Blackangel

I’ve been trying to form a smile today, but I don’t have the physical ability to do it. It’s been decades since the last time I actually smiled. It’s not that I choose not to. But I’ve always had my face in a blank expression, or an angry one. I honestly don’t know how to make that happen anymore. I don’t smile because I usually just don’t. I’m numb as it is, but I didn’t know a person could lose this kind of ability.

I bruised my left lung about a week ago. The pain is so extreme that I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Breathing is excruciating. Moving is excruciating. I have to sleep sitting upright because if I lay down the pain in trying to get up is so severe that all I can do is scream and fall back down on the bed. So I’m going to be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future. Extra Strength acetaminophen has pretty much become like candy. My doctor is sending a scrip to the pharmacy. This pain is at the level of wishing for death. If I have to go check into the hospital, I don’t care what it costs. I’m going to fight them to make them put me in a medically induced coma. Or throw me off the roof.

I’m so envious of cis people that it’s about to make me cry. They were born correctly, whereas we weren’t. We are the ones lucky enough to have had things go horribly wrong in utero. Cis people obviously have it easier, but more importantly they identify with their gender. They have the correct anatomy. As I said in a post recently, I want the uterus, cervix, ovaries, etc. The woman who has that is making me green with envy. I hate being halfway to who I should have been. By that I mean my mind and brain are entirely female, but my body is male. There are psychologists that believe a possible reason that could explain gender dysphoria is that, in utero the brain literally develops as one sex, but the body develops as the other. It’s an interesting theory in my opinion. But it doesn’t help anything. I still have the wrong 🤬 body. I wish science was advanced to the point that there was a device that could permanently switch two people’s consciousness’s. So that I and a thansman could trade bodies so that we were finally correct. But that will unfortunately never be a reality. I mourn myself. Jennifer never existed in the beginning. There was only an extremely confused, angry, and all around miserable Jared. He is finally dead, and Jennifer is here but still no more happy than before. Yet, cis people are closer to being happy that I ever will be. They can go out the door and are what their body is. They don’t have to try so hard to be seen as who they are. I can’t go out in basketball shorts and a tank top but be seen as female. I have to wear specifically women’s clothes to have a chance of being seen as who I am. And a lot of the time it still doesn’t make a difference. I’m still misgendered. Often the people who are misgendering me are doing it intentionally. Simply because they’re bigots who want to be an 🤬 to try to show some fake superiority. I’d rather be a crippled platypus than a crippled transwoman. This and all the physical diseases I have keep pushing my depression into overtime and I try to kill myself. I tried just a few days ago but, unfortunately, I wasn’t successful and am still here. If I was successful, Adrianne would be released to find a real man who is worthy of her, instead of being stuck with a half and half freak. I truly hate life. Everything about myself, I despise. I’m like Poe in that respect. Born in misery, lived in misery, died in misery. All that’s left is to finally die.

Where did we go wrong? How did we devolve into such a state that simple education is threatened by bigots? History and science are all but gone from the entire curriculum. Kids today will have no clue what a chromosome is, or what the civil war was. This is one of the most sickening times in recent American memory. There was even a man who wanted to eliminate math for being “woke”, whatever that is. When I was a kid, they didn’t hold back. They told us what American history was like. And they didn’t use any tact. Now the mere mention of slavery and the civil war is cause for immediate firing and huge fines. It seems that we’re the only ones that are ruled by cowards that are so fragile that they will completely collapse over anything that could possibly make them uncomfortable. I don’t see this kind of fascist 🤬 happening anywhere else. At least not in the civilized world. I want to puke up stuff I ate when I was 6. This 🤬 enrages me so 🤬 bad that I want to throw out the most vicious vulgarities imaginable. At some point I’m sure I would even end up creating a few new ones. They want us to be both ignorant and stupid. This is what the “greatest country on earth” is doing to its citizens. This is the freedom we brag so heavily about. I’m ready to move to a shack in Saudi Arabia or North Korea where at least I know that I hold no value. Not somewhere that tries to cover it up with lies and full on deception.

I didn't plan on it. From what I hear, she's pretty much gone insane in the last few years. I also heard she has 3 kids and no clue who the father is. So apparently she sleeps around quite a bit. That's drama that I neither need nor want in my life. I have my own baggage to deal with, I don't want to be a bellhop for people I don't give half a rat's *** about.

The freaky thing is that she lives with her parents who only live about 2 miles from me. We're practically in the same neighborhood. I know this because I drive by their house all the time when I have to go out, and see her a lot, thought she thankfully doesn't seem to notice me. Taking that route is unavoidable unless I want to add extra miles. And with the price of gas, I can't afford that. Still I just want to know why I'm thinking about her so much, and how to get her out of my head.

I don't want her. That's not the issue. The issue is her being in my head. I want to be free of her again, but she just stays in my head like gum in my hair. But peanut butter ain't gonna fix this one.

I’m having a hell of a time getting my ex out of my mind. I don’t know why, but she’s in my mind constantly. I can’t get her out. We broke up more than 20 years ago. But she is invading my mind and thoughts all the time. I ended things because I caught her cheating on me. I was in love with her. She broke my heart. But the memories are like locusts. They violate my thoughts every day. I think “What if….” all the time. I don’t know how to get rid of her. Adrianne isn’t happy about it, but says she understands. The thing is that until a few years ago, she NEVER crossed my mind. She and I were engaged. But all of a sudden, I was thinking about her all the time. I have no clue why. Help?

The sad fact of the matter is that a lot of people will start throwing around complaints like "police state" or "detention centers". I replied to a YouTube video last year, offering ideas about things that could be tried to protect our children, such as armed security and bulletproof glass. Apparently that means I was trying to imprison children the same as the Nazis did in WW2. I never knew that I was a Nazi. Without our children, there is not hope for the future of this country. Dust won't give you back the Colosseum. New gun reform is more crucial today than ever. I'm a gun owner, and have a permit. I go to a shooting range and clean my guns regularly. I carry, only for the fact that I'm scared for my safety when I'm forced to go out. It's not a fashion statement. At least not one I would choose. I look around, and I see people losing their minds whining about their "second amendment rights" when they haven't even read the second amendment. If they had, they would have known that it only applies to a militia that is needed to protect and defend the country. It doesn't give citizens the right to own thirty AR-15's and have your children each holding one for a picture to send as a xmas card. You can thank Lyin' Boebert for that one. Despite being a gun owner, it should be a lot more difficult to obtain a firearm, and just as difficult to acquire the ammunition. The background checks should go deeper, and take more time to more thoroughly go through a persons background. If they farted on a ham sandwich when they were 6, that should be something they should know as that implies malicious behaviour from said 6 year old. (I was the 6 year old. Don't ask.) But then again, put 20 monkeys in a room, they won't give you Shakespeare.

Like most everyone here, I didn’t “become” a woman. I just quit pretending to be a man. Mike didn’t “become” a man. He quit pretending to be a woman. I’m just scared that some of the things that are happening to us are on my head simply because I’m a transgender woman. I feel like those things are ruining Adrianne’s life because she’s with me. While I have to carry a diamond shield and armor, she doesn’t have any reason to need the same. If she was with a real man, her life would be immensely better. At least that’s what I think. She tells me I’m crazy when I say that, but the majority of the time, I think she’s just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. Depression is a major bitch. I’m manic as hell, a lot more these days. My medication doesn’t seem to be working like it used to.

I’m laying here in bed with Adrianne. We were talking, and I asked her what I’m going to ask here. Is it wrong of me to wish I had never come out, and just continued to live as a man? It would be so incredibly much easier, but a lot more miserable too. I just don’t know what to think. So is it wrong of me to wish I had kept it to myself. That would be easier…… right? I guess I’m just scared to death about all the 🤬 that is happening against us. I fear for our lives just checking the mail. We have a court date this week, and I’m scared they’re going to rule against us simply because I’m trans. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can be who I really am, or pretend to be someone I’m not.

My pitbull Lady had to be put down today. It still hasn’t fully sunk in yet, despite the fact that I’ve been bawling my eyes out all day. I wish it had been me who died today instead of her. I want to die. Life’s not worth living without her. She was my goddess. My heart and soul. I fell in love with her the instant I saw her picture online all those years ago. It’s been more than 10 years, but that was still not enough time. I’m going to find the best portrait artist in the country, and get her tattooed on me, with some of her ashes mixed into the ink. I know how to make jailhouse ink, so I’m thinking of giving myself a couple tats. I also know how to build a tattoo machine. I wish I knew exactly how old she was, but being that she was a rescue, and full grown when I got her, I honestly don’t know how old she was. I wrote something today, but at the moment I’m on my phone, which means I’ve probably made 40 typos and other screwups by now. If I can remember to, I’ll post what I wrote. It’s swear free, but like all my writings, dark. Depending on how you look at it.

I am Satanic. I'm also Hellenistic, but we'll put that aside for this discussion. I'm a card carrying member of The Satanic Temple (TST). TST itself is a very active "church" if you will. We host protests and petition for religious equality and bodily autonomy. You have probably heard of the protest to place a Baphomet statue alongside the ten commandments monument on the grounds of the state capitol in Arkansas. Our view was that if one religion had the right to erect it's monument, then all religions should have the right. The backlash was huge, but our goal was achieved. It brought attention to the situation, which is all we wanted. Also in Scottsdale Arizona they have refused Satanic invocations at city council meetings but allowed Christians to give prayers at the meetings. That's another fight. We have our 7 tenets, the same way any religion has it's views. 1) One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason. 2) The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions. 3) One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone. 4) The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own. 5) Beliefs should conform to one's best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one's beliefs. 6) People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one's best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused. 7) Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word. We believe that every individual should strive to be the best person they can. Sure most religions do, but many do not adhere to that. Valerie Tarico of Salon wrote that the tenets were egalitarian and "truer to the words of Jesus Christ than most Christians," referring to the tenets as expressing the primacy of compassion and empathy and conducive to a path to equanimity. We disagree with other Satanic organizations, and have been slandered by some. Our spokesperson is Lucien Greaves. He is the one to look to if you have questions. Also anyone who has Hulu should check out the documentary Hail Satan? as it's a great insight. You can also check the website as it gives a lot of insight to our activities. There's so much in our organization that I think a lot of people would consider joining if they only knew what it was. I'm not seeking conversions, just enlightenment's. I am a better person because of being Satanic. It has helped me reach an understanding that otherwise I never would have thought of. It has made me a stronger woman. I'm able to be the woman I am because of the teachings of Satanism. Below are a couple pics of actual billboards that we have put up.

This country has gone completely loco. It used to be really rare for a shooting like we see now. Especially school shootings. Now they’re almost a daily occurrence. It seems that the most dangerous ages to be are from 3 to 9 years old. Children are in extreme danger anymore. If I was a parent, I would find the money to pull my kid out of school and hire a tutor. It seems that’s the only way to keep kids safe. Why the hell is this happening? That’s what I want to know. I’m also wondering if it has somehow become a sick rite of passage or something. Do the shooters even think prior to doing this? And if they do (highly unlikely) what thoughts do they have that could possibly justify killing the innocent? The children killed have never even had the opportunity to really start their lives. I’m just at a complete loss right now. I just wonder if the flags should just be left at half mast permanently. And often, the shooter is killed by law enforcement. Was that their ultimate goal? Were they ever taught any kind of morals? Do they have a hidden history of violence in any fashion? I’m as misanthropic as it gets, but I would never harm a child. Adults is a different story. But children are COMPLETELY OFF LIMITS. No one has the right to harm a child. I was beaten literally daily until I was 18 when my sperm donor finally died. I have intervened several times when I’ve been out to block the abuse aimed at a child. I just can’t possibly fathom why anyone would do such a thing.