Emma

You both are so nice, thank you so much. It helps me more than you know to have you here and to read your posts.

I'm feeling a little better today. I exchanged emails with my therapist who advised that I "listen to Emma," that her instincts are sound. I know he's right but it's scary, like in one of the Indiana Jones movies when he knew he had to walk across the chasm and trust that he wouldn't kill himself.

I think this is a good example of how much TG Guide helps us. Friends like you are wonderful.

Thanks so much,

Emma

P.S. Warren: I'll match your 2c, add it to Michael's, and we'll start a hedge fund or something. We'll be rich!

Dear Warren,

I'm so sorry to hear of this. I can barely imagine how devastating it is to you. You are absolutely doing the right thing by telling us about it, and I assume also your BF, right?

Your manager screwed up initially but for some reason came around. Maybe someone (like your friend) talked to him. No matter, at least he's gone on record to support you.

I think you also did the right thing by cleaning out your locker. Some may disagree but at least you're removing the target from the coward who assaulted you. And that's exactly what he/she is, a F**king Coward, who can't stand up to you. Whatever, that is their problem not yours.

My 2c suggestion? Hold your head high. Do a great job. Make your manager and your coworkers damned happy to have you on the team. And absolutely resist fighting or being angry on the level of the Coward. By holding the "high ground" you'll show the kind of good person that you truly are.

But if you do trip up and get angry or emotional, that's okay kiddo. You're human after all, and dealing with something that takes a lot of bravery and courage. We're all right behind you, Warren.

Sincerely,

Emma

Michael,

At the risk of also drawing ire, I tend to agree with you. It's a bit of chicken and egg: did I desire to be a girl first and then find it erotic, or, did I just enjoy getting off while crossdressed and fantasizing?

Given my recent' discovery/acceptance that my desires of being female came long before puberty (like in preschool) my conclusion is that the erotic aspects came about because they were the only outlet left open to me. In elementary school I always fantasized about becoming a girl or waking up to be a girl as I went to sleep. It seems natural, then, that I'd also find it erotic to make love as a female.

Emma

Warren, I think it's great that you had a sit down and talk with your BF. I'm afraid there is no other way if you and he hope to grow in your relationship. And from your experience with a trial separation it seems that you both do want to stay together. So keep talking!

I know what you mean about being self-conscious. I think that comes from the doubts we have about our partners true acceptance. In a perfect world we'd be so self confident that it wouldn't matter what he thinks or says, but that's not the world we live in. You are already displaying a lot of courage to be yourself and now, understandably, you're looking for support.

Perhaps in one of your talks with him, ask him more about what's going on for him. What support and affirmation does he need? Maybe by supporting him some of his urges to comment on your longer hair or old clothes will diminish. I hope so for your sake.

Be well,

Emma

Hi Michael,

I'm sure you've heard the term "gender euphoria." I feel it when I get closer to my femininity, whether it's through clothing or opening up with others about my true self. But clothing is very tactile and visual, and with it we can express ourselves to others in a wonderful way. So that's why I also feel clothing can be addictive.

You're to be congratulated, I think, that you're so comfortable in your skin and clothing that to wear anything else causes you stress and anxiety. And while you may have to lie to stay true to yourself you're actually being truthful, to yourself, which is the best way to be, I think.

Be well,

Emma

Dear Warren,

You're a great brother to your sister there's no doubt of that. And I can imagine (I don't have siblings) how you might worry that as a brother some of what you used to do as sisters may not be appropriate. Honestly, I think it's all okay, what you did before and what you're doing now. You are FAMILY and it's okay to show it, with hugs, naps, and pinch and giggles.

We all hear how men are supposed to suppress their feelings, and most do. I know that for me, suppressing everything just leads to sadness and heartache. So don't suppress yours.

And good for you on your therapist appointment! The first few visits can be a little awkward as you each learn about each other and build safety and trust. So give it time. It's a wonderful feeling to have a place you can go to that is safe and you can talk about anything and everything without judgement and with full support.

I love your photo!

Best,

Emma

I think it's so wonderful that TGGuide supports both FTM and MTF people; it's fun for me to compare my journey and feelings.

For example, I have to tell you, I hate boxers! I think I had one pair way way back. I didn't like the way you have to somehow smooth them down your legs inside pants or otherwise they're all scrunched up and uncomfortable. Worse, they don't hold anything in place if you get my drift. All flopping around which feels weird to me. So I always wore "tightie whities" growing up, and now Polo briefs by Jockey, which are cotton and very comfortable.

And for my feminine expression we all know that I'm not allowed by society (or at least my own inhibitions) to wear feminine clothing articles unless I'm fully expressing myself as a woman.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you both for your postings and hope you continue.

Emma

Hi Sara,

Thankfully I have a great therapist. The best I've ever had, and he's helped me tremendously. And no, I don't mind your asking at all, and thank you for your interest.

Regardless of having a great therapist I'm of course often thinking about things, and I've found that posting on this blog has helped me sort things out. When I started writing this one I really didn't know what the end was going to be. But as I reached the last paragraph the end became more obvious. I think it's worth posting because I really do like hearing feedback and ideas. It feels good to feel like I'm in a friendly community like TG Guide. And I also hope that others may find my writing helpful because they're going through similar issues.

Thanks so much for your kind words and wishes. I wish you only the best as well.

Sincerely,

Emma

A follow up to my comment about the "crossdresser" label, please. I visited Carla's in San Jose today and spent about twenty minutes with Aejaie, the woman who bought the boutique from Carla four years ago.

I told her about my feelings regarding the word "crossdresser" and she told me (in a nice way) that crossdressers would not like my comment that it's all about the clothes. She corrected my understanding that crossdressers want to project their feminine persona perhaps just like a transgender person like myself. The difference being that they're generally happy with their male gender and simply enjoy the experience(s).

So, I can stand corrected. The differences between crossdresser and transgender may be subtle at least at the end of the spectrum where I am. But I'm sticking with my transgender label for myself as the crossdresser one still doesn't fit for me.

Emma

Hey Warren,

I'm glad you had such a nice time with your sister and sorry those feelings went down the crapper with your boyfriend. That just sucks, especially after having such a great day, with your being recognized as a male.

Sounds to me like you need to have a heart-to-heart adult-to-adult conversation with your boyfriend (after you're both calm) about your feelings, and see how he reacts and what he says. It's painful to go through these things but we all do with our partners. After, you'll have a sense of whether or not you see yourself staying with him and no matter what, you can say to yourself that you did the right thing. I hope you take this as friendly advice from a friend, that's all it is. I may be reading the situation all wrong, which would be no surprise.

Good luck,

Emma

I'd like to add a comment about the label "crossdresser." I don't like it, at least for me, at all. The reason is that it's as if it's all about the clothes, which it most definitely is not for me. I do like the feel of the fabric used in feminine clothing. But if that same feeling is present in masculine clothing it just doesn't do it for me. Why? Because what I think it's really about is my expression of myself with a feminine gender.

Just before Halloween I visited a dance/costume store and bought a leotard and tights on the excuse that I needed them for a costume. (Yes, I'm a chicken. At least I'm free range organic.) The tights they provided were for male dancers - which I didn't want of course, but how could I refuse or ask for lady's? The leotard had a turtleneck which practically choked me so I had to exchange that. And while driving to the store I realized that the male tights were pretty expensive "for one night." So, I exchanged those too, for less expensive women's tights that are lighter weight. Success!

Emma

Hey Warren,

I'm not sixty yet, dude. :-) And yeah, if my wife's cool, who cares? She's still a bit on the fence and I can't tell which way she's leaning. From past experience I have some worries. But shoot, why worry? Just enjoy each moment as it comes.

You take care, Warren. You rock.

Emma

Hi Michel,

I love you, not hate you, I've decided. It's been four months since you wrote this so I imagine a lot has happened. Why don't you post an update? We'd all like to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Emma

Hi Warren,

You know what, it was your post that spawned this idea of mine to write mine. I'll tell you, man, I don't like boxers at all! Never have. But heck, good on you, dude, for wearing what makes you feel good and alright with yourself.

And I agree it's like an addiction at times. Which makes me wonder if I need to simply stand up to that addiction. But at my age, approaching sixty (OMG!) I think it's fair to say that it's more than an addiction for me. I don't know how much more and that's part of what I'm trying to figure out.

Anyway, thank you for your comment. I value you and your words more than you will ever know.

Sincerely,

Emma

Right on, Warren! Excellent and helpful advice.

Emma

Good for you, Karen, good for you. We have to always be our own advocates and not simply accept what authority dictates. Fortunately it sounds like yours was open to discussion. If not it's time to move on.

I'm excited for you. What a great 2015 to look forward to!

Emma

Hey Warren,

Glad to hear you had so much fun today. Your zombie-ness would've scared me! You're cool, dude. :-)

Emma

Hi Michael,

I love hearing how others feel about issues like this. I'd never thought of what you said but it all makes sense.

I thought about entering "male" but I entered transgender because I am enjoying a freedom to be me, here.

Lastly, I'm glad you're enjoying the photos. I'm no pro but I'm tickled to have this opportunity to share them as well as some of their background.

Thank you,

Emma

Hey Warren,

Yeah, get the heck out out of there if you can. He sounds scary to me, and it's not right for management to ignore his behavior. But it is what it is and you need to take care of yourself.

And have a great Halloween! Me? I'll be Emma, if only on the inside!

Best,

Emma

Hey Warren,

Yes, these forms and so forth are a drag. And I agree that the people at the clinics can be kind of weird and intimidating. Like you said, if you're going there what does that say about you?

Nothing, nada, zippo. You're you, you're here, and we love you. That's all I have to say. Well, not everything.

Like I wrote the other day, take a breath, have a cup of coffee. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. (If you do smoke; don't start because I said so!) One idea is to think of some of the things you can be grateful for. Such as:

- Your mother. Sure, she's a pain at times, but like you said, you love her. What is it mostly that you love about her?

- Your father. I guess it's been a long time since he died. But maybe you have some good memories or stories about him?

- Your boss at work. Hey, he didn't fire you, right?

I don't know, Warren, shoot, I'm sitting here at my computer and thinking about you. Watch the video at the link I sent to you. The woman, Brynn, is an MTF so she's not exactly like you, sure. But she speaks the truth for all of us, I think. I hope you'll find some inspiration there.

You're a good person, Warren, I can tell.

Best,

Emma

Hi Warren,

This afternoon I've been thinking about what I will write and post tomorrow morning. I am planning on providing this link to Brynn Tannehill's speech that she gave at the 2014 TransPride Pittsburgh National Convention about a month ago: http://transperience.tv/i-am-real/

I think it's brilliant, fantastic, and right on. Something we should all internalize. I may watch it myself every day for a couple of weeks.

Best,

Emma

I like the name Warren a lot, Warren. It's serious, steadfast, and trustworthy. But also warm, with great big hugs for friends and family. I like it also that while it's immediately recognizable it's also not common. It's all yours!

And thank you so much for telling me that Emma Sweet is adorable. I love it. That's exactly what I hope people feel about me and my name.

Best,

Emma

Dear Warren,

Glad to hear you still have your job but of course sorry to hear about the conflict with others. Good for you for sticking up for yourself in a calm and factual way. It's hard to do, believe me I know, but it's the right way. A friend of mine once suggested that it's best that we "hold the high ground" when in these situations. This means that we do as you did, not descend into childish behaviors as she did. That way, even if she refuses to listen or continues to attack, you'll know in your heart that you did the right thing. And hey, if it gets escalated to your boss no one can fault you for how you handled it, right? :-)

Regarding the counselor: yeah, it's hard to think about opening up, especially after so many others haven't really listened. He or she may very well be one more of the same, for sure. More likely, that person is a trained professional who really wants to help. So if you detect that they aren't really listening or hearing you (or maybe also wondering it's "just a phase") call them on it. Just like you did at work: calmly say something like, "I don't understand what's going on here at the moment, and hope you can help me. I'm telling you what's really going on for me but I'm not sure I'm being heard, which worries me because I really want some help. Am I misunderstanding something?"

Best,

Emma

Dear Warren,

I sure know what you mean about some days are good and some days aren't. And also, living with secrecy. Quite literally, it sucks big time.

I think you took the right step to put down the knife and walk away. I hope you don't get fired, of course, but on the scale of bad vs. worse, harming yourself is much worse.

I'm a little reluctant to offer suggestions since we don't know each other and I don't want to come off like some sort of know-it-all. But what the heck, here's a couple:

- Go take a walk, get outside, and look around. Get some air into your lungs and head. Try to think of things you're grateful for.

- Get a blank book and write a couple (no more than two) pages. Just sit there and write it out. (I use those black Moleskin books.) I often find that I'll start writing and surprise, surprise, after a few sentences or paragraphs, I'll start coming up with some positive ideas to help myself.

And consider calling your boss to explain and beg forgiveness. He/she would appreciate your having the consideration of letting them know what's up. Sure, you may need to stretch the truth a bit, but just tell them that you were suddenly feeling pretty crappy and felt that it was better to split without notice than possibly make a mess in the kitchen. I think they'll put two and two together and give you another chance.

Best of luck to you and thanks for writing.

Emma

Hi Lori,

I'm intrigued by the idea of starting a blog here but I'm not sure I can tell what I need to do. I cannot find something called "control panel" but looked at all the sub-menus offered for me, and cannot find a place such as "start your own blog" or something. Am I just missing something obvious?

Thank you,

Emma