stephani

Congratulations hun .... don't forget to have a carry letter made up for you as well ( make sure that it shows intent so you can work on your Identifications ) with this one it will come in handy , I have had to use mine once in the last 8 months , it does help ease some tensions .

Seeing this still makes me cry .. So happy hun , Big hugs and Kisses to you both. love Stephani

Well put Hun , these are things we all suffer from , at What Point .... Yeash that is such a biggy no one can say accept the one asking the personal question , when will I be complete and not so insecure of my outward appearance , well mine was just about two weeks ago when I looked long and hard in the mirror , what is it that everyone is seeing that I cant, I constantly asked myself this , and there it was right in front of me .... I turn this way It's my mother , I turn that way its my father , I turn like this and hey its Both it's Me ... Stephani Paige Ryan , I smiled and looked all directions guess who I saw Yes ... Me no one else Just me no longer Him as I once saw , but the woman every one else on the outside is telling me stands before them ... Will you ever find this happiness , I truelly Hope so I struggled for so many years after being full time that I simply wanted to crawl in a cave and turn into the little gollum from the hobbit .. searching for My precious ... who has taken my presious , it turned out I was blind to see I had my precious with me the whole time ... Find yours hun and live happy no matter the cost or surgeries you will always see the male if you dont find inner piece with who you are .. Take care and thank you for your post it is a help to not only you but to others not so lucky as we .. those who may never even step outside , those who may never even dream it is possible . Stephani

smiles and frowns ..... glad to hear your back yet the cercomstances are less then ideal or needed at this point of your life , take care hun and the best finding something to help in the day to day bills and living situation. hugs Stephani

it is hard to maintain , yet GG's feel the same way as you know and your absolutely right I have seen many more woman with more pronounced grouth then mine yet I have days that no matter what I do it still shows through to me . Keep your head up hun , I by the way Love my Heals and Skirts the nylons yeash can you say HOT , lol no good on a pms day is it .LOL take care hun I am so proud to know you and call you my friend and Sister . Stephani

Hun , ah , is all I can say , I love your smile and to know that added smile holds a tear of joyfull love I am in ah, still of you both , hugs and you know I and we all love the woman you are to us all . and once again give honey a carring hug for me when she is better . Kisses and Hugs my dear girlfriend across the pond .. Stephani

I wounder how this is going to turn out but in all matters I really could care less any more , the family well they love me and want my happiness yet they remain distant , the daughter well she's a littlle twit as of late and she needs a spanking , if I was stronger but now I think she could take this girl down LOL... I hated the fact that I had to choose for my wife , yet it was so comforting to know and see the out come is what I wanted for her ... they are still a part of her life mine distant yet still there , which is ok with me I can look and love atleast they haven't been taken out of my life completely , I get to see my littlest alot she is the 2 year old and she calls me stephani like she should . Gma is a little out of step so I dont want that , LOL.. I am happy with the out come , my life is a little more at ease now it was full of turmiol for the last few weeks and now , no longer ... I figured it would take my greaving over my wife longer but as I really lost her when we had our talk two and a half years ago it really only took me a week to be finally ok with it , she is still in my life and we are the best friends that we both could ask for, we do still live together but that's because neither of us have the money to move out seperatly , I hope this takes a while because she still is a love in my life I never want to loose . The endo apptment went like I figured it would they refused treatment on moral issues but wanted to learn alot so we talked for about an hour and a half . I am fine with morality its the fact that he knew it before they had me waist my day talking with him , I know this because he talked to his partners in the practice and this was the descion they came up with . Yeah I am a bit upset still because I am back to square one on that front , I have about five I have called and left word to call back , a couple are 178 miles away and one 210 so not a short trip just to go see the endo .. mid america you bite my arse ..... LOL oh another thing I finally found a lawyer that would do my name change and divorce all in one , and even order for my birth records changed , you know the whole bit all in one and at one time... now just for the cash yeash always more money going out but well worthit in my oppinion.. My psycologist is in a quandry because I really dont have any thing else bothering me , we have talked about it and I have worked through so much now I am simply back to playing the waiting game.... I guess it could be worse I could be torchered in therapy for years before finally making a breakthrough..... tada there you have it the most accurate and up to date I can give at this moment.. Hugs and kisses my friends Stephani

ahh , hun I get a feeling of such joy and happiness for you and her , wish her my best and your time is shorter then it seems, take care girls love and hugs Stephani

That's quite useful Thanks michael , your always staying on top of useful information for everyone. Huggs Stephani

looks like your body is doing what mine is , loosing the size of my legs and butt first then the rest is slowly dropping down , its always a great motivation when we loose weight and start fitting better into cloths we really love , Since january 1st I have lost 48 lbs and my labs have all came back within normal ranges for once in about ten years , lol , so funny how when we eat right and exorsize on a regual basis the weight might not fall off but it does slowly deminish bringing us closer to the goals we set for our selves I still have 60lbs to go for my goal but will be saticfied if i can drop 45 more lol. nah not really I want to loose the 60 . then look out all those skinny cloths be mine to buy and show off . You keep up the good work and stay motivated its hard but once you get into a routine it gets easier to at least maintain without going back up . Huggs Stephani

A time restless and true holds our minds to captive times of past , moving forward our lives seem momentary , hold the moment and time shall pass you by , simply bestill a glance and it moves beside us in true form ... Your beauty shines through Caroline The mirror glistens and resinates a womans reflections upon your eyes , hold the image and your mind shall recall a past held within , bestill the glance and your true woman will walk with you forever .... Take care Hun and dont hold onto the past to tightly you know the crushing hand it held upon you and your true self struggled free into your world , enjoy the future strides hold a tender hand and Happiness will show through ... We all have times we could hope to forgo remembering yet they held a place for our growth and created a life of our own design , remember tommorow awaits our steps and yesterday has past behind to be covered over by the dust we stir moving forward in our lives . Priorities hold like the past , let go of them and we feel void and unsettled yet again , lightly hold them within your hand and they to shall move along side us towards tomorrow , gaze to closely and they become reminders , glimps at what you hold and they become mere shimmers upon our eyes ... changed through time like we have done within our transition from one day to the next ... with every day you to change like those priorities we held so tightly to in the past , in some way new and exciting the concept of newly held priorities yet a reminder of a traveled path dusted over and revisited merely glimps and they are gone again changed slightly as we to have within time ... Hugs all around ... Stephani

I am forced to carry a loving heart through out this life as I am sure so many of you are as well , those within our lives are simply victoms of a tender heart or have become hardened because of the pain they have known , what do you suppose makes those of us that have a loving heart continue to undergo the pains of knowing and feeling for those around us , they cant return the same to us or are forced to withdraw due to their attempts at knowing those pains we deal with within our lives . I suppose it is the natural motherly instinks that have dwelled within us since birth that cause us to both feel and know of those we nurture through out our lives , does this become a help within our growth as women or do you suppose it has hindered us because we concern ourselves with the feelings and resentments others have suffered within their hearts . Does it make us hardened knowing this and surmize in order to not become hardened from the pains of our own hearts we must finally seperate our needs from the others we care so deeply for ... Does this in some way force us to become more tender hearted then loving when we have to choose our lives over those we have so lovingly nurtured along the way .... I ponder the notion that since one step in transition is to realize our valid needs out weigh those we have lovingly nurtured along the way thus does it harden us or can we still fulfill our needs , wants , and desires and still continue to be the loving person we have always been for those around us... I wonder , I hope that because for once in my life I can validate myself instead of those we have surrounded ourselves with that I will remain loving , it is a hard lesson we learn when we validate ourselves instead of those around us but I still believe even though we finally compete our needs and leave those we nurtured they in some form become a loving part of our heart finally completing the hope we have held for them in the first place to become loving for those around them instead of simply tenderly carring or carring to the point it has hardened them from those that surrounded them. I hope I have not confused you to much I suppose I was simply wondering that because I have to care for myself for once instead of those I have cared for sacraficing my own validations thus creating the peradox we so struggled to over come in the first place ... can I still be loving and validate myself over those that I have sacraficed to this point of validation . or does it harden my heart in a form and sacraficing the validations those I so lovingly cared for in the past . or am I becoming to tender hearted in feeling that any out come of my or their validations is simply because I no longer can feel the hardened heart within my person. I leave you scratching your heads as I have and do so very often during my own self validation process hopefully those loving person that surrounded me to this point can remain so because of my self validations.

very Relaxing Hun , Hope the endevor produces the beneficial results it appears as though you are attempting to withdraw from the listener .. I hope as well you obtain the nessesary funds to persue a larger audiance and listener base ... Once again Congratulations on the completion and on your future endevors may they clearify the mirk filled haze listeners are often within prior to listening and soaking up your thoughts and feelings within the melody or harmonic waves that will cascade from within their audio device .... Good job , harmonic and soothing . Hugs Stephani

Well , now as of the fifth of july I have officially recieved my carry letter , finally no more fears of the mens restroom and violence within , I can hold my head up high and walk my pretty little butt into the appropriate restroom , with odd looks of course but still a milestone none the less , my appointment with the endocronologist isnt until the 22nd of september but I guess nothing to concerning with the battery of tests and bloodwork so Wippy .... L a little I did , I suppose I could try and slide in on a cancelation but ehh it's all good . Just thought I would update a blog for those who were wondering , also am in the process of all the red tape run around in name change what a state missouri is and dealing with cali on top of it , oh well I will get it all sorted before I renew my liscence in october ( hope so any ways ) ... Take care everyone Hugs and Kisses Stephani

I think it is a raw deal treating you with such intended screwtany , I do believe they are simply looking for that one slip up or the pressure becoming to great that you now longer can work there , I wouldnt give them the saticfaction either , stand your ground do your job and let them play their hand then you like you say will be a little free'er in your monitary cercomstances , I know this is happening to me as well because when you go from more then you can get done to not getting hardly any work you know they are putting the pressure on you . No biggy I could deffinatly use the time off with pay so Fire me you jerks It really isn't going to hurt my feelings one bit (LOL) . It really is funny when The shop has Three gay guys working in it but as soon as someone transitions and is in no way hiding this fact they freak out and try to get rid of them , so funny to me . Oh well such is life it will only get better ... Head up ,Smile big , and step with pride knowing your doing your part . Hugs Steph

Smiles , Glad to hear your trip went well . Hugs Steph

Ok had another session with my therapist and guess what Tears they fell like rain , what the hell at no other time then this my anti-depressants keep me from tearing up or feeling a thing and I get in here and a few questions into the session I cant stop crying . Frig make up my mind then on top of it I got home and their I was an emotional mess again , my wife wants to know whats wrong and why do I keep going to see my therapist if every time I am going to turn into a basket case , crying over the littlest things and at nothing at all , she said she wanted me to stop going if this keeps up , and I told her I need it apparently because of the years of this building up and not letting go of it all , so I know I am gona cry my eyes out until I get this stumbling block knocked out , I thought I had made it past all this a long time ago but hey its really a different story when there is that carring soul looking back at you asking those questions and reflecting your pain ... I know my problems but I simply cant get over them , is this a good thing for my transition , well no I need to be strong because transitioning is a mental battlefield constantly bombarding us with waves of attacks , so to be holding onto such old pain it makes transition seem insurmountable and almost unatainable ... I know that I have to get past these problems as well because transition is a marvelous and splendid time that we should revel in because of the joy our lives are begining to expeiriance for the first time since our awaikening , But you know 34 years of battle is so hard to let go of in such a short amount of time , hence why Time be your best friend take it hold it and use it to make it past this crap , I know I am , Ok going to cry myself to sleep and hopefully when I wake up in the morning I have managed to break down one more obsticle that held me back from my happiness ... You all my best Love and hugs Steph

:o , I get it , I got it and You Know how to get were you want to be . Keep up your goals you will make a wonderful addition to the working force forcing work by force .... Hee Hee , Your inspiring list may it shine a light to those who struggle in the darkness ... Take care and Huggs Steph

I am a one Woman Gal so to think I could ever take on the toll of Two You had me at hello .. LOL . You were my Hero and still are , keep us updated cant wait to hear the next exciting tid bit , I like the new picture You are such a Cutie .. But you already know that . Hugs Take care you Steph

Mike , this is the question isnt it , the one big never leaving the room standing in the corner waiting to pop into your daily conversations question .... When is some one that says they know and understand and accept you for you pops off with the he/she statement , would it have mattered that it was in public concerning a woman he percieved as Trans or would it have been more understandable if it was at the house plopped on the couch watching another springer or morrey episode on Trans this or Trans that , I often get the snide comments flung through out the room when such shows are on , usually from the Daughter , her Boyfriend and My Son , My wife no but she doesnt exactly show her support on a daily basis ... I know that I have given all of them more then an adiquate amount of time to come to gripps with my gender and how I express myself on a daily basis But they all still throw their daggers my way when they feel I am at my weekest and as of late that is often ... The saving light is that I have some Good anti-depressants Now and I simply dont have enough time to think about their ignorant spowtings , it goes in and comes out before I have a second to ponder it , so I guess like Lori and Bonnie have said No matter how long things have been and no matter who it may be , their will all ways be that stupid remark that gets under our skin , can we deal with it like you did by scencible questioning and reason Hopefully , should we have to , One would think that we shouldn't when it comes to family or close loved ones but yet we still do . It sucks and it will happen many more times before your though with transition , unfortunatly you are correct society likes us to believe it is more tollerant and understanding but when the reality is that it has to bite its tounge so it doesnt constantly stick us with thorns . Take care Mike you sweet soul , I will always think you my guy friend from the intercosmic ethernet ... Kiss' you big hansom devil you ... Hugs steph

keep up the good work , Oh and Clean up that room its a mess ...LOL :lol:

It has been some time , Well Done , great news , take care and be well and happy . :D

Sounds like things are making their way to a good place , hope all remains steady and on an upward note , also hope the divorce doesnt take to much out of you , its always a nasty stressful time and ordeal . two you are a busy girl arent you . You take care of you and Hope the letters are signed and passed over your way to make that next step forward. take care hun , Steph

you are probably correct , I have always mind overloaded myself I am surprised I havent had a nervous breakdown yet , I try not to let to much distract me or consume my thoughts and as of late taking these anti-depresants I cant think of a damn thing nor do I have any feelings toward anything , goto get this adjusted this is rediculous I want the anxiety and depression to be managed not turn me into a mindless Zombie , Oh well another trip to the doctors office and get this stuff worked out , Hugs Thanks and you take care and be well and happy . XXX Steph

There are a number of states that have such restrooms but I feel they all should in this day and age the social implications involved with such a divide greatly increases the risks and issues by so many in the FULL Time portion of the SOC rules , once again the rules playing around with our lives , I digress , ok if I use the mens room ENFEM then that posses great personal risks to my physical well being , I use the Female restroom like I should then I can possibly be arrested for indeacensey in public , possible predator tag and risk being placed upon the child predator list ( sex offender ) for the rest of my life , Just because I have A Carry letter doesn't mean a Damn thing if a cop wants to book you He is going to do so , that posses another risk because if you havent had your SRS then your going to be placed into the male holding , once again personal risk .... So what is the Happy medium here , Unisex bathrooms good start but still not an answer , I dont know I get such a queasy feeling any time I have to use the restroom out , travling such as I do I run around in what I believe are the riskiest states , Missouri , Oklahoma , Texas can you say good ole boys .... ok Not so much trouble as of yet but I get more looks then I care to . I dash and splash when I have to use a truck stop restroom , because I frequent the same locations the staff is and are nice and polite but the customer turnover leaves much to be desired because of varring oppinions and beliefs , getting a bit more tence I believe it might simply be myself being overly sensative to my surroundings but I am leaving no room for any such violence or legal issues , I suppose just make sure you have your documents in case you need a back up for why you were using that restroom at least until the laws have been changed in more favorable treatments for us all . I dont care if I am dressed male (which is really hard to do since I dont have any male cloths ,lol ) or enfem I dont like public restrooms , Nasty ,nasty , I still have to tinkle I have to , leave me alone you untollerant bastards , LOL .. take care and be well and healthy Steph