Chrissy

All great suggestions! I think the hang-up for me is figuring out how female I am presenting.  Chances are good that it's more than I think.

I met an old friend for lunch last week (we were friends since we were 3 or 4 years old), we went to a restaurant in a small town near where we grew up (so very suburban).  Each time the waitress came over she referred to us as "ladies."  What made it nicer was that I hadn't done much as far as make-up, so even with fairly minimal effort I seen to present fairly female.

Karen,

This information is great, thank you for sharing it!

I suspect I wouldn't do the tracheal shave as my adam's apple doesn't show at all (unless there are other reasons for doing it?)  And top surgery I guess would depend on what the HRT does

Bur there's still much time for all these questions.

Xoxo

christie

Ren,

first, good luck with the interview tomorrow!

On the question about your bf's mother, it sounds like you'be already tried to get her to respect you by using your correct name and gender, so it seems like the entire question is about leaving?  Perhaps she is someone who would respond positively to a more assertive demand by you (although she just doesn't sound very nice in general from everything you say).

My only suggestion, and you'be probably thought of this, is to make sure you are ready for the worst (getting kicked out). Only you can be sure that you are ready, emotionally and logistically (having a secure place to go).

Wish I had more to offer - but obviously I wish you the best no matter what you decide to do! And you should never hesitate to ask questions here, we all have times when we can give more and times when we need support :-)

Xoxo

Christie 

Oh the bottle is packed away, in a box with a bunch of neckties

Eve,

I certainly can't say that I was never happy as a man, but there was so much more unhappiness, and a general feeling of something being not right (in some of my more depressed states I consciously thought "why can't I just be normal?" or something like that).  And I've definitely been happier since "coming out" and starting to transition.  The "malaise" that had followed me through almost my entire life lifted almost immediately and has stayed away.  I don't say that I'll never be depressed again, but it seems like it won't be as all-encompassing as it was.

xoxo

Christie

Warren,

So glad that you're feeling better!  Hopefully your therapist will FINALLY come through with the file for you.

I look forward to watching your video (shortly).

And enjoy your pizza tonight!

xoxo

Christie

Oh I realize that neither the wig nor the fake breasts are inherently "costume" items, that's just how it felt to me when I wearing them.  Once I have something that physically identifies me (at least to myself) as a woman I'm sure I'll be fine with both of them.

Warren,

I'm so sorry about everything you're going through.  I don't have much to add beyond what Karen said (and I completely agree with her), except that perhaps there is another therapist you could talk to besides the one who directed you to the suicide hotline?

Christie

I'm definitely presenting more female, but I think my current look might register as a woman at first glance, but up close you'd know that I'm a female-looking male as opposed to looking like an actual woman

I'm an old-fashioned feminist, so I'd go with "Ms"    (I also accept the French mademoiselle - "Mlle")

This was also a good reminder about taking my time.  I still forget how much anxiety can accompany a step, especially a fairly big step.  In those moments it's best to just live with that step for a bit and not push too much.

Having said that, on Sunday my favorite drag queen is doing a special brunch show, so I've decided to use that as an opportunity to see how effectively I can present as a woman (I'm trying to resist the term "passable" now, and instead focus just on presenting as a woman).  I was making myself very nervous about that concept in part because I was thinking about it in terms of doing it at work, then I realized that I don't have to start it at work (and my therapist said that she would actually strongly advise against starting it at work!).  So I'll try that on Sunday - what it means right now is using my smaller breast pads (the larger ones are too "drag"), butt pads, and some additional make-up (including foundation to cover any shadow).

I have to go into it understanding that it might not be 100% convincing, but that's ok, it's a step.  As my friend said when I was getting ready to do my solo show, "you have to willing to out and risk being stupid" (or words to that effect).

The dialog (in my still brief experience with her) is very similar to any other therapist, I think it's more about her experience, that she knows more about the process, problems, benefits, etc. of transitioning both from her own research and work with other clients.  It's not that a "regular" therapist can't work with a transgender person in transition, but they might not know some things that are helpful (the effect of hormones, etc.)

This past week was the first in which I was almost entirely going by Christie, and I noticed last night that my friend (who works at the comedy club where I volunteer) accidentally called me by my former name and I initially didn't react.  It was only because it was his voice and clearly aimed in my direction (I wasn't looking at him at the moment) that got my attention.  I'm already seeing that using my former name (which I still have to in a few circumstances) feels almost foreign to me.

Eve,

Well, for what it's worth, I have some recent experience with a "regular" therapist vs a gender therapist.  Both are very good, but my current therapist, the gender therapist, has worked with many transgender clients (patients?), and I find that very reassuring in terms of working with her.  I'm not sure there's much difference beyond that, others might have that experience.  I think it's just a matter of specialization.

Christie

Along those lines last night, while still in my own head, I recognized the really big fear was about finding a job if I needed to.  I worried that, especially if I didn't believe I was passable, that I might not be able to find one.

But then I thought about that fear vs. the idea of just giving this up.  My inner response to that wasn't even to consider them against each other, it was simply that I can't do that.  I can't go back, if I do that I'm just not living my life.

Eve,

There is a group that meets every Thursday night at the Stonewall Bar.  It's for trans people, cross-dressers, etc. It's a great group, but it is purely social so there isn't much deep discussion.

xoxo

Christie

The description of the group does make it clear that it's a support group, so I do think this was probably an exception.  They still could have limited that part of the discussion, there was a lot of repetition.

My job search was mostly based on money, but that's gotten a little better recently thanks to a mortgage refinancing.  (Of course electrolysis is taking up most of that saving)

I completely agree!  I've heard too many people saying she's not a hero - heroism comes in many forms.

I haven't been following trans-activists long enough to comment about them and transmen, but I do know that media representations have been overwhelmingly of transwomen.  That may be in part because the transition is generally more visible?  (going from man to woman vs. woman to man)  The idea of "tomboys" has been around and partly/largely accepted for so long that it makes FtM transitioning seem less extreme.  Just a thought, and that doesn't justify anything!

Karen,

I already cry at the drop of a hat (sometimes literally), it'd be interesting to see what hormones would do!

xoxo

Christie

Wonderful video Warren!  And it really is a great idea to find someone who will be honest when assessing your wardrobe.  I know one thing that I had to keep in mind is to consider age and lifestyle, it was very tempting to want to dress as a 20-something girl, which would have looked awkward at best.

xoxo

Christie

Warren,

I read this over the weekend, but being on my phone I didn't want to try to reply (takes too long to type on there).

You certainly do have a lot going on, but it sounds like things are at least moving in a positive direction which is great!  It's sad that the level of support you get from various places can depend so much on the specific person who is helping (or not!) you, but I guess that's reality everywhere.  It would be nice if people could just do their job!  But fortunately you found someone finally who does!

I'm looking forward to seeing your YouTube channel!  I'll subscribe right away when it's ready 

xoxo

Christie

So far I'm just doing this unofficially, I haven't started any legal name change yet - that will be daunting, but worthwhile   I'm going to "live with" this for a while and see how it feels before taking that step (since it involves a legal proceeding)

Eve and Karen,

I do need to work  on the hair - my current hair style is more feminine than what I used to have, but I'm not quite as good at getting it right as my stylist is   Ideally it should sweep across and down, diagonally covering much of the forehead.

I'll definitely get more alone time, especially now that summer is approaching!  I typically spend a lot of time by the river when the weather is nice enough.  And i always have a notebook with me, I know that writing out my thoughts helps me move past the initial thought and explore more deeply.

Yesterday I initiated the change in my name at work.  I told both of my supervisors, human resources, and a bunch of other staff members who i work regularly with.  I knew I was going to, but hadn't really anticipated the level of anxiety it would cause during the day!  On top of "upping" my make-up (adding lipstick and eyebrows), it was an interesting day.  Fortunately I got a lot of very positive feedback from co-workers, so the day ended very very well 

xoxo

Christie

Eve,

It doesn't sound off-putting at all, it sounds appropriately cautionary!  I do at moments feel very excited to move forward, but for the most part I'm able to control that (and fortunately there is some wait built into the process).

What's a fringe?

xoxo

Christie

I agree with Eve, from the picture you are very definitely passable!

Being prompted by a question from a friend and then a TG book (within a day of each other) I started thinking about the question of what I think I'll look like.  It must be fairly common to fantasize that you'll be a hot 20-something, but I don't think I can go from 48 yo man to that 

xoxo

Christie