Chrissy

Karen,

This is such a helpful entry - especially since I'm in a bit of shopping frenzy recently 

It's the "keeping in mind how old you are" part that is especially problematic for me.  I think mainly for the reason that I am "coming out" a little older and regretting that I missed the chance to dress younger - but I'm working past that, and the further along my transition that I go the easier I find it to accept who I am, age and all.  Spending too much time regretting the past now is just likely to lead to more regret later (regretting that I regretted so much - a vicious cycle).

xoxo

Christie

Warren,

I completely agree with Karen's comments, especially the need for medical support from somewhere for people who are suffering and can't afford what they need.  At times I almost hope the republicans kill off Obamacare so that another push for socialized medicine might happen (with all of the people who would suddenly find themselves not covered it could happen).

I found over time that most of my anger comes from a general feeling of powerlessness (pretty intense at times).  And you're right, it's absurd to think that someone would "choose" to be transgender when that would only make the feeling worse.  Ultimately I know the only thing I can really control is my own response to things - but that is far easier said than done.

Please do keep writing!  I think it helps to share feelings, and you never know when you'll get some helpful feedback.  (And I think the way the system works now is that the latest blog entries do go at the time of the list, so no need to worry about people seeing your entries)

xoxo

Christie

That's a shame - clearly having sensitivity training doesn't necessarily mean one will be sensitive, but it's especially troubling in a family setting (though probably pretty common).

When I spoke with my sister several weeks ago she just flat-out rejected the idea that I'm trans (including saying "you don't look like a girl").  I haven't communicated with her since then for the same reason you mentioned, I'm not sure how to approach/re-approach the situation (fortunately I'm much closer to friends, who are supportive, than family)

Lisa,

Are there any kind of support groups near you?  (I was surprised that I haven't been able to find any in NYC, so I have no idea how common they are anywhere else.)

The strength and courage that you're showing is inspiring - and also the fact that you clearly do care about how your wife is handling it.  I'm sure it might feel easier at times to just walk away (I do know that from experience, I was married when I came out as gay - as it turns out the "coming out" part was right, just maybe not the gay part).  Hopefully if you give her the space she needs she might come around and at least be supportive (more supportive I guess, since she is being a little supportive already).

xoxo

Christie

Karen

This was such a great post!  Personally it helped give me the little extra nudge to follow-through on my plan for today, which was simple but I think significant.  In addition to my new usual routine of mascara, lip gloss, perfume, and a little accenting of my eye brows, today I also wore pink nail polish (to go with the pink shirt I'm wearing).  I was doing nail polish last week, but it was French tips so it was somewhat subtle - this pink is not subtle  

One thing that I find helpful in terms of working on various things (voice, walking, mannerisms, etc.) is that I keep an index card on my refrigerator with bullet-point reminders about each that I look at each morning before I leave.  I don't necessarily remember to work on each of them every day, but I do more and more each day.

xoxo

Christie

Karen and Eve,

Thank you both for your comments!  Fear is definitely the big thing, but I know I can work through that 

And Eve, the "o's" in "xoxo" are hugs 

xoxo

Christie

Karen,

This was such a great entry!  I especially look forward to your new posts based on where you are in transitioning as I start to look much more seriously at my own.  It's enlightening to see where I could be in a couple of years (obviously everyone's experience is different, but certain issues, concerns and joys are no doubt shared by many!)

At lunch the other day the waiter came up to me and my co-worker and said "is everything OK here ladies?"  I was quite happy about that, especially since I wasn't in full femme presentation!

Xoxo

Christie

Dawn,

What a wonderful year!  Like Emma I wish I had a therapist say that to me at some point - but once I said it to myself I experienced the same general feeling, really almost immediate elation.  I haven't stopped anti-depressants yet, but probably soon.

I look forward to hearing about your ongoing progress 

xoxo

Christie

Veronica,

First thank you :-)

And I love the "I'm not quite done baking yet" line, that's great!

I did some more Kohl's shopping yesterday, and plan to go to Century 21 tomorrow at lunch, so hopefully by next week I'll be able to go en femme at least most days even to work.

Outside of work I also love women's jeans and capris! I have a full stock of JLo jeans.

I think I might underestimate how feminine I'm already appearing - it's so hard to be objective about yourself (looking in the mirror, even when I'm in full drag, I still see me, so it's obviously a matter of seeing me as a woman)

xoxo

Christie

That all sounds so wonderful! Both the travel and the response you got!

Thank you both for your comments :-)

When I use "cross-dressing" now I'm only referring to the time when I was dressing as a woman before "coming out" as TG. It is true of course that I was TG even before coming out, so it really wasn't cross-dressing even then, but it's an easy way to distinguish those time periods and the mental state that I was in during both (feeling like a man dressing as a woman vs just being dressed).

I am getting more and more stressed that I still at times have to dress male - my current wardrobe isn't sufficient yet to go all female, and money is a little tight (though now that taxes are done I'll start having some room, and I'm getting a better idea of things that I need sooner).

I haven't started hormones yet. I start with a new gender therapist today, so I am going to raise that, to at least start discussing it. Then I assume I'll need to see my regular doctor to talk about it with him as well (I've been going to him for a long time now, so I'm comfortable with how he'll be about this).

One thing I can't seem to find anywhere is exactly how hormones are taken? Do you have to keep using them periodically for some amount of time? (I assume yes, I just don't know how often and for how long)

Jewelry is my "project" for this weekend. I have some that I've assembled specifically for doing drag, but I'm going to look through it all to see what I can incorporate now.

XOXO

Christie

Emma,

I didn't need another fear!!!! :-)

I definitely agree that I can't see myself going back, at least not beyond where I am now. In my thinking over the weekend I actually tried to imagine what that would look like, and I didn't like it at all. That could change of course, but for now I know that for the foreseeable future I'll be presenting as more female than I have - I have to, it's what matches inside.

And "It's all ok on the TG Train!" is one of the greatest things I've ever heard

xoxo

Christie

Maddysyn,

I second everything that Emma said! And also that it's understandable to regret things, but I hope you keep in mind that this is always new territory for everyone, things are bound to not go smoothly! So learn from it, and move on (I know that's much easier said than done!)

xoxo

Christie

Warren,

You have really been given a lot to deal with - as have many people on this site - but it seems like you're more than strong enough to deal with it all

As far as worrying about what you "should" and "shouldn't" think, I think it's fair to observe those things in yourself as long as you're not beating yourself up over it. It's MORE than reasonable for you to react the way you have. As long as you keep noticing when you think your reactions are too strong, etc., you'll eventually find your own way to a more peaceful state. But for now, it's ok, and good that you have place (here) to vent

xoxo

Christie

Karen,

I absolutely agree that it gets better as you go out. When I started cross-dressing I was frustrated that there was nowhere I could go where I could dress there. But ultimately I took the step, got dressed at home and went out (I think the scariest part was stepping out my front door - I live in a condo building - and facing neighbors - that fear was addressed the very first time as the person across the hall was coming home as I was walking out).

Maybe the biggest disappointment was my sense that nobody was noticing! But I got over that :-)

xoxo

Christie

Lisa,

I think it makes sense that your kids figured out that you were the 2 females and not the male :-) I assume the easter bunny and tooth fairy are both females, more nurturing, Santa is too judgmental - sorry, stereotypes!

Christie

I does of course mean I have to go out after work today - I can't just go home when I'm having a good butt day!

Just a quick addition - I'm wearing a pair of Jennifer Lopez jeans today, and when I passed a mirror in the rest room just now I noticed that they kinda make my butt look really good.

I needed to share that with someone :-)

Emma,

This is a great piece! Thank you for sharing it, I plan to look into James Altucher.

Christie

Warren,

That's great! Congrats!!!!

xoxo xoxo

Christie

Lisa,

Similar to Emma my first thought about "Hey beautiful" was very positive - but being earlier in the journey I'm just thrilled to be referenced as a female almost anytime, I do see your point about the problem with it and I look forward to being "enough of a woman" to react the same way :-)

And certainly there's lots to be anxious about, I'd also suggest writing it down, whether it's here or just for yourself. I carry a little notebook with me everywhere I go just to write down any strong feelings I encounter through the day.

xoxo

Christie

Good luck Karen! And thank you for sharing information about your journey, it's very interesting and helpful, especially as a "newbie" :-)

Monica,

Thank you for your response - it is very helpful! I'm not sure I'm entirely there yet as far as accepting that I'm a heterosexual woman, but I am starting to believe that that's where this journey is going to end up. I just have 40 or so years of clutter to push out of the way. Or I guess it would be better just to leave the clutter and find a new home :-)

I just created a profile on the website you recommended, I'll take a look around there too and see what comes up.

xoxo

Christie

I am indeed going through the mind mill! It's something I do way too often :-)

I agree with you as far as the present goes - I think perhaps for me the bigger question (which possibly can't be answered, but I was hoping it could) is whether the entire idea of being gay was something my teenage mind came up with in response to the feeling of being trans.

Crissie,

First, welcome to TGGuide! I'm not sure if I saw your New Member entry (I need to look there more often).

I also started blogging almost immediately here, and it's been very helpful both in terms of getting my thoughts out and getting feedback - there are a lot of very caring people here!

As far as your background, I feel very much the same in that I don't have specific memories of feeling like I was in the wrong body as a child, but I also don't have a lot of strong memories about any feelings from that time. There are definitely people out there with Gender Dysphoria who don't have childhood memories (it's been referred to as "Indirect Gender Dysphoria" on a couple of sites I've seen).

In any case, I don't think that you're crazy for having these thoughts :-) You just need to keep exploring, take some more steps and see how it feels. After all, if you're a "wannabee" then that could be because you want to be!

Please keep sharing!

xoxo

Christie