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Today I had another doctors appointment, which is my regular monthly thing. I assume she were happy with what was going on, since she said she doesnt need to see me for another two months I've officially gone from 225-230 pounds, all the way down to 214 She wants to see me down at 210 or lower by the end of Janurary. GAME ON! So I kicked off my challange....with a bowl of ice cream. Darn it, I'm so bad at this >.< We talked for a while about the gender thing, and she got me seriously thinking about the name change process, so I did some looking into it tonight. Did you know it costs over 110.00$ to do a legal name change, and you have to have a court date?! Plus they legally HAVE to post it in the paper ( yay.) and the judge can just up and decide NOT to grant it, but you still have to pay. What the flippernuts?! But....I guess it would be worth it, afterall. But I dont want to even try and change my name until I at least have top surgery. There's no point having a male name when you have breasts. Seriously. Today I had an interesting development. A girl kept watching me from a table as I was working, and kept acting like she wanted to ask me something. But she kept hesitating, and changing her mind. When she finally came over to talk to me, I were surprised by her question. "No offense but...are you a guy or a girl?" How do you answer a question like that? When you're still legally and technically one gender, but desperate to identify as the opposite, yet dont want too many people to know about it yet.....what the heck do you say to that? I was kind of nervous about it and stuttered out a quick "Technically girl...why?" To which she responded "Bummer. You would have been a cute guy. I'm not into girls though." and walked away. Uh, what? Wait, what! In one aspect, I found it somewhat flattering and rather amusing, and it made me laugh a bit. I thought it was hilarious, and loved it. But then I told my boyfriend. You know that look on someones face when you say you have bad news and that curling of the nose as they listen to something they need to do? That was his response. Kind of like "Ugh....this again....Dont like it." It was rather disheartening to be excited that someone had to actually ask if I was a girl or not, and have that hope that I look like a guy a bit for them to ask me to clarify; only for him not to share my enthusiasm and kind of shrug it off. Feels like I'm the only person who showed up to a birthday party, and its my own birthday. Kind of sucked. I guess I'll just to deal with it... Otherwise it was a pretty good night, I suppose. Hey, at least its friday Tomorrow I got to change the oil in my car, check the battery power, get a light checked, return my broken ipod, and work for a friend of mine around her house. I think I work 7 days a week and no one told me. Warren

"You know that look on someones face when you say you have bad news and that curling of the nose as they listen to something they need to do? That was his response. Kind of like "Ugh....this again....Dont like it."" --Warren That doesn't sound good. Even though you've mentioned the two of you have about your true identity before, maybe it's time to do it again. And maybe this time, you could ask your b/f to consider couples counselling. At this point, I don't see him taking this seriously. It almost sounds as if he thinks this will go away. After a while, his indifference and dismissal of your true self could cause you to begin to resent his attitude, and eventually resent him. -Michael

Warren, Check out this: http://www.avitale.com She has lots of info and links to other sites that may help you. Emma

Hi Warren, I've wondered a lot about this too, and I'm glad you brought it up. Of course, I only have my own guesses for the differences in numbers between MTF and FTM. Here's a couple of ideas: The word "transgender" is very broad and covers a wide range of MTF/FTM gender expression, up to and including HRT/surgery. It seems to me that transmen are allowed and accepted so much more by society that they aren't even counted in the transgender statistics. On the other hand, it might also be that there are even larger pressures on transmen than transwomen to not identify as transgender at all, thus also suppressing the statistics. I don't know or have much of a sense for this of course. About finding medical and therapeutic resources for FTM people, I can imagine that's very frustrating. Perhaps Michael or others here will be able to help. I sure hope so. Sincerely, Emma

Did you know that the MTF to FTM percentage is 2.5 versus one? In the 1990s-2002, the estimated count for transgendered MTF was 14,000-20,000, versus the 1,000-8,000 FTM. Of course the numbers HAVE changed since that time, but the ratios stayed about the same. MTF transgenders greatly outnumber the amount of FTM individuals. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure if we'll ever really know. But the point is, finding any form of anything for a transgender is usually limited down to MTF. I've done some research in attempts to figure out estimates on surgery costs, and sadly I keep hitting dead ends at times, being told they "only treat Male to Female cases" and that they dont know much about "female to male cases". I find that rather frustrating. Why are there so few resources for Transguys? All the medical clinics in my local area within driving reasons only offer surgical advice or support to Male to female. Not that I dont support the MTF, because I totally do! You gals need just as much help as us guys, and I'm totally cool with that. But I hate being so limited. It doesnt seem very fair :/ In the journey to even finding a therapist to chat with about being transgendered, I'd had to tell them that I'm "FTM" because theyve tried to put me with a MTF-only help aid. Though I'm sure that the therapy and whatnot is basically the same, it seems that the percentage of people who help in those sorts of things are generally MTF-only rated. Theres not many who specify on BOTH genders and not just transchicks. Any of you guys out there who are like me and find yourself constantly being turned away because you're a transguy not a transgirl or simply crossdressing, or being assumed you're simply Lesbian for the way you dress or act (which is totally stupid btw), you'll know what I mean when I say "WHAT THE F---!?" Someone once told me (not sure how true it is) that there are more MTF because of a genetic percentage while in the womb. That biological-male children can/do recieve high loads of female hormone from the mother/host, and that plays a large part of the whole transgender process. But biological-female children can only get testosterone/male-hormone from some other source, which makes it more rare to occur. Which makes sense, when you think about it. When a woman has a child, sometimes the hormones from the previous birth or sibling can stay in the womb or whatnot, and linger for the next child. That's why a lot of siblings have very simular features sometimes. It's not just the same mother, its some of the same hormones. I have an older sister ahead of me, but my mom was also very prone to miscarriages. Between me and every one of my four siblings, there were at least two to three miscarriages. Between me and my older sister, there were three. One female, and two male. Maybe I got high levels of extra hormone from the two male children that were never born? I'm not sure how true this whole theory is. Some medical student told me about it, and it seemed to make sense to me at the time. POINT IS: As discouraging as it is to be part of a failing percentage of transgendered, the world hasnt ended. Yes, most of the transgender help that you seek out will be generally populated towards the Transwomen, but it doesnt mean that there are none at all. Though I'm having difficulty finding someone to chill out with who's a transguy, and to get some advice from, it doesnt mean I'll never find it. (I've called several transgender communities in my area/state, and have been told that they normally have only transwomen there or that their medical resources are mainly targeted for the transwomen and they dont have a doctor to help out the transmen. Grr.) Perhaps my therapist that I get to meet finally will be able to help me out. I know they're sending me there not only for the transgender help, but also for my anxiety and depression issues. But hopefully they also took the transgender part of it into account too and didnt shove me with a doctor who knows nothing about us. That would certainly be frustrating, since a lot of my anxiety and depression centers around my gender identity! Hang in there guys, there's always something! "There's always something" Violet from Lemony Snickets Series of Unfortunate Events Warren

Warren, I think it's great that you had a sit down and talk with your BF. I'm afraid there is no other way if you and he hope to grow in your relationship. And from your experience with a trial separation it seems that you both do want to stay together. So keep talking! I know what you mean about being self-conscious. I think that comes from the doubts we have about our partners true acceptance. In a perfect world we'd be so self confident that it wouldn't matter what he thinks or says, but that's not the world we live in. You are already displaying a lot of courage to be yourself and now, understandably, you're looking for support. Perhaps in one of your talks with him, ask him more about what's going on for him. What support and affirmation does he need? Maybe by supporting him some of his urges to comment on your longer hair or old clothes will diminish. I hope so for your sake. Be well, Emma

Unfortunatly we've had a sit down and talked about this together. We even attempted to break up and go seperate ways, but that only lasted a few days and we were together again. He insists that he's fine with it, that he's willing to cope and adapt, and that he's not going anywhere. He tells me all the time that it's fine if I want to change and that he's not going anywhere because of it. Yet...he does that. And that's not the first time. Saying I looked better with long hair, looking at my liscence with my long hair and saying that picture is better, saying he misses my old clothes, etc. I've become self concious around him and wear my boxers to bed, and he's even caught me wearing my compression shirts to bed. Love him to pieces, but I'm not sure what to do. -Warren

Sorry to see that. Well I think the only answer I can give Men just forget unless its about them. Plus they want to be in control. Well hope it gets better Maggie

I agree that the two of you need to sit down and really talk about your relationship and each one's identity. I don't know if "couples counselling" would help or not. Thing is... I get the impression your b/f is not gay, and probably not even " While we often hear of wives who remain with their MTF spouses even though those wives are not lesbian, or even bisexual for that matter, I think it might be a bit rare for straight males to remain with their FTM partners. Work on the relationship. Get help if possible. But you should also be prepared for the relationship to end if your b/f can't see himself in a relationship with man. -Michael

Hey Warren, I'm glad you had such a nice time with your sister and sorry those feelings went down the crapper with your boyfriend. That just sucks, especially after having such a great day, with your being recognized as a male. Sounds to me like you need to have a heart-to-heart adult-to-adult conversation with your boyfriend (after you're both calm) about your feelings, and see how he reacts and what he says. It's painful to go through these things but we all do with our partners. After, you'll have a sense of whether or not you see yourself staying with him and no matter what, you can say to yourself that you did the right thing. I hope you take this as friendly advice from a friend, that's all it is. I may be reading the situation all wrong, which would be no surprise. Good luck, Emma

Everyday passes I feel more comfortable in my transformed gender yet confident but I don't think surgery is required. I am working to develop to keep both genders yet switching back &amp; forth. But currently working on how to live for 150 years as cds' r &amp; ways to extend ones physical life ! On YouTube check Shazy Jeo channel

I am an avid fan of your blog sister

Hi Lori! I just signed up, but I alredy have a newish blog about my journey... http://girlinternal.blogspot.com.au

I found this site at just the right time! I have started a blog and I hope you enjoy it. I am just starting out on my transformation, so I need lots of advice and support, and hopefully you will find my blog as a source of support, as well. AmberG.

omh this sounds so exciting I wanna say yes, but I need to be sure I can be 100% commited, ok?

What do you do if you already have a blog? http://www.finallyfemale.com

It's only the begining for me but i'm really excited in bringing out the girl in me )

Great ideas...I will prob write everyday life from an SO....and our dual life. ( her choice not mine) Right now I am going through lots of STUFF but will come back to this.( Blog)