Chrissy

Ren,

I'm hesitant to say much as an outsider to the issue, but it sounds at the very least like she might have a serious dependency issue (which I think can look a lot like, or even turn into stalking).

Especially the part about turning on you (turning you off on facebook) but then reaching out to your friends because she's afraid something happened, those are pretty extreme responses in opposite directions and suggests not the clearest thinking (i'm not suggesting anything about her intelligence, but dependency issues can make one react very strangely). That along with the obsessive need for reassurances.

That's just my impression.

Christie

Follow up - i successfully changed my name with social security and my driver's license - yay!!!!

Failed to change gender I'd - with my driver's license it was just because I had a copy of my therapist's letter and I need the original, i'll go back next week.

Social security I have to file a complaint with, i'm pretty sure they're misinterpreting the rules in refusing my request (I was a lawyer, so I have some idea)

That's all so great! The phone call sounds terrifying, but I can kind of imagine getting really into it once you start.

And on the twitter point, I got a reply tweet from debbie gibson the morning I tweeted about my name change, so I know how you feel   (I immediately became a teenage girl when I saw it)

Ohhh, in the neighborhood of 30

My expenses has been shoes :-)

I enjoy the verb "transgendering" :-)

That's ridiculous that he'd diagnose you as an alcoholic based on that information!  i used to be a much heavier drinker (prior life circumstances drove it), and yet I was never an alcoholic (alcohol abuser yes).

Having said that, I think you're right that at least there isn't any harm in abstaining for a bit, especially with the possibility of things getting hung up because of it!

I just wrote about my own choice in reply to Jay's blog entry - but will add that it may be a tough choice, but ultimately a great chance to decide on something that is so central to your life that most people don't ever make

As far as the possibility of multiple changes, at least legally there are sometimes limits (in some states you can do it twice, aside from marriage-related changes)

Although not made specifically for transwomen I find stephanie lange's videos on YouTube helpful (she explains things well)

I definitely remember having the same fears, but a little practice really does go a long way!

As for the beard, Kat Von D makes a tattoo cover-up foundation that is very effective on facial hair (i've found it at sephora).

Electrolysis is also good for that

My name decision was fairly easy, I just moved my middle name up to the first spot (christie was my mother's maiden name, that's how I got it originally).  I'm not sure what I would have picked if I didn't have that - there is an easy "feminization" of my birth name, buy I didn't like it much.

I have a favorite musician who's name I could have used (I did take her middle name), but it was my sister's name already

When I was just ocassionally cross-dressing I tended toward a more "fun" wardrobe (mini skirts, short shorts ,etc), but as I started presenting female more often (full time now since August) i've added some more business-like attire, but haven't abandoned mini skirts and short shorts  (just not to work obviously)

I recently started a more serious conversation in therapy about what this (transition) really means.  I'm not questioning it at all, i'm just trying to figure it out some more.

Reading some of the thoughtful posts on here certainly helps, but doesn't get me all the way (and I realize "all the way" might not feel like far enough).  I think the real question is how much of this is (1) expressing my real self (excellent), (2) overcoming habits from trying to live as a man for so long (good), or (3) perpetuating female stereotypes (not so good).

Still much to figure out and learn

xoxo

Christie 

Warren,

First, great tattoo   I have 4 myself, I had been planning a full back tattoo, but i'm worries that the hormones might make it too painful.

Sometimes it becomes necessary to cut off communications, it can certainly be tough, but ultimately can bring some peace.  About 3 weeks ago I emailed my sister saying that if she can't accept who I am, or at least show she is moving in that direction, I won't have any communication with her. Nothing since then, while I still hope she'll come around. I have to accept she might not, and that's really more her loss.

Anyway, glad to hear that things seem reasonably ok for you and the job seems to be going well for you

Xoxoxoxo

Christie

Very nice

I recall tthe first time i could tell a guy was smiling at me in a flirty manner it felt really nice (I wasn't interested, but it was nice)

Lisa,

I can't imagine going through this with a spouse, but if there's anything I can do to help please let me know

Having gone full-time as a woman now for about a month and a half I can say that it makes a huge difference, i've never been happier and more positive in my life.

Good luck!

Xoxo

Christie

Eve,

I love the pics!  I'm a city girl myself, don't like too much nature around me, but I enjoy looking at it in photos

Enjoy Luxembourg!

Xoxo

Christie 

Ooh, triumph! That was my first choice.  I used to work on cars with a friend when I lived in North Carolina (I was a straight man in those days)

The parking spot near my apt was $150 a month, a bit much when I didn't really need a car at all

That is such a cute car

Several years ago I indulged and bought an older MG midget - something I had wanted for a long time - it was short lived, being in NYC I didn't have the resources (money) to keep it.

Finally got around to reading the rest - these are all quite vivid and well-stated - I do hope you are still seeing someone to talk about these things?

The phrase "hopeless ambition" really struck me - in the midst of my sleepless depression last night I think that phrase summed up much of how I felt - and how I continue to feel - full of ambition, but feeling that it has nowhere to go.  It's still an improvement from before transitioning when I had no ambition (it feels a little worse, but I know it's really better)

UPDATE - at least one of the trouble spots took a move in the right direction today - it looks like my job transition is on it's way to happening, it's just a matter of figuring out the money (everyone seems to agree that I should get more money since they're adding to my job - it's just a question of how much).  It isn't going exactly as I would have liked (which would have been a clean transition to our marketing department, vs. merging part of that job into my current job), but it's still a great (hopeful) change

Thank you all for your feedback 

Now that I'm in front of a computer I feel like I should add some detail since I threw all that out there (I wrote that on my phone last night - I was kind of surprised at how short it looked this morning considering how long it seemed to take to write!)

First, I definitely am talking to my therapist about everything!   Over the past few sessions we've actually move away from transitioning issues a bit - not completely of course, but recognizing that it isn't the only issue that I need to work through.

I think my current malaise/insomnia is a collection of "problems" that are touching on a number of big areas (job, home, health) - none of them individually devastating, but collectively it makes sense that they could drag me down.  They will all resolve over time, hopefully not too much time!  (the job issue should come to a head one way or another this week).

What's compounding the problem is that usually writing in a journal helps me work through some things, or at least reduce their impact.  But I'm left-handed, and my surgery was on my left shoulder - although my hand works fine, I was a little surprised at how much your full arm is really necessary when writing long-hand, and how difficult it currently is.  I think that's contributing to a bottling-up - I could type things, but somehow that never seems to have the same emotional impact for me as hand-writing (even when I'm working on plays I always write the first draft long-hand).

Ren,

I read the first couple of entries for now, will read the rest later, but I wanted to say how encouraging it is to see how well you seem to understand and examine the things that trouble you ("trouble" seems insufficient, bit it's all I can think of at the moment).

There's still no doubt a long journey ahead, but understanding where you are starting from is a vital first step.  For so long I knew something was wrong, very wrong, but couldn't identify it, or worse, I misidentified it.

Stay strong! And please keep sharing

xoxo

Christie

SPeaking of 2 identities (from your first comment Eve), I really can't wait until my legal name change goes through, it will remove the last bits of confusion over which name I need to or should use.  Obviously with doctors I still need to use my old name, although most of them put Christie in the file.  Today I bought a futon and realized it was easier to just use my old name, as that's the name on the credit card and this was a one-time interaction (though after the fact I realized that it might have seemed odd to him that I look like I do and have a very male name).

It'll be nice when I'm legally Christie and have all my documents in order :-)

It's interesting, I was thinking before that I should try to see if I can climax - the interest has been so non-existent I haven't even tried, but I do want to see if the functioning is there or not.

Stephanie,

You're thinking of Reminder Rabbit!  :-)  (great, now I want to get a stuffed rabbit)

Christie

My furry friend is "motivation monkey" :-)    She's a visual reminder to keep doing the things I know I want/need to do (I really just bought her at a time when I thought that would be helpful, so I figured I'd give her the job)