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I receive a weekly email from Brain Pickings on Sunday mornings that often has inspirational vignettes. Today, they wrote, "Neruda relays an anecdote from his childhood that profoundly influenced not only his poetry but also his understanding of art and of life itself:" One time, investigating in the backyard of our house in Temuco the tiny objects and minuscule beings of my world, I came upon a hole in one of the boards of the fence. I looked through the hole and saw a landscape like that behind our house, uncared for, and wild. I moved back a few steps, because I sensed vaguely that something was about to happen. All of a sudden a hand appeared – a tiny hand of a boy about my own age. By the time I came close again, the hand was gone, and in its place there was a marvelous white sheep. The sheep’s wool was faded. Its wheels had escaped. All of this only made it more authentic. I had never seen such a wonderful sheep. I looked back through the hole, but the boy had disappeared. I went into the house and brought out a treasure of my own: a pinecone, opened, full of odor and resin, which I adored. I set it down in the same spot and went off with the sheep. To feel the intimacy of brothers is a marvelous thing in life. To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life. But to feel the affection that comes from those whom we do not know, from those unknown to us, who are watching over our sleep and solitude, over our dangers and our weaknesses – that is something still greater and more beautiful because it widens out the boundaries of our being, and unites all living things. That exchange brought home to me for the first time a precious idea: that all of humanity is somehow together... It won’t surprise you then that I attempted to give something resiny, earthlike, and fragrant in exchange for human brotherhood. Just as I once left the pinecone by the fence, I have since left my words on the door of so many people who were unknown to me, people in prison, or hunted, or alone. This resonated with me and I think it relates to TG Guide. Our postings are like gifts of resiny pinecones, fragrant with perfume. Sincerely, Emma Photo: I used to regularly go all over China on business trips, and once in a private dining room in Shenzhen the walls were covered in old photos like this one. I was mesmerized looking through windows into the past. I couldn't stop looking at this woman. She's so beautiful, so poised, and so pensive. What do you think she's thinking about?

I don't believe in a one size fits all prescription for transition. I was never a fan of the Benjamin Standards of Care. I recall flipping back and forth between male and female in my early transition stages. Like you, eventually I was passing as female even when I was trying to pass as male. One day I made the decision to transition completely and I never looked back. My life has been more fulfilling and successful since my transition than it ever was prior. I believe one of the keys is acceptance of responsibility for my own happiness and success. It's been a matter of doing what I need to do. Being female hasn't always been a perfect fit for me, and my transition certainly wasn't perfect -- but I have worked it out and life is pretty darn near perfect now. :)

When an adventure requires its central character to play the role of hero and damsel the plot becomes very confusing and at odds with itself very quickly, this was an experience to be savoured and suffered. I finally took the final step on escaping the cross-dresser skin that had wrapped me up so tight. I stepped out of this all-encompassing cocoon and tip-toed delicately and naked in the free air as woman for the first time. Gone was the awkward, exaggerated mannerisms and grace and beauty was found. For the first time I blushed at a mans affections rather than acting like a man in a dress, I felt like one of the girls and discovered just how different and real my situation is now. For the first time I belong. The outsider is in from the cold. It may not have been as realistic as the picture dictates but for the first time I had a place to call my own and my confidence blossomed into a powerhouse that was a runaway steam train on fire. I strutted my stuff, wiggled my arse and other revellers called me miss and sweetie! Arriving at this monumental part of my life has excited as well as humbled me, freedom has never been so close, the jailor had forgotten to lock the cell door and my escape has begun. With all my strength my cell door has been broken and I breathe free air for the first time. While all this excitement was happening inside me some very real experiences also cropped up that I had not considered before. Using the little ladies room for the first time was very surreal and I actually felt fear as I fumbled with makeup and tried to smile with the other girls. Now, any man will know that using the gents is normally a quiet experience, a place of reflection, you think about how to get home, what you are going to say to the pretty girl next, and so on. It is a generally peaceful place, where men clear their throats and spit in the trough, they may joke with one another very briefly about how liberating that first mighty piss is. But what hit me like a tidal wave upon entering the ladies was absolute chaos, girls huddled in groups nattering like a mothers meetings, tissue and makeup gunk everywhere, and I am surprised there is not a sand shortage with all the mirrors lined up one after the other. I think a few of my fellow toilet dwellers could sense my anguish with this strange world, one actually asked if I was okay, I brushed it off as being a little tipsy but on reflection I wish I had explained my inexperience. Another aspect that I have to improve on very quickly is applying makeup while standing up. I have practiced and practiced at my make shift dresser at home, but nothing prepared me to have to stand, with others watching, and make myself beautiful. I had visions of the chaos but no imagination could have prepared me for this! Later on in the evening, after I had become rather drunk, I was now stumbling about as opposed to gliding like a flower on the breeze, my next experience is one that has taught me the biggest practical lesson to being a woman. Whatever is going on, where ever you are, no matter who you are with, never, ever under any circumstances lose your handbag. I was trying to make my way through an overcrowded corridor of the club and as I passed through a doorway another clubber hooked onto my handbag some how and it was ripped from my shoulder and back into where I had come from. At first I could not actually believe it. I started searching furiously around me and started to panic. Phone, money, cards, not to mention the cost of replacing all that makeup! I was like a damsel in distress and while at the time all I could think about was to not start crying, the actual emotion has added to my overall experience and made me feel more like a woman. Luckily my handbag had ended up with some lovely doorstaff who not only gave me back my little bag of tricks but comforted me to some degree, again adding to my feeling of real womanhood. I am liberated and cannot wait for more days like this.

When it comes to being transgendered, it's not just an inside confession or a validation of yourself in your own mind, but it's an outward expression. It's a chance to take your gender that you were born with on the outside, and throw it in your trashcan, light that ***** on fire and say "Good Riddance" But sometimes it's not as easy to figure out how to do that when it comes to clothes. If you spent your life like me, wandering the Girls section at walmart and curling your nose at all the pink and purples around you, it can be a little bit challenging to walk happily into the men's section. At first it were overwhelming, and I started out small. Something trivial at first, something that wont make a huge impact on the way I dressed. Yet. Boxers. I'd spent years suffering the annoyance of women's underwear, never finding anything that I found comfortable and enjoyable. Plus all those annoying, girly patterns irked me so bad! So when I finally decided enough was enough and went to get my first pair of boxers, I was as excited as I was to get my driver's permit. What I grabbed (And I recommend highly) is cotton "Fruit of the Loom" boxer briefs with the "No ride up" legs. They've been a miracle in my life, and I've never been so comfortable ever. And finally...NO GIRLY PATTERNS!!! Love em. They cost me about 13.00$ at Walmart, which really isnt that bad when you consider that you get about eight of them, and it's slightly more than womens underwear but.....oh the comfort.... For any first-timers of FTM, I would recommend doing this ALONE. You're going to be nervous and excited, and nothing kills that like someone staring over your shoulder. Next thing I ditched were womens jeans. SO FRUSTRATING! All the womens jeans fit weird, and they hugged you like spandex, or were stretchy with no cargo pockets;.....ugh. Plus, again, those damn patterns >.< Why put designs on my butt?! So, going ALONE again, I wandered to the men's. First of all, the sizings are VERY VERY different. Not only in the fact that they're made different, but they're labelled a lot different. Because as it happens, men are a lot less picky on fitting than women I greatly recommend taking like four or five pair to the changing room and seeing what you like, fit-wise. It took me about four tries before finding a pair I liked. But I never felt more confident than I did when I ditched my ladies' pants. HALLELUJAH! Finally, shirts. This one is something I've had difficulty with. I've learned right off the bat that Binders/Compression shirts under T-shirts....they just dont cut it. You can still see your 'lumps' and tshirts hide absolutely NOTHING from the public eye. Sweaters are great, yeah. Hoodies are my thing. I have a bright yellow hoody with a label on the breast/chest of it and it sort of draws the attention away from my chest a little. But in the summer, I just CANT STAND IT. Way too hot!! So with some exploring and experimenting, I have discovered the best thing for FTMs is PATTERNS. Distracting patterns are the best thing to hide away your chest, I've found. My favorite so far has been plaid patterns. Dark red and black are my favorites, and they hide my chest fairly well if I slouch a little (which is kinda guy-attitude anyway. dont be afraid to slouch a little, only chicks have pinstraight backs all the time ) Not only are the patterns cool for hiding things, but usually the shortsleeve or longsleeve plaid (Button up ones are best!) shirts can come in A LOT of different colors, and can be either very thin for summer or the thicker ones for wintertime. They're really versatile. Jewelry. I personally dont wear jewelry (aside from a necklace from my boyfriend, but it hides under my shirts because it is kinda girly) because of an allergy to silver, and white gold is so darn expensive. But in terms of jewelry for FTMs, you want to keep it kind of to a minimum. Necklaces are alright to an extent, but nothing super flashy and "Look at me!" Rings, limited. Nothing with a ton of designs or petite ones with the stones on them. Earrings....well that's sort of obvious. Guys dont usually wear them, and if they do, its just earring studs. Nothing flashy. Wristbands are alright, watches are cool, and some people even tend to put those chains from their belts to their wallets. Those are "okay" but sort of fallen out of style, just FYI. Shoes are pretty obvious. You dont want to be running around in pink sneakers or high heels. Most importantly: BE COMFORTABLE!! If you're not comfortable in what you're wearing, DONT WEAR IT. You shouldnt have to change your sense of comfort just so you can fit in. The whole point is to feel like yourself, not like you're trying to fit the image of someone else. There are very feminine (some ppl call them 'The Gay Transguys'? From what I was told, dont quote me on that) FTMs who still are very much in touch with their 'girly' side, and that's totally cool! Me personally, I'm more of the punk/emo/nerdy guy, so I like the bare basics and nothing over masculine. I'm comfortable in my plaid, jeans, and converse sneakers or steel toe work boots. It's different for everyone, I'm just giving out some pointers and hoping to give you some ideas! NOW.......BINDERS. I'm still struggling with this one, as I'm very new to the scene. BUT.....wrapping yourself in ducttape, ace bandage, or the stretchy bandages...is NOT okay. I know, I really do. You want to hide it, hell some times you want to just cut them off for good despite the pain. But trust me...this is not the way to go. I tried the bandages, and believe me when I say, they hurt. They rub, they leave rashes, they limit your breathing, theyre hot and hold in sweat. Not only that but they are HIGHLY WORTHLESS in terms of actually staying where you need them. Dont even bother. Ducttape will rip your skin, leave rashes, damage your ribs, etc. It's even worse than the bandage. I know, believe me, I do. That buying something while you're still 'keeping quiet' is NOT easy, and its almost embarrassing. BUT....here's what I did. First, I started out with a website called Underworks. This is what I bought: http://www.underworks.com/cotton-concealer-chest-binder I have to say that this product is....'Okay'. It's not what I was originally 'supposed' to buy and isnt really a binder. Like I said, I'm a beginner in this too, so I werent sure what I was even buying. But I told my boyfriend I wanted it to help with my backpain, which was a lie, yes, but it worked. It does the job well enough, I guess. Better than a Bra anyway! It wasnt really cutting it and I was losing weight, so I took another step. Compression tank. https://www.underarmour.com/en-us/mens-heatgear-sonic-compression-sleeveless/pid1236226-400 That's what I bought, and I wear that OVER the other top. I know it's NOT a binder, but it works well enough, for now. Originally I were wearing it UNDER the other shirt, but it would rub on my underarms and the other shirt would ride up and slip up over my chest, and not work at all. Since I've switched them around, it's worked a lot better. I have both shirts in black, because the white ones are sort of see through when you put them on. Not only is the underarmour a good company with great quality stuff, but some (if not most) of their products are HEAT SHEILDED. Meaning all that sweat you get under your shirts will be whisked away, and you'll be left nice and cool instead of melting. This will GREATLY help you avoid getting heat rashes under your clothes. That's all I got right now, and this has turned out a LOT longer than I thought it would be Oh well I hope I were of SOME help! -Warren

Prior to perusing my current path to transition I did many things correct except one thing which was to try and fit in better. The main reason was, I was sure surgery would not be an opinion as it seems the Benjamin standards were to strict for me in that I wanted to not fully come out yet still have surgery and then come out in the future. I was sure this would work for me but several therapists did not see it that way. With that, I decided surgery would not happen and did not worry about mannerism, as it would conflict with me teaching self-defense. I still believe I was correct (not saying I am better than the therapists), no different than when I had liposuction, the surgeon said there was not much fat to remove and I thought he was incorrect but did not say anything. After wards the surgeon visited me to see how I was doing and said I was surprised that there was no fat then I thought. I had always been thin but a thyroid issue caused weight gain and never lost the fat no matter how hard I tried so I went for liposuction and was a good idea as it did increase my self-worth. My current therapist felt no different than me but was happy I decided to live as a female as required. So my point, since last November an important lesson was learned, nuances came to light which I recently self-evaluated within me, all subtle but extremely important in the long run. They run the gambit from walking properly to clothing styles. I recently wrote about going to a Guitar Center and trying to be male but failed, it was because mannerism of me now did not allow it while last year it was the complete opposite. With that said, I was wrong in thinking the trial period was not needed but was right that I needed to transition with surgery as part of the transition. If not for the trial period, I would still be perfectly happy but would not fit in fully. So in closing out, at this time the trial has been a success, woohoo. For a while I thought it would never end (yes it never does end) but it has and I am fully confident that I can survive in this world as a female and will be accepted. Times have truly changed and thank goodness for people coming around to people like us. 11/10/2014 addition Just back from the grocery store and while bringing the groceries in my neighbor stop to chat. As I was walking away, she said that my voice has noticeably changed. I thank her for the compliment as she knows about me transitioning and like true feedback. My evaluation is I have gotten better at voice control without even thinking about it. As anyone who has considered passing the voice is the most difficult part. You get the proper look but for many it fades away when they open their mouth. I am taking this seriously to the point of going to a voice coach after transitioning.

Good for you, Karen, good for you. We have to always be our own advocates and not simply accept what authority dictates. Fortunately it sounds like yours was open to discussion. If not it's time to move on. I'm excited for you. What a great 2015 to look forward to! Emma

One the high school classes I remember most fondly was entirely focused on reading. I took it as a senior because to get an A all one had to do was read at least 3,500 pages during the semester. I chose a book, the instructor okay'd it, I read it, reviewed it with her for about fifteen minutes, and voila! More pages added. No midterm, no final. Too cool for school. The class really changed my life as I learned how enjoyable it can be to read 500 to 1,000 page books. If you've been following my blog postings you'll know that I've been pretty focused on finding and accepting myself. I find that when I read books my mind often opens me up to new inspirations and actions. A frustration is that although I may really enjoy the book, when I'm finished I have trouble recalling the details. I often re-read the really good ones, sometimes only a couple of pages a day, to savor the thoughts it brings up. Maybe you'll enjoy one or more of these and, I hope, will send suggestions for more. Nonfiction The Artists Way, Julia Cameron When I was studying fingerstyle guitar my friend and teacher recommended this book to me. On Amazon they say it's "the seminal book on creativity." The target audience of the book is artists such as painters, writers, and musicians. But we're all creative and I think the book is applicable to all of us. Her suggestion for a daily one-two page "morning pages" is an activity that has helped me a lot, working things out of depression, stress, and shame, as well as times like now when I'm doing better. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brene Brown The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Brene Brown I wish I could tell Brene how much her books and writing have helped and taught me. She terms herself a "shame researcher." She wrote: "Shame loves secrecy and can't survive being shared." That one sentence may not have saved my life but it's certainly helped. She also explained to me the difference between guilt and shame. We feel guilt when we do something bad, and we feel shame when we are bad. It's an important distinction. Fail Fast, Fail Often: How Losing Can Help You Win, Ryan Babineaux and John Krumboltz I am also working on re-creating my professional-life and career, which is pretty hard after spending >35 years in a variety of companies but in generally the same line of business. This book is so perceptive and encouraging. It's one of those that I read slowly... Luck is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career, John Krumholtz and Al Levin This book kind of ties things together for me. Taking chances, being vulnerable and open. Here's a real example about me: I am helping a friend who owns a small store with bookkeeping (mostly data entry) while he sorts out some problems in his life. This work is definitely not what I want to do when I grow up but I wanted to help a friend. But then we had problems with his computer so my friend called in another friend (who was unknown to me). We then started chatting and, lo and behold, the friend of a friend is very involved in a small local non-profit that needs new leadership. So far it sounds perfect and I have another interview next week! Fiction I Will Fear No Evil, Robert Heinlein Well, it's a fun fantasy, isn't it? The idea of ones mind being transplanted into a beautiful woman's body. The book has mixed reviews and may not be one of his best but the fantasy has stuck with me all these years. Girl with a Pearl Earring, Tracy Chevalier There was something magical about the way Ms. Chevalier created the character, her situation, and life in Vermeer's world. No, it's not TG at all. But I enjoyed it tremendously more than once. Cold Mountain, Charles Frazier Yes it was a movie, and a good one at that. I loved the book even more. Much more. So, that's the abridged edition of my reading list. There's many more and I hope you enjoy these. Sincerely, Emma P.S. I have to add one more: Enchiridion, by Epictetus. Here's a guy, born into slavery about AD 55. Because of his remarkable nature, he was allowed to attend lectures and trained to be a Stoic philosopher. Later, he was freed, and taught philosophy in Rome. By the way, I'm not advocating that we all be stoic and just somehow bury our feelings. I just liked what he wrote and imagining what life must have been like for him back then. What an amazing man. Photo: This was taken in the Vigeland "installation" at Frogner Park, in Oslo, Norway. I'm not usually so taken by sculpture; this collection was amazing and touching. I chose this photo because it shows a man and woman, intertwined in a circle, as if continually flowing in and through each other. Seems inspirational to me.

Hey Warren, Yes, these forms and so forth are a drag. And I agree that the people at the clinics can be kind of weird and intimidating. Like you said, if you're going there what does that say about you? Nothing, nada, zippo. You're you, you're here, and we love you. That's all I have to say. Well, not everything. Like I wrote the other day, take a breath, have a cup of coffee. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. (If you do smoke; don't start because I said so!) One idea is to think of some of the things you can be grateful for. Such as: - Your mother. Sure, she's a pain at times, but like you said, you love her. What is it mostly that you love about her? - Your father. I guess it's been a long time since he died. But maybe you have some good memories or stories about him? - Your boss at work. Hey, he didn't fire you, right? I don't know, Warren, shoot, I'm sitting here at my computer and thinking about you. Watch the video at the link I sent to you. The woman, Brynn, is an MTF so she's not exactly like you, sure. But she speaks the truth for all of us, I think. I hope you'll find some inspiration there. You're a good person, Warren, I can tell. Best, Emma

Hello all, Although I am new to this blogging thing and not much better with computers theres something I would love to get some kind of feed back on so if I make mistakes please bear with me. First off, im a MTF Transwoman and darn proud of it. But where im heading with this is , Im setting here with tears in my eyes over another story of loss in the transgender community. There was a woman who told the story of loosing her trans-son/daughter,:" out of respect for the deceased im going to refer to her, the woman she wanted to be as her or she." The mothers plea was to anyone who has a child of indifferene, or even a friend, hear them out without judgement or ridicule. In the last letter left behind by her daughter, the daughter felt she had no where to turn , that her own family were the worst critics. The mother went on to say that where they live there are two suicide support groups but both were for teens, and that her daughter felt because of her age (48 at time of death) that a teen support group would be of little help. Personal note here: as for myself, in my younger years I not only though about suicide on several attempts I failed at my attempts just to make the pain and humiliation go away. Not necessarily a bad thing to fail at. By younger years I mean in my early 30s. And at that point in my life I saw all the teen prevention signs and because of my age there was no way I would have ever approached one,at that age were supposed to be the adults and have it all together.And until I kinda learned to navigate-- OK do a good job of getting lost and confused - a computer I had no idea of what is available out there, and this ha only been in the last 3 years. This mother lost her daughter, and for many others the possibility of a good friend. This settles dear to my heart because I can heavily relate to the thoughts and feelings of her daughter feeling trapped, confused, unliked esspecialy by the ones we love the most, we are taught and programed from birth to stand behind our familys and theyre supposed to stand behind us. My pondering question is are we to believe we are these strong, tough people because of who we are and that we are willing to stand up for ourselves, or are we weak individuals who hide behind a mask of morality in some cases or immorality In others. Only in the end to hide behind our doors just to be ourselves where no one can see us, or announce ourselves in public awaiting persecution by those who in most cases are afraid of who we are? As slow as I type I didn't tell the mothers whole story, But it did not have a happy ending, her daughter-------was the mothers only child

RachealDenae, I feel that the transgendered are among the strongest people I know, and I am very familiar with the entire LGBTQ spectrum. Strong people are neither independent (I don't need anyone!) or dependent (constantly seeking reassurance), but INTERDEPENDENT, recognizing no one is an island, that everyone sometimes needs help and also has the obligation to reach out a helping hand on occasion. You are wise to be here at TGGuide, as most of the people here are trustworthy, and ALL the moderators are definitely trustworthy. My experience with TG support groups has only been in Tampa Bay, Florida, but found them to be a very positive experience. Think everyone needs a mix of online support as well as face to face support. It will take time, but it will be well worth your while to explore this website, even posts that are several years old can be informative and useful. Do come here every day, if you can. We care.

For years, I dated a woman, which I felt a strong attraction too beginning in 2007, but never told her about my female identity. Well in 2009 I gave her a call (she lives 40 minutes from me and I needed to do it right now) thinking that there was roughly a 70 percent chance you would accept me and was scared for the remaining 30 percent. I came right to the point for my call and told her that I was transgender and made my mind up to have SRS in the coming years. I was happy to learn she was fine with my decision and joked about her thoughts of marrying me but now would not but if she did get married she wanted me to be part of her wedding. I went to her house that weekend and found that she had a conversation with her three children (ages 12, 14 and 21). When I arrived two of her children where there and told me that they supported me. Terri told me that her daughter although accepted me did not understand the reasons. Several weeks later her daughter sat down with me in their kitchen while Terri was making dinner and started off by saying she supported me but wanted to ask some questions. We chatted for about an hour on the topic of me transitioning. When finished she hugged me and went off to do her thing. As weeks went by Terri would do things like take me shopping, go out to dinner, visit her family her knew me as a man and now reintroduced me as Karen. I am so fortunate to have her full support and that she has agreed to go with me next year when I go for SRS. Recently she started dating a man and she told me one of the first things she told him was, if we click you need to know that my best friend is transgender and that is part of the package for accepting me (Terri). I know others are not so fortunate with coming out but you know what? This shows how are true friends and lovers. Any ways I see Terri several times a month, usually we will spend the day together doing girl stuff and sometimes she will critique me in things like mannerism i.e. last time she was chatting with me and her girlfriend and looked me straight in the eyes and said “you are such a girl” which I asked “what do you mean” and she told me that the way I was playing with my hair without thinking was a female thing. I remember when she first introduced me to her best female friend, never said I was male. We sat in her living room for about an hour and then her friend left. About 15 minutes alter Terri gets a text message from her friend asking Terri if I was male or female? I later found out that it was not that I did not pass but Terri had told her friend about Kevin (my male name) and that Karen seemed to have similar interest and traits that Kevin had. In the end she said to Terri, don’t tell Karen I asked in case I am wrong. I told Terri to tell her friend that I was Kevin. The next weekend the three of us spent time together chit-chatting girl talk and never did her friend let on that I was not female. I later discussed this with Terri and she said that her friend only sees me as female which put a huge smile on my face.