Chrissy

Eve,

It's so nice to pass another "test"! I feel like i'm still hitting then on a daily basis - today it was a shopping mall near me.

Every day going out as authentic me still feels hard, but every day also seems to have new rewards for doing just that

xoxo

Christie

I started a list a few weeks ago so that i'll be ready when my name change is final - i add things to it almost daily.  I don't even want to think about how long it will take to actually do the changes   (I am prioritizing the list of course, and can't wait to start!)

Eve,

I'm not sure how much I believe in female intuition per se, but I think that transitioning, and as a result being more comfortable and more in touch with oneself might lead to a similar phenomenon.

Put the other way, it's hard to be intuitive when you're trying to pass yourself off as someone you're not, that takes a lot of energy

xoxo

Christie

I can't imagine anyone being annoyed - so glad you're sticking around

Then it was good you missed this episode!  There were 2 of them - it didn't bother me, I really haven't been exposed to them much (at all), and at least in the small dose of this episode they were both tolerable

Thank you all for your feedback

Today I even ventured to my local grocery store, got a nice compliment from my favorite cashier! (She was my favorite before that)

Eve, here's a pic of the band

Lookin good

Eve,

That is the big drawback with voluntary systems, when you're in your 20s you assume you'll never have any problems, so people don't want to contribute.  Beyond that it's a matter of rationing - I recall when Bill Clinton was President and he and Hillary were working on their failed health care plan so many people I know would argue that we don't want health care rationed, as if it wasn't already!

Obamacare at least improved on that by adding penalties for people who don't join, but I'd still much rather have a single-payer system.

Then again I strongly believe that capitalism itself it a complete failure and want to see it scrapped - so I don't see my wish list coming along anytime soon.

xoxo

Christie

Warren,

I agree with all that Monica and Karen said and just want to add one thought about not knowing how much longer you can last without the surgery.

I obviously don't know how it feels going through what you're experiencing, but several years ago I was going through something incredibly, incredibly difficult, it drove me to thoughts of suicide on more than one occasion (really more than thoughts - no overt actions, but it felt far too close).  In one case a thought occurred to me in the midst of those other thoughts - as long as I'm alive there's some hope that things can get better, if I end it, there's not hope at all.

It's a thought that's come back from time to time - it's not the most positive thought, but it was enough to keep me alive.

And I certainly hope you keep sharing your experiences, thoughts and feelings, if nothing else know that people are listening here!

xoxo

Christie

Monica,

Thanks for that info - though since I live here I probably won't have need for AirBNB  

xoxo

Christie

If you're interested in a trans meet-up, there's one that meets at the Stonewall every Thursday night at 7:30 p.m. (then moves across the street to the Monster at around 8:30).  We play pool, chat, etc.

And if you're here on August 25 you could come see me do drag :-)

Thank you so much Steph 

So far everyone at work has been really great in fact!  The school started it off well by sending an email around reminding everyone about our non-discrimination policy (which includes gender identity and gender expression).  But I doubt that was even needed, people here tend to be really nice.

Merci :-)

It's a bit washed out from the overhead lighting, I have a bit more color in my face than that

Roxanne,

Overcoming shopping anxiety is a great feeling!  I recall the first times I went and bought women's clothing and how uncomfortable I felt doing it.  Now I go to Kohl's and don't give it a second thought - it helps that i have never once gotten any kind of comment about it from the cashiers ("oh, are you buying this for your wife?" etc.)  I very strongly suspect that a lot of stores make it a policy that their cashiers not make any kind of comment like that.

If you have Payless shoes in your area you might try that, I've found them to have the best selection in larger sizes (i'm an 11 or 12, depending on the brand).  They're also nice in that they group the shoes by size.

xoxo

Christie

I did it!  I'm now at work, in wig and full dress (not a dress, just full dress).  These are the kinds of things that make you so much more aware of every interaction you have with people.  So far I haven't even noticed any strange looks, so perhaps I pulled it off.

I'm going to meet with our Marketing Director later this morning, I asked her yesterday if she could give me some feedback (she's a big make-up person).  Today is the first time also that I'm wearing foundation and contouring (to work that is).  I might also ask her to take a pic for me :-)

Merci

i'm not very good at selfies yet - years of not wanting pictures of me

Lisa,

So happy that things are looking up for you

good luck with your follow-up appointment! My first follow-up will be in september.

Xoxo

Christie

Monica,

It often works! And there are times when it doesn't but for some valid reason.

Here are some pics today, with make-up

Charli,

Your pictures are really nice, you have a good eye for photography!

As for "I am cait," I watched episode 2 and was generally happy with it - with a couple of reservations - but I won't risk spoiling it for you

Xoxo

Christie

I really hope that the estrogen resolves my gluten-intolerance.  I know it's unlikely, but I can hope (I want real pizza!!!)

Eve, absolutely nobody is asking you to shut up forever - or at all!!! 

What it all comes down to for me - and this isn't just wardrobe, but across all aspects of my life - is being authentically me.  Now since I'm a woman, that means being a woman, but I try not to be driven by that thought.  (that seriously made sense in my head, but writing it out it suddenly doesn't - but i'll leave it in case it means something to anyone else).

And I think I'm in agreement with everyone on one major angle of all of this - to the extent that someone is dressing a particular way because they want to look like a 20-something girl (assuming they're not), then that's something to be raised in therapy.  That's a case where the person is probably not being their authentic self.  Similarly, as Eve mentioned, if you're trying to look like what your male self thought a woman should look like, you're probably not being authentic to yourself (sorry for the endless "probably's," I try to avoid absolute statements).

I should probably (ahh! there it is again!) add that my wardrobe is, in fact, fairly conservative.  It's more colorful than my male wardrobe was (a good amount of pink), but still what most people would probably identify as moderate to conservative.  Ann Taylor is my goal store   If anything I can imagine my wardrobe getting a little more vibrant as my body starts to "look right"  (I do own leather mini-skirts, but I've only ever worn them doing drag - and I don't so much care for boots of any height, I like shoes that are easier to take off)

xoxo

Christie

Well here we are - "the day."  I had a very hard time sleeping last night.  I tried to go to bed early to go to the gym in the morning, and I felt tired, but as soon as I turned off the light I was wide awake :-)   I decided fairly quickly to abandon the idea of the gym (it was just putting more pressure on me to get to sleep), and I got up, took a unisom, and then laid on the couch with the TV on.  I probably fell asleep a half hour later.

I think that knowing that today was the day suddenly made it all so very real - and I'm still totally excited about it, but as Karen pointed out, anxiety is natural.  You can't know going in just what changes will happen, but things will happen!  Developing breasts, reducing penis and sex drive, smoother skin, losing body hair - and those are just the physical!

Well anyway, I'm at work now, so I just have to try to focus on that until about 2:00 (5 hours!!!!!!!)

xoxo

Christie

Karen,

I agree about relaxing at home.  From the start I've pretty much done that, although I still consider it "dressing as a woman" (there's nothing I wear now that isn't female).  But it does tend to be comfortable shorts and a t-shirt or tank top at home (I also have virtually no visitors, so being ready for an unexpected guest isn't really an issue).

Up until now I definitely have tried to dress more feminine, in large part because it expresses who I am, and because I hadn't been doing that for SO long.  It's also a way of counteracting the still-present male gender cues that I suffer from (yes, "suffer").  I'm guessing that once hormones start kicking in, and once electrolysis gets far enough along (and certainly after breast augmentation), my wardrobe choices might change (though they might not).  In general I just try to dress the way I want :-)

I think one important distinction might be in your phrase about blending in with women in your area. Having grown up in suburban New Jersey, and lived in North Carolina for 5 years, and now in the NYC area (between NYC and Jersey City) one thing I noticed is that in NYC fashions are all over the map, so "blending in" isn't really possible.  By contrast there was a little more in common in how women dressed in NJ and NC.

Although I'm absolutely not critical of anyone who makes this choice, the thought of "blending in" or "fitting in" makes me a cringe a little.  Again, just personally it's not something I'd want to do.  Perhaps it's because I'm still fairly early in transition and it makes me think of years of trying to fit in in the wrong gender :-)   I try to use "being authentic" as my motivation in all areas, including wardrobe.

xoxo

Christie

Roxanne,

That sounds frightening!  I hope everything is ok now.

xoxo

Christie

Monica,

His NY office is indeed Manhattan - Park Avenue in fact.  And the LA office is Beverly Hills.  So I suppose I should have expected that he wouldn't be within my budget :-)   I only started with him because he's the only doctor I could find listed in NYC as doing GRS.  Fortunately there are also a few in Pennsylvania and that would be fairly convenient as well.

Chrisite