Dear Jennifer,

This reminds me of a similar story, but the story ended happier. The man was a white supremacist and part of a white supremacist gang. He had tattoos all over him, mostly with the swastika.

He not only apologized to the man he beat up, but he also volunteered to work with a Jewish anti-hate organization. He and the man he nearly killed give talks side by side. He had the tattoos removed and he has to watch his back from his former "friends."

Is it possible that you could work with a Gay anti-hate organization?

People need to learn the powerful lesson that people can change.

Here's a story about a woman who changed:

Am sorry, but the link no longer works. You will need to go to my Blog next to yours and access the link from there.

The man you abused is caught up in his own inability to forgive. That is work he must do when he is ready.

You need to forgive him for not forgiving you and you must forgive yourself. That doesn't mean punish yourself. But it means living the rest of your life doing everything you can to undo the hate. This means seeking out every anti-hate organization, and putting yourself in their service. They may want you to give talks in churches and schools.

Hope this helps. Please let us know how it goes.

Still your friend,

Monica

I agree with Monica...the man involved in the the encounter also has things he needs to work on.  Understandably so, but now he must also grapple with the fact that you came to him, olive branch in hand.

You took that first step - sort of like a substance abuser has to first admit they have a problem. You should now try to forgive yourself, and seriously consider Monica's suggestion that you volunteer with some sort of anti-hate group.

You are on the path to healing this wound.  Don't let the victim's inability to meet you in the middle, stop you.  You can't make him accept your apology or forgive you.  Besides healing yourself, all you can do is hope that one day he contacts you.  If he doesn't, go on knowing you tried, and have since worked at doing the right thing.

-Michael

I have found a site to volunteer with. It's as a chatroom monitor for LGBTQ teens. If I'm accepted, training should start soon. It still doesn't make up for what I've done, but at least it's doing something good instead of something harmful.

10 hours ago, MonicaPz said:

The man you abused is caught up in his own inability to forgive. That is work he must do when he is ready.

You need to forgive him for not forgiving you and you must forgive yourself. That doesn't mean punish yourself. But it means living the rest of your life doing everything you can to undo the hate. This means seeking out every anti-hate organization, and putting yourself in their service. They may want you to give talks in churches and schools.

I don't think I am the one that needs to forgive anything. I am the one that needs to ask for forgiveness. I wouldn't be able to forgive him if the tables were turned. He has every right to hate me. If he wishes me anything other than ill will, I would be beyond shocked. I truly believe that I deserve the same beating, for the same reason, that I did to him. I'm not eagerly looking for it, and I wouldn't enjoy it. But you don't always enjoy what you get. And this is something he never for any reason whatsoever should have gotten.

Say what you want, but I will never be able to stop hating myself for having done this. I was a stupid, cruel, hateful piece of trash. And part of it was because I refused to admit who and what I am.

When I think about that night, not only do I start crying, but I want to throw up. I have thought many times, that if I thought I could take the pain, I would rip out my own eye in a small bit of penance. It's the least I could do.

Maybe, having to live with the knowledge of what I did until the day I die, (whether that be tomorrow or 50 years from now) is my punishment.

BA,

We've all made mistakes in our lives. And while yours was especially egregious and wrong your apology to him is admirable, really. As you wrote you still have to live with the shame and guilt. 

Here's my confession: I have an acquaintance who's about 60yo, black, and a journeyman carpenter and jack of all trades. I've hired him on several occasions and he's paid well! We enjoyed working together, joking back and forth, that sort of thing. He's taught me a thing or two about construction as well as his life being black. As an example, he was almost hung when he was a young boy. Why? Because he walked on a wealthy white man's lawn. 

Anyway, as I said we joked about all sorts of things. A couple of times I joked that I kept people in my basement for unsaid reasons. He laughed, took no offense. About a year ago I apologized to his face. He assured me that he knew I was just making a joke and it was all okay.

Still, about a week ago my "joke" continued to haunt me. I sent him this text msg :

Hello _____, I’ve thought of you often, wondered how you’re doing, and hoping for the best. Maybe you won another lottery? (He did, actually, win a $1M lottery! But that's another story.)

No, I’m not writing about a possible work project. The reason I’m writing is that I have been and am ashamed how I joked to you about keeping people in my basement. I didn’t have the impression that I’d upset you but nonetheless I wish to sincerely apologize. 

It’s true that I have no real understanding of what it is like to be black. It’s easy for me to think that I do, but how would I? 

I well remember your telling me about the man who threatened you when you were a boy, about walking on his lawn. Here we are now, a half century later, still witnessing such abhorrent inequality, disrespect, and violence against people of color.

I just wanted you to know that I’m aware of how my words may have hurt. Honestly, I never ever intended them to. You and I were having fun and I joked in a way that I should not have.

Be well, safe, and true, ______.

Later that day he called me to reassure me that he's fine and while he didn't see any need to apologize he appreciated my note. We then got caught up we each others lives and signed off. 

As you said, BA, like you I continue to hold that experience in my memory and I've learned from it.

13 hours ago, Blackangel said:

I will never be able to stop hating myself for having done this. I was a stupid, cruel, hateful piece of trash. And part of it was because I refused to admit who and what I am.

And part of it was because of how you were raised.  Neither is an excuse, true enough.  As a person gets older and begins to experience life, they should hopefully begin to see and understand any short-comings they might have been raised under, and work on change.  In your case, you know that you were raised being taught to hate anyone who was different from yourself.  You came to realize that that is wrong.  THAT is why this incident bothers you - you learned.  Not exactly the ideal way to learn, but learn you did that how you were raised was wrong and hurtful.

You've also grown and realize that part of what you took out on another person, was the anger inside of yourself as a bi-sexual and transgender individual.  But even that hate was taught and learned because our society cannot deal with diversity.  You hated yourself because what you were being taught made you believe there was something wrong with you.

And something occurred to me while reading the recent posts - the guy you beat up, could possibly be suffering his own self-loathing for being gay.  Self-loathing that he learned to subject himself to because of society.  It's possible that he's walked around all this time believing that he deserved that beating.  A very sad thing to think, to consider.  But it's possible.  Could be he's also been hurting all this time for similar reasons as your own.

-Mike

On 6/23/2020 at 10:11 PM, MonicaPz said:

You need to forgive him for not forgiving you and you must forgive yourself. That doesn't mean punish yourself. But it means living the rest of your life doing everything you can to undo the hate. This means seeking out every anti-hate organization, and putting yourself in their service. They may want you to give talks in churches and schools.

I would never be able to do that. I couldn't go in front of people and tell them what I did. I don't have the courage to do that. I think a lot of the reason is the shame. The shame may be exactly the reason to do it, but I still don't think I could. Whether it was at a school, religious institute (church, synagogue, mosque, etc.) or conference of some sort, I just don't think I could put myself out there. I can think of 3 things it would take to get me to do it. And that's being generous.

1) An act of god.
2) A cattle prod
3) A hell of a lot of encouragement and support.

I would probably need a bucket with me so that I would have somewhere to throw up while telling the story.

Gods forgive me, when I think of this, I just want to die.

Dear Jennifer,

You started here at TGGuide.

Take one step at a time.

Yours truly,

Monica

Hi Jen,

That must have been incredibly tough to share. Very few people go through life acknowledging the hurt that they have caused another, physical or otherwise - let alone show remorse for it.

Just know that while it is a post full of pain you have also proved that people can and do change and that compassion is greater than hatred. Forgiveness is not something anyone can just do, it take a conscious effort.

My opinion may not count for much but I assure you that if anything it has gone up and not down. 

All my best.

Dee

x

🤗

@ScottishDeeDee Your opinion matters more than you know.

If I was a goddess, I would change the past. I would grant people a do-over for their most serious transgressions. But that's not possible, as I'm not a goddess, and none of the Gods will allow me to do that.

I don't know where to go when I think of this.

Do I go up?
Do I go down?
Do I go left?
Do I go right?

Is it black?
Is it white?
Is it gray?
Is it some other color of the rainbow?

At the time of the incident, I was mixed with a million different feelings.

Something told me to stop. That I was going to kill him.
Something else told me to keep going until I killed him. That that was what a "real man" does with f**s.
Something asked me why I was doing it when I was no different from him. It reminded me that I was bi. I didn't know what transgender was at the time, but it reminded me that I was supposed to have been a girl.
And something reminded me that I was as useless as nipples on a bull.

Something inside me hoped that someone bigger and stronger than me would come up on the scene, see what was going on, save him, and beat my ass.

I don't know what I could do as a penance. Mainly because I don't know if there is anything that would in any way matter in comparison.

I hate myself, and always will. But that's my cross to bear, as they say.

If anyone believes in prayer, then please send him your prayers. I don't know his name, only his face, so I can't tell you who to send them to by name. All I can call him is Him.

Dear Jennifer,

The Higher Power knows his name.

Am assured my thoughts and prayers will go to the right place.

Am also thinking of you, and how courageous you are not only to admit this but to seek to do something about it.

Your friend,

Monica

All I really know at this point is that the man downstairs has the red carpet rolled out for me, so to speak.

Jen, that is a terrible thing to have to bear with you for the rest of your life! I'm crying as I write this. Both for you and the gay man involved. We can't change the way we were raised, and we can't change the past. After the fact, you did all you could do for this person, and that is a very brave thing to do. You are still beating yourself up over this, and that may be the penance you are paying. But I dearly love the idea that you have offered your time as monitor in the LGBT teens chat room. I hope it works out and you get to do it! It would be a good place to start, and once you are comfortable doing that, you might reach out farther to support others, and to prevent hate. But indeed, one step at a time. Keep up the good work, and keep the love in your heart strong. You know it's there, and it burns bright! Keep going on this route, and for the man downstairs you'll be a very tough nut to crack.

PS.: if you think it might help, I can send you a cattle prod