Dear DeeDee,

First, about hair removal. If I had never shaved or have not shaved in a long time, I would remove the long hairs with a razor. Use the razor designed for women, with the women's gel. Suggest you to shower first, to soften the hair. Then, you can use the epilator for maintenance.

Second, try to reach out and make friends with both cisgender and transgender women. These platonic friendships will be your lifeline. Don't even think about dating at this point - you have too much on your plate. You need and deserve support!

Everyone experiences the feeling of being a fraud during a learning curve in anything. 

Right now I am struggling to see myself as a real artist, not a fraud, when I am struggling to find my voice as an artist, and sometimes I don't like my own art! Know a musician who feels the same, as they freeze up in front of an audience.

The only solution for all concerned is to keep trucking on, one day at a time.

About the fingernails - all women occasionally break a nail - that is what artificial nails are for!

DeeDee, it will get better!

Your friend,

Monica

Take this with a grain of salt as you obviously know your family situation better, but as a child of divorced and remarried parents, the thing I most wanted was to be able to feel and express my feelings and conflicts with the stepmom without the pressure to get along.  This is completely me projecting my own experience and read this comment with that bias in mind.    It just felt a lot of the time like...my feelings about things, especially conflicts, didnt' matter and I was being trained to always view myself as I didn't matter as long as everyone else was happy. Perhaps let him talk about his feelings on the new person in his life, even if they're negative, and perhaps reinforcing the idea of 'you don't have to like him, but you do have to be civil to him as a human being' tone with suggestions on how to behave respectfully in teh contexts of the clashes he spoke of?  I know a person know who is divorced and the new person is really problematic, so much so that the children moved in with the non-custodial parent to escape the new live-in so.  Sometimes those clashes aren't just resentment of change, but a warning sign.  

Just my thoughts, feel free to ignore them if they don't apply!

Hi Dee,  

My thoughts on your ex-wife's partner and your son?  Your son may feel he has to choose between you and him which is an incorrect assumption.  He can have either or both, or one or the other, or neither either.  Just make sure he knows you'll always have his back as he works through this adjustment and nothing will ever change between him and you.  Just keep him talking to you even if it's about nothing.  You'll always be his DAD, but now you can to be his friend, too.

On being a fraud? Get that, totally.  Unfortunately, transitioning doesn't allow us to wave that magic wand and transform.  We have to go back and forth because a lifetime of relationships have been formed, as have responsibilities, commitments, and expectations, too.  It takes time and a plan to deal with all of them; we don't really desire to discard them but just figure a way to be true to them as who we really are.  

On hair removal?  Sorry Dee, it's a bummer.  Going for my 5th of 6 laser sessions in 2 weeks, and have had some 25 hours of electrolysis so far.  Definitely night and day with regard to shaving but not close yet to where I'd like to be.  I still have to shave daily ( I present 99.9% as Jess now), but most times only have to touch up with my electric razor.  Only 2 weeks into HRT and have heard that it will get easier hair-wise; I'll see how that goes. Still shaving the rest of my body.

On eating?  I never cared much about my weight before.  I started getting serious some 3 years ago and lost 55 lbs. slowly but methodically.  Jessica's weight today is not too bad although I still would like to shed another 10 lbs.  I weigh myself every morning first thing and get a quick jolt when I've succumbed to those "late night goodies".  I mean I don't want to make myself suffer, so I think my only alternative is to pick up the pace with some sort of exercise? 

On "fitting in with nice people"?  I'm pretty new at being a transwoman too.  Actually, before I never really fit in with anyone.  Oh, it was always just superficially, but now it's not "par" for the course.  It is the course.🙋‍♀️

Hi Dee,

It's good to hear from you. I also know what you mean about feeling like a fraud. I've been living and presenting as female as I can be for over a year and a half and I still struggle with that although not nearly as much. These days I just put on my clothes, whatever I feel looks good and is appropriate for what I'm going to be doing and for the weather. But I really notice what other women are wearing, too. I think about emulating them. 

I really like this from Monica:

6 hours ago, MonicaPz said:

Second, try to reach out and make friends with both cisgender and transgender women. These platonic friendships will be your lifeline. Don't even think about dating at this point - you have too much on your plate. You need and deserve support!

Everyone experiences the feeling of being a fraud during a learning curve in anything. 

I have some trans women friends but mostly I have cis women friends. Some lesbian, some not. All platonic. I seem to have been well accepted for me, whatever that is. We look out for each other, and hang out too. I'm probably lucky compared to you to live in the Seattle area where there are so many people. If I was in a smaller community it would be harder to make such a variety of friends.

I think Monica's correct also that we feel like a fraud at anything as we gain in proficiency. As we work on the learning curve our amygdala — trying to protect us — warns that maybe this isn't right for us. We question, for example, are we really trans? Life might be easier in some ways if we weren't especially as we contemplate coming out to friends and family, and living out in public. Over time, at least for me, I gradually just lost caring and I am just out as myself. Sure, I'm shy about my voice at times, and also envious of cis women. But I suspect that you too will gradually feel more comfortable and yes, proud, of being your authentic self. 

1 hour ago, Jessicatoyou said:

On being a fraud? Get that, totally.  Unfortunately, transitioning doesn't allow us to wave that magic wand and transform.  We have to go back and forth because a lifetime of relationships have been formed, as have responsibilities, commitments, and expectations, too.  It takes time and a plan to deal with all of them; we don't really desire to discard them but just figure a way to be true to them as who we really are.  

I also like what Jess wrote about being a fraud, or feeling like one. Part of it is our own internalized transphobia where we kind of feel a bias against transwomen because of so much social training over the years. We direct that at ourselves too. 

This is all good stuff to discuss with a therapist, to write about in a journal. Both, actually. Write more about it here too.

Emma

9 hours ago, MonicaPz said:

try to reach out and make friends with both cisgender and transgender women. These platonic friendships will be your lifeline. Don't even think about dating at this point - you have too much on your plate. You need and deserve support!

Hi Monica, I think I am going to have to do this soon, I have many cis female friends but will have to come out to them in order to get support and finding an lgbt group will involve travelling down to the closest big town. I need more real life experience as Dee too and in the back of my head I am working out how to keep a mini Dee-case in my boot so I can change and go into town on the days I don't have the children.

I decided to share my experience with the epilator because while most people seem to shave until they just no longer need to - I really do not have the time to shave all over daily which I would need to do. Even when I do I hate looking down and seeing the dark roots just under the skin. It seems like a good compromise for someone on their own who is not going to make an appointment for a waxing session.

I cannot get away with artificial nails at the moment either, growing my natural ones out with clear varnish is as much as I can hope for, with the occassional stick on nails for a day when I can.

Briannah, thank you for your input.  My son is a very good judge of character, so I am not going to push him to like the new man in his mums life, but he is being brought up to be respectful and until he is older he knows that he is not the boss, adults are. 

8 hours ago, Briannah said:

'you don't have to like him, but you do have to be civil to him as a human being

With his ASD some people can find him challenging, especially as he likes to control his environment - he chose to live with me because it is a quieter and more stable household and he gets more gaming time. His sister stays with her mum, she is also on the Autistic spectrum but loves all the social things that her mum does. Both children have been told they can choose to go and live with the other parent at any point if they want to, but they will still do holidays and visits until they get to 16 and can decide for themselves.

8 hours ago, Jessicatoyou said:

On eating?  I never cared much about my weight before.  I started getting serious some 3 years ago and lost 55 lbs. slowly but methodically.  Jessica's weight today is not too bad although I still would like to shed another 10 lbs.  I weigh myself every morning first thing and get a quick jolt when I've succumbed to those "late night goodies".  I mean I don't want to make myself suffer, so I think my only alternative is to pick up the pace with some sort of exercise? 

According to the online calculators a female my height should weigh 153 lbs or less, but I am currently at 218 lbs - I carry it well but my stomach is gross in my opinion.  I had gotten down to under 200 at Christmas and then have slowly eaten it all back on these last few months - I rarely drink but I do love my carbs - pizzas, burgers, pasta, breads. I have a half eaten chocolate bunny beside my bed that I need to throw out. It isn't so much that I don't know what to eat but more like I enjoy eating too much. I have signed up with my nephew and sister to do a 10 mile night time hill race next March so I am determined to work on my fitness which should start to bring my weight down if I can get back to eating properly and find a routine that works for me.  I like womens clothes too much to want to wear baggies all the time - I do not mind being a UK 12-14, as that is average these days despite what the shops seem to try and tell women, but anything over a UK 18 for me personally is too big.

7 hours ago, Emma said:

I also know what you mean about feeling like a fraud. I've been living and presenting as female as I can be for over a year and a half and I still struggle with that although not nearly as much. These days I just put on my clothes, whatever I feel looks good and is appropriate for what I'm going to be doing and for the weather. But I really notice what other women are wearing, too. I think about emulating them. 

 

It is that balancing act between finding out what is genuinely me and making sure that I am not just trying to be something I am not. For instance when I wear a wig I instantly feel prettier and more girly. It makes me smile and puts a slight spring in my step whether or not I have chosen to put makeup on. Yet male me has been bald for my entire adult life and I am fighting an internal battle to be able to dress and feel womanly without hair because that is more natural - how can I tell my friends, this is who I really am when they will look at me and see a dude in womens clothes and a wig? How do I get past that?

I have realised that 99% of the time when I am checking out a woman I am actually looking at their outfit and trying to decide what about it I like or dislike - I like calf boots with jeans and leggings, I love skirts and dresses with loose scarves or long necklaces - I hate little puffer jackets and trouser jumpsuits. After I have noticed all of this then I get to the face and do the - "oh, she's pretty" or not lol. I have never been one for window shopping people, to rate someone else you have to be able to rate yourself and that is something I have always struggled with - I used to love sitting and making up stories about who people were and what they were doing as they walked past 

7 hours ago, Emma said:

Part of it is our own internalized transphobia where we kind of feel a bias against transwomen because of so much social training over the years. We direct that at ourselves too. 

This is all good stuff to discuss with a therapist, to write about in a journal. Both, actually. Write more about it here too.

I get the internalised transphobia - I realised that me not wanting to be trans but being happy to hear others successes was doing exactly that. It was the same with dysphoria - it took me a while to recognise that not liking my body hair would come under that category. Worrying about the whole, "can I pass" is that too - it is not that I want to be seen as an attractive woman, but that I do not want to be seen as a man dressing as a woman. In my head that is an important distinction.

I will continue to write - as you can tell by these responses I find it so much easier to say what I feel when I write compared to in person - my voice is not terribly low, I am a tenor in tone and my sisters are not much higher, but I have a deepness in tone that they do not. Our speech patterns and mannerisms are very similar.

I will keep spending my money on hair removal - once a month is all I can afford, but it is giving me such a boost and one of these days I hope to be Dee when I come to the appointments, or at least start to ask about subtle eyebrow shaping and nails which would have to still be subtle but is definitely going to be a way of me expressing myself.

With my money going on hair it does mean that for now writing is the only way to express myself- for better or worse the internet and by extension this wonderful community have become my counsellor  Through the NHS I am on a waiting list to speak to someone at a gender identity clinic which is in mid October because of my hesitancy last October (the trade off for the wait is that this is free, paid or through my tax over the years I have been working) - my assumption is that they will make an appointment for me to meet with a gender therapist and I will be placed on another waiting list for that; at the moment I am at the point where I want to explore my transgender feelings more in depth, and to pretty much have someone tell me that this is not all in my head (or connected to my marriage ending and that I am just a very confused crossdresser). I want to try hormones for a month or so because from what I have researched it is almost a lightbulb moment in that either it feels very wrong or it feels very right - that would be huge for me.

So, how does a country girl go about being a girl when she has very limited time and opportunities?

Other than moving to Seattle? Which may be a wonderful future holiday option but is not practical for the average day.

💖

As a total P.S I finished epilating my legs this morning after a shower and my word are they smooth compared to shaving! It is like having that sensation from the first time I removed all the hair with cream 🤭🤭 No perfect all over, but that is more my fault than the machine. I am going to be gutted when I have to go back to boy mode later on this afternoon -  I love, love, love how this feels!  Now to see if this lasts and if it is easier to stay on top of than shaving alone.

6 hours ago, ScottishDeeDee said:

According to the online calculators a female my height should weigh 153 lbs or less, but I am currently at 218 lbs - I carry it well but my stomach is gross in my opinion. 

I think it's important to realize what we compare ourselves to. I know for me that as I go about my errands and so forth I'm noticing attractive women (young and older), and it's those that I compare myself with. But when we allow our gaze to open up to a wider lens we see that, as with men, there are all sorts of women out there, many of whom are larger than your 218 lbs or my 175. I'm confident that many of them are aware of their weight and shape relative to others, frustrated, and self-disparaging. But they have what God gave them (if you will) and those who carry themselves with pride and beauty, I admire and am drawn to. 

I have a good cis woman friend who has a trans daughter. She glows from within with energy, love, and kindness. She's also very professional and accomplished. A terrific mom to her adopted children. I love seeing her, getting together for dinner, whatever. She's also heavy (I have no idea how much of course) and her Germanic face isn't what I'd be attracted to as a dating partner, which is good because she's happily married! 

The point I'm trying to make is that your feelings are very understandable. As trans women we're not only envious of attractive women and hold ourselves up to their "standards," we are also hyper aware of our masculine foundations in face and body. I guess there are two issues:

1. We don't want to look like men in women's clothing, perhaps the butt of jokes and derision, but also standing out too much. 

2. We want to see ourselves in the mirror and in our mind's eye as at least somewhat attractive and feminine. 

Both of those are tough and for those of us who're older especially hard. The most important thing is to try to work on building what we see and are in our mind's eye. Sure, dress as nicely (and appropriately) as you can so that other women will also see that we're making the best of it. You'll find that other women will smile at you. There is a camaraderie between women of similar age. They appreciate the situation we're in and with their body language and smile it's like they're saying, "You go, girl!"  Yes, there are some who scowl or raise their eyebrows. I've learned to smile at them as we walk past each other and, you know, most find it impossible to smile back.

But, how to build up our own pride and presence in the face of such fears and self-awareness? You may have heard of "fake it until you make it." I'm not recommending faking it, that's all too similar to what we've done trying to be men. What I am recommending is that we go about our lives with a smile on our face, head held high, sitting tall and with good posture, and generally carrying ourselves as polite and gracious women. Recognize when old habits such as slouching or walking folded over creep in and then adjust accordingly. I think what you'll find is that the positive feedback you'll receive will help it become easier to just go about, actually more confident and proud of yourself. It's self-fulfilling. 

6 hours ago, ScottishDeeDee said:

So, how does a country girl go about being a girl when she has very limited time and opportunities?

I don't know and I don't envy your situation. Perhaps it's doing things like having "Dee Weekends" where you drive to a larger city/area and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights. Get yourself out there and learn by doing and being Dee for most if not all of the time you're there. Maybe you hang out at a coffee shop and just read a book or magazines, write in your journal. Go shopping for whatever, presents for your kids, books, anything. Even clothes. I especially recommend looking for women's clothing consignment shops. In larger cities there are those that cater to larger women. We have an independent store near me called "Two Big Blondes," for example. (If you visit Seattle I'll take you there!) Also, take walks, perhaps long ones, either in the city or the countryside. Good exercise and it's calming to notice and love what nature shows you.

Perhaps through that you'll gradually find yourself more comfortable presenting and being Dee. And through that you'll slowly find more about what's important for you. If nothing else you'll have much more to talk to therapists about in October and later. 

Best wishes,

Emma

Dee,

Another idea: develop a list of possible trans conferences, both in Europe and sure, in the US. Consider attending at least one, and start making plans to go. 

Gender Odyssey, a conference here in Seattle, was the first time I presented as female in public. It was in August 2017. I was originally planning to gradually add to my presentation over the three days but a mentor advised that I just go for it. I so enjoyed myself! Just walking around as myself, attending lectures and discussions, hanging out and making friends. i'd suggest Gender Odyssey for you but they've discontinued the adult program; their now focused on families and professionals. But there are others.

For example, here's one near me that starts in three weeks: https://www.espritconf.com

Here's a list of US conferences I just found: https://tcne.org/transgender-conference-list/

Emma

14 hours ago, ScottishDeeDee said:

Briannah, thank you for your input.  My son is a very good judge of character, so I am not going to push him to like the new man in his mums life, but he is being brought up to be respectful and until he is older he knows that he is not the boss, adults are. 

With his ASD some people can find him challenging, especially as he likes to control his environment - he chose to live with me because it is a quieter and more stable household and he gets more gaming time. His sister stays with her mum, she is also on the Autistic spectrum but loves all the social things that her mum does. Both children have been told they can choose to go and live with the other parent at any point if they want to, but they will still do holidays and visits until they get to 16 and can decide for themselves.

Can't beat gaming time!   My nephew is on the spectrum, and I understand what you mean about controlling his environment.  Stability means so much!  And that is true for all of us, spectrum or no.  I'm glad everyone seems comfortable in their situations!

Thank you Emma, some of those events look amazing- the idea of having a "big sister" to look after you is really sweet and certainly something I would do! - some of the others have plenty of space for chatting and socialising which is likely what I would want to do most - for an introvert I do love being in the company of others - it is hard to beat good company or good music. 🎶

I will do some more research into them, although going on holiday without my children just does not seem right for me at the moment.

Briannah  - yup gaming time is an important part of the daily de-stressing ritual - my ex split up with me before I started questioning my gender and I suspect that her man was a catalyst for that happening (this was the 3rd time she had left me and I know they had been together last time we were seperated), but it gave me the push to start looking at myself properly to see why I was unhappy and why she had left me; that coupled with a halloween fancy dress party made me start questioning my gender for the first time in my life. To say it was a shock is an understatement and I am really only just coming to terms with being trans and starting to explore what that means for me. Losing some of that stability and the possibility of losing my children (11 & 12) either through my ex deciding to try and fight for custody or through the children not wanting/able to deal with me being transgender genuinely terrifies me. Meanwhile life goes on around me like nothing has really happened because what else can I do? Theoretically I want to do exactly the same things I am doing now, just interacting and being perceived socially as the female I feel and emotionally connect with on the inside. The children have always come first for me and always will, but how can I tell them it is okay to be themselves in this world if I do not live that out for myself?

Sorry it became a bit of an intro unintentionally 😁🙄

I wish you the best of luck wtih all of it, and  hope that it all works out!   I'm about to go kill as many pixelated creatures as possible for that same destressing reason.  IF this house sells soon, we're installing a hot tub for Nikki's back.  I think Nikki is harboring some hope a hot soak after all the crazy will chill me out, but until then, I'm going to save Skyrim.  Again.  LOL

Dear DeeDee,

Am all for separating ("leaving") once for the mind of both parties to clear (not an excuse to cheat), but more than that, it becomes a game.

DeeDee, you deserve better than that!

Hope to hear you have a new boundary for any future relationships.

Just to let you know . . . she's no prize!

Your friend,

Monica

Thank you Monica, I know it seems sad but it was not something I could see while I was in the relationship. Even though my sisters did tell me several times that I was being a doormat, but I knew that when we finally split up it was not because of a lack of effort on my part.

I am very doubtful at the moment that I will have any future relationships. Doomed not to be held or have grown up snuggles on the sofa, but I never got them thrughout most of my marriage... so one thing at a time.

Lets see who I am first !

Seeing who you are first and finding yourself is the best thing you can do,  relationships just work so much better when we sort that out, and let life happen.  You never know who you'll cross paths with, just be open!