Emma

FABULOUS news Dee!!! As Michael said, your eyes are full of happiness as well as your face and smile. I love your hair! I am sorry to hear that you're unemployed. I hope you'll get past that very soon. So great to see you, Emma

I have always believed our time alive is precious whether we're 10 or 100 years old and everything in between. It feels like there is more for us to lose in our 60s, 70s, and 80s if we follow our truth. I don't wish to push you in any direction. But maybe there's more to gain, too. We all will eventually die, and death is largely a solitary experience. I anticipate that when I'm laying there dying I'll reflect back and of course there will be regrets, but I'll also have pride that I finally did what I'd dreamed of for so many decades. The reality of being a senior is that romance is hard to find, let alone finding someone who'll embrace our being trans. The field at our age is smaller, many are already married or committed. So yeah, look for dates, but moderate your expectations. Don't transition in the hopes/plans that you'll finally be in a romantic relationship. But there are communities of support. They need you, you need them.

My childhood was full of trauma and mental illness and, sure, I wondered how much this may have affected my gender identity. I studied pretty much everything I could find in 2015, including academic journals and gender therapists: Answer: it didn't. Why was I so curious? Because I felt that if it was caused by my early life that it ought to be able to be "cured." I experienced my gender dysphoria since I was 4 or 5, and believe that it was earlier but my memory doesn't go back farther. I know this because of things my parents said as I was growing up. Clearly (to me) they were trying to make a boy out of me. I tried, I really did. You're no fool. It's easy to look back and find things we wished we'd done differently. It's harder and ultimately much more important to look forward and do what we need to do. An acquaintance of mine, Dara Hoffman-Fox—a gender therapist—wrote an important book: "You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery." They (Dara is nonbinary) wrote that we're all on our own Hero's Journey which means that we were cast into a role that we didn't choose and don't like and it's up to us to blaze our trails or... not. Check it out. It's a great book. And oh yeah, I edited its second edition! (No, I receive nothing from book sales. I did it for fun and to help Dara.)

I had breast augmentation surgery four years ago, at the same time I had GCS. It was an interesting experience. The surgeon asked me what size I wanted; I said a C. She then said that during the surgery she'd insert a form and see how it looked on my chest. After, they looked great! I like them a lot!

"Reminds me of the Lumberjack Song!" YEAH!!! I think you were pretty courageous to wear women's underwear while hunting. I know I'd be fearful of having some kind of emergency or failure of my clothing and then being found out. And, I never wore a bra beneath a shirt or anything out in public. Too much chance of someone noticing the telltale bumps of straps!

"I've had a love hate relationship with my penis. Sure it felt good while masterbating or having intercourse, but it always was the cause of problems. Relationships to me were always penis centric and the women came (no pun) last. " Me too. I was always so embarrassed about how it would get hard and show through my pants. Throughout my life I wondered how anyone could become so sure that they wouldn't regret having it removed in gender confirmation surgery. That is, until four and a half years ago when I had that realization. I had my surgery almost exactly four years ago and I've never missed it. I love the way my clothes fit down there! I think I'm now starting to understand the desire for orchiectomy. Maybe it's like GCS without as much pain, recovery, and hassle.

Hi Moe, Aha, I'm glad to see you started a blog. In a prior TGG incarnation one would have a notification on the home screen showing what had been recently updated and now that that feature is absent I don't think to navigate over the blogs very often. As a young child around 4 or 5 I knew I wished I was a girl. In nursery school I remember wanting to learn how to curtsey with the girls instead of shaking hands with the boys. Every night as I fell asleep I'd pray or fantasize about being a girl, what that would be like. In elementary school I feared it was all about a habit that I needed to shake off. But I couldn't, of course. In HS and college I did start acquiring a small collection, mostly of underwear and tights. Then I thought I had some sort of "sick fetish" which was I'd heard about others having sexual fantasies. That then was my darkest secret. Honestly, I'd never even heard of the term 'transgender' until almost ten years ago when I started trying to figure myself out while in the care of a great therapist. I certainly liked that word much more than 'transvestite' which sounded negative to me, and, somehow I knew it wasn't all about the clothes. In my career I also travelled a lot, often to Asia, Europe, and Israel. Like you, I snuck small clothing items in my suitcase, mostly to wear at night. Emma

My first reaction is that DeeDee is absolutely correct. For me, though, it was very important for me to first determine that I am trans. Then, where I am on the gender spectrum. And then, where I need to be on the Benjamin Scale to feel most natural and comfortable as myself. It takes an open mind and a childlike approach to explore, experiment, and learn.

It's been just over four years since I left my home in California and started exploring my transition: where was I under the trans umbrella? Over a couple of years I realized that I'm firmly on the far end of the spectrum. And while I was always pleased with my progress I still harbored a lot of baggage. I'm so glad to say that as of about six months ago that burden is relieved and my life has never been better. This morning I was contemplating: why was that baggage so hard to live with and deal with? I suspect it's a result of my parents trying to cure me through their own version of conversion therapy from when I was a toddler through my childhood. And that was compounded by what I gradually learned what to expect if I expressed my true wishes and dreams to others. Now, that's pretty much done and in the past. Thank goodness! Below's a selfie I took this week after getting a new haircut. I'm very happy with it!

Right ON DeeDee!!! Gosh, I can’t believe how patient you have to be. It’s truly mind blowing but maybe that’s a common characteristic of government medical institutions. I’ve heard, for example, of similar experiences in Canada. Anyway, I’m thrilled for you and can’t wait to hear all about your experience on March 8th! ❤️ Emma

Almost two months ago I received a message on a dating app: "You have a warm smile." I checked out her profile and we started messaging back and forth. In and of itself this was so amazing for me. I was on a half-dozen dating apps (the usual suspects) and mostly received messages that someone had looked at my profile. So what? They didn't hang out, follow up with me, did they? Also, of late, I've felt more satisfied with being single. Not resigned to it. Actually, pretty happy. But has so often happened in the past: when I'm not looking for love it flies in unexpectedly. And when I am looking for love it's probably best that I not find it because I'm carrying baggage. So, this woman and I made plans to talk on the phone for the first time. In preparation for that I reviewed her profile again. I wanted things to ask her about. I then looked at mine. I noticed that all of the text blocks said "in review." I'd been on that site for a couple of months. Why "in review"? And did that mean that people couldn't read my text where I unequivocally inform that I am transgender? I wasn't sure and decided to go ahead with our call and see if I could find out. That evening on the phone we had a great and fun conversation, with all sorts of topics. At one point she said, "So, when you were a girl..." Wow! Did this mean she saw (in my photos), voice, and tone me as a cis woman? I thought about asking her but didn't want to disrupt the flow of our conversation. We signed off after an hour and agreed to meet the following weekend for a coffee. Later that same evening I knew that I needed to put my cards on the table. It wasn't fair to her or me if there was any confusion about who I really am. I sent a text message to her, advising her that although she may be unaware that I am transgender. I wasn't apologetic, just frank in a friendly way. She quickly responded: she didn't care one way or the other. In the following weeks we've gotten together much more, for coffee, dinners at each other's homes, watching movies on TV. We're getting to know one another. So far so good! I think it's good that I wasn't in a needy place when we met. Although I still think of the future and hope for the best we never know what the future will bring. It's best to just stay in the moment and enjoy the ride...

Hi Raina, I’m sorry to read your story but am glad you wrote it. I can understand and empathize with how your life has been so miserable. You’re 43, yes, but you really can have a life of joy and authenticity. (I started my transition journey 3 years ago at 61. I’m happier than I’ve ever been.) It sounds like your wife supports this, thank goodness. I suggest trying not to dwell on the past, set your sights on the future but don’t get stuck in that either. Somehow, and it’s not easy, it’s best for us to take things a moment at a time, live in the moment. Like you’ve been doing for your weight loss, which is very impressive. Take it a day at a time, and work your program to get it lowered. Consider using your weight loss as a personal project, an important and critical part of being authentic to yourself. And if you fall off your program don’t beat yourself up. Hey, you’re human. As humans it’s impossible to be perfect. Dust off your psyche, remind yourself of your goals, and just get started again. That’s the way these journeys are. One day at a time, one step at a time. Love and best wishes, Emma

You look fabulous and so happy! Good for you DeeDee!

"And I'm happier with myself and more comfortable in my own skin as I accept my sexuality and my identity more openly. I'm coming to understand that that confused child I locked away all those years ago is emerging into my personality and my identity is changing. I like myself and I'm more confident with my feminine traits and my queer attractions than I ever had while repressing them." I sure understand that, and also had similar experiences growing up, about fifteen years earlier. " I'm trying to discover what all this means for me. Discovering (recovering) this part of myself feels nonbinary, maybe trans, but I think that is the incomplete understanding the language I need to express myself." I truly understand that, too. I never felt nonbinary, but as much as I hoped I wasn't trans, with a ton of research, study, and therapy I determined that I am. Dara Hoffman-Fox, who's a licensed gender therapist in Colorado has many excellent vids on YouTube. They (Dara's nonbinary) also wrote a book that was a tremendous help to me: "You and Your Gender Identity, A Guide to Discovery." There, you can learn a lot about so much, including nonbinary, transgender, and others. Perhaps more importantly, Dara has many insightful questions for you to consider, and keep track of in a separate journal. These questions kind of lead you through your life, dreams, and many other things, to help you make your own determination. I think it's so valuable to have written all this down instead of trying to sort it out in our heads. Dara also has an excellent website where you may find other helpful info. Best wishes! Emma

Looking good, Ruby Rose!

Awww, Dee, my very best wishes for a wonderful Happy Birthday. You’re always so sweet. My heart soars that you are feeling more confident, sharing your authenticity with others.

I love this book. It speaks to me so well. So much, that I’m reading it again—for the third time. While taking the light rail this morning I read: ”When we let ourselves feel, our inner self transforms. But here’s the rub: Destruction is essential to construction. If we want to build the new, we must be willing to let the old burn. We must be committed to holding on to nothing but the truth. We must decide that if the truth inside us can burn a belief, a family structure, a business, a religion, an industry—it should have been ashes yesterday. At first it’s very scary. Because once we feel, know, and dare to imagine more for ourselves, we cannot unfeel, unknow, or unimagine. There is no going back. We are launched into the abyss—the space between the not-true-enough life we’re living and the truer one that exists only inside us. So we say, “It’s safer to stay here. Even if it’s not true enough, maybe it’s good enough.” But good enough is what makes people drink too much and snark too much and become bitter and sick and live in quiet desperation until they lie on their deathbed and wonder: What kind of life/relationship/family/world might I have created if I’d been braver?” it is freaking scary to push forward out of our comfort zones. Her sentence about the deathbed came to me years ago. Then, I thought it was about not being in or finding a fulfilling career. I know now that it was about living and experiencing my authenticity. Back to the light rail. Have a great day!

Hi Dee, I’m glad for you that you have a week to yourself to live as yourself. But, as you said, you’re alone and missing that human contact that we all crave while at the same time having understandable feelings about your ex’s upcoming marriage. I wish I had some pithy wisdom to impart that would provide you with relief. All I can say is that I hope you will come up with fun and cozy things you can do for yourself this week. Curl up in front of a fire, have a glass of wine, cook something amazing... for yourself. Buy yourself some flowers for your table. Pretty up your house a bit to show off your feminine flair. At times like these it’s important that we give ourselves kindness and self-support. And don’t stop posting here! Best wishes, Emma

I’ll add that I also experienced that let down when I had to change back. One thing that helped me was to wear female underclothes and if it was chilly enough, tights under my pants. At least then I could feel the presence of the clothes, which gave me a good feeling while I was out and about.

Dee, you look very nice! 😁

Emily, I can’t ever imagine electrolysis as “fun” but happy for you that you do!!! I found it miserable and expensive but am so glad now that I have to shave little remainders off every couple of weeks. If you’re like me, after you start HRT and lose your testosterone your other body hair may significantly reduce on its own. I was not very hirsute but had some on my back, shoulders, chest, etc. Now, there’s none on my back and shoulders and close to none everywhere else. Have “fun”!

Good for you, Emily! You’re very very fortunate to have such supportive parents.

You look terrific!

Hi Emily, what’s up that you’re unable to sleep?

Fabulous story, Emily! And good on you for coming out to a couple of friends. It is scary but it’s part of our journey. Best wishes, Emma