stephani

I am just a normal woman staining daily to make the right choices, How can I be sure I am making the correct ones can I even make a difference will I make it out of this with my brain intack, it ackes with the pain I feel my tears flow like rain my head at the point of bursting thoughts roll around like a land slide crashing into other thoughts and creating an overwelming sence of anquish and doubt..... The time it passes and slowely a tear turnes into a river of raging waters salty and bitter to taste washing down my face I know the pains they carry away washing away any signs I might have shown to the outside world but yet still hidden within the pain grows again waiting for its chance to over take the dams I have placed to hold them back , and yet again they fail as I do and have in the past.... trying to simply hold them in is overwelming in its self .... The pain crashes into life again will it take me this time or can I withstand the battering I take again ..... It hurts and it must be released or I will fail , Will I fall sucoming to the pain or is this not an opption , opptions are lifes choices and I have no choice I am strong enough I can and will make it I must or it is all for not and I cant let this be my epitath for those I surround myself would not understand what pain I endure and I cant show them for they would become sorrowed as I have and this is not a legacy to inherant nor one I would want to pass on to those I have such love and admiration for. A tear is a small amount of liquid dispelled from our bodies they are the carriers of our pains our joys and our thoughts they flow from us gathering what they must to help us deal with what ever takes us at that moment they begin to flow, they flow like rivers and fall as individuals , as we all are... We can take a lesson from our tears they like us are strong as individuals and even stronger as a river when they are accompanied by others, we can be strong on our own but with others along we can move mountains .... I want to Thank all those along for the support they have given this last year, and hope to continue in the coming years, you have held my hand and wiped away my tears giving me hope to continue on, It shall not take me becasue with the loving support you have given I have become strong as a river , and an even stronger woman....My heart goes out to you my friends this holiday season I give you all my love and best wishes in your daily lives.

Thank you, and my wishes for you as well as everyone else.

Today is , well, suppose to be a day to give thanks for many things, but for this to be the true notion of freedom and cause for giving thanks.... Do we and are we truelly given these things I feel this answer to be no....Due to this thought I feel a bit un thankful, I know I have so many freadoms now that just a few years ago I was not privey to... But are we truelly free to be all we need and want to be free from... I feel this is just an ellusion given to us by the governing bodies, If they truelly wanted to give the freedoms they speak of then I feel we would have the right to say lets do this , its not interfearing or hurting others thus it should be our freedom to choose. The presuite of happiness this right is supposably given to us but not allowed by so many stipulations and laws forbiding it, it appears to me that the governing bodies feel as though they are smarter and wiser then we are and this giving them the powers and controls to dictate to us our lives. Does this hinder us from our abillities to eventually accomplish what will truelly make us free and happy no but it does limit us from doing so in a more timely fassion..I am in some ways thankful that inspite of it all I will be given the choice to finish my persuites but the time it takes makes us a little weary to enjoy and truelly be thankful for the journey , because it is an arjurous one bringing times that make us truelly sorry for this task but the time is passing and we make it thru it maybe a little stronger and wiser I hope this to be true for everyone that transitions, for if not learn and grow from it then are we no better off then we were before attempting to gain this freedom from this dark place so many of us have been held captive ... Will we truelly feel that our freedoms were worth giving thanks for the opportunity to endure this I hope so for if not I think it might make so many feel ungratified and no better off then they were before transitioning... I hear so many on both sides of transition talk about how things are and so many that transition are considerably more ville and bitter then they were before attempting to undergo all of this that we go thru to get free from this darkness.... I feel for them because I know what they have undergone to get to the other side and yet they are no more thankful to be there then they were when they started. I really hope that I will be strong enough to finish this life without the remorce that others have shared with the world.. I merely want to complete this journey with my joy and humor they are what keep me going at times I get down in the darkness and forget them but I eventually come out of the haise better for it, I guess I should be thankful for this because without the opportunity to have expierianced it I would not have grown to be a better person.... So I suppose in all reallity I am Thankful, Thankful for the opportunity to have met all of you and to have had you guide me and me to have helped just one other make it thru and thankful for doing so.. So many are and never will complete transition for many reasons and they are stuck in the saddness unable to go forward nor to return to their past.. I hope for theeir sakes they can get some sort of happiness out of their lives and be thankful as well... I just want to Thank you all and tell you I am and will always be Thankful to call you all friends, and family.... Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas as well.... I can hope for the new year that is growing ever closer that we all can and will helps others to a better place in their lives, like so many of you have done for me..

Yep, Bonnie the jest of the post was and is when those closest to us talk about us behind our backs, Why. why do we as humans do this have we no feelings for those we talk about with such distain and disregard for the others feelings, I know people will talk but why, I just dont understand what makes us do it even though we know its wrong and hurtful, why must we spread lies or tell others biusiness to others that it would never have affected in the least, now it does now they know something that had no relivance to them or others.. The answer I feel is it some how makes us feel better about our own problems, I have learned from life my problems are just that my problems and no matter what hurtful thing I do to other will help or better my problems. So I simply stopped this kind of action a long time ago. I wont engage in talking about another behind their back , I confront them with concerns get to the bottom of them with them and together we find a common ground ... I as I have said have fallen victom to this sort of behavior when I was younger, Why is it that so many so called adults still do this childish thing... I have not a clue and I was just wanting to make a little more sence of it all. Thank you so much for your responce.... I was just making a little joke about the sex thing.. Sexually frustrated individuals seem to be instigators of many types of this sort of behavior.. I was merely saying that , The various types of people GLTB-S all do this sort of behavior as well, it doesnt seem to care who does it it is merely humans that do it to other humans.. Hell animals might but I dont speak with the animals..GIGGLES TO MUCH OVER THAT ONE....I love Dr. Doolittle ( the original and even eddie murphy ) I didn't even take into consideration the ramifications of violence and violent acts against other into this post thanks for bringing that side of this up.... It to is of concern when others start and carry out this sort of thing about another.. Good point. I too would step into that one, I feel I would have to I couldn't sit idley by when others started to become violent about another, especially if the other had no idea it was coming I would have to step into protect that persons interest in that conversation. Obviously not water cooler situations of course but I think you still understood the point and question of the post.. Thanks to both posts they were inlightening and insightful I look forward to more... Steph

Hello you bright and inteligent humans out there in the net(er) net(er) land, I feel as though I must raise my hand to ask the question.... Me playing devils advicate once again, Mike's been off for some time, Thats ok I will play .... OK, Now it has come to my attention at the local water cooler that some of those that say they are your friends and closest allies are merely , traderous back stabbing A sexuals, Ok maybe B sexuals Or maybe No sexuals this might answer the question before I really ask it ( they might be sexually frusterated and have to release this tension on some one else ), Why must those that say they feel our pains and frustrations turn around once we leave the room to cast the first dagger into our general direction.... Why cant people just be honest and forth right with us , And the same can be said about us at times , What in the fricken world makes them or us think it is right just or fair to play tag with some one elses cercomstances or possition in life possibly they are in a higher possition in the organisation or work place... I guess life in general.... What in the world makes us turn into the vendictive lot we are when the other person leaves the room.... Talk about me to my face were I can defend whatever accusations you have thrown into the room for everyone to discuss... Everyone that is except for that person... Now I know this happens with gays, straights, lesbians, Tg's (whatever stage you might be). They say they know and they have your back but as soon as you leave BAHM distain right between the shoulder blades , another one goes down and never knew what hit them.... Why do we do this.... Dont sit there and say it doesn't happen and you have never seen it happening because ever since we were young and awair of our surroundings we have seen this and have possibly even done this, I will be honest I know when I was younger I can now look back and addmit I have done this same petty thing myself ( but fortunatly I have grown to understand how distrucktive this behavior can be )..and I have made up for this with the persons I refer to in my situation.... Can You say as much ? Would you be so forth right with that person you have done this to ? I am not saying nor am I implying this is has or will have happened to me ( honestly looking outward I am sure it has and will happen many more times in my life ).. but In the outside area of this board ( the Vers as it was ) it happens I know it happens I have seen it happen have been subject to its distain and managed to grab it by its skronney neck and tell it to knock it the H*** off , I cant say I was right by standing up for the other person but I can say without a doubt I did stand up for the other person, Have any of you done this stood up for another or have you merely slinked off into a corner where you thought if you quietly sat you weren't part of this kind of attack , ( Just for future referance if you did do this , You were still in on the attack because you did nothing to stop it ... Sorry my oppinion )... Ok enough you all get the jest of the post... I Hope I think I know you do... Love ya all.... Keep them coming I will be around to field the responces.... Ok I tried to publish this one first but it was passed over by this above posting so I will add it to the tail end of this one that way it gets its recognition as well..... ( crinkles face and slightly sticks out tounge then giggles way to much..) Ok, Here I am once again...... I set beside the second hands passing arm..... Will I take the steps ahead.... Will I fall to the ground below.... I feel I am sliding past this place I know.... I grab for your hand... I miss its grasp... Bye I go... Away I know I will come again... To take this place only within... To take your hand yet again.. I am Ok... I really am Okay... No... I Really feel I am Okay.. I feel this place within my heart ... I taste its sweat perfume around my soul... I know with it I can drive it home... I know I feel it on My chest... It is so heavy I feel depressed... But once again I Feel OKAY.... Once again I am OKAY... hold it in .... Breath it out.... Its pain subsides.. Its gone for now.... Away at last I do not know... But I am OKAY....For now I know! Pain is here its grasp surrounds us all we hold it close to know why it must go.....To understand why we must feel it so...I know now why I feel this way I know now why I have to stay....I must let pain go so I may grow.... Stephani R. Filed in I Must Ponder, Or queary abit

Well..... It apears to be another day that we have found out that we arent as strong as we thought we were... Why me why why why.... You think that the world is against you it is out to get you your in it's sights and no matter what you try things just keep hittin' you right between the eyes. Well is it really out to get you or are you merely feeling sorry for your self, I believe that you are at a point in your life that you have created some opportunities for failure to catch up with you and get you down at a point that your confidence level is low, Don't let it get you down any more take a step back run a hot bath with some bath oils and soak up the cleansing vapors, put on some nice music , relax my dear just relax stop letting it get to you no matter how hard you try you are not going to force things to get better, now that you can think clearly and you are relaxed.... Tell yourself that you are not going to let things get you down like this again it hasn't helped to this point so why would you continue to let them get to you like they did so from here on out , You are in control, You are confident, You can make things better, You will change how things have gone, You are strong, You know that you are going to make it through with your head up high, You know you will strive to be the best at whatever you seek to become, You are confident in what ever you do......... You Are Worth Respect and Admiration. The mind is your best alli and your worest enemy, With confidence in yourself you can change lifes outcomes to benefit you in it and through it. The mind is a powerful tool use it to bennefit you and stop letting it hinder you , think possitive from now on I realize this is easier said then done but stop and look back on your life when things were going right ,your confidence was up and you were thinking possitively, am I correct, I believe if you are being honest I am, Use what you have to better your life. And stop letting it drag you down.

BobbieJo..hello my dear, I know it is a topsy tervy life we all lead and we must just take the good with the bad .. It sounds like you have a combination of the two a job offer and the misfortune to have to endure possible loss' ....Such a tough decision but I know you will do what you have to to make it thru ... Your a tough cookie my dear good luck with the new job and try and work it out with the new bo during this opportunity. Good luck and talk soon I hope sorry it has taken me so long to repond I have so much I dont have time to check and reply to everything but I do try to get to everything in due time....HUGGS my Dear My thoughts go with you in your ventures.

Thank you my dear for thinking of me, I have decided that I just have to go back to driving a company truck and look to get some schooling like I did a few years back to get my High school diploma and do it thhrough the mail, so I will get a degree but it will not be at a campus setting. I have been down really bad as of late but I am really trying to hold it together and bring myself back out of the darkness....slowly but surely I will fight to immerge stronger then ever.... love ya and everyone on here I will talk later...Steph

I am so sorry for not being around for so long.... things are tough all over I know... Its not a good excuse and not even a bad excuse. But things have been real dificult for me lately... Ok , first things first I have started to with draw a bit my mind is on so many things as of late, Job, Money you all know the deal you are most likely going through it your selves... I was for a time only talking to my wife in my fem voice and things were fine but I senced a bit of tension from her , I think it has a lot to do with our daughter and her having to help out with her and her new baby and the rest of the grand children, and on top of this me and my whole mess, So I have stopped this and withdrawn from who I am back to who I feel she needs, I know this is detrimental to me , but she has bean srtong for me in this I feel I can give her what she needs to make it through all this with the kids. I have even stopped practicing my voice and stopped putting on makeup.... I have started looking for work here at home so I can be around more for her This is going to be and is a difficult thing for the area I am in.... I will find something . I have told her that I think I am going to go back to school and get a degree in something I am thinking Therapy or Nursinng I still set on the wall looking at this and hesitate the jump .... She thinks I want to go into nursing because my ex is trying to get into the field.... Trust me this is not going to happen for her and niether is nursing but in my wifes mind it is still their pecking at her, no matter what I tell her... I think the Therapist thing might be my forte but I am still on the wall, I am sure I will jump soon I have to do something this setting around the house really isn't helping my depression one bit and the anxiety level is returning to its prior levels. Enough of this I am back on here and plan to get on here more often so look for me guys and gals... As always love you all.. Steph

Ok , a couple of weeks ago I sat down with my wife, yes I am still married after our talk.... Oh what a drain on me was this talk. I was emotionally spent, HUH so I though, guess what a few days later my Mother calls........ him hawing around the preverbial bush I did for a time.... cant fool your mother when somethings eating at you they wont leave you alone till you spill the beans... OK , back to my wife we sat down to a movie or something night kinda vexed me anyways we began talking about the ordinary stuff and she said something that really bugged me.... OH YOU JUST THINK YOU WANT TO BE A GIRL LIKE HER DONT YOU>>>>>Ahh, I am sorry but I popped What is it about this whole thing that you dont understand? OOPPS wrong way to start this discusion.....OK ,calm down You know we have talked about this before...... YOU NEVER told me anything, Really, I never told you anything.....UHHHHH lets talk that way you will understand fully and I will know that you understand fully....OK while we talk will you color my hair, BUT of COURSE I will ....I like to do it its good quality time, and its fun. Ok into the conversation we went , how why when where what the, are you kiddin me really are you sure why would I , OK you get the jest, now Its I understand and am behind you in what ever you deside I love you for you and not the body you reside in...What a realief, here I thought OK hears the deal you talk like that again and outa here you go and all your assets ( though not many mostly my good looks GIGGLES A BIT ) are mine.... NOPE to that I will get back to you on this one when I am on HRT and fixen to go full time... Ok back to mom, pretty much the same talk a few more tears and a lot harder to do but its done, to my supprise, I knew it was something but just not sure what it was , Oh thats nice I told you when I was five but you told me to not think about it I was a boy and needed to act like one , dreams dont mean a thing and stop acting like a girl,,,...... Same speach from gramma, she atleast gave me a hug and wiped my tears away when she told me these things.. Ok sorry she told me she was here for me if I needed to go back and live with her then I could and that she was sorry for ever doubting me when I was younger, she was sorry for being so rough on me and she only wanted the best for me and If how great of a guy I have become is any inclination towards how great of a woman I will become, then she talked about how she thought it was gona be my brother to come out to her.... a little shocking but ok, I really dont see that he's a closet freek not a live out in the world one , he might of dressed up in the day but now I think he just likes to be freeky in the bedroom with his wife.... Not to say he might change this in the future but I really doubt it with him... About a day went by, no I take that back it was two days I was completely drained emotionally and didn't talk to anyone the next day, she called back and told me that if I didn't mind she talked with two of my aunts and they think if this is what makes me happy they are behind me in it...yippy lets make the headline news. before I can fully deal with the fact that I came out to my mother and wife in whole hearted facts...... Well the cats out of the bag and this kitty has claws and she aint goin back in so , Look out word It starts with a puurr and ends with a meow.... God , I hope she doesnt think I am gona stick with the name she wants to give me well as a second middle name..... willa.... Are you kidin me Stephani Willa Paige R. I love ya ma but HE)) NO way thats gona go on the new lisence or birth cert when I get to that point.....I will let her have her moment for now but UUUHHTTUGGHH No way Howdy Doudy....

Michael, My dear, I was told the same things when I came out to my mother and grandmother at the age of five , I took it to heart and to this day I regret even listening to a thing the said, I resent the fact that my grandmother will mot know me for who I really am and that my mother just now... about a week ago told me after a LOOONNGG discussion, and at the time of our discusion she said that she always knew and tried to help me along but I remember it quite differently at the time... Those times were different like you say everyone knew everyone and a butt swatt was excepted from all to give.. I am and was at the time worried about how society would handle me and in fear and the instruction of beloved adults hid to say no more, act only in private and hide away till time could no longer hold me ... I think you need to take heart in the knowledge that they grew up in a completely different time and their values and thoughts were even more closed minded then when you were brought up, I know it was and still is hard to move through life pleasing those that raised us but at some point we have to just make our own way with or without their approval....I know its hard and it is not what we want but life has been hard to this point anyways..... I do feel for you that your mother is still fighting with this with you to this day, I hope she comes around to your way of thinking...

My oh my it has been so long since my last confession sisters..... Giggles sorry. How in the world are you ladies and gentlemen, have you worn the storm called winter well or have you barely made it through in sound mind.. I would like to say I have came through it unscathed but it would be a lie to utter those words to you , It took a toll on me as I am sure it has done to many others. The cold bites and tears at us like a wolf waiting for us to fall to its grip, Give up NEVER I say fight the good fight I say If you make it to the sunny side only nipped and bruised then I say Great for you , unfortunatly I feel as though I have been dragged through the mill a time or two, but none the less I stand at the other side head up and smiling.... A bit of a crooked smile But a smile none the less. To add to my horrable winter I pop into spring with an Ex knocking on my door.... Ok I may have but dont think I have told of my past, I will enlighten you a bit so your all up to speed. One in my late teens I was the tipikle ( and must say over velous ) boy getting into the I am male hear me roar I will I can Look at me ( BS hiding as most of us do ) My life at home was my life at home at sixteen I was working a full time job paying my own rent and other following subsiquent bills that go along with living on ones own. ( I figured I had to pay my way I might as well do it in my own house ) I digress, at seventeen I was already a heavy drinker I hooked up with this girl that I thought I could give up me and this thing that has tormented me since age five , I can and will be her man I can do it I will do it , so off I went Inpressing her and wooing her to move in with me ( ah hell what a mistake as I look back ) we partied ( and yes I was using protection MOM'S ) well she was young and wanted to expieriance more then one male caller... Go figure she already had one P what did she need with another one, oh thats right to use and get to Use some more ( a bit bitter I know sorry )...... any way She at one point becomes our envied GG , Pregnant.... Mine hard to say for sure at two seperate occasions the protection failed subsiquently around same supposed time of inpregnation for no possitive conclusions of science can absolutely pin down time of conception..to day or hour. Sorry, Ok she preg. I being this ubber male try to do the right thing , nope wont have this Ok fine lets move on the child is born she distapears and a month or so goes by I get a letter from a lawer and her mother.... Short of the long Stay away dont try to become part of this childs life and sign your rights away... My drunken stupper and a pissy lawer say sign it be done and move on OK ...Durty Durr.... Now sixteen years later I get a note dropped off at the house saying your son wants to get to know his father........ OK now I am no longer an alcoholic I am a daily recovering one ( You all know that story I remember telling it before ) Ok I am up to this ( so I thought ,Tears are flowing and the past is in high def stream... ) Like My final exceptance and stepping out to some hasn't been hard enough and brought enough new depression and anxiety into my life here is the past biting me in the ass... Ok I am dealing with the new anxiety, Oh its so much better My wife oh she's just tickled about having the ex back in my life ( some one just shoot me please ) , Ok I am feeling a little better getting this out as well , see it is so much better to get things out then leave them to fester within.... I will keep you all posted and updated on the future twistes and turns in this new path I travel down..... And No I am still going to follow through with letting me be me.... I cant go back into hiding mearely because I have been side swipped by this bus.

I was just wanting to change the post I have in here, What are some things that make you laugh, I really am interedted I love to listen to things that are humorous anything to get my mind off of life in general..We all have so much going on that we have to retreat to a funny place and have a good chuckle I think that dane cook is really funny also I like to listen to Jeff Dunham he the one that has all the puppets I really like penut and a few of the others like walter he's the bitter old bastard he's really funny.....something about a guy with his hand up a dolls butt that is just humorous in itself.. I really like to listen to George callin once in sedona Arizona my mother had met him and his wife ( wish I had been there ) George's sence of humor is right on with life in general its only to bad that we are no longer going to hear his insites but he's in a better place ( wherever that may be ) My mother said they are really down to earth people its always nice to hear that even those we look up to can still hold life in its place..( can we all say that ) I also like Carlos Mencia he's really funny in my mind..nothings off limits and I love that I really hate those people who think we all have to be so politicly correct thats just crap we are not meant to be so sensative that we belittle those we are talking about hay we all are what we are and we know that fact why poosy foot around things I respect honesty more than I respect a person that thinks they have to be PC with me listen I am a woman and Unfortunatly I was born in the wrong wrapper If you want to call me a freek then so be it in your mind I am that doesn't make it so I am a person and I have been this way all my life no doubts about this fact..I am not ashamed of who I am so why should I be ashamed of a few words..Hay they are just words letters put together to form an expression so what who cares I dont..Do you? If you let them get to you you need to take a long look and reaccess your state of mind, We can all rise above these things if we just dont take them so serious hence humor the way out laugh at them no one would think they got to you if you laugh and say thats funny what else you have I needed a good laugh thanks...just like the bully in school kind of hard to beat you up if your not affraid of them..There power over you is then taken away and you win thats the hole point in humor hey if we can laugh at ourself then they have no ammunition to use against us.... a bit off track... I am here I am there I am all around I am one I am all I make you glad I make you sad I am life I can be hard I can be easy..but to all I am humorous in my own way..Lifes funny that way...

Ok ladies and gentlemen, Another day in this fight to survive I feel as though it is getting harder and more of a pessure to make it to the next day, these things we do have us under the vise they seem to me to be an at times unbairable , the anxiety pressing us into the ground and crushing the very air we breath out of our bodies Is this just me do I stand alone in this I think not I feel that it must be part of this struggle it must be because why would I feel this way if it wasn't part of the way My brain suffers through life struggles with the fact that this body is wrong it is not the way it should be It has to coep with this in such a way that I feel it just has no other release then to way heavy on my heart to crush my chest with the wieght of what seems to be an elephant, at some times the weight of the world......Is their some sort of release can the transition help with these facts of life that we suffer through or are these just things we will suffer from for the rest of our lives ? Can HRT help with this.....God I hope so because this Is just becoming to much to take .....I am becoming tierd of the fight ....I cant give up the fight I deserve to be myself Dont I? I think so so I have to make it to the otherside I know that life wont get any easier it will simply change to a diffrent form as I will after transition..But will the transition take this wieght from my heart ? GOD Give me the stength to make it to tomorrow.... Tomorrow is on the way Tomorrow is here today Tomorrow is yet another day away Tomorrow is come agian Tomorrow is so far away Tomorrow is crushing me Tomorrow is holding me Tomorrow is taunting me Tomorrow is teasing me Tomorrow is mocking me Why do you run to Tomorrow I must catch Tomorrow for it is just a day away.... S.P

What might you be thankful for I know that as the years go on I become less and less thankful for things....I mean life kicks us around and then plays with us like we were a big ball of twine and it was a giant putty tat just batting us around one time I would love to take life and beat it into submision...I know thats a bigger pipe dream then me becoming pregnant but yet another dream to the wind and another year behind us.....Isnt this just wonderful we try to go along with the rules and we still hit the preverbial wall full force face first...(SLAMMM) dazed and confused as to what the heck just happend we get back up and try it again next time we make it a little farther but yet again ( BAMM ) right in the kisser ...These lips can only take so much before they yell uncle... maybe thats what they want us to do just yell uncle give up....NOPE cant do it I guess I am just a gluttin for punishment but I am going to make the goals I have set for myself and then I might have something to write about to be thankful for I know you woke up today you should be thankful for that ( Why ) can you honestly tell me what is is that makes waiking up so special I should thank my lucky stars I did it again....No didnt think so but yes I have done it I woke up to take another bite out of lifes ankle....not to much meat on that nobbey thing but I make my mark none the less.....dragg me along this path and I will get up to swing again carry me to the end and I will sing your praises....I'm waiting no one to carry me God knows life isn't gona pick us up and carry us to our appionted possitions....so onward upward and outward we must go into lifes little torcher pit, watch the skys for the next gray cloud looms in the distance...take note that you can to make it through to bite life in the pervebial arse.....gotcha ...dont let go take that ride for a bit longer and make it to the next sunny day is all I can say... I do suppose I have one thing to be thankful for THIS FORUM...Its been a life saver so Thank you ladies and gentlemen....have a good thanksgiving and a great christmas If I dont hear from you all by then....LOVE YA GUYS...

These things we do to make our lives better Well not better persay but make it to were we can just live life without the constant pain and torment within our selves..Can getting the help from therapists and doctors make our lives livable Yes I do believe they can I have to think thats why we are forced to rely on them to transition..I know that we can transition without the normal route but with limited success and still the ever constant crush from life so what is the better of the two evils...Hummm Not sure but I will try the path to the left It will be hard to open up to those that will decide my fate but I must think that they to are just looking out for me and my best interests...I have to hold onto that notion for my fate rests in their hands.... Take me Into your arms and hold me close show me the love only you can show and give me the things that I need to survive.. These things that make me who I am those who can help take me into your lives and show me you care those who wish me Ill them away with you forever never to hurt me again away to you those demonds that will threaten my souls very existance with your ill words and bitter ways away with you take the knowledge that I will survive and make this life I hold so dear better for my struggles greater with my tears and fuller with those that shair in my pain.... To those who fall before I arrive I bid you bitersweet regret For I never met one so dear for I never knew your true name for I never spoke to your heart for I never held your hand through the journey I hold you dear to my heart for I hold your pain for I know your sorrow and with your help I will make this journey for you....In your name I vowe to make the next in line understand why we make this path less traveled together Why we must take hand and heart together for if not we are sure to fall as you...my dear sweet friend we will all make this journey for you.

Well boys and girls yet another day has been here and left us to fend for ourselves, The nights growing colder,coming sooner to us the darkness,Holding us in its grip longer than we should be held, those that dwell at night souring our days with thoughts of bitterness and anjuish...to only make it to the spring when all life begins again a new.....Life has a way of surviving the cold cruel world that we must endure...so must we make it to the spring to have reborn from our icy captor,held by those icy fingers gripping us and tormenting our very souls...Make our way to the warmth of springs light and the warmth of rebirth...taking life yet again by the hand and walking into the warmth of the sun.. giver of life with out the light of the sun we would be no more we could not survive our lifes would mearly dwither away into none existance...Can we not afford to let the light shine on us and energize our body into facing the hard facts of life that we to with time can make it to the next cycle of life we to can be reborn anew...I saw the light shining in the distance and Though I was affraid I walked toward It what shall become of me I know not But Yet I walk On this path I walk out of the darkness with the hopes of a new life a hope of a new begining a life less traveled is a life in the darkness so hand me a candle and I will be illuminated and steady in my walk...take my hand and together we shall be strong enough to fight off the cold bitter grip of winter together we shall be reborn in the light of spring and enlightend in the knowledge of another seasons passing and our triumph over winters cold grip on our souls...TOGETHER We will Survive....

Why in the world must we move to the beat of the drummer that is never seen. Why must we always do what the puppet masters say to do. What in the world would it hurt to be able to make some informed decisions on are own, to be in charge of our lives to live life in the persute of life liberty and the persute of happiness you know the beliefs of the founding fathers of this great nation the idea that we the people for the people and by the people. Not we the govenment for the government and by the government, this is our nations downfall we have let the government make up what we do how we do it and when we do it ..the founders would turn and fire on those who failed to stand up to those who would have our liberties and our god give rights those people that think that they are better served by those who have spent a lifetime figuring out how to pilfer our pockets and take our liberties..those who need to be held up for treason against those they say to serve.... I say no they look out for them and their better interests not in yours our mine those that swore to us that they would fight those who would take our liberties but in turn they do just that take them from us one at a time slowely but surely...we are loosing the rights we were given by those who have fallen those who cared about us when we didnt care for ourselves..I say to you all we must take the fight to them vote for our freedom vote for our rights and show those who spent a lifetime taking that we are tired of the ways of old we are taking back our nation and we will not stand for those that take from us wich is ours.....I slaved for my piece of eight and your not intiteled to half of it....go and make a diffrence make your voices heard..VOTE

Wondering, Why must those who have the most in this world think that they are intitled to dictate to those that have the least what their lives must be,and how they must live? What of them have been told that they must be a part of the whole to go through life and be something that they are not. Act in a manner not of their nature I suppose that those with the most have never been told to act, to be, or you will, I suppose that they have expected the entitlement to do,be or act in the ways that they see fit not by anyones dictated attitude so why must they always take this course with those that dont have the most or even a bit those that struggle to make it through the day without just exploding into a fit of rage or worse taking the ultimate step and ending thier lives those that fail in lifes tests and tribulations ending up as another statistic on the wall of some buricrat who just thinks that we are no more then just another wage earner to increase the governments coffers,allowing those with the most to dictate further what we shall be what we shall do and how we all shall live.. I say that in order to change these facts we must do it one person at a time quietly disceatly and respectfully, those that have made it to the otherside know that those that are allowed to shout and cause great disrupt in the order of things are only making it that much harder to bring about the changes that will benefit those on the way up,Changing minds and attitudes can only take place one person at a time we cant force anything on an indivigual we must desceatly,subtly change those peoples minds with a bit of information that their brains can understand and will take into consideration when we were told as children dont or you will or your suppose to well then our actions were of defiance and hate,I think such is that of society just like a child it too must be coexed into understanding why or how .. I believe that at this point our expectation of society to know and understand what it is we need is only one mind away from acceptance,one mind away from understanding, I dont want tollerance I want only to be, Not to just make due or make by, I want to just be ,as do all those before me and all those to come..so lady's and gentlemen we cant expect to be understood if we just yell at those that have the most we must whisper those points to them let their minds wrap themselves around the knowledge and accept the facts as they are not as they appear as we all know that appearance can be decieving... We all have to be on the same side if we are not then we shall never be allowed to just be the woman or men that we are we must stop forcing those that dont understand to understand we have to hint at and gently direct them into the knowledge and understanding of we are just men and women we always have been and always will be.. I beive that at some point they will stop trying to put us into that nice little box that is so much easier to look to when they are courious and want to act like they understand they dont but with pacience and time we will bring the understanding and acceptance to the whole, but only though the one can this be done...

With every breath I make a choice to continue to the next, and being within the world I am forced to open my eyes to my path it may be long it may be hard but nothing that we strive for is ever easy it must all come at some cost to us... I will not fall I will hold tight to my dreams and I will never faulter with the help of good friends and the support they offer I will not fall and break... This is my promise to those that have given me hope and shinned the light of hope into my darkest place your all in my heart this new year and I hope to be your support as you have been mine this past year... I love you all.... Thank you

With every breath I make a choice to continue to the next, and being within the world I am forced to open my eyes to my path it may be long it may be hard but nothing that we strive for is ever easy it must all come at some cost to us... I will not fall I will hold tight to my dreams and I will never faulter with the help of good friends and the support they offer I will not fall and break... This is my promise to those that have given me hope and shinned the light of hope into my darkest place your all in my heart this new year and I hope to be your support as you have been mine this past year... I love you all.... Thank you