my short hair, pull on my boxers and my jeans. I wrestle into my binders and tuck them into my jeans, button up my favorite green shirt, and drop my hat on slightly sideways before lacing up my steeltoe boots. I stand up, look in the mirror….and I see…ME. Warren. Not someone pretending to be who theyre not, just for the sake of salvation from judgement. We get judged every day, regardless of your gender or orientation. Theyre judging you for the car you drive. The soda you drink. The socks you wear. The food you eat. Why not get judged for something that matters? This matters to me. Being myself. Being happy. And even though I still have a long way to go, I’m comfortable knowing that…. “We’ve come a long way since that day. And we’ll never look back at the faded silhouettes” Kristy is my faded silhouette. She was pretty, she was kind, she was shy, but she was scared. And she was depressed. And she was so…so very confused and frustrated, and wanted to endure no more. She blossomed, she toughened up, she worked on her car and she didn’t give a damn. She became Warren. Warren is cute, almost like he skipped puberty and stayed adorable. Warren is kind, he is shy, and he certainly still gets scared. Warren talks to a therapist, but mostly just to give himself a kick in the ass when he needs it. To make himself stop and think and get a move on. Warren is no longer depressed. Warren is no longer confused, he knows who he is. HE is HIMSELF. And you are too, but only if you let yourself be. You cant blossom if you don’t look at the sunshine. You cant transform if you don’t break out of your cocoon. You cant win a race if you don’t hit the gas. You cant lift that weight if you don’t break a sweat. You cant see the light by hiding in the shadows. Be who you are. I cant say it enough, I really cant. You may be transgendered, but you’re also transformed. In more ways than one, you have evolved. Or you’re yet to. If you haven’t yet…don’t fear it. Don’t fight it. Because it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. Walking into a changing room and being directed to the mens rooms when you once shrank away in the women’s room. Or being shown a pair of heels when someone once forced your sparkling piggies into boots or sneakers. Trying on that skirt for the first time and realizing how wonderful it felt. Putting on that baggy tshirt because damn it, that ****ing blouse drove you crazy! Chosing those bangles and earring to match your outfit. Taking off the jewelry and getting dirty. It’s different for everyone, but I can promise that everyone has the same smile in the end. A real smile. A true smile. One you’d been hiding, or perhaps you never knew you had. Be you. No one else can do it for you. Warren
    7 points
  33. So I arrive in San Francisco, love the hotel room, went out food shopping then downed to twos of A1 coffee (I tend to only drink water and coffee) and then thought, how will I get to the pre-surgery appointment tomorrow morning? Open the phone book to Taxi cab companies, there are about 20 WHAT. I call one and they said, how can I help you ma'am? I told them what I needed in the morning but got a bad feeling so I thought why not ask the front desk to see which cab company they recommended. She says where are you going, gave her the address and said you do not need a taxi as you are from the Bower group. What time do you need to be there? Told her 8AM and booked me a ride. I then asked, how do I get back, they said call the number (gave me the hotel card) for the front desk and we will pick you up WOOHOO. Many people said I could get a room for about one third of the price and I said (but this is on trust) all facts given to me point to this hotel being in alignment with Marci's surgeries and from what has happen since I have arrived is even better. So for anyone using Marci, they give you many choices to stay but most have far less then this hotel and are not in tune with Marci.
    7 points
  34. Especially early in life, it is difficult to tell tomboys, butch Lesbians and transmen apart. This demands that parents and other caring individuals develop strong observational skills and to learn all they can about parenting. Parents and other caring adults, such as aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles, grandparents, teachers, and coaches help the child build a foundation that will serve the child for the rest of his or her life. The tomboy cycles rapidly between male and female energies and behaviors. She does not feel acute stress when an occasion calls for feminine attire/behavior, such as wearing an Easter dress on Easter,etc. The tomboy is often heterosexual and grows out of it, sometimes as late as high school or college. She may have a boy's nickname, sometimes only at playtime, or when playing sports. Often a tomboy does this in an effort to gain male privilege. Occasionally the tomboy grows up to be a butch Lesbian. The butch Lesbian may have been a tomboy earlier and acknowledges feeling "different," or a romantic attraction to girls (crushes) at an early age (often age four or even earlier), but these feelings become stronger during puberty and often she becomes more masculine as she ages. However, she never hates being a woman, even though she may dress and act very masculine, and does not seek gender reassignment. The butch Lesbian may be able to stop homosexual BEHAVIOR, but the desire is always there. They have been known to marry and have children, due to family and societal pressure.Often she seeks the company of heterosexual men as friends and work mates, but dislike other butch Lesbians, with whom she sees as competition for the attention of feminine Lesbians. Obviously, she seeks romantic relationships with feminine Lesbians. Butch Lesbians are NOT about gender but about SEXUAL ORIENTATION. The transman, like the butch Lesbian, and the tomboy, feels "different" at an early age, age four, and sometimes earlier. The transman adamantly demands to dress in boy's clothing, have a boy's name (not a nickname!) and questions why his body does not look like a boy's. A transman is ALL ABOUT gender, BUT can be ANY sexual orientation in relation to his TRUE GENDER, the gender he identifies as being (internal gender). A heterosexual transman may have mistook himself as a butch Lesbian prior to learning about the concept of transgender. During this time he may have had trouble "connecting" with the Lesbian community. A note to parents: On the surface, the behaviors of a future tomboy, butch Lesbian and transman are remarkably similar. One must become familiar with your children and develop excellent observational skills, especially at playtime, when a child feels most free to be themselves. One wants to support your child into becoming an healthy adult, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, without inadvertently encouraging a child to become something they are not. Being a parent is the hardest and most important job you will ever do, but will also be the most satisfying.
    7 points
  35. Like the title of one of my favorite songs, "I'm Still Here" I havent forgotten anyone, and I havent fallen off the face of the planet either! This month has been rather hectic for me, in truth. December begs to be a difficult time for everyone, naturally, since everyone has SOMETHING going on for the holidays, no matter how much of a hermit you plead to be. For me this year, I was blessed with the company of my little sister for the month. For me, it's a huge thing, and I were doing my absolute best to make the most of every day. As her visit is slowly coming to a close (she leaves the 17th poo) things are starting to calm down a little, and I have unusually woken up rather early today. So why not post a quick blog?? We went to the movies, went out to dinner several times, shopping, etc. Spoiled her rotten, I dare say! As for my own personal moments, there havent been too many worth noting, to be honest. I cut my hair even shorter, and by god to I love it!! It's so much more comfortable and....well...me! I style it how I want it, and I've never been happier with...well my face I guess! XD Though I've noticed changes. Not in me, in particular, but those around me. The strangers that pass me by as I shop with my sister or boyfriend. The glances that repeat and the glares that persist. I thought the bathroom issues were troublesome before, boy I had no idea how easy it was back then. Now that I'm convincing the world of my manliness....bathroom situations have gotten that much more awkward. Of course I still cannot venture into the men's room as of yet. But the glares I get in the womens room....yikes. One woman went as far as to glare at me and mumble "f***ing f**s" I guess she wasnt wrong, really. As a Bisexual Transgender, in one way or another I guess I am a f**. I dont take that as insulting, because it sort of is the truth. I dont mind But the tone and choice of muttering is what got to me, really. I brushed it off and like any other day, just pretended I was the only one who’d notice my unusual awesomeness. I cant remember if I told you all about my experience with buying alcohol…..Either way, here’s a recap. A few months ago, I had gone in to buy a 6pack of my favorite Blood Orange from Mike’s Hard. Delicious, but seasonal, which is unfortunate. But anyway, I wanted to get some as it is seasonal and wouldn’t be out for very long. ANYWAY, I went up to the register and attempted to buy it, and so came the ‘carding’. But she wouldn’t accept my I.D. So she called in her manager, who also would not accept my I.D. because it “simply is not your I.D.” So…they called the cops too. An officer came, looked at my I.D. and shook his head. He said he could see ‘some’ resemblance but was yet convinced, so he asked for me to show to other forms of I.D. So after handing over my S.S. card and my library card, along with my work/campus I.D., he finally let me off the hook and I left with booze in hand. But with the recommendation that I get the photo on my I.D. changed as soon as I could. Especially in case I were to get pulled over for something! So….I DID!! It took a little convincing and again, I had to hand over other forms of I.D. to prove that it was my own. Which in a way made me feel good because my transition is convincing! I’ll add the photo soon On New Years I had a bit of a falling out with my boyfriend, which I sort of expected to happen anyway since things had begun to get so rough. In the moment when neither of us wanted to walk away, he finally stood up and demanded I stay and that we work this out, convinced that he’d be alone for the rest of his life if I left because he didn’t want anyone else. Honestly I cried so hard that my head hurt for three days afterwards, but we worked it out. Dare I say, and knock on wood, but our relationship has been better than ever since. We agreed that we’d talk about whatever is going on at the end of every single month, because we both have the habit of bottling up our emotions and keeping quiet until we explode. So hopefully, in that department, I’m better than ever As another plus, I went to the bank to cash in my unemployment check (laid off from Dec 19th till Jan 19th, and I get a whole whopping 48$ a week jeez, thanks.) and the woman had to actually stop and ask “Are you Justin or Kristy?” I wanted to hug her for even asking! It felt silly, but awesome. Even Justin chuckled at it, because he knew it made me happy to have my gender questioned. Then when trying on new pants at walmart, the woman assumed of my gender role and automatically sent me to the men’s dressing room instead of the women’s. It’s tiny little things like that, that make my day complete. It’s awesome, and though it seems silly to some people…it makes me a lot happier. I’m officially OFF the self-harm-watch-list by my therapist (Was one month cut-free up until a week ago, which was due to an imbalance of my medications. Noted: Don’t take Lexapro at the same time as Levothyroxin. They counterbalance eachother!) but I stopped just a little ways into the act and turned to using markers instead. I’ll show you the picture for that too, don’t worry. BUT I think I have dragged into this blog long enough, and I’ve music to go download and exercise to get back to. From 230pnds down to 211! I’m getting there! Best of love and hugs and all that lovey gooey mushy stuff, Warren
    7 points
  36. I was concerned about my name change getting done on time as it has been 24 days since I started part two of the process and was suppose to be done in seven to ten days. Looked in the mail, nothing so I decided to head on down to the courthouse and see what was going on expecting to get a reply I was not looking for. Well I was surprised to learn it was slated to go out in the mail today. The two people work the desk pretty much got it done today and walked out as Karen Payne. Tomorrow my plan is to visit DMV to get a new drivers license so that I can now book my airfare for my trip in two weeks for GRS. Also had a meeting with my immediate team at work about my plans for GRS, all went extremely well. Tomorrow I come out to the section I work in then take the afternoon off for DMV.
    7 points
  37. It’s become clear to me recently that being transgender has been like living in a carefully constructed and maintained house of cards. Designed to protect me from discovery of my secret, my house has many rooms and no windows. Rooms are labeled with names like “How I’m supposed to be with people at work,” and “How I’m supposed to be with my wife,” and “How I’m supposed to be with friends.” Like any house of cards it’s prone to sudden collapse and needs continuous monitoring to detect any slippage before it crashes down. I’ve even had a house of cards with my therapists even as I knew that I needed to be fully transparent to help them help me out of depression, anxiety, and dysphoria. With my shame I was unable to do so and thought that my feelings could be treated separately without their (and my) full understanding of my psyche. I now know I was wrong, which led me to spending a lot of time and money, relationship problems, and stifled career progression for the past 40 years. Important safety tip: don’t follow in my footsteps if you can avoid it. It might help to provide a summary of the effects of living in my house of cards: Marriage - I was often hyper-sensitive to anything I interpreted as criticism, leading to my needing reassurance that I am okay. - Reduced sex drive due to my not being more true to my self as well as over-thinking innocent requests like, “Touch me here, this way.” - Anger and frustration when she came up with what I interpreted as more rules for me to live by, like being advised to not wave my hands when talking (looks effeminate, go figure), be sure to keep the washing machine’s lid raised when not in use to prevent odor, shake out washed clothes before putting them in the dryer. Oh great, more cards to add to my already-teetering house. - “I’m so tired” as my common phrase at most hours of the day. Who could blame me? Keeping my house from falling while doing my job or anything else with others is exhausting. Children - Always good at shaking the house, challenging the status quo, not listening or following through… and me, paranoid about being found out. I was so uptight, trying to control and direct instead of providing them with the warm comfort they expected. (My wife assures me I wasn’t that bad and was actually a good father. She's biased of course.) - Thank goodness I had two sons. I can’t imagine how tough it would have been for me (and them) if I’d had daughters. Career - Often unhappy and unfulfilled, threatened by senior management due to doubts I was really one of the boys. Trying to act the part, mostly succeeding, but at a huge cost to me. - Despite my competence, I communicated - more often than I should have - insecurity, fear, need of reassurance: not a promotion path. - Always the one who first thought of customer’s feelings over pragmatic business realities, leading to a fair amount of raised eyebrows. - Changed jobs a lot trying to find the “right one.” Do I still live in my house of cards? To some extent, yes, although many of the cards have been removed recently by my coming out to my wife and therapist. What a huge relief! But it still has to be maintained while I consider where/when/if I come out to others. At least, though, I finally have awareness that my house isn’t as unstable as I’d thought and for that matter I care a bit less about it these days. I still have an in-law apartment above the garage which I maintain to keep track of what I have not yet confided to my wife. I’m having trouble, for example, telling her that I am and will be buying more clothes and accessories, that I need to store and care for them, and that I’ll be getting some coaching on all this from TG community resources. Emma
    7 points
  38. I find myself in a situation over and over where a transgender person will seek encouragement and advice from me. I love to help people when I can but this is a time when I'm very torn. I want to give hope and encouragement to the person at the other end that I know needs it so much. I know I needed it very badly when I started out and still do at times. However, my outlook on transitioning is a bit sad and dark. Its a tough life for most at best. I've seen so much sadness. I've listened to and cried with so many girls like me. I cant help but wanting to say don't do it if you have a choice. It's a giant commitment and in many ways something you cant undo. I fought my transition like hell for years then finally decided to kill myself because I could not reason my way past it any longer. I knew just how rough my life would become if I gave in this powerful need that was completely overwhelming me. I was so mad at myself because I truly believed I could use my mind to over come anything. I went to Transgendered meetings and saw a counselor for over a year before I started my transition. I listened to one story after another about people losing entire families and losing everything they owned. Being forced out of longtime careers and often while losing any support system they had before setting out on this grand adventure. Transgender people tend to be very intelligent and often have really good jobs before they start out. Sitting in a room across from a TS (transsexual) that had a big house, great career, loving family and then was left with nothing will make anyone think twice about following in their footsteps. Hearing about the family they were always so close to, that now won't even speak to them any more. It was quiet sobering but all normal stories in T-World as I call it. We come from all walks of life and back grounds but we share one thing in common, for social rights and acceptance we are the last to the table. Only because of our alarming rates of being murdered, suicide , beatings and discrimination that we are being discussed on any level( and awesome men and women that are fighting the good fight). Before I went full time living as a woman, I loved getting out of the house and talking with people. I have always clicked well with complete strangers and have had many wonderful conversations over the years. Now that has all changed, lots of people smile and are friendly but they no longer open up to me like they did before. The first few years of my transition, I had panic attacks just trying to go a few blocks to the post office because you never know when someone was going to go off on you. It might just be them laughing a sort of fake laugh very loudly, trying to make you feel completely stupid or very uncomfortable. Many times its a verbal attack with an intense level of hate and loathing you would never expect from a complete stranger. I have never had a single stranger stick up for me while all that was going on. The general look I get from others watching them be mean to me was a look like, "What did you expect when you left the house looking like that?" Many times I have been in a situation where one or more men wanted to beat me up and for no other reason then me breathing really pissed them off. Standing in line in a store with some large, tough looking guy, whos only two feet away from you, that is so upset by your presence his hands are shacking is a trip. I've been in moments like that over and over again. When its a few angry men standing together it gets really scary. People cry over the nation anthem, as I have at times, and then piss all over your freedoms without a second thought, like the freedom to just live our daily lives in peace. They all expect this freedom but some refuse to let us have ours. It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite movies, "How can someone say they love America but clearly hate Americans?" (The American President). My mind and my heart told me this was the right thing for me. I did however seek help from professionals before moving forward as should anyone stuck in this difficult situation. I truly believe I was faced with three very bad choices. One was to keep fighting a battle that just kept getting worse and was tearing me up inside. Two was to kill myself, ending all the pain and fear. Three was to just give in to something that I knew was going to undo my life on many levels and did. I was physically sick the last two years I fought my transition. A saw few doctors because of it and took many different pills, all for my tummy and my stress. I could not sleep, it was hard to eat and was very painful most the time but all went away the same day I decided to give in. I never thought I could not reason my way past it until I was sitting in a bathtub, surrounded by candles with a razor blade in my hand. I had a family at the time, a wife and 4 kids so I decided it was not really an option to do that to them. A week before that, a friend had told me once you have kids, its no longer your right to kill yourself. Its never a good choice whither you have kids or not but I decided she was right. She also said if I killed myself I could teach my kids to do that as well, if things got tough for them later on. That made a lot of sense to me and they were, and are, far more important to me then any fears I had about my future. The next day I told my wife what I almost did and what I was about to do. She said, "Its about time, you were meant to be a woman," but then asked for a divorce saying, "But I'm not a lesbian." I too ended up losing everything I had except for the love of my family and friends. I was very, very lucky compared to many others I know. The thing I find to be the hardest part of all this now, is how hard it is to find and keep work. This makes us as a group very unbalanced, causing a dark side to surround T-World from us just trying to get by. It forces many of us to become sex workers, doing porn or risking everything once again but this time out on the dangerous streets. HIV is very, very high for transexuals in some of the major cities. I have never slipped into all this but I have been tempted more then once--having no food can make your mind go into places you never thought it would ever go. Discrimination is everywhere we go. Whither its work, housing or even just working with the government trying to get some kind of assistance. The church I went to would never have me now and the party I voted for before openly works against me. I had to leave school, over the bathrooms of all things, because some women refused to share one with me. I was assured I could use the women's student bathroom, when I asked, before signing the contract. It took me years of waiting and jumping through hoops to get in that school. I was in school for about four months before it came to a head but it started right off on the very first day. At the end they gave me the choice to use a mens room with no locks in a part of school that was dark because it was an area not used at night. I explaned how dangerous it was for someone like me but was still told to use it our leave school...not much of a choice. I was the top of my class (99% GPA) and well liked but that did not save me for the complete embarrassment of it all and of course the huge disappointment that followed. Its a hell of a ride and before you just jump right in make sure you need it more then everything else in your life because everything else just might not be around if you do. Whatever you do, don't hurt yourself. DON'T hurt yourself! Get help. See a psychiatrist. You can see why I try to hold my tongue when asked for advice. I don't want to take the joy out of something that has been for me, so wonderful and fulfilling on so many different levels. However, I could never advise anyone on this huge life changing choice without sharing the likely costs. Some do very well and things go fine I'm told, although I'm not sure I know anyone that fits that description over the first few years. I've had a few girls say it was going perfect with little to no problems in the very beginning but then later I had them tell me everything had changed for the worse. Starting younger helps I think but the average person starts off at fourty, last I heard. I started hormones and went full time at fourty. When I moved to the inner city, it helped a lot. I did not realize how much I lived in fear until I move to LA around people that, for the most part, just did not care either way. It's a bit colorful in LA and your just another flavor there. If one of my choices was to not do this and not have the fight that was raging inside me, I would have choose that hands down to keep my kids living with me. Only you know if you have a choice. I cant help you there but there are others that can, again seek help. I do of course wish you all the best in what ever you do. Try to remember fear will make you stand out and that is not a good thing. If you do finely do it, don't hold back. You will be on the high dive over the deep end so, if you jump, do it with conviction. I can't stress enough the need to seek help before you start, not after. Don't take hormones on your own, you can hurt or even kill yourself. You should be sure about each step and think each part of it through, clearly and carefully. Its my right as a free American to pursue my happiness. The least we can expect from life and ourselves, is to be ourselves, if we lose that we really have lost everything. Its not our fault its so hard, we are not the problem. We are doing nothing wrong pursuing this difficult goal. Its a freedom few would say we should not have. Even most of those who make everyday life so hard for us would not say it should not be part of our freedoms. If your reading this and your upset by the subject remember if you believe its my right to do this then don't be mean to me. If you believe it should be a freedom remember you steal a bit of my freedom every time I decide not to go to a birthday party, or decide not to go to a movie and so on because the last time someone went off on me. That is hardly living free. I hear them say now and then that free speech gives them the right to say the awful things they sometimes do...sure it is. Its not socially acceptable to say whatever we are thinking and whenever at any cost. If you don't like dogs you don't go around telling off dog owners. If you don't like coffee you don't get to walk into a coffee shop and start yelling at everyone in it. That is not a freedom any decent or sane person would expect. My perspective is from ten years of chatting with TG's and TS's. Countless chats with girls like me. I went to the TG club's in LA for many years and met a lot of others just like me. I had two years of group meeting and saw a few shrinks on the matter over the years as well. I've read a lot on it and thought a lot about it of course. I know this subject very well. I have lived full time and on hormones since 7-22-2003 and before I went full time, I was close to full time for a few more years. I really love being the woman I always wanted to be, in that light it has truly been a wonderful experience. I've seen a side of life few could ever understand without going through it themselves. It has not all been bad, far from it, just hard. If you learn to let the little things go by the bigger stuff will not take such a toll on you. Learn to forgive. Most the people that pick on us are not bad people at all, just very confused. I have won over a few tough cases and became their friends over time. I just went to a St. Patrick's Day party thrown by a couple that really hated me when we first met, I even thought the husband was going to hit me. Try to remember its mostly just a knee jerk reaction and I bet most feel bad later. If you stick to the high road and not be rude back, then you will have clearly won. If I can, I just act super nice and sweet, its not that big of a stretch, and some feel bad right off. This takes a lot of will power because its easy to get angry about so much. Try your best to just let it go and don't dwell on them later--don't give that power over you. My goal here was to say some of the things I needed to hear when I was so lost and scared, first starting out. This was not meant to scare anyone off that was really meant to be a transsexual. Reality sets in fast when you jump and I'm hoping that you knowing the water is a bit cold at first will make it less of a shock. Its also a warning to those who just want it and don't need it, be careful what you wish for. (An update 12/6/08) I moved back to the area where I fled in fear, for good reason, a few years ago. I'm just coming up on a year and its going very, very well so far. No one picks on me or has been openly mean to me. I still get some unfriendly people but compared to the not so distant past, its only an minor annoyance. I have a part-time job on the weekends and school during the week to get certified as an Administrative Assistant. There was a time when I never thought my life could move forward being a TS. I would have swore the two were completely incompatible, but learned if you don't give in to fear and just press forward, they can come together. It takes a while to learn to walk the walk and talk the talk. Now that I'm more relaxed and more passable the daily hate no longer follows me around. I've heard again and again that passing is 80% in your head and 20% is your presentation. My advice is just feel your way though and let your inner-self out, without over analyzing everything or worrying about what others think. It did get a lot better for me and is likely to get better for you if you can just survive the valleys and the painfully awkward beginning. I meant every word of this with love and from my heart to everyone who is lost and confused at the beginning of this large and strange maze we call transitioning. We are moving forward and transitioning has become for more user friendly. Our attempted suicide rates are still so high there is not a close second among any other group. Those that do succeed are far to many--and again, higher then any other group. Seek help and don’t let fear wipe you out. Change is coming and I know if you stick around for it, you will love what you find. Your friend Lisa Eve ( 12-15-09 My next progress report. ) Life is better now then ever. I finished school and got my certs. My novel is now out and seems to be doing well. I got a new job a few months back and really like it. My supervisor wanted me to dress gender neutral on the job--in other words, not dress like a woman. She would have had an easier time asking me not to breathe at work. I still don’t see the kids very much and that makes me very sad at times. But over all life has been very good to me. I don’t ever get picked on. Most people don’t know I’m a TS, but when they do, everyone has been great about it--other then my pinhead supervisor. Things are changing for the better in the way the public, in general, deals with exotic creatures like us. I gave a speech on the Transgender Day of Remembrance (11-20-09). It reminded me its still not a safe world for us. We lose about two a week to being murdered--in the Americas and Europe. In the USA, our safe zones are getting larger and more and more places are becoming far less dangerous. Being safe and smart goes a long way. Its 2014 and a lot has happened between now and my last update. I got a bad kidney infection and had to stop my hormones. That lasted from 2009 to 2011. Kept going to emergency rooms and not getting any help...its all better now. Not being on hormones had an effect on me passing--as well as just being beat down for so long. When I stopped passing again the hate followed and I was not up to all that so in Nov of 2012 I went back to living as a guy. I also wanted to meet someone and start a relationship. Being a TS and meeting the right someone was not working for me. I went on countless dates, most turned out to be married, or I would be asked to get married in the first few dates. There was a lot of awful stuff, some really awful so I gave up on looking and dating--its been about 7 years since I dated. Going back to living as a guy was just jumping out of the pan and into the fire. My legal name is Lisa Eve and I have a F on my drivers lic. My body is still very female with breast and hips. So I'm trying to get back to living as a woman fulltime but I gave away all my clothes etc. I don't even have makeup. My family does not want me to go back because for how mean so many people were to me. That job I mention I lost with them just making up something to get rid of me...and it worked even though everyone knew. Don't get me wrong I'm super happy now and at peace. I don't stress anything these days. But I do want to get back to the home lost deep in my heart.
    7 points
  39. It's been 8 months since I have been on HRT, and I am feeling great. It's amazing how smooth my process has been. I am a senior in high school and I already have my name and gender marker changed legally and I am living my life authentically, I am extremely proud of how far I have come in just 2 years. I have opened so many people's minds about my community and I have been given so many opportunities so represent my community. I can't wait to experience more!
    6 points
  40. As I often do on Sunday mornings over coffee I read The New York Times and this morning was no different. I ran out of things that interested me so did a search on "transgender" and found the following article about Barry Winchell's murder while in the US Army, who was in a serious relationship with Calpernia Addams, a transexual woman. I came close to crying in the neighborhood coffee shop as I was so taken by the depth of feelings that came up: An Inconvenient Woman I then checked Huffington Post's TRANSGENDER page which often has interesting articles and, thankfully, found one that was so delightful, about an 11 year old gay boy's first day at middle school, how he met and befriended an 11 year old transgender girl, and his wonderful mother: When My Son Met Another Out LGBTQ Kid On The First Day Of Middle School Okay, great, feeling better! At least until I read another one on Huff Post: Surviving The Waves Of History: Bathroom Bills Can Be Deadly which is about a transman's suicide over the weight that he could bear no longer from those who deny transgender people's validity and rights. He just missed Attorney General Loretta Lynch's speech where she said: "Let me also speak directly to the transgender community itself. Some of you have lived freely for decades. Others of you are still wondering how you can possibly live the lives you were born to lead. But no matter how isolated or scared you may feel today, the Department of Justice and the entire Obama Administration wants you to know that we see you; we stand with you; and we will do everything we can to protect you going forward. Please know that history is on your side. This country was founded on a promise of equal rights for all, and we have always managed to move closer to that promise, little by little, one day at a time. It may not be easy — but we’ll get there together.” We will, my friends, get there together. What a Sunday morning it's been. Here's wishing you a beautiful day. Go hug someone. Emma
    6 points
  41. It's like my entire life blew up all at once. I never really realized how MUCH I'm capable of handling all at once, and still managing to be happy and helpful to others. But at the same time, it's really hard when EVERY front in my life is changing dramatically all at once. I keep feeling like I'm stressing out for no reason, and then I sat down and thought about WHY I'm having downward spirals and feel generally uneasy most of the time right now. Nikki wants to think it's all him I think, but it really is a HUGE mix of my whole world. All at once. 1) We had committed too and started making financial changes in our life, and day to day living. And need to continue altering lifelong poor habits to improve, that's really not easy. 2) Still trying to establish healthy boundaries with my crazy dad and step-mom and failing utterly because they are insisting boundaries between parents and adult children are unrealistic and they feel they have teh right to treat me like crap. So they get cut out, start acting like normal people, contact is re-established, and the cycle continues. I could just refuse, but there is part of me that wants a family of some kind in that direction, not just generation forward. I'm dumb. 3) Restructuring my marriage, from communication, trust, sex, issues, roles, and who needs what as well as how to acquire the material things required given point 1. 4) Trying to actually conquer the body dismorphia. That's so much fun. 5) Major upheavels in my social circle to navigate. 6) My sick cat. 7) Crazy mom and all her issues. 8) the super and ongoing flu. 9) The hernia issues and trying to balance excercise and weight loss with not incarcerating again and needing immediate surgery. See points one and four for the major reasons I don't get that fixed now. 10) Attention defecit disorder and asthma. Always random stress induction. 11) All the self questioning realizing how very out of touch I had been with my own reality. Granted i wasn't given the data for a lot of it, but at the same time, however irrational, is a feeling of how could I not see? That's a big list.
    6 points
  42. Many years ago prior to my real life test I would go out dressed with no fear except when leaving and returning home. If I was wearing any type of heels that made noise as most do I would avoid landing on the heel and tippy toe inside my house. Have not done that for many years. So today I wear a nice pair of business style pumps and while walking along a hallway found myself tippy toe for a few steps. I thought to myself, WTF then had one of those moments "yes this was from back in the day when I would tippy toe back into my house. Luckily nobody saw me do that because that would be awkward. So later I walk into the section I work in and one of the ladies there said "Karen", I turn to see what she wants. She says you are wearing FM heels! I said what? she repeated herself and she smiles. Okay, tell me what FM means. She said they are F*** ME signals in regards to my heels to men. I countered and said, there is nothing sexy about these heels. She said it doesn't matter they are still FM heels. We both had a laugh then I said, what if I change into my flats. Without skipping a beat she said, then after a smoke too (you know, many have a cigarette after sex) and we both laughed again. So after lunch I walked into her cube with flats on as I always have a pair in my car trunk (or boot) and did not say a word. She finally looks down and cracks up. Me thinking "I nailed it".
    6 points
  43. I was responding to a post titled Courage of Being Transgender in Public and decided not to respond there as my response seemed better off as a blog entry, more visibility. I have no issues passing and if I was not passable I would still had gone through my journey. Sure it's nice to pass and not be mis-gendered but focus should be on what makes you feel proper. For some Vaginoplasty is the only option, others might go with Orchiectomy and in rare cases Penectomy. Vaginoplasty needs two therapist approval and RLT (real life test) so going this route one commits to a gender change while the latter don't and one could very well live their lives in between two genders. Then still on the last two, one might want to fully transition but for health reasons is not an option. These options are good to know going down this path especially if age and health might prohibit one of the options. One must be absolutely positive before any of these options are performed as they of course are irreversible. I was asked to sign a waiver indicating I understood that at me pre-surgery appointment and it took longer to open the pen then to write my signature yet I have heard of some who did the RLT and obtained letters from therapist for GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) that have hesitated. There are options for those who look at surgery as they only way to be happy and get surgery regardless of them having the ability to pass. For those who may not pass they need to consider will I be able to still support myself, how many family members and friends will be lost or if I rent will I be kicked out, yes any and all may happen. If you read enough of my blog and post here I tend to paint a picture that is sometimes may sound like doom and gloom that hopefully gets those considering surgery to take real deep thoughts to the outcome of GRS and all that is entailed before and after surgery. Surgery is but a small part of the process yet so huge in the overall scheme of life that one must comprehend the end game and how about if one elects not to have surgery and that leads to a down fall of the person? It's a slippery slop. Bottom line is take the time and make the right decision where you end up in a happy place, leave this world not by frustration of being in the wrong body but leave this world after you have fully embraced a happy you. Personally I am on a mission to destroy all federal and local records of me once being a man which at this moment in time is changing my birth certification.
    6 points
  44. Good morning everyone, I've now finished just over a week on HRT, and a full business week with my "Real Life Test." There's nothing really to report on the HRT front, which isn't surprising. I did start a "chart" that I put on my bulletin board so that each week I can write down what, if any, changes I noticed. This week the only possible change was reduced libido - though I can't say that with 100% certainty yet. The "real life test" is another story. I broke through and wore my wig, along with breast inserts, to work and pretty much everywhere this week. This morning I had an appointment with a surgeon (about my shoulder) and for a moment I considered not wearing it there, but then decided that this is either full-time or it's not, I can't pick and choose. So I did it, and it went well. I did have to use my old name for insurance reasons, but they picked up on my transition quickly and added "Christie" to their records (the doctor needs a second to catch up - when he took me to his assistant to schedule surgery he alternated between "Miss Cunningham" and "he" - but that's fine :-) The only time I can see being out and not wearing the wig is to the gym - that may come as well, but for now I won't just because I don't know how wearing a wig on a treadmill would go :-) One pleasant discovery was a different type of band for holding the wig on. It's a band that goes around your hairline and fastens with velcro, and the wig holds on to that. Far more comfortable than pins, and so far it seems quite secure. Otherwise to make sure I keep moving forward I just remind myself to "do what I do" - meaning, don't deviate from what I would have otherwise done in order to avoid anyone seeing me with the wig on. I also went by the LGBT Center this week and got signed-up for their Transgender Resources "system." I have an intake scheduled in a few weeks so that I can hopefully join a closed support group (the drop-in one that happens the 1st Wednesday of each month has been a disappointment to me so far). They're also looking into places where I can donate clothing :-) xoxo Christie
    6 points
  45. Learned about the concept, "Living Apart Together," (LAT), when I was surfing the 'net for "couples living apart happily," as I love my apartment and my town, Beacon, but miss having a woman (I am a cisgender Lesbian) to love and care about, because my community (Dutchess County, NY) is very TLGB-phobic. My additional reasons are that I am a loud snorer, and have some other habits that I am too embarrassed to talk about. Interestingly, "Living Apart Together," (LAT) came up. Most of the information about it came from England, Australia, and Germany, with a little about it from the U.S. This is probably because the U.S. is a relatively sexually conservative country. How it came about was in England, during their census (like ours, every ten years), they noticed starting in the year 2000, but dramatically increasing in 2010, a lot of handwritten comments on people's census forms, explaining they were somewhere between being single and living together. The British government hired three universities to better explain this new social trend. Most of these couples were monogamous, and had various reasons for being in LATs. Also, without knowing it, I realized that I was in a LAT! Was very much in love and went with a transwoman for ten years, until her friends started getting married (at that time, Holy Unions), and she wanted to get married, too. Was very happy to marry her, but my reasons for not marrying was I knew Straight and Gay disabled people lost their disability benefits due to marriage, fear of bankrupting my beloved (she wanted to marry me anyways), because she would then be responsible for my medical bills and medications (at that time, insurance did not cover Gay partners), she lived ten miles off the bus line (she was ok dropping me off at the nearest bus stop on the way to work), and, as a butch, I was not comfortable with a fem supporting me. Of course, TODAY, I would have had an "underground marriage," (very common even today for people on disability), and would have kept my public housing apartment, using it for storage and as a mail depot, while living with her, just visiting my apartment once a week to clean, check my phone messages and pick up the mail. The advantages may be: Be able to avoid getting "underfoot" with one anotherGreat for those who travel long distances for workBe able to keep the relationship "fresh" and "special"Be able to connect regularly by e-mail, telephone, texting, Skype and snail mailBe able to be more romantic by sending packages and gifts​The disadvantages may be: In a crisis, may not be able to get together as quickly as you may want toBoth of you must NOT have trust issuesWon't be able to share quality time together on a day to day basisMay not be the best way to raise children​Realized that my relationship was a LAT, even before they had a name for it. Also, I realized had we moved in together, our relationship would have very likely been short lived. Today, I am open to a LAT, either as a prelude to a living together arrangement or as a permanent arrangement. Would try a living together arrangement on a trial basis, and, if there are problems caused by living habits, return to the LAT arrangement. Here are some links about LATs: http://www.losangeles.cbslocal.com/2013/05/10/experts-married-couples-finding-bliss-apart/ http://www.articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-02-14/features/ct-live-0214-amy-20110214_1_couples-happy-valentine-s-day-private-space http://www.livingaparttogetherlat.com https://www.facebook.com/LivingApartTogetherLAT https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doXVCB1KAno https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4-q1h93Csk ​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ul9YoL7z58 Would like to hear from others who have been in a LAT and/or living together arrangement and what you think about each!
    6 points
  46. Every now and then, people have to stop and breathe and realize that things they were planning and hoping for...need to wait. It's a depressing and saddening experience, but it's one that we all must have at least once every few miles. Sort of like getting the oil changed in your car, you have to take the time to stop and refresh your fuels and reset your priorities. For me, its the surgery. I know I NEED it to help ease my mind, and make me more comfortable in my own flesh, but I know it's not happening any time soon. As much as I wanted to spend my summer shirtless and enjoying the sun and the cool breeze on my shoulders, I know it's not going to happen. I dont have the funds for it, and I probably wont this year at all. The gofundme account I have up, though I'm blessed that a few have donated so far, I have a feeling wont get me too far. I'm not looking forward to the dreadful heat of wearing a compression shirt, binder AND sports bra under my t-shirt or work shirt this summer....but I'll have to deal with it. It wont go away, and I refuse to wear a bra. Hell even with a bra, I was dying of heat. I cannot imagine the torment that this summer will bring me, as we've been promised an insanely hot summer this year. Swimming is no longer in my pool of options, as I refuse to wear a girl's swimsuit, and there are no swimmers binders for my bust size that will stay on properly. I try not to get upset about it, but I know the truth and it sucks. The good news is my boss has finally decided to grow some nads and started to call me Warren, as he should have done a long time ago. Also I were asked to help host a "Transgender Visability Day" at my place of work, and have talked to the bakery chef about making a Transgender themed cake. I'll take a picture and show it to you guys when it happens, I believe on tuesday. I just felt like ranting and stuff, since it's one of my days off and I'm sitting here like a slug. If anyone feels like taking a peek at my gofundme thingie, its on my profile as my status. Have a ball. Lots of love and snuggles and all that cheesy stuff, Warren
    6 points
  47. One of my Facebook friends is my daughter's best friend who posted that she closed the front door and the security latch got wedged into the door preventing it from opening and asked for help. Since I knew she lived closed by I replied with "I will help if you still need assistance". She gave me her address, five minutes from my home. Went over, I knocked on the front door and she came around from the back door. When she greeted me (she had not seen me in five years) no reactions or comments on my new look as female. Looked at the front door, figured out I needed to pry the door and by thinking ahead of time brought a pry-bar with me. Took two minutes to free the door then a minute to hammer a metal strip back into place. Turned to her and said "done", she thanked me and I left. When I returned home she had sent me a private message You look great by the way! I suppose I figured out what your trip to California was about and wow! Congrats on looking awesome!! I guess she then scrolled through my Facebook notes and on one wrote You are so beautiful. Really. Just so you know. More validation for me. Perhaps this might nudge others down their chosen path of transitioning.
    6 points
  48. When my dysphoria started becoming too much to handle on my own, I confided in a trans friend. She's been extremely supportive over the last few weeks and I honestly don't think I could have even started to make peace with my feelings without her support. I'm starting to buy some clothes that I can wear when I'm alone. One of the biggest things holding me back is trying to change my thinking from "I want to be a woman" to "I am a woman." When I'm in girl mode, it's easier to make that distinction. I've talked to my friend about that and she said she had a similar experience. She asked if I wanted her to change pronouns for me. I didn't at first, but I eventually became comfortable enough. I even started changing to girl mode at her place. When I was able to look at myself in the mirror and feel like I was looking at a woman, I was excited and wanted to show her. Somehow the topic of dating came up. I've actually had a bit of a crush on her for a while now, since before we started talking about these things. It turns out she felt the same way. We've been dating for about a week now and I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. When we're alone, she refers to me as her girlfriend and uses my chosen name. She cleared all of that with me because she knows I find it difficult to think of myself as a woman, but it's not as difficult when I'm with her. She respects my boundaries and she doesn't push any issues that I'm uncomfortable with. I'm in a little bit of disbelief over all of this. I was so stressed and miserable for so long, and now I'm in a relationship with an incredible woman, I'm actually happy most of the time now, and I can see she's happy too. I don't usually like writing about my life if I'm not ending on a question or observation, but right now, I'm giving myself permission to gush a little. I'm a secret lesbian. Don't tell anyone.
    6 points
  49. I was contemplating on what I should do for Facebook, create a new account or change the current male one so I created a new one but then thought that this is going to be tough getting friends over to the new account and stopped after creating the new female account last week. While surfing through my male account yesterday I decided to delete the new female account and change the male account to female via gender option then changed from my male name to my female name. Walked away and upon coming back a while later had several people had messaged me, some saw it coming while others did not but so far all are supportive of the change which includes former girlfriends. One thing I have been monitoring is friend count, see if any unfriend me but so far none have which I am thankful for. If any do unfriend me that is their choice which I respect but also realize they were never my friend in the first place. Anyways one of my things is not to simply accept people as friends for the heck of it like some do, instead I only allow those whom I think will be friends, are fellow instructors and/or have common interest. There is one woman I met on My Space, always wanted to date her, in my eyes she is simply hot which does not mean the best looking woman out there, instead I am simply attracted to her and let her know that. We never met but over time became friends in a different way and then when moving to Facebook she friended me. I was pleasantly surprised to find her as one of the first friends to like my note that I was now female, gave me a warm feeling. Another woman whom I feel that we have met in other lives (and she actually was the one who brought this up) and dated also made it known we will always be friends. Funny thing about her while in bed together after making love she says (don't remember the exact words as this was back in 2006) "In a former existence I was the male and you were the female, married and very happy" and thought that was interesting that she firmly believed I was female before. About six months ago I told her I wanted to chat with her over the phone. She gave me her phone number (saying in case you don't have it anymore, which I did) and said give me a call tomorrow. I called her, we chatted for awhile then told her what was going on. There was a slight pause then she came back and said, I will kill you if you look better than me and then said, well we should go out shopping sometime. Talked for about an hour and felt really good that we could do this. I did get a few messages from various friends that had many questions which I am still need to reply too as there were many but all positive. Two of the people who congratulated me are national figures in the world of teaching self-defense and actually was surprised that one did message me while the other one I had no doubt. Looking back several months I would had never guessed this announcement would had been so positive and happy it has gone well.
    6 points
  50. A friend of mine's husband told her that his crossdressing is "no big deal." It bothered her because the phrase tended to dismiss her feelings; I understand and agree. I've often also thought of this phrase myself and thought it might be interesting to consider what it means to me. I'm not offering any solutions here, just food for thought and, perhaps, conversation with your partner. By the way: I'm using feminine pronouns for the husband, which is the polite/supportive thing to do for her; My apologies to my FTM brethren as I'm only talking here about the husband being the transgender person. Now with that behind us let's dig in! I'm first considering it from my perspective. (It's my blog, I get to choose who goes first. ) When I think of my crossdressing as "no big deal" here's some my reasoning: It's just clothes after all, at least in the privacy of our own home. Who cares if I'm dressing in feminine finery? My therapists have also said that it shouldn't be a big deal. I wish my wife could also treat it as no big deal because then I'd feel better about myself. As it is I feel like there is a winner and a loser, and we should both be able to win. I am and will stay faithful to my wife and am confident that I will not stray no matter what. I still am the person she fell in love with at my core. Shouldn't she feel happy that I'm "finding myself" and support me? Okay fine, let's consider what might be going on in my wife's mind for whom it seems to be a Very Big Deal indeed. She was socialized to be the pretty one in relationships and society, to wear feminine clothing and be feminine. If I'm feminine too, where does that leave her? Should she now consider herself to be a lesbian? I think it's known that cisgender women may judge each other pretty harshly at times, and "their man" may be a proxy for her success as a woman. What does it mean if he crossdresses (privately or not)? Is it because of some failing of the wife's? Although we know that gender orientation isn't correlated or the same as sexual orientation, my wife is still concerned that in the euphoria of the moment (aka "Pink Fog") I might be tempted to experiment. Who's to say that I might so enjoy crossdressing that I find myself inexorably drawn to Gender Affirmation hormones and/or surgery? How will this affect our sex life? Will we even have a sex life going forward? And if not, why should I accept that? If our marriage/relationship needs to dissolve, how will I explain this to my family and friends? Oh my goodness: the scale is leaning so heavily toward my wife. Maybe I'm just being negative. I am sure there are missing points in both my and my wife's sections. Please feel free to post your thoughts on all this. Regardless of whether you agree with what I wrote or not I think it always comes down to communication between ourselves and our partners. Easy for me to say but I think my wife and I are making some progress. Yeah! I wish you a safe New Years celebration and a thoroughly wonderful and fulfilling 2015, Emma
    6 points
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