ScottishDeeDee

hahaha, love it.  Jess I have to say that my nails are bottom of the list, they tend to grow well and quite fast but strengthening them would be a good idea too so let us know if the Sally Hansen stuff works, but I have actually booked a consultation for hair removal next Saturday - they will talk me through my options and the cost - they have a YAG laser? I'll have the kids so I hope my sisters are floating about for babysitting duties - otherwise if they have to come with me that could be an interesting discussion!  I think a Zen garden might be a good idea too Christy - I'd love something like that but need to put the effort in first!  

Aw Christy Thank you so much. 😙 Being passable was not the aim last night, being free was, which is why I hadn't bothered with foundation - I was just practising, though if I can one day get to a point where I could pass without all the makeup I would be delighted! but I will definitely take the compliment! 😊😊😊

 

Loved your PI story - I've always enjoyed mystery novels and thrillers, did you ever find the pencil thief?

I had a very relaxed evening and even managed to get back to sleep after waking up early today so I am still in my girly pj's only just sat with my morning coffee and genuinely beaming.

I had to give myself a mental note to remove the nail varnish before I go out though (and some eyeliner I seemed to have missed last night that stuff is tough to get on well and tougher to take off properly it is so close to the lashes) - blue is not a subtle or manly colour for nails!

I know that Amazon UK has recently started a wardrobe type service like that and my ex used to use a catalogue that did something similar - try before you buy, if you know your measurements then go for it. I am fortunate that other than my shoulders a lot of my features are smaller and more feminine anyway - my hands and feet are small for a mans and my jaw is not different from my sisters. I always suited feminine jewellery more than the chunkier male jewellery which was why I just didn't wear any.

Anyway thank you girls for making me smile.  

24 minutes ago, Jessicatoyou said:

I didn't know whether to react with a like or a Haha; wanted to do both!💜😁

I am glad thank you for your kindness! I was just being honest with myself and it brought back a memory so I thought I would share.  We have recently had temps of 18.c (64.5 f?) - highest for February in centuries but of course global warming is a myth so its just a fluke we should be grateful for.  I know I can wear ladies jeans and look okay, but while they are cut differently they are still jeans and I have worn them for years, what I look forward to is getting some new tops to go with them.  I always admired girls that could pull off wearing daisy dukes at the seaside in more ways than one - but the only time I have seen any of my female friends wear shorts is to play sports, and even then most of them prefer leggings and a loose top. I will wish you good luck on your spring mission - do not be too self critical - going shopping in that frame of mind stops you from ever finding something you like, but if you do find some please let us in on the secret! 💛

14 minutes ago, Christy said:

Can you imagine your wife with a beard?

I cannot comment on the in and outs of this because my marriage ended already, but I know that even though I am not with her I am genuinely happy that  my ex is happier with her new partner now and that our relationship is amicable. Being able to talk things through and trying to see things from your spouses perspective are so important in a solid relationship, I just want to let you know that I'm rooting for you both and that I truly hope that you are able to stay with the people that you love. 

Wow! That is amazing news! yay!!!!

6 hours ago, Jessicatoyou said:

Before you know it, you'll be in.

Thanks Jess, unfortunately with hospital appointments here you take what you are given and if a cancellation does come up they will give you a phone if you were next in the list. It was a pleasant phone call though so I know my name will have a good feeling associated with it. I am not in a hurry - it took me 40 years to stop and realise something was wrong, there's no need to rush now, I just have to make sure I do everything right and for the right reasons. I have plenty to be getting on with though, I have a pride event in May to look forward to going to with my niece and I want to start on hair removal asap which will involve lots of trips up and down the road, and I want to go to my supportive friends and let them meet Dee as well as telling my younger sisters and mum - so you are right - the summer will soon pass!

2 hours ago, Emma said:

October is a long time to wait, that's for sure. As you said it gives you time to become more familiar and sure of yourself

Thank you Emma, 🤗 the time is obviously just right now, the massive knot I have had in my shoulder blades for the last month has all but disappeared, and the fears seem a bit more manageable.

 

Free healthcare for all was a wonderful idea that is being ruined by greedy politicians.

The NHS is notoriously understaffed and underpaid, so waiting lists are common, the benefit is that I know I will be able to tap into professionals and any medical care without having to save up for it (though I am currently intending on using the money I was spending on counselling to start hair removal)

Someone once talked about a service triangle and it is very true - something can either be done cheaply, done quickly, or done well - but you can only ever get two out of three at most otherwise the time, cost or quality need to change.

💛

 

 

2 hours ago, Emma said:

Isn’t it amazing how doing something as simple as that puts your feelings in perspective?

Absolutely, I wouldn't have trusted this list if I had tried to make it when I first started questioning because I would have tied myself up in knots wondering if I was making connections that weren't there.

From where I am now though I know it is reassuring to know that my feelings have been recurring on and off with varying intensity for years and it definitely quiets some of my inner critic's voice. It may also help when I come to talk to my mum which I hope to do later this year.

It is almost but not quite exciting... 💛

Thanks Christy, it wasn't graphic but I have tried to edit it to be more vague and people friendly, if needed it can be removed or edited. 

I find my male urges more annoying and inappropriate than anything else, and would happily not have to worry about it. 🤭 I never realised when I started that my list would be quite this long without trying! I kind of thought this had all come about out of the blue.

 

Dee’s "List"

 

pre school

Used to fixate on women's tights and would grab and run my hands on them (one of my mums favourite embarrassing stories about me)

 

Primary/Infant school

Would play dress up with my sisters and perform songs and plays we made up

Would play with their dolls and often joined the girls in their games - homemaking, handstands, cartwheels, roller skates, hopscotch (and my sisters when at home)

Would share bed with big sister when she had nightmares

Used to look through my mothers clothing catalogues

Loved brushing and braiding my sisters hair

Often made fun of for being the “new kid”, so very quiet and socially awkward

Often burst out crying - eldest sister was the one who settled all the fights.

Started being bullied for not swearing and started paying more attention to fitting in.

 

Academy/High School

Did drama at school - wore tights and leotards a few times and found it nervy but exciting, played an ugly stepsister in a drama and appeared in full (ott) makeup in front of the school.

Was once complimented by a girl doing my eye makeup who told me the shade really brought out my eyes.

Grew my hair down to my shoulders and was often complimented by hairdressers about the fineness of my hair

Started being mistaken for a girl when working in local supermarket (I remember a child asking, mummy whats that girl doing? When I was shelf stacking and her mum being mortified when I turned around)

Regularly read books “for girls” (Bunty, Nancy Drew but got books from my gran - Mills and Boon, also adult fiction that included adult scenes)

Started borrowing sisters clothes to dress up, discovered I liked it for self gratification - skirts, leotards, swimming costumes, lingerie, tights - risk, reward, shame cycle repeated over and over.

Would put on makeup and attempt to feminise myself - often posing in front of the mirror.

Once or twice went outside at night in the dark wearing my sisters clothes

Used to look through my mothers clothing catalogues

The internet became faster and popular - I used to research different types of porn late at night to be able to blend with my bragging male classmates.

Socially awkward, bullied and called “gay” frequently, but made some good female friends and a few male friends

Would cry sometimes because I worried I would not find someone to love me

Dreamed of having a family

 

- 20s

Predominantly female friends - enjoy going out dancing and karaoke over pub crawls/soccer pubs 

Female friends often became friends to get to my male friends and vice versa - I was usually the non threatening, non sought after go between.

Would go clothes shopping with female friends and give them outfit advice.

Was once asked by a friend to help her find her something for her boyfriend out of an Ann Summers shop.

Played as female characters when in solo computer games, but male online.

Have always worked in predominantly female areas (social and care work) and felt comfortable.

Still researching online sites to blend in with the vulgar male pub talk, Internet now useable with broadband and video.

(Looking back I think my choices were geared towards the idea of becoming or being treated as a girl and wearing frilly dresses, not the other aspects.)

I've always preferred giving pleasure to receiving it and enjoy seeing my partner enjoy themselves.

I would buy female clothes and be the woman in my fantasy then purge in disgust

Planned and bought clothes to dress as Velma from Scooby Doo one halloween and was equal parts relieved and gutted when the party was called off.

Once I was in a friends shower washing off stage makeup from a Harvey Two Face costume I had made and worn during a Halloween party and a female friend came in and used the loo, chatting to me while I was in the shower. She had been drinking, but not enough she didn’t know I was in there and we were not close friends.

I got married, had children, wife asked me to have vasectomy and did so without hesitation or worries about losing my manhood.

Regularly try to remember and delete "x" after texts when directing them at male and female friends so no one takes them the wrong way.

I did a lot of the home making & child rearing because I enjoyed it and while my wife was ill or just not doing it.

Found myself joining in even more to “mum” discussions about children/cleaning/dieting etc.

Started having funks - low points where work was hard to focus on and I did not have the energy to do anything, still able to keep up with commitments - these can last for months and eventually go away but have never really been dealt with.

Early in the marriage we saw a documentary about a crossdresser and his wife and she said if she ever caught me in her clothes she would leave in a heartbeat, I kept my desires and dressing secret except for once or twice asking gentle questions or making semi-serious jokes about roleplaying in the bedroom - her interest in sex (with me anyway) disappeared as soon as the kids were born so nothing ever happened, but meant I continued to pleasure myself when urges became distracting..

 

- 30s

Would sometimes wear wife’s clothes when she was away and self pleasure

Would buy sexy female clothes telling myself they were for my wife and then I would play her role in the fantasy (or we would swap roles) then purge in disgust.

Would wear wifes clothes for emotional comfort when she was in hospital for extended periods.

Would go on works night out with all female friends - wife was jealous I was out and not giving times to come back in but not that I was out with women.

Once or twice I wore my wifes clothes when I came home drunk and she was in bed uninterested.

I once woke up in her clothes after coming home and passing out with no memory of dressing - thankfully it was still nighttime and she was still in bed. 

When I had the house to myself I would wear her makeup and perfume while dressed as her.

Still secretly playing games as female characters - only now they are much more realistic.

Discovered fem stories and that I liked the idea of being “forced” to be female and outed in front of others.

During first two break ups I would sometimes paint my nails and spend days “as a woman” in the house, just lounging around.

 

Marriage dissolved, wife left me for the third time and is instantly with another man friend she has known for years and was with last time we separated, I struggle to feel angry but accept that this time no matter what I do or change my marriage is not saveable.

 

One month later I went to a D&D fancy dress party as a woman character and enjoyed being a girl in public.

 

Totally removed all of my body hair and wore a bra and panties even though I didn’t really need to - suddenly realised I do not want to grow my hair back.

Started looking up information on transvestism, being gender fluid and finally transgender.

Started packing up wifes clothes to send them to her (she'd left all the clothes that did not fit her on either side and I literally could not get to my bed to sleep - after 2-3 weeks I realised if I did not pack them it wasn't getting done)

While packing I tried on some outfits and dresses and one of her wigs and surprised myself by looking at a smiling and really contented woman in the mirror.

-40’s

Started blogging as Sadie and joined a TG Forum site  - discovered others had similar thoughts and experiences and they already knew they were transgender and many either had already or are in process of transitioning.

Started under dressing to see if I liked it - bras, pants, socks found myself calmer

Started wearing clear nail polish and womens deodorant - I cannot bring myself to wear mens aftershave or deodorant anymore.

Started buying practical female clothes because I want to wear them discovered my sizes are average.

Started working with a trans friendly counsellor online - used male pronouns and dress.

Started to use my female characters online as well - instead of having 2 saves.

Told older sisters I was questioning my gender and was given some 2nd hand clothes to try on and bought womens lotions and pjs for Christmas - loved them!

Started to accept I am not cisgender and therefore must be trans in some way.

Changed my name to Dee online, after my sister called me it a few times over chat - love being perceived and treated as a woman in all my onlne interactions

Discovered female point of view porn but although the urge is still frequently there - it is harder to do so “as a guy” and am genuinely confused as to what to watch or read.

Wore female jeans and jumper in front of sister at Christmas and both of us felt normal.

Regularly dress in female clothes, makeup and wig and just do housework, or read and find it relaxes me - starting to feel like when I am in male clothes I am “dressing up”.

Found TGguide through Emma and others openly sharing their experiences without the pressure of "You should transition", was finally able to take a breath now the expectation was not there.

Asked Counsellor to use female pronouns and call me Dee so I can see what it is like in real life.

Daydreaming about being Dee publicly and at work

Dressed as Dee for my counselling session

Dressed as Dee and went for a drive and a forest walk in public and felt content and care free but not aroused in any way. I was nervous but genuinely did not have some of the big feelings I was expecting.

 

And now I am reviewing my list and wondering what I'm going to be talking about with my counsellor at our next session.

XX

Hi Tilly, I cannot give you marriage advice because mine collapsed shortly before I started with all my questions and I never plucked up the courage to tell my wife I sometimes wore her clothes, not sure if I ever will really - but anyways - it is too early to worry about work - I was wearing a bra under my clothes last week as I have sometimes discovered I feel better doing so - and was unexpectedly hugged by two women I know, I figured that they could easily have felt the bra under my clothes but decided to claim it was just a sports strapping for a sore shoulder if anyone asked - which they didn't. Don't be overly worried about your work until you need to be, unless you regularly need to change in front of others it should be fine - you have enough on your plate.  Be as careful as you need to but do not rush into everything, you and your partner will need time to process and adjust as you go along, but do not jump to any conclusions on her behalf or yours it is unknown territory for both of you. It must be a big weight off you at the same time as adding more uncertainty though. 😌

"These few hours with this crowd has been the some of most enjoyable time I have spent in recent memory, even though it was just hanging out and watching anime."

 

Well done Tilly - That was a brave step, I am so glad that you enjoyed your time out with your friends! 💛

Oh Christy - that is a lot of Yeps! - I couldn't choose to like your post and say thanks, so I just chose thanks so that you know it means more to me than just making me smile (do you ever stop and wonder if those photo shoot pictures still exist in a file somewhere). 

4 hours ago, Christy said:

I Became proud of myself and who I am. Confidence is key, I never cower. I remember about a year ago I did the same thing you did.

I hope to build my confidence as I go, I was explaining to my therapist that while part of me wants to just ignore everything and go back to before I started questioning, the other part knows I cannot put the genie back in the bottle and am effectively along for the ride until I get to where I am supposed to be.

It may sound selfish but to have people relate similar or almost identical experiences to mine, helps me to know I am in the right place and doing the right thing. If no one could understand what I am going through then I would be hoping to get let down gently by a group of people who couldn't relate and sent on my way.

So thanks to everyone who has responded.  

Thank you Emma, that is really nice of you to say 🤭 I only have to cover 150 miles but most of it is winding single carriageway and the occasional VERY small village.  This was so much scarier than when I've bought nail polish or clothes in a store but I know that in that situation my own paranoia makes me nervous, shopkeepers really do not care one way or another unless you are rude to them. There are a couple of tea rooms closer but they are so small I would feel too conspicuous.

Because until 6 months ago I have only ever associated dressing for solo sexual gratification there are a lot of shameful feelings and the things I used to buy and purge I would never have been brave or stupid enough to gift a woman and expect her to wear without being slapped. The party was the first time I had dressed in front of others as a female and was for the completely mundane reason of a fancy dress party. The pleasure I felt being talked to in the D&D game as a woman combined with enjoying wearing the clothes and being completely smooth skinned for the first time since puberty was what really shook me and started me down this path as I needed to find out why my feelings were so intense.

It does still mean that I carry the shame of dressing for my entire teen and adult life in secret and meant that when I finally told my older sisters I also apologised for borrowing their clothes (especially when my sister remembered getting totally yelled at for laddering a pair of my mums good tights which she had not touched - and with my revelation I was the likely culprit - I've always loved the look and feel of tights, as a toddler I had a habit of touching them wherever I saw them which my mum had to apologise for frequently, turns out I like them on me too).

I am really only just getting to a point where I am not ashamed and embarrassed of wanting to be seen as a woman by others, but honestly it is a constant battle not helped by the fact that it is still effectively a secret, which in my mind makes me "guilty" even if the reasons for not outing myself yet are wise. The first time I dress for myself in front of my friends which I hope will be later this year will be a big test for me and may involve tears - but I am not there yet! 

18 minutes ago, Jessicatoyou said:

That feeling of nervousness, fear and anxiety will quickly be replaced with peace, comfort and serenity.  Before you know it you'll be driving 2 1/2 hours for that simple cup of coffee!

I do hope so, it better be a good cup of coffee! 🤔

5 hours ago, Jessicatoyou said:

By the way, you look fantastic, too. You have nothing to worry about or be fearful of. I adore your coat!

Aww! Thank you Jess 🤗 I think I am my own worst enemy sometimes and when I am feeling negative all those fears and worries come bubbling out.

I find my thoughts berating me and telling me I am not really trans and that I do not belong here, or that I am just cross dressing to get cheap thrills (which was the case for years until I started thinking about it seriously), but when I share my thoughts or what has been on my mind and someone says they "know the feeling" that inner critic has to be silent.

Recently I was commenting on someone else's blog about the hidden statistics of trans people who haven't accessed UK services and they replied, "You asked your counsellor to call you Dee, and it feels right. You will come out soon enough." I do not share her confidence, and initially I was not sure how to take her response but that someone further along their personal journey of discovery than me assumes it is just a question of time is actually kind of nice.

For me being outside my house for the first time has been so important and is so much scarier than anything else I have done, it made me vulnerable to others even if I chose a place where that number would be low!