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I attended my first therapist-led support group last night. In short, it was a very good experience for me and I'm grateful to have found it and their warm welcomes. There were six of us in all, including the therapist and myself. Three are transitioned transwomen and the fourth is taking hormones, thinks she would like to transition but isn't sure. Three are married and one's wife passed away some years ago. All are well known to each other; some have attended this meeting for more than a decade! We went around the room introducing ourselves with me allowed to wait until last. They described their journeys, home situation, children/family, and a summary of their transition - especially as it related to acceptance and feedback they received at work. I appreciated their openness and heartfelt support and although all are either transexual or in transition no one challenged my telling them that I may be remain at the crossdresser end of the transgender umbrella. My main take-aways: If one wishes to remain happy and married to their significant other we need to recognize that they are going through their own unasked-for transition. Be sensitive to that, don't push or pressure, communicate and allow her to come to terms with the "new you." It's all too easy to be self-centered especially as we're experiencing and enjoying our new freedoms. Try to keep that in check or at least be sensitive to your wife's needs. The therapist provided her metaphor for the transgender journey: a train chugging along the track, unaware of its final destination or distance to travel. We may get off at early or intermediate stations and stay there or get back on the train and continue. I expressed some of my reluctance and ambivalence to ride the train and was advised that I need to swim with the fish to uncover where I'm meant to reside under the umbrella. (Sorry for the incredibly mixed metaphor!) After the meeting we went to a local restaurant that they always go to - which happens to be one that my wife and I have also gone to often enough in the past that, you got it, the manager recognized me with the group. Full smile as always, warm greeting, and as a bonus, a little extra pour of the cabernet. This morning it occurs to me that the only regret I have for the meeting is that I'm joining a group and making friends that will likely never include my wife. Still, it was good times and I'm looking forward to the next meeting in early February.

Dani, I think I see your point. An example might be use of the "n-word" for blacks. I occasionally hear one black using it to another as if they have a common bond, like "Hey bro, mind if I ask a favor of you?" (Replace 'bro' with the n-word.) But, notice that even in this message I'm not spelling out the n-word. Why? Because I know how much weight and hurt that word carries. "Tranny" has similar baggage. As does "she-male" and others. Oh sure, I can imagine that in the right setting, I might joke with Veronica that way if we were both dressed en femme. But for me I'd prefer not to hear it. What about changing public perception? I think we have enough to contend with regarding acceptance and support for trans people. Trying to also "change the meaning" of what is used as a derogatory slur seems too much. I recall the days in the 60s when my grandfather used the n-word when talking about blacks. And I remember when "black" and "gay" words emerged as friendly terms for blacks and homosexual men. I think we need to follow in their footsteps. Last, I'd like to express my appreciation for your bringing this up for discussion here. That's a good thing to do. You go, Girl! Emma

I weigh the word in how it is used and who used it and if done in appropriate manner will either educate or walk away. The option to "walk away" is always an option for me considering my advance training in martial arts and firearm tactics along with being an instructor and if things get out of control I am held to a higher standard in a court of law then someone who does not have this training. Any ways thanks for bringing this up

Just returned from obtaining my new driver license that has gender as Female with my new name then went to my bank, changed my debt card over to Karen Payne. Do I feel different, no but happy it's done Do I feel one step closer, heck yes. The two people at DMV were so nice too me Ended up not able to sleep very well last night and had a bad dream that from start to finish of the name change process I had spelled my last name wrong. Woke up and had to check my license to confirm I did not make the mistake. Update, just ordered return labels and business cards with my new name

So, ‘tranny’ creates a lot of tension in the community. Many see it as an offensive word used to insult members of the transgender community. I sympathise with this view and I am sure many people have been on the receiving end of this insult. However I think we need to reclaim this word. It is a word like any other and before automatically taking offense, let’s consider first the intention of the user. Did the person using the word intend to insult, hurt harm or cause offense? Or did they intend to use the word ironically. humorously, provocatively or even affectionately? If they were being offensive, then by all means take offense, but rather take offense at their intent and deal with that than at the word itself. If the person was being ironic, humorous or whatever then consider their good faith and respond accordingly. Let’s educate the people who seek to bully us and let us not be bullied. Language can be a powerful tool and ally. Let’s use language and rather than cower away from using powerful words, let’s embrace them.

Congrats Emma. I am glad to hear that your first meeting went so well, and that the people involved are good people. Considering some have been in the group for so long, some of the people could end up being long time friends. Hopefully one day, your wife will decide to check out one of the meetings with you. Do you think there will be any unwanted, or not-yet-ready-for ripple affects from the restaurant manager recognizing you and seeing you the group? -Michael

Personally, I like the word. It's six letters. It's short and to the point. I dont have to go into great detail about top surgery, addadicktome's, Testosterone or why after four years I am as gorgeous (though still hairless) as I am ever going to get. Sticks and stones will break my bones.. helllllll yes they will. Call me a tranny anyday, but keep the actual physical assault weapons away from me. Besides..... no one can hurt your feelings unless you give them permission and power to. Tranny I can deal with..

"Leelah Alcorn, born Joshua Ryan Alcorn, walked in front of a tractor trailer in Warren County, Ohio and scheduled a suicide note to be posted on Tumblr after her death." - http://www.christian....suicide/45253. I don't usually start out this way, on a sad note, but no matter how many times I play these words through my head, there is nothing but the same sad song coming out. As a person who has lost multiple people to suicide, I am going to say what needs to be said; the living be angered and the dead be damned. It needs to be said. Dearest Leelah, I am angry with you, kid. Maybe other people won't say that to you, because you are dead, but I will, and I can, because you aren't here to defend yourself, so I can say what ever I want. I have read your note time and time again. I mourn you loss with the rest of the world of people who know what you have gone through, and felt your pain at one time or another, and some who maybe even today, this very moment know exactly what you went through. I am sad that you are gone, and angry with you. You are not a martyr. I won't follow suit behind the people who say you died for a cause. No You died because you had some Romeo and Juliette romantic fantasy about changing the world by walking in front of a truck. Great. Now you're dead and some innocent semi-driver has to live with knowing he was the one who ran your body over. Didn't see that one coming in your attempt to change the world for the better, did you. When you were a child, you realized you were different. You told and no one believed you. You said the words and others refuted you. You KNEW WHO YOU WERE.. a gift that so many don't ever get to receive, and instead of staying the course, and hanging on just a little longer, you left. Took your life and ruined the lives of the driver and the people who depended on him. You were suffering, and you made others suffer because you were too selfish to hang on just a couple more years until you could get out of your parents home and live a life of your own. No, I will not be more kind to you because you are dead. It's the harsh reality that the kids I work with and talk to on a daily basis who feel like their lives are twisted tragedies of maladaptive behaviors and undesirable, unlovable masses of waste now feel like they have an 'out'. "Leelah did it" [speaking of your suicide] "And people are noticing her!" My response started out as one of compassion for you when I first heard your story, Leelah. But now it is compassion wrapped with truth. None of this candy coated "Poor Leelah". Rather "Yep Leelah did it and now she will never have a chance to tell her story to other kids going through what she went through, or how she made it out, and really learned to change the world" A martyr dies for a cause he believes in, and goes to his or her grave with the full knowledge that nothing more could be done on their part, that they fought the good fight until the very end. You, Leelah gave up. And now you are a misguided symbol to the transgender kids I work with and talk to; that if things get too tough, their fifteen minutes of fame and admiration will come through their death... NOTHING CHANGES IF YOU GIVE UP! How many years will people know who you are? How many months will your name roll off the tongues of the youth? People know who Martin Luther King, Joan of Arc, Jesus Christ, Buddha, and Nelson Mandela (Who suffered greatly for his cause though not put to death) because they stayed through the hard times, fought for their freedoms, fought for their rights, and the rights of others. The problem is not that you were a transgender woman that no one understood. The problem is that you decided you would walk away, take the easy way out. "Mom and dad fuck you" are not words that can be held in high regards. Nope, they didn't listen to you. Nope they didn't treat you with the respect you believed you deserved. Yep that does make them sorta shitty parents. Nope, I don't agree with their actions, nor do I completely condemn them. As parents they did what they felt they could do to make their family whole on a level that they understood. Nothing more nothing less. Socrates was a man who could have avoided death. There were people on the ready to give up their wealth, their families and their homes to help him escape prison. Other People hated him because he told the truth, and made people see their own hypocrisies. He was the snarkiest man of his day.. He chose to fight the good fight and follow through with the right thing to do. People listened to him, thousands of years ago, and even today. Newsflash.. he was a shitty parent, too and is rumored to have been a terrible son. You were not a terrible son, or a terrible daughter. You were a kid who needed to take more time to grow up. You had a voice, you gave it away. The last words you wrote were words of deep emotional sentiment, and anger, and hurt, and mistrust. Your words wont last, because there will be another, and another and another who will follow in your footsteps of giving up. You will be in a long sad line of quitters. No one ever remembers the runner up. If you wanted to change the world, you should have stuck around, used your beautiful emotional talent to encourage others to be strong, and go on. Change comes through proactive measures. Not by giving up. I am sorry you are gone, you had a lot to offer the world. You were obviously someone who had powerful things to say, but now, you can say nothing, and I have to contend with your actions through the kids I work with who say "But Leelah did it". ******************************************************************** To everyone else who would read this, I say this to you. Hang in there. Today may be bleak, and full of sorrow, but you are not alone. As trans people, we have all experienced the feelings of isolation, loneliness, and maybe the shame put on us by others. If you know a youth going through a hard time physically show them this website: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ The Trevor project is for LGBT youth who see no other way out. If you are the one having a hard time there are a number of ways to get help. On Facebook, there is a group 'Tri-States Transgender Group' it is a private group- Contact: Emilie Jackson Edney. There is always another way. Suicide is not the answer, no matter how bad things get. Ask me someday and I'll share my story. Today though, it's about you. You matter on every level of humanity. And somewhere, you are the single most important person in the world, to someone else. Don't give up. Don't give in.

Appreciate your heartfelt response to Leelah. The transgender community needs to stop the self-destructiveness. Suicide is NOT the answer.

You rock, Karen!

I thought backflips would be in order but did not happen. BUT seems it took a few minutes that while making coffee it hit me and I was bouncing up and down with a huge smile.

Truthfully, I've never understood this business of "reclaiming" something. It was never "ours" to begin with. In order to reclaim something, it had to have been yours from the start, then it was taken away. Instead, it (and all other slurs) belonged to the people who intended to hurt with such terms. For all those who prefer to use derrogatory terms and slurs in an effort to take the air out of the sails of those who mean them in a hurtful way... more power to ya's. I really don't think the people who mean it in a hurtful way give a good flip about any group allegedly "reclaiming" a word. The people who don't like any person belonging to any particular group are going to continue to use those terms whenever they want or feel they can get away with it. Personally, I don't believe any person belonging to any group should sink to using the very terms that others intend as demeaning, devaluing, discrediting and dehumanizing. But that's just my opinion. -Michael

That was truly well written, thank you. I think of suicide almost daily, not planning, mostly fleeting, but wondering how much longer or under what conditions I'll last. Your writing was very inspirational to me, thank you. Emma

:) have an awesome weekend KAREN ! Veronica.

We are so concerned about our “passibility” quotient that it can at times completely overwhelm us, to the exclusion of many other important aspects of our lives. We beat up on ourselves; become our own harshest critics because of who we see looking back at us in the mirror. Are my shoulders too wide? Thank goodness shoulder pads are back. I am guilty of these same self-critiques just as much as anyone else is, despite having gone through great lengths and expense to modify my face and parts of my body to correspond with that of a cisgender female. I am fortunate to say that I never get “clocked”, and I am currently living in stealth mode. Despite this, I sometimes look in the mirror and see nothing but imperfection. Telltale hints of my hidden masculinity. A little too much jaw muscle right there. I am so sorely tempted to do what I have done in the past: throw down exorbitant amounts of cash on the desks of surgeons to remedy what I perceive to be major imperfections. It reminds me of the old joke: “Q: What is the difference between someone who is transgender, and a transsexual?” “A: About $45,000. But where does this end? When do we reach the point where we are finished? This is a dangerous time for me, because I recognize that there is a glaring mismatch between how I often perceive myself, and how others perceive me. Have I come to the point where I am “good enough”? Are the standards that I am attempting to adhere to impossible, even for cisgender women? There are some subtle hints that my mind gives me that tell me that I am for the most part “just right”. For one, the subject of SRS: SRS for me is not a desired option. I enjoy having a penis for aesthetic reasons, although HRT has rendered it virtually useless. I think that it makes me more erotic, more exotic, more interesting sexually. When at an outdoor concert or event in which Port-A-Potties are present, it’s not a bad thing to be able to take advantage of this biology, given their general cleanliness (or lack thereof). I enjoy being penetrated, but I have never had the desire to feel that sensation in any other area of my body beyond those areas that currently exist. I really do want to undergo an orchi, but not vaginoplasty. In medical terms, it would eliminate my need to take anti-androgen medications. I would not be so susceptible to the discomfort associated constantly “tucking” and all of the attendant skin issues that this brings about. I would finally be able to wear those sexy skinny jeans I bought earlier this year. Maybe I am happier therefore to exist as a “third sex”. And being that this is so, can I be more forgiving of my superimposed maleness that may or may not be present in my body and face? Can we all be? Not at this point in time, I’m afraid. Honestly, I am a chickenshit. I’m not that much of a pioneer. I’m not that brave. Until we live in a society in which gender and gender identity are generally recognized and accepted as having great fluidity, we are at great personal risk. We cannot deny that people (men) want to injure and kill us because of who we are. Maybe there will come a time when we are accepted, not merely tolerated, for who we are, the way we are. A day when we can finally dismount this mirrored merry-go-round, where surgeon-saints hold brass rings just outside our reach. Until then, we cannot help but to overly critique ourselves, make ourselves nuts, and spend oodles of cash chasing the rainbow.

I've been ruminating about my post "No Big Deal" over the past few days and wondering why I was unable to let it go. For example, if the balance of threats and concerns weighs so heavily on the Significant Other (i.e., the cisgender person) then by what right does the Transgender person express herself, especially if she is uncertain about her needs to transition her sex? I think I figured it out this morning. I think it boils down to whether the issue is coming from the individual's inherent core or from societal mores. As I've written in my blog and other TGG posts I am very uncertain about where my transgender self resides under the umbrella of its definition. These days I think I'm much more at the crossdresser end than toward transition. But one thing I can't deny: my transgender needs/desires/self is at the core of my being. They are inherent and immutable. I can't be "cured" of them through therapy, suppression, or denial. On the Significant Other's side her feelings are no less valid and no doubt her spouse's disclosures are a surprise and may cause her to question her trust in her husband and her own instincts. That said, however, it seems to me that at least some of the wife's concerns that I listed in my post are derived more from what she's been taught that society expects and approves of. Let me emphasize that the emotions of both people are equally valid and real. But I think that measured over time, the transgender person's will last longer - forever, if you will - and it's possible that some of the cisgender partner's emotions will wane as she learns that her husband's disclosure doesn't really change anything substantial in their relationship; the changes are largely superficial. And with time and open and loving communication it's possible that the cisgender partner may come to realize that her husband's statement "It's no big deal" is more true than she thought initially. Emma P.S. My thanks to a friend who coached me on the use of pronouns. Hope I got it better this time!

Beautifully worded. You may have been coached on pronouns, but the depth ans sincerity comes only from the heart, and it shows.

Michael, I always appreciate your thoughts. Please allow me to try to shed some light into what I was meaning. I don't know if I can but I will try. My point is this: regardless of from where ones preference or comfort is derived it is valid in and of itself. As an example, my sexual preference is for women. I don't know if that is coming from my biology or sociology. It just is, at least for now. Individuals such as my friend have their own comfort zones, which need to be respected and appreciated if I am to hope that she will be able to open up to me or us. That said, I agree that societal views must also be addressed. But societies are made up of individuals who need to be won over individually by our examples of friendly, healthy, contributions to society.

Salem, I'd really like to hear more from you at TG Guide. You write with a sensitivity that resonates with me. Thank you! Emma

We need to take care of one another. If we don't who will? No one deserves to die, but I won't sit back and pretend that this senseless death has done any good in the world. With her intelligence, she could have gone on to do great things. She is not my concern at this point, anymore than anyone that I have loved that has moved on. My concern is all of us still here. She matter(ed) and we still matter. We need to take on our 'siblings' and protect each other, but also to hold one another accountable for our actions. If we don't, more good kids will die alone. I wonder if Leelah was crying as she saw the headlights of the semi-tractor. Was she ready? Did she have second thoughts too late? Was she already feeling comitted like she couldn't back out because her letter would post before she could get back to it Did she fear retribution of her family more than she wanted to live? Did pride give way to a straight road to death? There are so many unanswered questions. Things we will never know.. I don't have the answers. I just know we need to love each other, more than we do.

I really don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about. The friend that pointed out that it's all about her preference, comfort and desires is, in my opinion, speaking honestly, but her honesty was honed by what's accepted/not accepted by current society. She doesn't know any better. I truly believe it all boils down to what people are programmed to believe and accept. We live in a world where, for the most part, only two sexes are recognized. Therefore, only two genders are recognized. And consequently, gender must match sex. But if the binary theory were to stop being crammed down peoples' throats from the day they were born, and people accepted and recognized that any variation and combination of sexes and genders are possible and normal, when a person's gender discord or variance came to light, it would be looked upon as just another change in one's life that simply needs incorporating into any relationship, whether familial, intimate or social. Hence, "no big deal." P.S. Bashing not allowed.

One thing I truly do when there is a long process and I want to move forward I am like a freight train and do not stop until I get it. I hope what I write about here inspires others otherwise it's all for nothing as I am on the private side and only become public in the hopes of helping others and at the same time others can help me :-)

Congrats, Karen.. WTG!! LOL... I dunno how you can be so calm. I believe I'd try to do backflips out of the DMV after they handed me my corrected DL.

There's a story behind that. Yesterday while walking back from the coffee shop I contemplated the title of this post. Might it be: "No Big Deal - My Bad"? "No Big Deal - Emma's Blunder"? Nothing sounded right. And then I thought of mea culpa. I admit that I checked its definition to be sure, and now you know... The Rest of the Story.

Hi Daniella, My intuition was right on! I'm glad to meet you and look forward to more of your ramblings. Itches need to be scratched! :-) Emma

Well put Hun , these are things we all suffer from , at What Point .... Yeash that is such a biggy no one can say accept the one asking the personal question , when will I be complete and not so insecure of my outward appearance , well mine was just about two weeks ago when I looked long and hard in the mirror , what is it that everyone is seeing that I cant, I constantly asked myself this , and there it was right in front of me .... I turn this way It's my mother , I turn that way its my father , I turn like this and hey its Both it's Me ... Stephani Paige Ryan , I smiled and looked all directions guess who I saw Yes ... Me no one else Just me no longer Him as I once saw , but the woman every one else on the outside is telling me stands before them ... Will you ever find this happiness , I truelly Hope so I struggled for so many years after being full time that I simply wanted to crawl in a cave and turn into the little gollum from the hobbit .. searching for My precious ... who has taken my presious , it turned out I was blind to see I had my precious with me the whole time ... Find yours hun and live happy no matter the cost or surgeries you will always see the male if you dont find inner piece with who you are .. Take care and thank you for your post it is a help to not only you but to others not so lucky as we .. those who may never even step outside , those who may never even dream it is possible . Stephani