CarolineTyler

Luckily my girlfriend was with me - so we were 2 against 2 :)

One guy was sort of supporting me but not with any action and one woman behind the guy did say a couple of times "just leave her alone" Caroline

I wouldn't class them as anything more than idiotic bigots. If he's flicking a "westside/westcoast symbol" that pretty much proves he's a saddo - it was east end London, not west coast California - he he!! Hugs Caroline

The two arseholes that gave my girlfriend and I abuse on the 25 bus last night. After attacking me verbally over my gender they started videoing me on their iphone, so I recorded them back. notice how they try to hide their faces. You Tube video

It's been a while since I last added an entry and since then, nothing dramatic has happened, just minor changes. Two months after having my last blood test my oestrogen prescription has been pushed up another notch as the levels measured were a little low. Picked them up yesterday along with another blood test form. yuck Couple of days ago I let my girlfriend cut my hair, haven't been so nervous about anything for ages but it payed off - I love it, a bit of a bob but it feels thicker and bouncer for it. Boobs are developing nicely and my bum is far rounder now - the girlfriend often remarks how more fem it is looking. Just watched the royal wedding and preferred the chief bridesmaids dress, it was simple & elegant. Hugs Caroline xxx

As I popped this mornings estrogen pill from its plastic and foil womb I realised that this particular pill was the 1st one of month six (a month being a lunar one as the pills are based on a born woman's cycle - 28 days) and that I had indeed completed 5 months of these little wonders. So to take stock of what I've noticed... Oh yes - BOOBS!!!!! Prob. the most obvious effect is that I have a nice pair of developing boobs - currently a big A knocking on a B cup. The aureoles have widened a little and the nipple shape is softened from the prominent nipple I used to have. And like most girls have remarked upon they are darn sensitive to touch. Waist - narrowed a little Hips/bottom - rounding out Tummy - Oh well along with the nice changes in shape seems to come a bit more being placed on the tummy beneath the belly button. Still, at least its a female type of tummy to have. Face - many have noticed a rounding of features and a re-newed glow to my complexion. The skin is also more sensitive to the daily shaving I still have to do - more electrolysis is certainly needed but currently monies preclude that. I've taken to exfoliating more regularly which also seems to help reduce the increase in spots thats comes with my second pubity. Body skin - very noticeable softer and smoother - that I totally love Body hair - finer and lighter, still epilating those important bits, but the re-growth is less visible. Head hair - a bit thicker and more manageable, but not a vast difference. Other changes - I'm more emotional but it's manageable, my one testicle has shrunk to less than 1/2 its original size and now plays hide-and-go-seek in the sac, my spontaneous erections have gone altogether but if sufficiently aroused (and that's not often!) it will still get erect. Far less interest in the physical aspects of sex, preferring cuddles really. Wow - that's quite a lot of changes now I come to write them down. I hope this helps others who are about to embark on hormones, or just started still looking for the 1st proper signs. Hugs Caroline xxxx <3 <3 <3

Tuesday - to me the most hopeless day of the week - not halfway like Wednesday, not a post weekend downer like Monday or the buildup to the weekend like Thursday and Friday. And this Tuesday feels really weird as I had Monday off work. Anyway I awoke this morning, pulled harshly into reality by my alarm clock from a particularly poignant dream. I was looking down at my youngest son as a baby, he looked at me and smiled, holding out his arms to be picked up - I was just in the act of cuddling him...... I so wanted that dream to go on, I miss him terribly. Hugs Caroline xxx

Had a phone call from the doctor's office yesterday morning, "Are you available this afternoon? The doctors wants to talk to you about your recent blood test" This, to my mind is not a good thing to say on the phone, immediately I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, what wrong, what has shown up in the test?" Of course I said I was available, who wouldn't, and so I spent the next 3 hours or so worrying and fretting about what my doctor would be telling me. Eventually he called and told me that the estrogen level in my blood was at 255 pg/ml and that the communication from the gender clinic was to get this level to the 400-600 range. He confirmed my current dosage level and said he was considering raising it, he just wanted to get confirmation from the gender clinic on that change. So there you go - 3 hours+ of worry over nothing. Hugs Caroline xxx

Just got back from my 3rd appointment at the Charing Cross gender clinic. The appointment was originally for 3:30pm but got re-scheduled for 9:15am two weeks ago. I duly got up at 5:45am and made myself ready to go out, arriving at the clinic 9:05am, I hate being late Usual booking in process, address, current contact number etc. then I sat down to wait for the doctor. 9:30 - nothing 9:40 - still nothing - checked with the receptionist, Oh he must be running late, we haven't heard from him. 9:55 - ah!!! he's arrived! - apparently he had forgotten that he had re-scheduled me Anyway, he apologised lots and we started discussing my status, hormone effects, moods, relation status and everything. The appointment was for 45 minutes but we got through it all in about 25 minutes and he then said something along these lines. "Ok, I shall see you again in July and assuming there's no issues I will recommend you for surgery" FLIPPING YAY!!!!!!!! Of course the place is so busy the actual appointment is August 15th but I don't care as I'm on cloud 9. All I have to do now is sort out my divorce, the ONLY thing that can delay the surgery. Reasonably I'm looking at around November/December for the op - what a fab Christmas present Happy hugs Caroline xoxoxoxox

You must feel like you are coming up to the end of a marathon, the line is ahead and now all your preparations and hard work are paying off. Smiling here for you hugs Caroline x x

No - I'm not holding my breath for an apology xx

Yesterday (10th Feb) was the funeral of my girlfriends mother. The service was lovely with a lot of love being expressed for her mother. The reception (wake) was held at a local pub where many who knew her came and talked about her life, how she was a substitute mother for many and an emotional rock for her friends. However overnight, after much alcohol was drunken by my girlfriends brother and his rough friends, accusations were made that my girlfriend didn't care about her mother, that she was 'using' her brother and that I was bad-mouthing him to all his friends. Well, I admit I am not overly impressed with several aspects of him but I do think he has a kind heart and an open and giving nature. I'm in love with his sister, I want the best for her, I want the opportunity that his mum has given to them BOTH to used to the best advantage. I do hope that when he is rested and fully sober he will be able to talk and discuss the future properly and to everyone's advantage (him and his sister - not my advantage) Families - there's nought thicker than water as they say Hugs Caroline x x x

One other thing that comes to mind is that I'm lucky to have my doctor totally on my side with regard to the prescribing of the hormones. He's been just great but he has never dealt with a transgender person before and I have to prompt him for everything. An example of this is that after he prescribed the 4mg a day tablets I had to ask him for a blood test to check my levels. We decided to do this after a month so I've settled into this higher dosage. If I hadn't asked for it he wouldn't have remembered to offer it despite the advice letter from the Charing Cross GIC. So remember girls - ask and ask again, doctors are fallible and you are likely just 1 of 30 people they will see that day, its all important in your head - let them know. Hugs Caroline x x x

Today marks the 1st day of the 13th week on hormones - today my estrogen goes up from 2mg to 4mg per day and I'm so looking forward to the effects accelerating. Yesterday I tried on my swimsuit without any breast-forms - and my girlfriend said that I would pass for female - the growth there meant that I looked like a small chested woman, my waist is narrowing, my hips are definitely filling, my skin is getting softer and more translucent and my bottom is rounding. All this on 2mg per day - WOW! I had another 1/2 hour of electrolysis on Sunday - again clearing the top lip area of the stubborn dark hairs, haven't had any of that done since before I started on hormones and the lady doing the work remarked on the skin softness change without me prompting her, so it must be so. Still a load of white hairs on my cheeks and neck but they will have to wait until I have more money available - next money drain is the divorce for without that I can't have the GRS. Thought I'd write a more up beat blog this time! Hugs Caroline x x x x

Even a small step towards your goal is positive - just keep moving forward and you WILL get there. Hugs Caroline xx

Addendum: Today (Monday 31st) I got a call from my girlfriend that there had been some bad comments about me from the Scottish members of the family that came down last week too. They are worried that my girlfriend's brother will get some stick for his sister being my girlfriend. I have told her that I will be there for the funeral to support her, if me being at the service would distract people from thinking about the loss of her mother then I would stay away, but if its only about her brother (who is a drunk and a habitual drug taker) losing a bit of face among the rest of his druggie mates then fuck 'em, I'm going. Hugs Caroline x x x

Two days before Christmas 2010 my girlfriend's mother got bad news from the hospital, she had advanced primary pancreatic cancer and numerous secondary cancers. The prognosis was terminal and the level and number of cancers meant that there would be no effective treatment. I helped make Christmas as good as it could for the family, helping with the cooking and generally trying to keep things on an even keel. We all knew that the cancer was aggressive but I don't think anybody was really ready for the speed that things happened during January. Monday the 24th I got a call from my girlfriend that her mum had a bad night and that she was being admitted into hospital to deal with a build-up of fluids in her abdomen. I took the rest of the week off work and took the train to be with the family. Tuesday and Wednesday she was uncomfortable but talkative and reactive, Thursday she started a decline and overnight slipped into a coma. I was at her bedside with her brother when she gently slipped away for good around 10pm Friday night. This has left me a bit 'shell shocked' and flat feeling for life and I'm trying to pick up the get up and go feeling. On Saturday I received the fantastic news that my good friend Toni's daughter had given birth to a daughter of her own that Friday night - talk about circle of life!!! Hugs Caroline xx

I've been on hormones now for nearly 9 weeks (come Wednesday) and the routine of taking them is firmly entrenched, their effects are most welcome in my life. I'm enjoying the growing mounds under my nightie just before bedtime, the shrinkage of my one testicle is now quite noticeable and with its reduced size is a tendency for it to sit much higher making tucking easier. haven't noticed much in the way of overall body shape change, but I expect that to take much longer before it shows properly. Have not had any huge mood swings and my friends haven't mentioned that I'm different in personality which I guess is good, it certainly means I'm not having any issue functioning day-to-day. My next doctor's appointment is on the 7th of February where I shall have my hormone intake increased to 4mg per day. In March I have my next appointment with the Charing Cross clinic where I expect to have another round of blood tests to check that these levels of hormones are correct for me. Sometime early February I will be consulting a lawyer about my divorce and also to find out where I stand legally with regards to the 1/2 house I own following the death of my mother in 2009. Sorry this blog had no revelations or anything - but there again that's good I guess, its just normal life. Hugs Caroline xxxxx

That first time you experience your own legs feeling that smooth is just wonderful. These day I wax or eppilate as it lasts so much longer. hugs Caroline x

I am uncircumcised so I have always been one to ensure cleanliness down there, its not a 'fishy' bad smell but a sweet natural feminine smell Hugs Caroline x x

Welcome to the coloured side of the fence - I did mine first at the beginning of 2010 and have never looked back. xx hugs Caroline

Hi Emma, Yes - people DO read the blogs! lol Looking forward to reading it regularly hugs, Caroline

Its always nervous at the beginning shopping especially when your not yet full time and the clothes you are looking at are not for the gender you are expressing to the world. I found that most shop assistants are really very helpful if you open up to them and for most of the more experienced ones you will not have been the 1st to ask Caroline xxx

A few days ago I noticed a change that I have never read about anywhere. I was expecting the budding nipples and the associated tenderness, the subtle softenng of my face (noticed by a friend last week), and the changing of the body hair (what little there is of it). However I was sitting at my desk at home, with nothing but a nightie on and I noticed the distinct smell of a female vagina. Since I had not seen my girlfriend for some 5 days I knew it couldn't be a residue odour from her. Then I realised that my penis was giving off this smell - very subtle and faint but definitely there. I had a very good friend of mine (the sort of girlfriend who you can talk about anything to) round for a drink and a laugh this Sunday and I asked if she would take a quick sniff and tell me what she smelt - she said one word, "fanny". So it wasn't just me imaging it - I knew that my overall body odour would be more female but WOW!!!!! Hugs Caroline xxx

As many look back at 2010, I decided to write a short update on what I hope to achieve in the coming year. So in approximate order through 2011 Divorce - I've been totally separated for two years com the 5th of January so under UK law divorce becomes a lot easier. I will of course ensure the support for my two children will continue, especially the youngest who is seventeen. GRC - After 2 years of real life experience is up on the 23rd of May I will apply for my Gender Recognition Certificate, if granted I will have full female legal status SRS - Around November I will have been on hormones for a year, will have done more than 2 years RLE so I will be pushing to have the SRS done before the year is out. I would like to have it before Mid October as then I would be fully female at fifty! (fingers crossed) I'm sure more than that will happen in 2011, but those are top of my wish list. Wishing all those who read this blog, both of you , the very best of luck in achieving your goals too. Hugs Caroline x x x