stephani

Oh hun, it's becoming ever evident to me that relationships are over rated , for 23 years now I have been a truck driving diesel dyke and at this point of my like I can say proud to be, I have always felt I needed to have " that someone waiting at home " and so I did just that convenient relationships ones that understand I come home seldom and am in no way interested in going out after getting home. Is this fare no I suppose not yet I pay all the bills, do all the household work when I get home and don't want, need sexual interactions, I have gone without for so long I am no longer interested.

Is it a bad thing this being alone, set in our ways, I think He'll No, your lists of why you live alone gave me a bit of a chuckle because a lot of the list was my thoughts for me. Connection is a wonderful thing but so is a bit of are you kidding me what the hell adds a lot to ones life, I can get that from co workers, or friends and some times from my beagle Skipper trust me he is a joy, a pain, a wonderful addition, no not everyone wants or needs a pet/fur baby but for some of us just what we need.

I am glad to know a bit more about you I love having you just a tap on the screen away, your opinions matter and the site Bennifits from your being here.

Hugs hun

Interesting, I have the same feelings about those who criticize or mock or ridicule any one that does not fit into the generally accepted gender binary they are afraid of receiving the same treatment so they often times will not pursue their true want and desire to pursue that in which they desire most, the unknown factor the other gender what ever you or they wish to call it, I myself could care less about their sexual desires ( as far as the male species is concerned ), and since I am in a relationship nor am I seeking the affections of another. It is at times flattering to hear one thing from their mouths then see their true feelings in body and facial expressions, it is really quite comical in my opinion.

So to say they who torment those within the nonconforming gender binary are truly seeking affections and responses to increase their self worth and attain some sort of dominant stance over yet another conquest within their lives. Yes I believe this is true enough.

Stephani

Welcome, and thank you for sharing your life and plans with us all.

Hugs

Stephani

(1) give me the basic (without names or using fictitious names) description of the type of relationship you are/were involved in,

OK, The relationship Prior to transition for me was one of a woman playing a heterosexual Males Role, unfortunately in doing so for the first 9 Years of our relationship/Marriage I was allowing myself to be physically Raped in the name of Matrimony, after years of self torment I learned to hide the pain away I no longer had to run to the shower within 15 minutes of fulfilling my duties as a man just to try and wash the pain and disgust off of my body ( even though this males body served a purpose I still felt dirty and unclean ) then for the next 8 years I just shut down and went through the motions, fulfilling her needs over mine. But now isn't that what we do prior to transition, fulfill every ones needs, wants, and desires over and before our own needs. Next for The following Two years after coming out to my then partner we had Homosexual relations this being one woman with another woman, Lesbian as it were, the first year I finally felt now this is so much better she stated the same reaction, No more BS, just pure Love for the other not expecting something as a result of the act just enjoying the companionship and the feelings that comes from a true open relationship, then it turned to her pulling away and no longer wanting to participate in such a relationship she wanted a man not a woman yeah it was fun and exciting for a while but as she said she was not a lesbian, easily understandable and I accepted the fact, then towards the end of the second year after the Hormones had really started doing their job she forced me out of the house and thus making me homeless and shortly after out of employment .

(2) the gender of each partner (trans-partner has pre transition and post transition/gender identified as listed),

I have always Identified as Female, pre and post transition, my partners have always been Female, pre and post transition, my current partner is also MtF yet I see her as Female, she as well has always been Female Pre and Post Transition, I see her only as a woman.

(3) sexual orientation of both partners (pre and post transition listed if different),

Pre Transition I was forcing myself to be the typical Heterosexual Male, Post Transition I am Lesbian. My partners pre transition were all heterosexual females, post transition my partner has been a Lesbian.

(4) years together (pre marriage/civil union and years married/in union),

The number of years I was with my Ex was for 20 years, 2 years later I am still trying to save up for a divorce, life ain't no ballroom nor glass slippers, so total 22 years.

(5) whether or not you and your partner survived the transition as a couple,

To answer that Yes I survived Transition but my Marriage did not, My Ex survived my transition and the ending of our marriage.

and (6) any types of aiding devices used by you and/or your partner (please specifically list what type of aid you used and can include but does not have to be limited to therapy with a counselor, peer support groups, social networking, reading books or journal articles).

Aiding well giggles No aiding Sexually, Mentally now I sought out a Gender Psychologist and did what every good girl does when she is told she has to follow rules, yeah I followed the rules and in doing so I was claimed and deemed fit to live my life as a woman, yeah to be allowed to live my life only through the rules set forth by Men.

What a joke, if your going to start living your life just do it don't wait to be allowed to by another who holds some sort of mystical gift the gift is you giving yourself the right to live your life no one can give that to you but yourself.

I hope this aided you in your search for information, I hope to answer many more if for nothing more then comic relief , every thing I attest to is true and in no way should be considered false, I may add a quip now and again but this ol bag of hammers is blunt.

Hugs

Stephani Paige Ryan

Well the first quest was " ARE YOU GAY?" , my response was well yes I am a Lesbian, her response was " I Ain't!", well then I see problems a bruin is what struck my mind at that moment, but onward and upward we went Two hours of tears and questions.... then months of tears and questions, and then years of tears, and no more questions..... just unanswered sorrows.

So your question leads me to believe you have many answers to questions yet asked, Do you? lol, of course you do we all do, will those answers play out to the questions of the answers you should be looking for. I know that the years that I remained with my now Ex has many questions that the answers never matched up to, but what I have learned is that those questions are irrelevant now and need not be asked nor answered.

I tried for a long time after my final separation to figure out what I had done wrong in the whole scheme of things the answer I found within my own heart was I had done everything I could have she was gone the moment I openly told her, well not quite that moment because that talk would come seven years after the first time I told her who and what I truly was, ain't that a bite in the tail, seven more years before she would finally listen to me and hear what I had been telling her for years.

Question.... What does that Make You

Question.... What does that Make Me

Question.... Where does this Leave Us

Question... What am I suppose to Do Now

Question... What are You going to Do Now

Question... Are We Staying Together

Question... What will You do after You start " Transitioning "

Question... What am I suppose To do about the rest of the family

Question... What about Your Job

Question... Where am I suppose to Live

Question... Are You going To Leave Me for a Man(Woman)

Question.... Is This Your Way Out Of Our Marriage

Question... How Long Have You Been Planing This

Question... Why Did You Marry Me

Question... You Don'T Think Your Staying Here Do You

Ok here's just a start to the list that seems to never end but it will trust me it will end.

the next thing you'll see is your partner is no longer walking beside you and more to the side and behind you and your going to ask " why aren't you walking with me " " are you embarrassed to be seen with me ", the usual response, No I am just watching the peoples reactions to how womanly you are .... Yeah watch how twitchy she gets you'll know she's pushing a load your way.

Hugs

Stephani

Well , Hun .... sounds like the start to a plan , and guess what this is the first truest step to accomplishment of any goal , so Head up and Smile , your taking the proper mind set and starting the process on a great note.

OK, now onward I go ....

1. Hormones : those are going to be a while in so dont look for that to happen right out of the shoot , your most likely going to have about 4-5 sessions before that subject is going to start into your process , your going to discuss these things yes but they are preliminary investigational tools for your frame of mind and mind set as far as relistic goals and time scheduals , yep , when do you want to start this that and what is your plan to getting this and that done ....

2. You Need No permission to Be You , transition is mainly a frame of mind and readiness to accept the consiquences of doing so , well since you have the name change it sounds like your frame is set , your realisticly objective to what process' your going to undergo , you may not need to do some but at least your thinking about it , Very good Hun. You want to live the life of a woman like you were meant to , well guess what , You can , Get your cloths , your name changed , your forms of information changed at work and dress appropriatly in said gender role , Guess what You have transitioned ..... I no Simple , Hmm To Simple yet in all reality it is just that LIVING YOUR GENDER , thats trans in a nut shell .

3. Your going to find about 400 postings on Make up tips on You Tube this is a great start but guess what , You only need a few items ,

eye liner , lip stick , foundation liquid or mineral both are good both in closest color to your skin tone , powder in your closest skin tone, mascara , eye shadows , brushes and spunges for application , thats it , basic .

4 . hair styles well that is going to be a discovery process , through out your transition , I change my hair color about 2 times a year , I change the lengths and style about 5 times a year , just goes with my mood .

5. before starting hormones I will tell you now you need to get as much of the wieght off , once you start and get balanced and regulated your going to find it a real B to get it off , and it will slip on really easily , so if you weigh 210 and your 5' 10" then idealy your looking for initial loss of 30 lbs , then level out your going to need the fat for redistrabution your body is going to change how fast and how much is Genetics and age , your young so better off then a great many of us oldies ... LOL , ok while your getting your levels in line your going to want to maintain here is where it is going to start to be easily put on and Very hard to get it off , Ideal T level under 10 , Estridiol level of a male is at top range 57 , a womans is Higher up to 90 , so tests sould be done Now your T and Estridiol levels also your othe labs I have a post around here some were on tests needed and such just look for it .

6. facial features are going to change for you , so dont stress over FFS this you may need a couple little tweeks but at your age your going to have it alot better once again then many of us oldies . your going to want to give it Two years , this is about when many aspects are all done as they will be , face , Breast grouth , body shape , hips, butt , legs , arms , muscle density , muscle mass , skin texture , loss of body hair , thined facial grouth ( but it is going to be there so get some laser done ) . so worry about , the daily things right now , clothing , walk , talk , interaction , Bathroom edicate , VOICE .

7. You may find you may be happy with just the first steps within transition and decide to not have SRS , You may feel stronger Later to have it done , start saving , average cost $50,000 , start saving .

if you need help with finding doctors PM me I am a creature of habbit and I have alot within my data on this thing , LOL . I will find you some one to start out and get the ball rolling .

8. Doctors are a B all in their own so be patient with all your Doctors , Endo , PCP, Psychologist ,the basics as well as Your Lab work , Yeash look for the first two to be at three month then six month intervals , may at first test second month to check so Labs are about $450 if you dont have insurance if so I have the Diagnosis code some where around here , Basicly tell them to code it as a Hormone Imbalance and the Insurance will pick up the costs .

9. So your looking at 1 year of psycotherapy , at this time you should get you recomondation papers (Two) , 15 months on Hormones , 2-6 years to save for SRS, FFS, Breast Augmentation , average cost after all is said and done $100,000 , or Just LIVE YOUR LIFE IN GENDER ROLE , and slowly get things done or get a sponsor to help finance the surgeries , or save like we all do .

I hope some of this helped , Lets talk more later after the sticker shock hits and sinks in , Man its a high price to pay to be Who You should have been born as , This is what the medical field has set up to keep all the Not so believers out of the process , its long its hard at times and it costs , But ARE YOU WORTH IT , I KNOW I AM AND WAS , I think you might Find This to be the case for you as well .

Hugs

Stephani

Have No fears Hun , Your Blogs will be read and though many will never message they are thinking and pondering the very issues that you are bringing up within your writings , I look forward to reading and Trust me I will be sure to enter a line or two if I feel your in a need of some Motherly advise ... LOL , I am a little out spoken I am sure you have came across many of my postings and as well many of the other moderators and admins , we do try to maintain a pressance , LOL.

Any ways Hun I want to thank you please Dont drop your Bloggin IF I have found one thing out it is to make sure to put down your thoughts it helps others and as well helps your self , you may come across your posts at a later date and giggle a little or cry because it was such a hard and precious moment that you had a large amoun t of emotion reflected within that post , so Keep at it hun it helps.

Hugs and Welcome

Stephani

I thought about that as well , as you know and so many who transition know this aspect of transitioning is an often unsuspected or unrecognised aspect that many if not most will have to confront in the process of cross gender transition or even complete gender transition . I felt it my responcability as usual to raise the topic and show personal aspects that this is not an singular aspect to one but like many other aspects we all share in these sort of aspects as a community .

I may have had a some what easy and consiquently short transition as well but even after I still struggle as do so many .

As you know this is just one of the more significant issues we will all deal with at some point .. I have noticed a trend as of late and thought hard whether or not to write this . I wrestled with it because is the subject a bennefit or a hinderance to helping the forum and new members . Or will it force so many to perge only to be back in an even worse situation.

I wrote this to emotionally perge realities that I have come to understand within my life , as so many I strive for harmony yet find none when striving for it , yet when I stop and live within my life alone the Happiness and internal joys shine , this perplexes me and I struggle once again , such a vissous cycle that wears on me and so many as well , i suppose the premis of the post is that no matter how badly we want our lives to become compatable we have to often simply move forward knowing we will never forget our past but we must step forward .

In my new life I find total acceptance without predudice to my past , but when I remain with those from my past I am often subject to the life I once lived and not allowed to live fully with my new life . This is the brick wall I have struggled to over come and am finding out that no matter how much work I place in removing the barrior there is simply more barriors behide . Conclussion = step back catch my breath , rest and turn to those who have no vested interest in my past only within our futures.

If you would like to move this over for me please feel free , just more then my phone will allow lol or I would , guess I can Later .

I am Curious , What is the sence of Urgency ( I know the answer I want to hear it from YOU)

I will be waiting to hear back we have alot to discuss .

Welcome Hun , Let it flow hun thats what the Blogs are for , let your thoughts flow through your fingers and open the minds of others with your thoughts ..

Hugs and again Welcome to TGGuide

Stephani

Welcome Hun , and it is all good when it comes to writing in the forums or the blog area , you have questions and they will seem to grow as you move along your transition , feel free to ask questions , post thoughts and make entrees on your blog , we find a many spendid thing be that of comunicating when others understand what it is we are going through .

Hugs hun and all the best.

Stephani

We all have our moments hun , hee hee I am a terrible procrastinator and then I go over board when I am feeling I should have taken care of what ever I put off .

A good idea though , hope it works and you are excited with the results.

Hugs

Stephani

I hate a good many things the difference is knowing that just because you hate something doesn't make it wrong , its just wrong for you .

Like I , Hate Brustle sprouts , so many love them are they wrong No , am I wrong No , it really comes down to a point of contension in about every thing , I hated california but I love it because I was born there , does it make it any less of a state I could goto if need be , nope it is open to me and every one else , you may find after a while you go from a hate to a love situation ..

My thoughts on Critism is that no matter if I feel I am write or they are wrong it is a starting point we both can work from , I may not like it when you tell me to mind my business , I might have to ask why , Open dialog Here ... see a point of contension , I will tell it like it is or as I see it no matter what if I love you ,hate you , or have no idea who in the world you are , if your about to stick your finger in a light socket I am going to critise you for your ignorance and open the door to understanding , maybe you simply wanted me to say hay silly dont stick your finger in that you'll shock the beejesus out of yourself and you might stop and think twice , now if I said Hey , Stupid dont do that you moron , your going to get peeved and the point of contension is in fact not the critism but how the critism was stated ...

Just a thought ....

Hugs

Stephani P.

I have had my share of that as well and I have found that when you laugh it really takes them off gaurd and in some sort of surprise it opens them up to a Dialog they would other wise not engage in . Good For you Hun , so proud to hear that you expierianced this in a possitive manner , at times remember though that not everyone is as open to such a dialog nor to understanding what your trying to explain to them.

My best Hugs

Stephani P.

Oh hun , Been there Done that ... So your not alone in this thinking nor mind set , the problem isn't about the money issues because we all face that , Men ,Woman, Gay, Bi, Lesbian, Androginous , its a human condition brought to you by the Romans ... Give unto Ceaser what is his , well the notion has simply trickled into every one elses mind set because of the need , the want , and the desire for greater thing then you have right now .

I know your Ranting just to get it out , I understand you really dont want any input back I simply want to tell you that no matter what Plan A is , I understand and would advise 1. Blood workup first , yes I know money , 2 . Finding a Doctor near that can and will aid with the tests so you understand the results . 3 . A psychologist isn't the enemy they really do care and only wish you a sound and stable mind to get through all the rough times that your going to undergo . I know money Damned Doctors ...

I would love to help in any way I can please PM me and sorry I know you sent me a Message a long while back but my mind has about a million things going on I am far from remembering the message or my reply .

You dont look like the Plague so maybe a change to Nancy , or Trisha those names come to mind when I look into your eyes .

Take care hun Hugs

Stephani P.

hehehe , mike , your mom's saying ... cute .. I have by the way had that happen many of times , I however being upset at the time , looked to it as Karma was trying to keep me from regretting something in a short time ... not faith just the knowing I probably just needed to rant a little on a page for none to read ... and usually when it happens trust me no one would wanted to read what I had to say .... LOL , Right mike .... hheheheheh :)

Very true hun , no one can make you a woman simply show a path that so many only look upon in couriosity and awe of the strength a woman holds within her tender grasp .

I have a great woman who I now call my best friend she has inspired me , caused great pains within my heart and still showed my heart how to have love through out these times , I look to her for guidance and recieve non yet see every thing I will ever need by simply walking along her side .

I spent 18 years as her loving husband and will spend the rest of my life trying to repay her for the love she holds for her girlfriend , she grows more in love with me daily and yet I find my heart can open even wider with the love I hold for her ... It is a truly amazing thing the love us woman hold inside , the pains we endure , the sufferage we manage on a daily basis yet move forward guiding those around us ... I never thought I could have learned any more then I have from those woman I called Family growing up , yet I do still and will till the day I breath the last breath from my chest .

I hope to be a fraction of the woman she and so many I have been privilaged to know in my life , I have many female friends on the everyday and non will ever know how much they mean to me , yet I will try to show them with my respect and love . just as any other woman would and has done for me . they have also shown me that it is ok to show that I am a real Bit** when I need to be , to stand up to those when I need to , and make a point when it needs to be made .

I may never feel the joys of a child growing inside of me , but I know the agony that a loss of a child brings to ones heart , a miscarriage is not a sole feeling form the one who has it , it is felt by both , I know this and suffer with the pain still 16 years later .. I know the pains a woman feels as she moves through puberty , as her body grows and forms the woman she will walk through life as , I suffer the monthly torments of mother natures torments as any other woman yet bleed nothing outwardly ... do these things make me less of a woman , do I not still need a mentor to guide me through my life . The trueth is that even the simplest of acts in a woman's life needs a mentoring to , like when you use a ladies rest room , how many look under the stalls to see if it is occupied before they push upon the door , guess what if my mentor never told me this little thing I would have looked like a 5 year old for the first outing by myself in the big girls potty , but she helped me and still does today .. I ask my mother questions she has to offer like any other mother would teach their daughter , she to mentors me , and I hope to mentor others here as I hope you to would Cyrsti , your a mentor whether you believe it or not , others look to your guidance that you offer .

Keep up the good works Sister your an inspiration to so many .

Hugs and Kisses

Stephani

I often wonder at what point one can consider their life complete , never mind the politics involved with the idiosentric idealogs believing that they are complete after FFS and GRS and Body conturing, a person never truly completes anything now do we , at the end of our lives we look back and wish we could have done more ... I believe the persute to happiness is completed when one can look into the mirror stair into your own eyes and see the spark that drove you to achieve this wonderous achievement .... I look into the mirror and catch glimpses of my spark yet to find it gone in an instant , I must say though through out my transition , both before HRT and after My perspectives upon my life has changed yet my joys grow and happiness shines brighter within .

I know that others will spend a life time searching even after all the transitional stuff is complete yet they still find a blank stair looking back upon them selves from the same mirror .

find who you are make that the goal nothing matters as long as you are filled with life's joys and happiness , it is out there for you to grasp and hold within you , never mind those critequing their perseption of your ideal life and where you will be happiest , they have no idea only you do . as far as a gold star they failed the test no gold star for them ...

Live a full and fulfilled life the only way you can , with love and support from those around you .

Hugs and best in your life journey .

Stephani

Congratulations hun .... don't forget to have a carry letter made up for you as well ( make sure that it shows intent so you can work on your Identifications ) with this one it will come in handy , I have had to use mine once in the last 8 months , it does help ease some tensions .

Seeing this still makes me cry .. So happy hun , Big hugs and Kisses to you both.

love

Stephani

Well put Hun , these are things we all suffer from , at What Point .... Yeash that is such a biggy no one can say accept the one asking the personal question , when will I be complete and not so insecure of my outward appearance , well mine was just about two weeks ago when I looked long and hard in the mirror , what is it that everyone is seeing that I cant, I constantly asked myself this , and there it was right in front of me .... I turn this way It's my mother , I turn that way its my father , I turn like this and hey its Both it's Me ... Stephani Paige Ryan , I smiled and looked all directions guess who I saw Yes ... Me no one else Just me no longer Him as I once saw , but the woman every one else on the outside is telling me stands before them ... Will you ever find this happiness , I truelly Hope so I struggled for so many years after being full time that I simply wanted to crawl in a cave and turn into the little gollum from the hobbit .. searching for My precious ... who has taken my presious , it turned out I was blind to see I had my precious with me the whole time ... Find yours hun and live happy no matter the cost or surgeries you will always see the male if you dont find inner piece with who you are ..

Take care and thank you for your post it is a help to not only you but to others not so lucky as we .. those who may never even step outside , those who may never even dream it is possible .

Stephani

smiles and frowns .....

glad to hear your back yet the cercomstances are less then ideal or needed at this point of your life , take care hun and the best finding something to help in the day to day bills and living situation.

hugs

Stephani

it is hard to maintain , yet GG's feel the same way as you know and your absolutely right I have seen many more woman with more pronounced grouth then mine yet I have days that no matter what I do it still shows through to me .

Keep your head up hun , I by the way Love my Heals and Skirts the nylons yeash can you say HOT , lol no good on a pms day is it .LOL

take care hun I am so proud to know you and call you my friend and Sister .

Stephani

Hun , ah , is all I can say , I love your smile and to know that added smile holds a tear of joyfull love I am in ah, still of you both , hugs and you know I and we all love the woman you are to us all .

and once again give honey a carring hug for me when she is better .

Kisses and Hugs my dear girlfriend across the pond ..

Stephani

ahh , hun I get a feeling of such joy and happiness for you and her , wish her my best and your time is shorter then it seems, take care girls love and hugs

Stephani