Blogs

First Day of Therapy & Need a New ID???!

So today was my first day of therapy EVER, and it goes without saying that I were a nervous wreck. I got up much earlier than I even needed to, and wandered around the house like a bored lunatic. When I finally decided to leave and went as slowly as I were comfortable, just killing time and cruising along, I still showed up at the office a little more than half hour early. Signed in, no problem. So I was sitting there for a while and the secretary comes over and sits next to me. "I overlooke

Amber's Musings and Thoughts

November 19, 2014

A start and a little about me

11/21/2014 Hello Everyone, First, let me welcome you to my blog. I am Amber and these posts will most likely end up as my random thoughts when I have time to write them. Second, let me give you a quick back story. I am a life long crossdresser, I remember being about 4 years old the first time I snuck into my mothers clothes. It was about the age of 6, my mother caught me for the first time and I really truly felt like something wasn't right. I also for the first time realized I was goi

AmberShock

November 19, 2014

Finding Lisa

11/17/2014 Monday - Another crisis day for me.

11/17/2014 So out of the last two months, Monday had to be the worst gender - identity day for me. It was a crisis. Very distracting at work. I was sick to my stomach all day. Did not sleep well. All and all, not a good day to be a guy for me. I did ride the metro in. I am a big people watcher, so looking at all of the girls dressed to go to work made me think that I should be them. So, for me (just to let you know) this is no fantasy. I am extremely realistic about what I will encounter t

LovelyLisa

November 19, 2014

Finding Lisa

Introduction, Background / History, etc.

Introduction Hello my name is Lisa. I am a transgendered mtf. I've wanted to be female since I was 4 years old which was long time ago. I literally started dressing at 4 years old in preschool. They had womens dress up clothes. Their were no issues when I was the only one that wanted to dress up. But when I convinced all of the boys in the class to do it, those girly clothes just vanished. Later in first grade I wanted to be in Brownies but was soundly rejected in front of class, which was

LovelyLisa

November 19, 2014

Public Bathrooms vs. "Hold it"

Anyone newly transitioning will nod a big "YUP" to me about this issue, and maybe some of you trans-vets out there too. Public Bathrooms. The lou. The resty. The bowl of salvation, the think tank, the throne. Call it what you will, but the issues remain the same. Where the hell do we go? I'm FTM. I DREAD the bathrooms. I will literally try to be as stealthy as humanly possible to sneak in the door, find a stall, and wait there until people leave before I rush out and wash my hands then run

November 17, 2014

Rotating Hour Glass

Have you ever had to do something, but had to wait to do it? And in that time of waiting, it seems like time ticks by fast when you need it to slow down, and not fast enough when you want it gone? I suppose everyone has. But tuesday is really dragging on my mind. I mean, yeah, I need to see a therapist. I know I do, and I cant deny that. But in the same sense....I dont want to. I dread it. I dont want to open up. I dont want to sit down and talk to someone about my broken, ignored childhood.

November 17, 2014

kerig420's Blog

new kid on the block

Hi everyone. I'm new to this blog stuff and sharing things. I'm FTM, a guy? I don't know all the terms I'm a man stuck in a chicks body is how i put it. Been this way since I was 4 I'm 25 currently. Have had no help, since I just started going to therpy (my theripst is pushing to get more info and get out there a little) . My family isnt really supportive. I mean we dont really talk about it but the times we did it was like why would you do that. Only person I have is my wonderful girlfriend.

kerig420

November 16, 2014

Ups and Downs like a lifelong Roller Coaster

Today I had another doctors appointment, which is my regular monthly thing. I assume she were happy with what was going on, since she said she doesnt need to see me for another two months I've officially gone from 225-230 pounds, all the way down to 214 She wants to see me down at 210 or lower by the end of Janurary. GAME ON! So I kicked off my challange....with a bowl of ice cream. Darn it, I'm so bad at this >.< We talked for a while about the gender thing, and she got me seriously

November 15, 2014

Being a Failing Percentage

Did you know that the MTF to FTM percentage is 2.5 versus one? In the 1990s-2002, the estimated count for transgendered MTF was 14,000-20,000, versus the 1,000-8,000 FTM. Of course the numbers HAVE changed since that time, but the ratios stayed about the same. MTF transgenders greatly outnumber the amount of FTM individuals. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure if we'll ever really know. But the point is, finding any form of anything for a transgender is usually limited down to MTF. I've don

November 14, 2014

PamalaFlinn's Blog

Staying in or going out .

Please read this posting if you are having issues about going out in public or struggling with your identity.

PamalaFlinn

November 13, 2014

Finally, to be able to breathe...SHOWER YOGA!?

After several days of torment, several attempts not to harm myself, and several agonizing hours of enduring the silent remarks of those around me.....I finally had a tollerable night. Nothing too chaotic happened, really. My binders actually behaved today. I got up on time, did my exercise, and got to work on time. One of my co-workers actually has caught herself and is trying hard to make it a habit not to call me by any nickname feminine. She's really trying, though she messes up now and th

November 13, 2014

Dear Sugar

Have you heard of Cheryl Strayed, who has a column called "Dear Sugar?" If not, I suggest you find out about her. Check out her book "Tiny Beautiful Things." In hindsight I wish I'd included it in my Suggested Reading post. Below is a letter to her and her response. (I didn't really send it, but it's in tune with others in her book.) I'll also add that I wrote this about a year ago. I'm posting it now to reinforce my positive feelings in myself and, I hope it might help others. Dear Sugar

November 12, 2014

Break? Wtf is that?

My agony and enduring bull**** continues. I had to park almost a mile away from work again today, because there were no parking spaces. Then listened to a fifteen minute speech from a manager about how I have no excuse, there is "always parking spaces". Get into work on time, thankfully. And slam my hand into a door. Yay... Move my rearend to the front line and start doing my job, and I accidentally drop a 50 pound box of canned goodes right on my foot. THANKS A LOT. Limping around, I get th

November 12, 2014

Definition(s) of "Transition"

According to Google, the definition of transition is: "the process or period of changing from one state or condition to another." In the context of transgender, my sense is that it means moving toward a more final condition of living full time, HRT, and quite possibly, surgery. If you don't mind, I'd like to put a finer point on it and hear some feedback. In my career in high-tech marketing/sales we often used the phrase "we don't know what we don't know" to underscore our lack of understand

November 11, 2014

Every Day is either a Struggle or Adventure

Anyone going through the journey of one gender to another KNOWS that every day changes. For me, I have three stages I could hit. One day, I tollerate it. TOLLERATE it. It's on my mind all day, but I do my best to just do what I'm doing and ignore what's going on. Then I have my heartbreak days. Days when every instant that I remember what I'm going through and how I'm physically stuck, makes me want to curl up in a bathroom stall and cry till I cant breathe anymore. It physically HURTS to know

November 11, 2014

Seven Words can break a Heart

Work today started off as usual. I got there, I got rid of my backpack and such, got changed into my chef's gear, and got to work. Everything was normal. Well, as normal as it could be, anyway. That is...until after lunch. I headed to my locker to get my headphones for my ipod, but something fell out of my locker. A little piece of paper, folded up, crinkled, and written on. "Gender Queers Dont belong here, f*** off" It took me a good five minutes to read this fully, and for it to punch me

November 11, 2014

The borders of Sisterhood into Brotherly love

As some of you might know, I had my sixteen year old sister down at my place for about a week. The reason I did this was simple. She needed out. I look at my little sister and see a perfect replica of me at her age. Shy, outcasted, punk, stylish, misunderstood, and above all...depressed. She'd decided that eating is not something she HAS to do, and has resorted to eating about once a day, or even less on occasion. She hides in her room, away from the world. Not that I can blame her....my mother

November 10, 2014

Pushing Past the Terrifying Dip in Motivation

I've been feeling a little blue today. Like yesterday I'm questioning myself and have a lot of fearful thoughts in my head that are hard to fight. I subscribe to emails from Leo Babauta, who writes on his site Zen Habits. He's a neat guy, with a lot of good suggestions. Just now I saw this email from him, which I copied directly below. I hope/assume he'd be okay with my doing this since I'm attributing it all to him. He didn't write this with people dealing with TG issues like me in mi

November 9, 2014

What is Ambivalence Telling Me?

When I wrote my blog post about the "breaking of my fever" I asked myself if I was only experiencing the rush of gender euphoria. You know, that feeling of infatuation for a new love where you're so enthralled with finding the perfect soul mate... and you've only known them for a week or two. So, if my enthusiasm has waned even a bit, does this mean my journey is starting in the wrong direction? There are plenty of times when I reflect: Am I merely finding joy in exploring a childhood fantas

November 8, 2014

Just when it goes up, it comes back down

So, I went north (3 hr drive) and got my little sister for a week with me. So far it had been great! I finally got her to eat (shed been basically starving herself) and she's been eating randomly the whole time, which is awesome. (She's 16). She's kept up her end of the deal and hasnt done any self harm, and neither have I. We've both behaved. I've been spoiling her rotten, and I love it Bought her a new necklace which she hasnt taken off since we bought it, new earrings since none of her oth

November 7, 2014

Transgender Before Puberty

The documentary Just Gender has a short clip from a Barbara Walters 20/20 episode titled "My Secret Self: A Story of Transgender Children." You can (and I believe should) watch it here: One scene shows an 11-year old transgirl, Riley, with Barbara Walters. Riley is fully a girl on the outside and attends school as a girl although she must use the nurse's restroom. The school and students know she is biologically male and she is the brunt of childish teasing. When Barbara asks her how she