amie

I reached a point of total acceptance of myself before I started hormones, I also felt that I had found the woman buried within me and I just needed to know it was ok. What convinced me to go on with hormone therapy was the knowledge that as I got older that I would age as a man and it would get more difficult as time went on as I was starting to lose my hair. However after my surgery I realized how much the medical community does not know what will happen next. There are many questions that remain. Many risks with each medical intervention. Because I finally accept myself I am more afraid of any further surgery because now I actually want to live! The combination of Mental Therapy along with Hormone therapy was a good balance for me. But it also important to be open to the consequences and permanent nature of the results. Acceptance means so much and First Impressions are very significant. It is far more possible to be accepted where people do not know ones past gender than when forced to confront family and friends of the past. What is really interesting is that through my own changes I have gone back to my home town and stood right next to people I have known for years and they did not recognize me. There is much peace about being able to start over. I believe that hormone therapy makes life easier in public not just about subtle physical changes but about human scent as well, hormone therapy changed the subconscious odor that is present in human beings different between men and women. When I was off estrogen for 3 months I noticed a difference in how my spouse reacted toward me. When I went back on hormones she became more separate from me and less interested, there was very little physical changes it was more about the smell. Anyway just a little food for thought. Hormones or no hormones should not stop anyone from doing there best to be themselves.

Amy

Welcome Back Kate,

I would just like to say that I have really missed you and am happy to hear from you again. Your blog is certainly genuine, I identify so closely with what you are saying I feel like I could be your twin. I have traditionally emerged as a leader in everything I have done in my life but I still ask a lot of questions and want people on my side. Lately I seem to have lost my ability to lead certain people because they have lost confidence in me because of my condition.

It always hurts me when people judge me incorrectly, make assumptions and throw their viewpoint with no desire to actually have a conversation. My greatest challenge in life has been the relationship with my father. My mom died 5 years ago and she knew all about me. My dad is just learning about my condition and he is quite disappointed that I can't just think myself into being a man. It also bothers me when so many people can't even begin to understand what it going on in myself when it makes total sense to me. I am girl in a man's body it is as simple as that.

I would like to encourage you Kate that since I have been on hormones, which is one month now, I really feel better all the way around. My anxieties have decreased dramatically and I have been less concerned about sexual feeling or my orientation. I am simply happy being myself and redifining my identity. My ability to think creatively has improved and as a musician myself, I actually perform better than ever other than getting tired quicker. Everything about my transition feels right on and my condition is improving under doctors care as a MtF woman. The doctor refered to me as a transwoman. It was a good feeling inside to see that my primary medical doctor treats me with respect and is working so hard at giving that support. I too, am concerned about my relationship with God but I believe that God has answered my recent prayer by helping me find the appropriate therapy to help me regain confidence in myself and inner healing. I don't understand why my family and friends can't be happy for me but I am learning to pick and choose who I want to hang out with and who are my real friends.

Drop me a private message anytime!!

Your Friend, Amie

Tiffany,

I am also anxious about hormones but I have realized that there is a lot we can do without them. If you can gain self-confidence to present yourself as you are then you will never be dependent on hormones in case for some reason you can't continue the therapy. Not only that, you can start going out as a woman right away. You might start out in an area where people don't know you. Believe in yourself and that there is more to you than your appearance. Just do your best to get out there more and when the hormones kick in your transition can be that much smoother. I wasn't sure I could do it either, but every week I have been gaining more self-confidence and I have finally accepted the fact that many people are not comfortable with how they look but they go out in public out of necessity and eventually they just get used to it. For me plucking out my beard hair gave me the kick start I needed.

Amie

Tiff,

You can obviously spend a lot of money through all of this for the rest of your life so we all need to get the crash course in being thrifty yet practical. I am amazed at how many outfits, shoes and fashion jewelry I was able to purchase at the local Good Will, Salvation Army, and Discount stores. What I have been doing is going through the mall first and getting an idea of what I like and what looks good, the mall also helps me see what is currently in fashion. Sometimes there are items on clearance in these stores which are lower than I could by anywhere. If you can manage to give yourself a special budget for something really special, allow yourself to buy one very nice professional outfit that you absolutely love and that really fits you perfectly, also this outfit needs to be within the budget you set for yourself. I feel so much more confident now that I have found items that really fit and really look good. In My two day shopping trip to madison I spent 200.00 dollars on clothes shoes and jewelry but I filled my wardrobe with clothes I absolutely love. With the combination of outfits that I can wear by mixing these clothes I must have about 40 items made up of tops, skirts, skorts, slacks, accessories, earrings, a few dresses, long skirt, tank tops, blouse, etc. Absolutely try everything on in the dressing room, it is extremely depressing to get home and realize that the clothes really don't fit right. You must learn to put back any clothes that don't fit no matter how much you like them and learn to see in the mirror as others will see you, because it helps to look professional as well as natural. If you are the Tiffany that lives in Madison, I was shopping at the stores off HWY 51 at the edge of Town. Glad your feeling better.

Amie

Way to go crysti, In other words we are the only ones "down to earth". We are gifted human beings with incredible abilities to see the world from both sides. I have said to others in the past that I don't know why people fear us. In my opinion it seems the majority of us are completely harmless to society. I may be overly positive but so often I just wish we could all get along in this world as one big happy family. Facing the discrimination we face is quite a learning experience and it has helped me to appreciate all people in all their diversity.

Amie

Be patient with yourself Tiffany, the most important thing I have learned about my own gender condition is that no matter how you look on the outside you must deal with what is also on the inside. As you take little steps to become more of the person that you really feel you are, try to enjoy the journey a little, because there are little things to celebrate along the way. As you feel better about yourself try to see what it is that makes you feel so special on any one day. Ultimately some of us will never be able to look as we may picture ourselves in our vision. But it is always good to have a goal and shoot high, hoping to fall somewhere in between. Always remember for every person that may not agree with us or make our life difficult there are others like myself who really understand and our here to offer you support through this time and beyond.

Amie

I have been learning more about the colors that fit a particular person. I think you are discovering what really works for you and this is great.

As far as the mirror, buy yourself a very good mirror and look to that mirror alone for your critique. There are a lot of cheap mirrors out there. A bad mirror can distort ones face in many ways and put flaws where none exist. One way to test a mirror is to put the end of a pencil or pen tip to the mirror. If the image is blurred at the tip or you see a double image or shadow then the mirror is not as good as it could be. The best mirrors, often used in astronomy are surface mirrors where the glass is actually behind the mirror for support only. A camera not only has a mirror which could be cheap, you are also dealing with a lens that is most likely bottom of the line. Good lenses are fairly expensive and excellent lenses cost a fortune. That is why you aren't liking your pictures as well. Lighting is absolutely crucial in picture taking and your best photos will be with balanced lighting with a little highlight to you face if you want. But don't use a flash. Flashes flatten the whole image and you are not able to see the dimension that you see when looking in the mirror. If you use flash at three points and not directly in front of your face then you would get more satisfactory results. But, in the absense of a professional flash unit, use the best digital camera you can find, Use the best lens you can afford, light your face evenly, stay away from the background to create depth and take more than one picture, compare and take some more until you see what you are looking for.

I hope that helps.

Amie

Your story brings to mind a very good communication skill. That is called listening. It seems you are well on your way to discovering this, but this is a good time to mention it. Most people do like to talk about themselves. Sometimes when we are approached a person really wants to share their story. They are polite in asking how we are, but often, deep down they want to talk about themselves. If you can get past the initial awkwardness of being approached and can get the other person talking, it could be a great way of getting to know more people on a deeper level. Most people will enjoy the company of someone who is a good listener and empathetic. When you have given them such undivided attention how can they not like you somewhat better than the other people who were too busy to listen.

When I read your story I was thinking when you said you "knew where she was going with her question" it is good to be careful not to assume this. I have been surprised numerous times, when I thought someone was referring to one thing with me when they were just making conversation. There certainly is variance in how different people communicate. It's a good habit to clarify a question if you are unsure what the person asking. Not everyone is out to figure us out. This is just a little food for thought. It sounds like you were successful in diverting any question that you did not want to answer.

Amie

Yes Cyrsti, I do hear you. I have built a career on the man that everyone thought I was. It seems foolish to throw away a life that has brought happiness to many people. I hope everyday that I will find a way to help the people who have known me for so many years come to allow themselves to know my feminine side. I cannot deny my past, but I am definately ready to live the rest of my life as someone that I really want to be. I am trying to refine my image and still be a positive influence in the lives of the people around me. i want so much for people to accept my new name but it seems that will be easiest by meeting new people and starting over. It is quite a conflict to be living.

amie

I agree with your comments. The best advice I have received so far from someone was recently from my father he said "just be yourself". Isn't that what many people have said to each other over the years. If someone means the words "be yourself" than the world needs to realize what it takes sometimes to be "one's self" it may mean breaking the fashion rules, and so what? Go for it!

My mother died five years ago and for me becoming more feminine each day helps me cope with her death in a very mysterious way. She was a wonderful mother and a well liked and classy woman, I so much feel the world still needs someone like her around.

Amie

Thank you so much for that touching story. I used to be totally into being sexy, but I am really calming down and enjoying a more peace in my life as I have embraced a more casual blend and live outwardly as a woman daily. It is still fun to dress up, but living who I really am inside doesn't depend on the clothes, but I wish others could see me as I do.

Amie

I have to comment on the people "we are hurting around us".

I don't get this myself. What is the crime? I am going to start this question in a forum because it seems to be such a common thread in our coming out. Whether we are delusional, have a condition, or GID, doesnt change the fact that we are hurting.

It is interesting to hear the excuses people make as to why we should suffer through our lives so everyone else can keep things as is.

Amie

Kate,

You are a wonderful person, if all of these people are interested in you, you must have the talent. I am also a musician and this has been 50 % of career my whole life. I found a niche where people really needed my services and I am in charge of my own business. 10 years ago when I left my full time job to explore my musical career, everyone thought I was stupid to leave such a good job. Now ten years later, there is no doubt that my life is better. In my case I am married with 5 children and that too was a concern when I left the secure employment. Right now, I don't have money or the time for all the feelings that are erupting in me but is there ever a good time for this?

If you are patient with yourself and be aware of your surroundings I think you may be able to work in your needs with your career. I think there may be a connection with people like us and being musicians, artists, writers, etc. We really are a special breed of people that very few people ever get to know personally. They like the fruits of our work, but they may not be as thrilled to actually look at us.

I have the confidence that you can get through this difficult time and that your life can be better not worse. I see from what many others have talked about in these forums is that you must find the solutions that will work for you and not just follow any advice. We are here to offer support when everyone else is pulling you down. The love around here is real. We know what it feels like to be out of place. The facts are there, you know the feelings don't go away and yet you really are a decent person on the inside who may even be better if you didn't have to face all the anxiety every day of your life.

I am happy that you have shared your story with us. I personally have been touched by what you are going through and I feel very similar about the ups and downs of acceptance and rejection, doubt and fear.

Don't give up your true self, just be patient and maybe a little more cautious of who you talk to.

Above all please take a close look at what you have a passion for in life. I think the worse thing in the world would be to embrace Kate but lose your passion. Kate's passion are probably very similar if not the same as what you are doing right now. You are rightly concerned that others may not accept you, but this is a big world. There will always be some group no matter how small who may embrace your talent and want your services as Kate.

I was thinking that if you could imagine how Kate would perform differently then what you are already doing is it remotely possible that you may have an additional market for her talents to add to current show? In reality I don't think having this problem as a performer is so unusual, I have noticed it in other performers for years.

I hope this helps a bit, I wish you the best.

Amie

Ok, I left you a real nice comment but it disappeared into space. So here is my short version. First Yes, I often have anxiety and lack of tears like you described. I think many other people do to, but they just keep so busy they don't allow themselves to really think in depth like you and I can. Sometimes I get the tears back when I least expect it and then I end up holding back because I'll be in a crowd or at an event and I get a little self-conscious. I love crying at movies because I figure no one is watching me. Think back to what has helped you cry in the past. Maybe it's music, or film or being around friends. You know as well as I do that those tears relieve a lot of stress. Just wanted you to know you are definitely not alone. I wish you the best, keep writing. You are very good at writing about how you feel and it is poetic as well as interesting.

Amie

stephani,

You have a beautiful way of expressing what you are feeling inside. The only way I have blocked out the feelings you are talking about is getting lost in something that I love to do, or getting lost in work. The anxiety you talk about is with me every moment of the day.

Something that has helped me feel extra special inside especially lately is my personal relationship with God. This is not about religion but more about getting in touch with your soul and something deeper and more profound then life itself. It is believing that you were created and not accidental. I see that my creator loves me and that God understands more about me than myself. I turn all my pain and suffering and give it up to God. Even if you do not believe or are having one of those moments of doubt in your life, its the freedom of turning it all over to someone else. The feeling that you are no longer in control. The heavy weight is too much. Believe that someone can hear you; Someone you can't see, but someone who cares for you more than you could ever fully understand. For me, when the tears come they always seem unexpected, and sometimes it happens when I am in a crowded room. Some of the things that help me reach that wonderful point of tears are beautiful music, a well written love story, a very good romance film, and open sincere prayer with God. I can never force this moment it usually just happens, but I try to make quiet time for these moments just in case. The real interesting thing for me is to resolve that whenever I feel these tears I should not let anyone or anything get in the way of my emotional expression. To me the only thing worse than not being able to cry is shutting the tears off when they finally do start to come. I think many people have these feelings, most never take the time to ponder it, they just go on with their busy lives and don't take time to think about it.

You have taken time to think and you have realized what I have. There must be more to life, right? Is it all just about being busy about a whole lot of trivial things, or is there more. Don't give up hope. Keep writing and keep in touch with this group. Even when things seem as bad as they are there is still hope. You have probably felt yourself turn around many times in your life, maybe its time to say. I am depressed today and that is ok. Try to do something you love to do and hope that tomorrow will be better. Finally, keep a phone list of your most important friends who lift you up occasionally, that never hurts.

Though I personally want nothing to do with precription drugs or alcohol, there may be more to your condition that therapy or medication might help. If a Doctor does have a remedy for you use your intellect to research and seek out a second or third opinion. My mind is the last thing I want anybody, doctor or not, to mess with. I wish you the best.

Amie

The act of sucking the nipples causes the body to produce its own chemicals that encourage milk production. Because of the rules of the site I did not want to give any specific prescription and I am not a doctor but after researching the topic on the internet and asking my wife who is a nurse about it she agreed that it all made sense. Breasts on a male have all the necessary components for producing milk. The act of stimulating the nipples for a prolonged time at regular intervals gives the whole process a start. Even if you don't get milk you will probobly feel the sensations as I did over time which was very interesting. I will say that for me I used a breast pump which is the only real consistent way of getting anything to happen outside of a real baby. Unless you know someone who wants to suck your nipples for that period of time. I first wanted to do this because we had a one year old who was breastfeeding and my wife got sick. Poor little girl had to be weened off cold turkey. I thought if I could have been ready if we ever have another child I wouldn't mind giving motherhood a chance and nurse the baby myself. This technique has a lot to do with attitude. If you aren't interested in this aspect of womanhood then it probobly will feel like a waste of time, but if you go in with the right attitude I hope you can experience the kind of loving tender feelings and warmth and femininity that filled my body. When I first tried it I pumped for about 20-30 minutes every 4 hours. Sometimes I fell asleep with the pump attached and it went for over an hour before I woke up. Besides those feelings the whole thing relaxed me to a point that I was able to experience a new type of orgasm with or even without ejaculation. I forced myself to be patient and allow the feelings to come gradually. I gradually became aware of new feeling in my body from the upper part of my body and deeper part of the pelvis that is often talked about with women. Maybe I have a good imagination, but I know there was something chemically going on in my head as well as the rest of my body. You have to focus on relaxing. A breastfeeding mother needs to actually focus and relax before letdown occurs. I have gained a whole new appreciation of what my wife has gone through with each of our children. Nursing Mothers should all be granted the quiet time they need to properly nurse their baby. The actual pump comes with suction cups and a power conrol that have hoses attached to provide the suction I had to come up with my own way of fastening them to keep them on at first, then my wife gave me a breastfeeding bra which helped hold the cups in place It was amazing, it hurt a little at first but the machine doesn't do any pinching, it is a gental sucking that similar to the real thing. Any book or website about breasfeeding will help you out. Breast pumps are usually available locally in baby section of store. At the risk of being considered out of my mind I learned so much I just had to share it on this site. To be safe I would definately suggest using a manufactured pump for this purpose not something homemade. Remember I am not a doctor, do this at your own risk. When used as any woman would use it, I have not heard of any real problems. What you experience will be up to you, I shared this because it really helped me understand and feel more like a woman than ever before and isn't that what this is all about. It is natural and ultimately natures way of giving a baby a second chance at survival if a woman is not around. I hope and trust that none of you will use this information inappropriately I truly hope this may help those of you so anxious to try hormones. This has given me a little breathing room and more patience to explore what I really want to do with my trans feelings.

:)Lovely words and sincere. When I was growing up I never understood why some people wanted to go to a sad movie to have a good cry. Now that I am older there has been more time between my chances for a good cry. It seems that crying is certainly natures way of relieving tension and I actually wish I could get better in touch with it again. Most tears reflect sadness and suffering but some people suffer without tears and a lot more physical anxiety. I hope you never see your softness as a weakness for being able to cry as a form of coping is certainly a strength. Thank you for you openness.

I have often thought of how my wife rarely gets to go out all dressed up like we dream of. On halloween one week my wife and I went out of state to a hotel were no one new me and she went shopping with me. It was quite the experience. I knew some people looked strange at me but I tried not to make eye contact. I enjoyed going through the shoe stores the most because it was one thing I normally wouldn't do while cross dressed. We also went to the rocky horror picture show together and that was a blast. I have discovered I simply have to wear womens clothes whether they are sexy or not. Therefore I have found clothes that aren't noticed as easily. They might not be sexy but they are still more comfortable than mens clothes, soft and luxurious (like underclothes). I seriously will not buy it if its not from the woman's department. Sometimes just that hint of feminine keeps me going. The sooner you can break through some of these barriers the sooner you will see that your internal fears are probobly worse than the reality. When is the last time you saw someone in public that looked different or questionable. If you have to have a reason for dressing a certain way it might help. Biking tights seem acceptable while biking, why would they suddenly not be ok if you were wearing them around the house. I wear tight stretch pants around the house often and my children have never questioned me, of course I usually wear a loose top or sweatshirt that comes past my waist enough to cover my but and crotch. I have also push the limits with shoes and my kids have not said a word, of course I have not pushed it all the way yet, so I truly understand your anxiety and wishful thinking. I hope more people can post info about sharing this part of ourselves with family and our children. If you can't be comfortable in your own home how can you be yourself anywhere. I would rather die than go back to wearing mens underwear, pants and shirts, and shoes. Ultimately It's my home and they will have to respect me as just being different, but I am not completely free yet either.