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Since I am having random issue with writing here on my new laptop which I thought were fixed I am writing on the following site. It took just about 5 minute to write this out which is way to long http://paynekaren.wordpress.com By no means does this mean I am leaving here but simply can not fathom writing in pain after surgery like this

So one one hand not much has changed, I still totally presenting as male no one is ever going to mistake me a female. Or maybe more correctly stated everyone will mistake as male. Yes I do where nothing but women's clothes now but they are gender neutral, and no one can tell unless they look really close. In fact I ushered at church Christmas Eve, and the day before, Christmas Eve. And no one knew it. But I did. But I did and it felt wonderful. It's so true what they say a new outfit can change a woman's whole mental outlook, it sure did for this woman. Which is really getting more in the the other hand. Back to the first hand. I've not started to HRT yet, and very likely will not. While I would love to completely transform my to be more correct and match my mind, I still love my wife very much and want to be there for her. So I didn't know until recently that I've been in transition for a long time. As I been shaving my body and getting mani-pedis with color polish on my toes for a few years, so technically all of those things transitioning at least to my understanding. Now back to the other hand. My mind has changed so much. I used think I was a crossdresser, and was sick and there was something really seriously wrong with me. I hated myself, basically all my life. The shame I had was so deep and so wide. But now that I come to terms with who and I what I am, I feel so much better about myself, I no longer hate myself, I think I may come to love myself, and that may happen sooner than later. That right there makes me stop. LOVE MYSELF, REALLY? It is so freeing to know I am not sick and there's nothing wrong with me. I am just a woman doing things that women do. So Its been interesting hearing what other women have had to say to me. My massage therapist said " I very obvious how real and important this is to you, because when you talk about it you jusr like up" She is so right. Then the woman who colored my hair said "you just seem so very happy talking about all this" Both women were right on. The thing I love the most is these women and other women treating me as one of them. I've got to tell you an other funny story. My health coach who was the first one, other than wife wife and therapist(that's not massage therapist). She was taking my measurements, to check my progress. I asked her about bra size, as how figure out what size i was.Well she though I was asking her bra size and she just told me, Later I said to her "Do you know how I know you think of me as a women, when I ask about bra size and you just flat out told me , there no way you'd do that with a man" she laughed and said "you're so right" So anyway I am not sure how this is all going to turn out for me. Or for my wife and daughters? My wife is still having a really hard time with this. My daughters do not know yet, I'm dying to tell them but my wife doesn't want me to, so I have not. The hard part is I still love my wife very much and she still love me very much. I don't want to do anything to hurt her. I want to be my best for my wife and daughters and myself. And I really fell that means becoming the woman I've always been, I think girls will accept me much more easily than my wife is. I can totally understand her having a hard time, if she came to me and said she was a man, I know I have a really hard time with that. Okay that's enough for now more to come, Hugs, DawnLynn

I wanted to throw this out there, as a sidenote off from one of my other blog posts this evening. I wanted to take this time to sit down, mellow out, and most of all....Thank you. Thank every single one of you. All of you who stop and peek into my demented mind to read my blogs. Thank you for stopping and feeling my pain, laughing with me, shaking your head at my own less-than-witty comments, and crying with me if it so suited you. I'm extremely, unbelievably grateful for every one of you and ALL the friends I've made, and friends I'm yet to make on here. You've all been extremely helpful to me and have kept my chin up out of the muck and grime of grief and guilt and unbelievably overwhelming life's chaos. I will certainly continue to be grateful for all of my wonderful friends here on TGG. It has been beyond enriching, appreciated, heartwarming, enlightening and uplifting to have such a fantastic support system behind me. To know that no matter what is going on in my life, I know that I'll always have my friends here on TGG to help me through it. To break my fall, and pick me back up once again and brush me off and say "Go get 'em, tiger!" I cannot possibly express to you all how wonderful you've all been to me. From simply liking my blogs, to the wonderfully informative or supportive comments, to the remarkable personal messages of support and encouragement...I love logging in and seeing what everyone is doing and saying and up to in this world of awesomesauce. You've all opened up my eyes from the cruel word and shown me that there IS a place for me, I'm NOT useless, and I DO have a voice that I am ALLOWED and ENCOURAGED to use.. I love blogging for you guys and plan to continue to do so as much as I can, and I BEG that you guys try not to get too bored with me when Things get too chaotic to on a regular basis. I'm always thinking of all of you, and without you guys, I wouldnt be where I am today! Have a FANTASTIC holiday! Have a VERY Merry Christmas, A WONDERFUL Hanukkah and VERY VERY Happy New Year!!! I love you all! Your friend and crazy Blogger, Warren

Hello people of the page, this is your friend Warren As many of you know and are in the same rocky boat as I am, it's that time of year again. Time to run around like your head's been severed and wrack your brain for those brilliant christmas gift ideas! I apologize for not being on here to rant and rave very much of late, as not too much as been going on except for the chaos and hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping! This year though, my Christmas is being spent a little different on a different emotional and physical level due to my attempts of transitioning, and I'm sure that some or all of you know what I mean by this. This is the first year I'm seeing family and friends on a holiday event dressed mostly as a man. No dresses, no festive ribbons in my hair, no heels, and absolutely NO makeup can be found on this dude this year Though the first family get together (Bf's family ((i guess we're still together for now)) who never really got the right feel for me to begin with) I only attended for probably the mass of twenty minutes. I'm not a huge fan of his family's get togethers because theyre all so extremely loud and physically affectionate which I'm not entirely comfortable with. I dont like being touched, or having someone in my face most the time. So I opted to leave as quickly as I could, though later I were called "Anti-social" for it. But, that's life. On a good note: MY SISTER IS HERE FOR CHRISTMAS!!! My youngest sister Becky is here with me this year, staying with me for the month of December of staying with my mom and siblings. I'm so glad she's here, I missed her so much! So naturally, since this is the first Christmas that she's with me and the first full blown Christmas for her (my mom doesnt do very much at home for it), of course I SPOILED HER ROTTEN!!! Her stocking is busting at the seams and the tree is overstocked. I love spoiling her! But unfortunatly I've had a few roadblocks lately...and I'm not sure why. Emotional breakdowns. It started with going Christmas shopping with the bf, my sister, and HIS sister Mel. Now....I'm rather protective of my car. It has certain engine issues that you have to WORK WITH IT else it works too hard and sounds horrible and sucks gas then the check engine light comes on. But we werent sure of the place we were going so....DUN DUN DUUUUUUN. Justin let Mel drive. MY car. I was so paranoid the whole ride, and it drove me absolutely CRAZY hearing the engine over working itself. I was beside myself with horror and frustration to the point that it gave me an upset stomach. From almost hitting people with my car to slamming on the brakes to swerving to avoid traffic....I swear she was going to be the heartattack I'd been waiting for. Then something happened....something that hasnt happened in MONTHS! I had an anxiety enduced panic attack which rendered me UNCONCIOUS. I passed out cold in the backseat of the car, and when I were woken up by my frightened boyfriend and realized what was going on, I broke down in tears. For some reason every time I wake up from a panic attack, I cry. I'm not sure why. Emotional overload? That was the first spot. Then.....to get my hair cut. For me, my hair is a big deal because it has been my biggest steps away from womanhood and towards manhood, and it is my own personal statement of "I'm not you're little girl anymore". So when I went to get it trimmed and step away from my bushy bangs, I were told that my usual person was a bit busy since a pipe broke in the salon, so someone else did it. It didnt take her long and she seemed to have done a good enough job.....at the time. When I stopped at a Walmart afterwards with my boyfriend and sister, we started noticing little things. Like....a random and obvious HOLE in the middle of my bangs (which are crooked and boxlike and annoy the crap out of me ) along with a huge patch on the back of my neck that she didnt even trim off. I let my hairdresser know and she said I could come back for it to be fixed, which I feel awful about. (I broke down and shaved that patch off my neck though, I couldnt take it!) But on an emotional level, it should NOT have bothered me so much. But I got so worked up about it that I ended up bawling in the privacy of my bathroom, and even took a shower to try and hide the noise. Pathetic! Then came more emotional issues, breaking down for no reason, hiding in the bathroom, curling up in a ball in bed.....I felt like an emotional wreck and couldnt figure out why it was happening. Then I realized....I'd forgotten two doses of my medication, it's that horrible horrible "time" of month (I'm being punished with cramps but that's it so far ), I'm stressed because all that weight I've worked so hard to lose is coming back with a prescription I have to take, I'm stressed with trying to make this a good Christmas for my little sister, PLUS....I'm on almost Two weeks, if not more, of NO CUTTING. I've passed the "I want to" and gone straight to the emotional breakdowns. Otherwise........! THE HOLIDAY IS GREAT. Well, true, us cooking a Turkey at my mom's house on the 19th resulted in the stove bursting into flames, flour being thrown all over the kitchen, my baby brother screaming like a nutcase and spending three hours airing the smoke out of the house; But otherwise it's been great! Icing on the cake I guess, something to giggle at later. I'll never bring another turkey to my mother's house again....XD I'll post again when I can, and hopefully my issues will get a little better. My plan is to enjoy tomorrow and forget everything else as much as I can, and just ENJOY MYSELF. Your Friend, Warren

Excellent, I very much appreciate you letting me know :-)

Yes, I received it fine! A nicely-formatted email with your new posting, and the title links directly to the new post on your blog. Now, I have to go read it!

I just posted a new entry, would like to know if you got an alert if you do not mind

Very best wishes for success and a safe and quick recovery. Veronica.

Yes there is a way to get updates in email via the "Follow" button at the top of the page. This explains it here https://wordpress.org/plugins/tags/follow-button

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I do believe it is this board that has kept me from totally losing it at times. ;)

Dear Warren, You got that right: Go get 'em tiger! We all love you too. Believe it, it's true. Emma

After 3+ years of cds-ing on & off, my peers have analyzed & fine tuned my personality to being a better responsible transgender person. Not that before I was performing in difficult times or any way's! After some difficult experiences with other member's of public, I have talked about certain issues in order how to deal with impossible issues to future similar situations. Some people go one way (in terms of gender living as in one state) while others stay on & off that is me. Sometimes we have to be on defence versus offence in one gender or vice versa while being defence in another gender! A lot of the forums posts that are worth or termed serious, one can easily see the ladies ( m to f) get hurt repeatedly for lack of experience to financial to plain unknown factor's! While analyzing same problems I learned NOT to repeat those same mistakes by those ladies and stopped altogether performing cds-ing sometimes for 3-4 weeks in contrast doing every second day! If I wouldn't halted my emotion less state could have been in another mood let's put it that way! I have truly adapted my bi- polar personality & its NOT as simple as one can imagine. I cherish the time to pause bad experiences briefly & proceed with amazing experience next, simply! I was born a man, a simple man, wish to remain simple all the way yet perform the bi-polar inside me.Maybe when technology arrives to perfect anti agiing life for next 150 years that's when I will go for surgery. Watch It's weekend-What R U doing, Coming out one's Shell & Reboot-Watch part 6B Mobile version Visit outcast-all.com or Shazy Jeo on YouTube :)

Well I am happy to announce that I just receive my new laptop and all appears to be working properly including copy and paste operations.

One can only come to terms with then self when one say this is Me and I am Myself.