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My next one-on-one appointment with my therapist is this coming Wednesday afternoon. During the week before I consider what we might talk about even though it often seems that we end up talking about something completely different. I suppose I want to be sure that I’m able to take advantage of the time and money spent. I want to extract every last bit of help that I can get. I keep a tally in my iPhone of thoughts and ideas. Here’s the current running list: I remember being so sad and terrified when, as a young child, I did something – anything – wrong. Sad that I had again disappointed my mother and scared of the punishment. After last week’s couples appointment with my therapist my wife told a gay friend of hers, and the mother of a young woman friend of hers, about what I disclosed to my wife, that I am transgender. In years past I would have been devastated to hear that anyone knew, that they would think me weird, and that I might run in to them. Now it doesn’t seem to matter and, in some ways, I’m kind of pleased that my wife is reaching out. Sometimes, these days, I feel pretty alone and needy. I only have my therapist to talk to openly as well as my friends here at TG Guide. I compulsively check what’s happening here and whether I have any messages several times a day. With my wife I’m more calm and self-connected than I have been in years. I’m stroking her, helpful, and we’re are very close. I think she likes this but I can see that she stops short as she thinks of my revelations. I ordered a dress, tights, and a slip on Amazon this week that I expect to arrive in a couple of days. Imagine that, a slip. Well, I want the dress’s skirt to flow and not get all bunched up. I researched it all a lot and chose carefully. But as I wait for the delivery I keep wondering if I’m completely nuts. I’m having trouble focusing on much other than transgender stuff. Reading whatever I can find on the Internet, here on TG Guide, etc. I feel I should also be studying on some unrelated topics that used to fascinate me but I find it impossible. We have a couple of small watercolor paintings hanging in our bathroom showing scenes of young, pretty women, in pastoral Italy. It seems so obvious to me that anyone looking at these women would want to be like them. But I know that 99.9% of men would not and would think I’m crazy for even thinking of it. Regardless of whether or not my transgender diagnosis is accurate (and I really think it is) is it okay? What makes it “right?” On Sunday mornings my wife and I go to a local pastry shop for coffee, a light breakfast, and to read the paper together. This morning she looked me in the eye and told me how much she loves me. We both show our sadness to each other at these times. Geez, a lot to talk about this Wednesday and I still have three days to consider more topics. And then, of course, there’s also all the stuff I wrote in my “progress report” a couple of days ago. I’m overthinking but it seems impossible to stop. Emma Photo: The Zambezi River, Botswana, at dusk, a couple of years ago. Not good for swimming; many crocodiles.

11/17/2014 So out of the last two months, Monday had to be the worst gender - identity day for me. It was a crisis. Very distracting at work. I was sick to my stomach all day. Did not sleep well. All and all, not a good day to be a guy for me. I did ride the metro in. I am a big people watcher, so looking at all of the girls dressed to go to work made me think that I should be them. So, for me (just to let you know) this is no fantasy. I am extremely realistic about what I will encounter the first time I would ever go to work as a woman. However, it is to the point that I just can't take it anymore. My skin was crawling. I called a therapist that another girl had used when she transitioned, but they did not get back to me. Score: Female 1 Male 0 11/18/2014 Today went much better. I was not so obsessed about it being a guy as I was on Monday. However, the feelings definitely persisted. I am a fighter. I am sure that I will continue to fight this (mind over matter). However, today I had no fight left after yesterday. However, I had a more productive day at work. And that is really another reason why transition is something that has to be on-the-table for me. Because these last two months it has been so bad, I have been in a daze. And even when, I don't have gender-identity issues, guess what? I still have a part of my day where I think about dressing and presenting as female. If I transitioned to female, I might have a ton of regrets. But I know I wouldn't dream about dressing or being a guy. That for me, has been wasted effort and bandwidth all of these years. Not having to think about being a different gender (though I am still me after all!), would not be a weight off of my shoulders but at least I wouldn't think about it all of the time. However, I have been dressing for years. Can do makeup and get read pretty quick. But it still is a pain in the ass. The expectations for women and how they dress are so high. I can't stand it. Anyways, that's the tradeoff. The therapist that I called on Monday did get back to me. Turns out she had just closed her practice but referred me to two other therapists. I was hoping to maybe get in this week, because I will be out next week visiting my mom. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed. But it has been how many years. I am super patient! Score: Female 2 Male 0 --Lisa

11/29/2014 I'm starting to wonder if I am not Trans Female rather bi-gendered. There are some mornings and I feel perfectly content getting up and being male. Other mornings, not so much. In general, I feel like I should have been born a girl, however, it is such a pain in the butt getting ready and presenting female. So, I don't know if my distain for getting ready is behind this or if I genuinely like being male some days, which would make me bi-gendered (though when I was 4 years old that was not the case). Anyways, this is all so confusing. Honestly, if I could comfortably live as a woman full-time, but occaisionally present as male or just dress in male clothes that might be a good stead-state for me. I don't know. We'll see. It is hard to know or to tell. I don't get as nervous about being a girl like I used to, however in a lot of ways I am just getting started. I will need to learn so many things and adapt in ways that I will not be comfortable with initially. If anything, I just need to remember to be myself. Once I stop doing that I will be right back where I started, in crisis-mode again.

I know how you feel, Lisa. I wonder if my designation is bi-gender. Like you, I can be accepting of my manhood, sometimes, but not always. I'm examining my own feelings the most I've ever tried. I've given up on pretending. On here, I will still use the transgender designation, because this is where I can act as a girl in the virtual world and hang out with others who do likewise. Just this year alone, I've stumbled upon terms I've never heard before, terms like "gender fluid" and "bi-gender." I'm still trying to figure out what applies to me. Of course, I'm expecting my Heavenly Father to shed light on these dark areas. Jesus is my number 1 therapist, and if he wants me to also use human intervention, he shall divinely appoint the person/people who will help.

I've been compulsively checking this site for messages, as well. I've been experiencing record obsession over transgender stuff. I know how you feel, Emma. In other news, I have an Iphone. I have a 6. I'm using it, right now, typing on a bluetooth keyboard. Horray for Apple working to make their products blind accessible.

Hi Lisa, I certainly know what you mean about ambivalence setting in and days when being transgender just seems like something I wish would just go away. I agree that we need to "just" be ourselves but that "just" word is huge. Emma

11/27/2014 I was up late the night before talking to my sister more about what I've been going through these past two and a half months. She just listened, didn't ask many questions. Looking back I wonder if I kind of lost her in the conversation. But I let her know what I'm feeling inside, some of the things that I talked to the therapist about. And let her know that if I don't get on top of this, I will probably need to transition. I think she understands but did not know what to think. I'm sure that hearing this from her older brother is strange. We talked about one of the reasons why I have not transitioned, that it is tough to be a woman. They (we) are judged so much by how we look, weight and appropriateness of attire. Women are actually more verbally critical than men, though men do judge more quietly. Anyways, it is constantly feeling like one is or needs to be on display just to go to work, shop, etc. I plan over the next several months or so, trying to get out more, so that I can engage more socially will other non-tg's, get used to getting dressed and wearing appropriate clothes, etc. Just so I know how to handle myself with grace. I am going to need to learn how to do this regardless of what happens. 11/28/2014 We spent most of the day driving back from my mom's. It gave me a lot of time to think. I am thankful for so much, that I sometimes worry about any future decisions to transition. Mentally, I have to stop doing this so that I can give myself an honest assessment of where I am at and what I should do without imposing barriers. Remove the barriers and focus more on what I should do or need to do. At my support group, there was someone there that said, "sometimes you just need to be a bulldozer". I think that recognizes the fact that I will never come to terms with all of these mental barriers I impose on myself and I just need to plow ahead. Plow ahead to what is more my question right now. --Lisa

11/24/2014 So, we left to go to my mom's in Perrysburg OH. I was thinking about bringing some of my girl clothes with me but did not. As we left, I felt a tremendous amount of anxiety. Never felt this way before and don't know why. It's almost like I felt like I did not have that outlet if I needed it. However it felt much more than that. Anyways, the trip went well. Though most of the time I thought about what I was going to tell my mom regarding my current situation. She knows about me dressing and wanting to be a girl. However, I believe that she thinks it is no longer an issue. I definitely felt like a girl today. 11/25/2014 I'm at my mom's with my family. I worked in the morning, ran 7.5 miles and then went to the Toledo Zoo for the lights. It was really wonderful. I loved it. We were there for 4 hours. I used to go to the Toledo Zoo when I was young several times a year. So it brought back memories. They had a Santa that was there and the kids had their pictures taken with him. I wished that my dad was there. He would have loved it. 11/26/2014 My son had pink eye this morning so I had to take him to urgent care. I took him home while I got his prescription and went to Target while I waited. If anyone doesn't know already ... Target has awesome girl clothes (If you don't know this, then you can leave the cave now and enjoy). Anyways, I was looking for good workout clothes and cold weather gear for running. Anyways, Target used to have great runnning stuff for guys. Now, they have nothing for guys, only stuff for girls. So, I've been driven to crossdress (damn you, Target, damn you. ;-)). Anyways, I looked at their cold weather women stuff and liked but did not buy because I wanted to try it on, but did not have the time because I had to get back. May go back on Saturday and buy, because I need at least a couple pairs of warm fitted compression pants. --Lisa

11/22/2014 Today I was 100% feeling female and thinking about it. It was distracting but since I didn't need to work or doing anything it was okay. I talked to my wife about my appointment with the therapist and going to the support group and mentioned that she recommended that I go out dressed as much as I need to meet others like me and get the support that I need. I told her that if I cannot get on top of this soon, I will need to transition. This was upsetting, and I knew that it would be however I just wanted her to know how despirate of a situation this was for me. I told her that I was still digesting the support group meeting. A lot was said and it was a bit much for me, attending for the first time. I am really thankful to have gone. 11/23/2014 This morning I was definitely feeling bad about my feelings of being female that I desired to be male. This used to happen to me a lot when I was younger, not so much now so it is surprising when it happens. It is this kind of self-loathing that I need to recognize for what it is. I need to acknowledge it but also not let it define me. I think that I did a good job. Later that day, I was better. I hate not being to wear whatever I want to. But understand why. --Lisa

11/20/2014 I had a better day than the rest of the week. I definitely felt more connected to being male. So, what I noticed when I was younger, was that stress would trigger feelings of wanting to dress or be female. But lately, it is the opposite. When I feel stress, I want to retreat to my male role. In my mind, being female increases the stress level. And I think that it is because I am seriously considering a transition. Anyways, I did have some big stressors that triggered this reaction. But the next day, I came through with flying colors. I did get in touch with the therapist. She had an opening on Friday and I took it. I also RSVP'd to the MAGIC meeting in Falls Church, VA on Friday (11/21) F 2.5 M 1.5 11/21/2014 I had my first therapy session with some recommendations. One is that I need to get out more dressed to express myself. This could be support groups with other TGs or other social settings. Or it can be non-tg settings, in order to help me understand or acclimate in my potentially new role. I was happy with my therapist given it was a first session. Then I went to a transgender support meeting. That was interesting. Several people attended. I did not talk, only listened. There was a lot to digest. I will be thinking about that meeting probably until the next meeting. I went with a feminine look. I definitely stood out. I knew that I would, but was happy. I am extremely introverted, but have been coming out of my shell lately. I wanted to feel feminine and sexy. I'm sure I overdid it. But that is okay! F 3.5 M 1.5 --Lisa

Today went much better. I had my moments but I was able to finally focus on work somewhat. I feel like I am putting on such an act all around it's crazy. But at least I wasn't going crazy or out of my mind. Anyways, I was contacted again by the therapist who closed her practice. She referred me to two people. I called one to set up an appointment after doing some research. I'll do more tonight. Last night I talked with my wife more. I told her more about myself. And dressing when I was much younger. She was surprised by this. But not in a bad way. I think that she was glad that I told her. Tomorrow is the Transgender Day of Rememberance (or Awareness). There is an outing in Oakton, VA. I wil probably not go because of schedule conflicts. But it is a day to remember all of those who came before us and to remember that we are all representatives of the TG community. We need to represent that community well. Because so many have sacrificed a lot in order to make the gains that we have seen recently. I am going to be out-of-town next week for Thanksgiving week, visiting my mom in Perrysburg OH with my family. She knows about me dressing from a very young age. However thinks that I gave it up. My sister knows though. I am going to sit down with my mom and tell her what is going on and happening with me. I just want her to know and want to find out if I have her support. So I want to gradually tell people. But not go crazy about it. Maybe one person every month or two. Just so I won't have a million bombs blowing up in my face at one time. Score: Female 2.5 Male 0.5 --Lisa

Hi Lisa, I sure have my crisis days too. Like a couple of weeks ago when I went to dinner with my wife and two other couples to a nice restaurant. The women were all so poised and beautiful. Just being themselves. I had fun with the friends but all along I was aware that I doubt I could ever be as natural as these women, which was depressing. I too wonder about regrets. These days I'm more comfortable with my being transgender and the regrets I think about are if I do nothing about it. I'm in good health and so forth but we never know for how long. I don't want to be one of those that wakes up one day and realizes she lost her chance to be herself. Emma