Leaderboard

So I arrive in San Francisco, love the hotel room, went out food shopping then downed to twos of A1 coffee (I tend to only drink water and coffee) and then thought, how will I get to the pre-surgery appointment tomorrow morning? Open the phone book to Taxi cab companies, there are about 20 WHAT. I call one and they said, how can I help you ma'am? I told them what I needed in the morning but got a bad feeling so I thought why not ask the front desk to see which cab company they recommended. She says where are you going, gave her the address and said you do not need a taxi as you are from the Bower group. What time do you need to be there? Told her 8AM and booked me a ride. I then asked, how do I get back, they said call the number (gave me the hotel card) for the front desk and we will pick you up WOOHOO. Many people said I could get a room for about one third of the price and I said (but this is on trust) all facts given to me point to this hotel being in alignment with Marci's surgeries and from what has happen since I have arrived is even better. So for anyone using Marci, they give you many choices to stay but most have far less then this hotel and are not in tune with Marci.

I want my surgery. There is no other way to word it or describe it. I. want. it. I'm tired of waiting, and I'm tired of putting 20$ in my savings box every week or so. It's just not cutting it, and I dont feel like I'm getting anywhere at all. So, I've decided to try something I have never ever done. Online Sales. I'm going to make an ebay account and attempt to sell things online to go towards my surgery box! So, I tried to evaluate my skills. Drawing is acceptable, but I dread the thought of my art in the hands of others. There's no way I could cope with that. Sewing? Dreadful. Knitting? Yeah, right can we say disaster? Clay works? Nope, that's my sister. When it comes to creativity, I lack it. Aside from book writing, which everyone knows will not do me any good on ebay since I'm self concious about my work plus I dont see how that would be sell-able without copyrights and all that blahness. So, I've fallen to something cheap to ship, easy to make, and cheap to do. Jewelry. Now for me making jewelry (since I've abandoned all girliness) makes me feel extremely gay but I guess that's acceptable being that I'm trans AND bisexual. I'm allowed to be a little gay But regardless....I NEED IDEAS!!! I dont know where to start, what to make, anything!! I plan to go to walmart tomorrow with 40$ out of my surgery savings (got to start somewhere) and buy supplies for getting a few pieces done. Throw them on ebay and see if I get any bites. If I dont, at least I tried. If I do, EPIC! But I still need ideas. If you guys have any, let me know, and I'll let everyone know ASAP when I get it up and running. I'm thinking Warren's Wearables. I dont know, needs work I think. I had something else I was going to tell you guys but I completely forgot o.o well crap. Tootles! Warren

http://www.etsy.com/ Dear Warren, Etsy is a great site to sell handmade goods. It is the largest in the world. Suggest you explore the website to get ideas . . . and Amazon sells books on how to sell on Etsy. Warren, there are many men who make beautiful jewelry. Take a look at Etsy's "success stories," and you will find many of them are men! Wishing you the best. Yours truly, Monica

As I said, it's 5am. 5:47am to be exact..... I wanted to write a blog, and try and toss down some of the emotions that are keeping me awake but at the moment...I feel like my brain has shut off completely. I'm not sure what to say, or how express myself right now. I had a breakdown last night...I'd been wearing a lose sportsbra to bed at night because I absolutely HATE the feeling of "them" having any freedom while I'm trying to sleep. But last night...I knew I had to take it off. It needed to be washed, and it's not healthy to leave it on all the time. Instantly I got frustrated with "them". They were heavy, in my way, I couldnt get comfortable no matter what I did or what position I found myself in....I just couldnt take it. I broke down bawling my pathetic eyes out because I hate them so much, it makes me depressed and miserable...but there's nothing I can do about it. I dont have 8000$ I literally cannot even express how much I hate them....just looking at them makes me want to cry. I get so angry just trying to wrestle into my binding shirts every day. I die of heat in an 80F kitchen every day, wearing three shirts UNDER my heavy chefs coat...but I feel like if I take them off and not bind them down, everyone can see them. I tried that one time. ONCE. And you know what happened? I left work. I told them I fell outside and hurt my back, and really needed to go home. So I did. I lied, and faked injury...because I was so embarrassed to have something I were born with. Some people dont understand, no matter how much I explain, until I have a complete mental breakdown and bawl my eyes out because I cant rip them off and throw them away. I want to punch girls in the face for saying "mine are so tiny" because I'd kill for it. I would literally rip them off and give them away if I could... I know you guys understand that to a degree, and I'll never fully understand how it feels to me MTF any more than you'll know what its like to be FTM. Because every side is different, though in some ways the same. But I feel like sometimes...not all the time! But sometimes FTMs have it bad... There is no happy medium for guys like me. I hit 13 years old and was struck with 32Ds....AT 13. I begged my mom for a breast reduction. BEGGED HER. But she told me no, I was too young. The doctor even recommended it to help me with back pain. But she still said no. Slowly they forgot about me, and it was never offered again. But I wanted it so bad....until I realized I'd never be happy with a reduction. I'd want them gone. Completely, no reduced, but GONE GONE. Then tonight, about ten minutes ago actually, I randomly decided to look up FTM on the oh-so-mighty awesomeness of Youtube. Hey, why not, right? I'll admit, almost every single transition video I watched brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes...but they made me angry. Angry, frustrated, depressed...... I want what they have. I literally thought think of nothing else. "I want that." I want to go through the whole process. I want those awesome results, that insane happiness of feeling at least 98% complete. Damn it, I WANT THAT. But.... I dont, and I cant...at least not for...jeez....YEARS... I feel like I'll never get there. I'm closer, yes. Much closer than I was in Janurary 2014! But for me it just doesnt feel like enough... It'll never feel like enough until my I.D. says Warren, Male, 198pnds, NOT kristy, female, 210 I dont want to say it, but I ****ing hate my body. There, said it. I really...really....REALLY ****ing hate the cards I've been dealt. And yes, I have gotten to those crying fits were I spit out "why me" and "its not fair". I'm sure we all have. But at what point am I going to be okay with this crap? I say I'm toughing it out and the world can suck it, and that's true! I'm toughing it out TOWARDS OTHERS. I'm ignoring what OTHER PEOPLE SAY. I'm being me as best I can! But I cant ignore my own fears, frustrations, and unbelievable anger towards my family, my body, hell even my doctor and therapist. I feel like I'm the only one trying to win this war, and everyone else is just nodding at me and saying "yup, cool, keep doing that" while they sit there eating popcorn. I havent gone back to cutting and I'm doing my very very best to keep that going. But god damn it no matter how many swears, CAPSLOCK and god knows what else I type or say or do, it will never EVER express how much I hate this war. Arguing with my reflection, debating with my wardrobe, and bickering with my selfconciousness. I think I finally understand what they mean by "Battle of the Brain" or "Battle of Wits" My war isnt with my binder, and the world around me. It's not with the judgement that's passed regardless of what I do or what I dont do. It's with myself. I cant seem to sit myself down and tell myself to slow down and take it easy. I've never been patient. But I know what I want, and I want it now. Not next year, not five years from now, and certainly not when I'm 30. But the more I push forward, seems like the more I hit brick walls. And like I usually do in minecraft, I forgot my damn pickaxe in my other world. The Game is Kicking my ***, Warren

Six days until surgery, feeling content right now. About the only thing that is a possible issue revolve around, did I bring everything I need? Anyways I plan on keeping a journal from arrival in California through out the time I am in California to the weeks following for recovery on the blog in my signature in hopes it will help anyone else following a similar path as me. Yes I know there are plenty of entries on the web for this but each story is somewhat different than the ones prior so this will be my experience.

As I come out among other fellow trans people, I'm finding out just how large the "umbrella" really is. There's such a wide variety. I used to think you had to have hormones and surgery in order to be transgender, but I know that's not the case, necessarily. Everybody's different. I'm too poor to afford hormones and surgery, and I don't like pain. I do not cross dress, and I'm not criticizing anybody who does. If you saw me, you'd see a perfectly masculine body, and my voice is likewise male. Okay? What's so transwoman about you? It's my innermost feelings. Couple that with the fact that I like the sound of girls' names more than guys' names, and I've always wanted to be called by a female name. Additionally, I find myself, more and more, as I get older, wishing I could use the ladies' restroom, never mind my parts. I cannot pretend to be against the thought of lawmakers trying to make it legal to choose the bathroom you'd be most comfortable using. I am through with pretending, and yet I tremble at the thought of the backlash I'd receive. I mean, I find myself wishing I could be justified in using the ladies' room, simply because I sit... Also, I get my strongest inner woman feelings around guys. I virtually always feel like a girl amidst guys. I can't explain myself. Other than that, I like my short hair and other male features, though I sometimes wish my voice was higher. This is why I consider myself a transgender female, though I don't look or sound the part. This is why I love this website. I can leave my real name out of it and identify as a girl, never mind the features. My inner man is a woman.

My gender dysphoria has been really bad again this week. I did outline roadmap for myself, still working on it. But I need to get started with hormones and hair removal. I don't know what else to do! -Lisa

Dear Karen, You are wise to look at the big picture, having done your research, and to avoid being being penny wise and pound foolish! Your friend, Monica

I leave for California tomorrow early morning, arrive around noon, get picked up by a limo which takes me to my hotel (luggage arrived yesterday). See what I can explore, have dinner, watch some television than Monday morning at 9AM is my pre-surgery appointment, explore again during the day, dinner, crappy tasting poop all night meds. Tuesday get to the surgery center at 6AM for check-in, surgery at 7:30AM. Doubt very much I will be blogging on Tuesday but surely the next day. For anyone interested http://karenpayneblog.com Will be taking pictures of my new vagina every couple of days then once a week but not posting them here but will post them on a private FTP site for those who would care to see the progress over say the next six months. The address will be given out by anyone here sending me a private message. Oh, I will do a video via webcam this coming Friday for giving updates on my condition.

Sadly there are no HL's in my area :/ My choices are limited to Walmart and Target that are in my driving range unless I drive about an hour, even then I get Michaels (super expensive) and Kmart. I dont think I'll spend too much to just try this out, and see how it goes. But I will certainly keep the bulk option in the back of my mind in case this works better than I think it will. Warren

I don't have any jewelry ideas... but I have a suggestion --- if you have a Hobby Lobby nearby somewhere, you might want to compare prices before you buy everything in Walmart. While Wally World does have a lot of things cheaper than in other stores, Hobby Lobby is a hobby store and so may stock many craft items cheaper. I used to do a lot of Native American bead work. I bought probably 98% of my supplies from Hobby Lobby. I don't do much bead work now, but for any project I dream up...I usually head to HL.* It may also be worthwhile to check online for some items. I don't know anything about jewelry making...but if there is any item that you would use a lot of, you may be able to get that item in bulk, and it could turn out to be cheaper in the longer. The less you have to spend, the better prices you can offer, the more you can make. -Michael *Yeah, HL is that great little company that apparently doesn't have a whole lotta love for those of us in the TGLB community. Unfortunately however, as a wanna-be-artist, HL is the only place in my area that has a good selection of art and craft materials at a decent price. :(

She only told me that if I ever had any problems emotionally or need someone to talk to, call 911. Yeah....right. Thanks doc I'm not suicidal but I just hit really low, low points.

I have often thought, that if there just wasn't the crap on my chest, I could deal with this much, MUCH better. I understand your frustration, your disgust, your anger. My own frustration, digust and anger has been increased over the past 7 to 10 years because I've unfortunately gained weight. And of course, we know what happens to the chest when ya gain weight. Then I sit here and think of the days when I was nice and muscular. My calves were hard as bricks and my shoulders and neck were all built up - and that was just due to my occupation. And then go get some to eat. Yeah. They suck.

Before my wife knew about me, she wondered if our son, who is was 4 years old, might be transgendered. I told her that I did not think so. For a variety of reasons. But lately my feelings on that have changed. Over the last few months, he has been immensely interested in girl dolls. Lately, Barbie and American Girl. When my wife was about to donate my daughter's Kit doll, my son, now 6 years, just about pitched a fit, so we let him have her. Anyways, American girl dolls have matching outfits for the girls as well as the books. This was the first thing that he asked for. Unfortunately, my wife had gotten rid of the clothes my daughter wore and the books. Two weeks ago, my son told me that he wished that he could wear the same clothes as Kit to school, that he felt like he was both a girl and a boy (bigendered), but he was afraid that he would be embarrassed. I did not say much other than to ask why. After that, he has been either asking for matching Kit clothes or a life-sized girl doll that he can dress with real girl clothes. This past Saturday my son wanted me to put up posters in his room. As we were up there, he reiterated his desire for a full-sized doll. Which is when I asked him the point blank question, "do you want to have a full sized doll so that you can wear the clothes as well". He said yes. I asked him what types of clothes he wanted to wear and he said dresses. He showed me the types of dresses and even mentioned a dress (in great detail) that he wanted from Target. Anyways, I could tell that he was embarrassed about it. I told him that there was nothing wrong with wearing girl clothes, wanting to wear girl clothes or to be a girl. That I loved him no matter what. He said "Thank you, Daddy" and gave me a hug. We talked for a few more minutes and then I went to talk with my wife, who talked with him. But I went downstairs and cried. In a way I was thankful that he could come and talk to me about it. But at the same time, I was hoping that he would not have the same struggles that I had and am having with gender. I talked with my wife later and told her that I think we need to let him express himself and that at some point, I need to let him know about me. She is worried about the struggle at school. Though they have a TG policy, just instituted this year at my son's school, it will be hard. Also, she is worried that he is not reading. I told her, this might be a reason. Anyways, I felt so bad for her. She has a husband who is thinking about transitioning and now a son that wants to be a girl at school. Though, she said that maybe me coming out to her two years ago and going through this was to prepare for what my son is going through. It's hard to say. But, I know this. I will fight like an angry momma bear for him. And so will his momma. --Lisa

Everybody has their own story to tell, and you never know when your story will be the one that makes a profound difference in the life of someone searching for answers.

Hope it's a nominal event and you heal up quick ! Will be thinking of you. Fair winds as you go ! Veronica.

I'm so excited for you!

Well hello world. This is new for me so please be patient. Like misspelled words and punctuiation.....lol. I came out to my family around 10 years ago and through life's choices and circumstances I got put on hold, me Melody put on hold now if that ain't a bummer. Well so be it and life is life. I have turned a page in that book and am starting over, again >>>> forward. Ya that way. Never fully stopped after all I am who I am. So to all that may read I wish you luck in your journey of life. As I begin my journey forward.

I think it is important to journal as I learned from others before me this way

Well theres good parts and of course, bad parts, to life in general. It started out where a lot of stress comes from in any average american, regardless of sexuality, gender, or lifestyle. Your workplace. My mind was deadset and my plans set, and I walked in with confidence and pride. I wanted my name tag officially changed away from my feminine name and to my male nickname of 'Ren'. I was so set on it, I had my whole heart bursting with excitement. One little tiny piece of plastic to wear every day to remind me of who I am, and that no one could take it away from me. That it would be me. Mine. Upon requesting a change of nametag, I were told that the H.R. woman would have to ask my supervisor/head chef about it first. Confused and seeming a little put off by the notion....he denied my request. That until I get my name legally changed....he refuses to allow me to have my name tag changed. A non-binding piece of plastic...something that would make next to no difference in the world to anyone but me...but he said no. Personally, if I may be so bold....it felt more like a personal disapproval on his part rather than professional opinion. Almost like he didnt understand why I wanted my name changed, and when he did....and he realized what was slowly developing between my change of appearance and then to my change of name...its like him saying "Not in my kitchen, you wont." It hurt...it STILL hurts. Though I am very proud to say that my relationship with my boyfriend has skyrocketed into support and understanding. He fully supports me and is assisting me in legally changing my name, and I'm going to call the courthouse tomorrow to pick up my paperwork and get that started. Not only to support me and make me happier but in spite of OUR boss being negative about the situation, he has decided to start calling me Ren whilest at work, instead of my feminine name. It makes me smile and tingle in my heart every time he does, and he started to do so without me even asking it of him. He did it of his own choice, and to me, that's the best and brightest part of it all. The Bad Turns: I brought my littlest sister home after a month long visit, and it pained my heart so badly to bring her back. I know how my mother treats her, and I know that my oldest sister is the worst offender. But I cannot legally keep her here, and I cant yet finacially support her either. Justin and I are in the process of looking for a two bedroom apartment near us so that we can let her move in with us, but we have to wait impatiently for our taxes to come back, pool it all together, and see what we can do. Upon visiting with my family while at my mom's house, I was painfully aware of the little comments and hints my older sister was throwing out. I know she doesnt approve nor understand me being male when she's always known me as a sister. She does this in public as well, and makes a point to loudly call me her sister in front of others to embarrass me or confuse people. But that day....I'd had enough. My family and I were discussing name changes, and that my mom and 19 year old brother want to leave their last names for my mom's maiden name. I voiced my opinion that I could never do that, as it is my father's last name, and since his passing away; its the only thing I have left of him. Despite taunting that I get for the last name, I carry it with pride and defend it because not only is it my right, it is my family, my life, and my heritage. I said "It's all I have left of dad, and eventually I'm going to legally have his Middle name in his honor". To which my older sister replied "Yeah because you'll never have his gender, no matter what you do." and she laughed about it. It stung, and I snapped. I gave Justin the nod to signify that I wanted to leave, and my sister began to scream and yell at me for being a coward and wanting to leave. I dont remember what was said, but there were a lot of tears, a lot of screaming. I gave my mom a hug to let her know that it was between me and my sister and not her fault, and all the kids came to my aid with love and hugs, and I was on my way. I bawled my eyes out. Not only because I dont like having those fights, or fighting in general because it pumps up my anxiety....But the fact that my sister's disapproval of who I am had gotten so drastic that she's taken up the full time effort to throw it in my face. That's when I also decided...I dont care anymore. I'm changing my name. I'm being myself. And frankly.....everyone who disapproves can kiss my ***. I'm done pleasing the world. My boss will get over it, or I'll go over his head for descrimination. It's an equal opportunity employment and the company prides themselves on diversity for all genders, races, sexualities, nationalities, etc. If he's choosing to go against their open door policy, he'll be in a world of hurt. If my sister doesnt approve, she can simply keep talking because I'm no longer listening. Even if the world decides to crush me for it, I'll still be a shining, crushed pile of manliness. You wont find a hair tie, pink blouse or skirt on me. If you dont like my boxers, dont look. If you dont like my haircut, dont look. If you dont like the way I talk, act, walk, or be myself....keep walking. Because THIS dude dont give a ****. I'm done with it. I am Warren Renexius Ornan G. And if they dont like it, they can shove it. --Warren ON A SIDE NOTE: Slipped and fell on the ice on my way to my car today, severely sprained my ankle, bruised my shin muscles and bruised my achilles' tendon. Two days off work for me >.<

Karen, I'm glad to hear of your journaling plans. its been great to follow along on your progress! Hugs, Emma

For Christmas my son gave me a copy of the book "Fully Present: The Science, Art, and Practice of Mindfullness." I had mixed emotions about it. On the one hand I've heard about the benefits of mindfullness meditation for several years and thought this might finally give me what I need to actually learn and add it to my life. On the other hand I've had so much trouble accepting mindfullness. (Isn't meditation a bunch of hocus pocus mumbo jumbo?) I worried that once again I'd fail to follow through and thus re-live all the emotional baggage that comes with that. I'm glad to report that I have been making some good progress (about half-way through). I'm trying to be very Zen-full about reading it, allowing myself to read a little, put it down for a day or two, and then come back to it. Today I came across something that I'd like to write about: R. A. I. N. Negative emotions are very natural, most likely emerging from our early ancestors' needs to be aware of danger, protect themselves, care for their families and communities. But these days we tend to think negatively about even having negative emotions; we try to rid ourselves of these emotions through introspection or suppression. Worse, we may continue to bring up and enhance those emotions by continually replaying the events that triggered them. Good grief! Here's a quick summary of a technique (okay, it's Buddhist, but let's forget that for the moment) that has the acronym RAIN, which stands for Recognition, Acceptance, Investigation, and Non-identification. It's been taught all over, from prisons to schools, to couples in therapy - with very positive results. So, what do we have to lose from trying it out? Recognition The first step is to recognize the emotion, and give it a label such as grief, anger, sadness, fear. Just giving it a label enables us to gain some cognitive distance, to "see it" for what it is, an emotion. Acceptance Whatever we experience is okay. Whether it's an emotion we like or not, you're human, and you have emotions. From the book, Mindfullness encourages you to be present, without shame or blame or fear, to what is truly happening. Once the emotion is labelled, in Recognition, we need to accept it. Like hugging a child when she falls, telling ourselves "It's okay, you'll be fine, I'll take care of you." This may be easier said that done since we may reject feeling the emotion at all, as if it's bad or shameful in and of itself. In that case, consider that emotion, go back to Recognition, and see where that takes you. Investigation Now that you've recognized and accepted the emotion, consider how it is affecting you in your body. Shortness of breath? Tight throat? Stomach clenched? Note that in RAIN "Investigation" doesn't mean to imply that we should consider where the emotion may be coming from, say our childhood or something. "Investigation" is just a handy word whose "I" fits well into the acronym. :-) Non-Identification This is perhaps the hardest step but it's the one that we want to internalize. It's where you observe the emotion as if it's not a part of you at all. It's not your emotion instead it's the emotion, which we know from experience is transient, "this too shall pass." Nothing is perfect and we're not Buddhist monks. But I suppose many of us look for more tools and techniques. Hope this helps you. Heck, I hope it helps me. We'll see; I've got something to try it out on right now! Wish me luck. Emma Photo: I shot this in a huge open-air monkey zoo in South Africa. I like this scene a lot. Probably could be a crisper photo but hey, it was happening in real life!

Addendum After posting this I walked 45 minutes to Cafe Borrone to give me a chance to put RAIN into practice. I'd stored up some anger and hurt since a confrontation with my wife on Friday morning. First: which to focus on, the anger or the hurt? According to the book, choose the "biggest one" so I chose anger. And I must say, it really seemed to dissipate as I went through the RAIN steps. At Cafe Borrone I settled into reading Learning Swift Programming and a pint of Racer 5 IPA. (Yes, the propeller on my beanie is spinning rapidly. Wouldn't you like to read about optionals and tuples?) As I was reading my thoughts drifted. I realized the next emotion to come up was fear. Where is all this headed? Will she (does she) still love me? Aha! Another opportunity to try RAIN. (Channeling Spock, with his raised eyebrow: "Captain, it appears you're experiencing the fear emotion that humans experience so often.") So yeah, I went through it again, this time for fear. And I'll tell you: it helped. Sure, I have some remnants. But the back has been broken on that emotion at least for now. Give it a try yourself. Probably ought to buy the book (no, not the Swift book).

Several unrelated observations from the past week have led to some thoughts I'd like to share here. Sneak preview: I wonder if I am transgender. Answer: yes. Here goes: I attended a TG Discussion Group (i.e., not led by a therapist) this week. Everyone there except me has either fully transitioned or is on hormones. I mentioned that I had not gone to any of their social events because I don't have a complete feminine outfit (with all of the accoutrements) and am wondering these days how important that is for me. Someone said (in a nice way), "Gender isn't the clothes. It's all between the ears." Everyone nodded and agreed. Thinking about it later that night I wish I'd asked, "If it's all between the ears then perhaps that explains why some are comfortable in their choice to live within the boundaries of their born sex?" I suspect there is some truth in that. And maybe those in that place under the TG Umbrella don't see the "boundaries" at all. I'm thinking this may be me. When I consider attending a TG social event fully expressing myself as a transwoman it is a little exciting, sure. But there are rather big buts, such as: I want to look nice. Not over the top at all, just well put-together. Assembling all of the pieces of such an outfit would be very expensive when you consider I'm starting from essentially nothing. I don't feel an inherent joy in making my face up more than perhaps the minimal that most cisgender women do. But goodness knows I'd need a fair amount of it applied in an artful manner. And, the thought of doing all this for perhaps a 2-3 hour event with people I don't have much in common with... Maybe I'm not transgender at all. I'm just a lonely imposter in the TG house? I met with my therapist yesterday morning, one on one. I told him that I just want to be loved by my wife for who and what I am. I told him all of the above, and: I often sleep in a simple nightgown since I was barred from sleeping with my wife in "our" room. Nothing fancy or frilly, it's like a long-sleeve T-shirt in a soft modal fabric. It just feels good, like a hug. When I wear a leotard and tights (under my outerwear), here again, it just feels like a warm hug. I'm okay. Yes, I occasionally get a minor and transient erotic thrill but that's also similar to how I feel when in a warm embrace. At the discussion group one of the transexual women (who transitioned >30 years ago) mentioned, "Although transitioned, we'll never be fully women. For example, when I attended college after my SRS and the other girls shared their prom photos and other girlhood memories, I didn't have those." She said it very matter of fact, with no emotional baggage. I responded with something like, "Oh my, that must have been painful for you." No one else picked up on that and the discussion moved on. Also at the discussion group I felt a bit left out as they were largely focused on hearing themselves talk. I guess I don't blame them. Like me, there are darned few places where they can express themselves. I wasn't able to get much of a word in edgewise and just listened. My therapist responded that the feelings I express are, in his experience, more typically those of a woman's. Earlier that week he had a couple in for therapy where, for example, the wife used my same words, "I just want you to love me for who I am." So yeah, I am a member of the transgender camp, grateful for having a place like TG Guide to come to, express myself, and share my feelings. Emma P.S. I sincerely hope that all who read this understand that my writing is solely about my own thoughts and observations, and I don't mean to imply any judgment of anyone else. I'm truly respectful and appreciative of everyone in the transgender community, their individual journeys, gender expression, and rightful place under the umbrella. Photo: I shot this from inside the Excelsior Lodge in South Africa a couple of years ago. I loved their windows and the scene they framed. It seems like an appropriate photo for today's blog.

Your comment about being an "imposter in the TG House", I used to feel as well. Especially if you go to a group where several have transitioned or are in the process of transitioning. I felt like if I was not in the process of transition that somehow I was a fraud. Someone said they felt like a fraud and someone else felt like they did not have courage as well and I said that I felt the same way to the group. But, we can't feel that way. We all have our own individual journeys and should not feel like we have to transition, have SRS, etc. For example, I may never transition. If I did transition, I may have FFS, but will most likely not have SRS or at least have it for a while. Yet I feel the need to present and express myself as female. And look good. It's true that gender is between the ears. But we all have a need to express our gender in some way. For me, it has to do with how I am perceived and what I've learned that society finds acceptable. For others, it may be different.

Muchas gracias to both of you! I really appreciate your support and comments. A recurring issue for me is, as Veronica says, let the chips fall. It's hard for me to let go. I'm working on that. It's all part of my own Finding Myself Journey I suppose. Maybe I should have satin baseball jackets made with "Emma's 2015 Tour" embroidered on the back? Kidding. I'd never do such a thing. Warm hugs for you both, Emma

Thanks for sharing Emma, the way I see it you are trans* by all means, no question about it and I say that in a good way. And I enjoyed reading this blog entry. IMHO it is not the clothes, heaven forbid I am not one to put on makeup and fancy clothes to say to the world "Hey, I am female". My best friend is relentless in trying to get me to purchase very pretty outfits but I will not have that. I agree to somewhat that it's between "here" that indicates I should be female or I should be male dependent on the person but to me, it's in my head. There are days in the past year I went out to teach a class and wore the appropriate clothes and not even attempt to look female but yeah I did and that is just fine with me. In the end I am comfortable in jeans with my hair in a ponytail. PS I am not one for sitting in a group to hear myself chat with others but instead a willing participant to share knowledge that benefits the group.

Sweetie, this is your journey and what it means to you may will be different from others. You don't need to be taking hormones or have surgery to be transgender or feel female. You also don't have to transition full-time, unless you feel you need to. I'm so glad that you do feel welcome here and can share. Hang in there! Lisa