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Have some ugly, discomforting pain from gas for the past two hours but no pain at surgery site. It is hard to type but wanted to get this out.

Feeling much better, packing has been removed, virtually no bleeding

Just typed a whole lot and was lost with no idea why

Doctor Bowers did a peek in, said no need for sutures which is good news. Marci and the two nurses said my vagina came out very good.

Update, the nurses started to become concerned with me bleeding excessively. About 4PM Marci came in after finishing up another surgery and had to do a few sutures on me. At 9PM no bleeding detected so all is good. Tomorrow I get out of bed and walk :-) PS Saw my new plumbing :-)

Fear and unacceptance: ingredients for a poisonous coctail. As some here know, I came out to three people some time back: my girlfriend, my brother and my mother. My girlfriend was in shock, and things were a little rocky for a while. Not because she discovered that I was TG/TS, but that I had been lying to her (our relationship began online). Prior to coming out to anyone, I "lived my online life" as a man. No one knew that I was trans, no one knew that I wasn't just another guy - including her. My brother had no problem with what I had to tell him. I could have told him years ago. I wish I had known. My mother took it well at first. Unfortunately, a few short months later, something changed. And it wasn't in my favour. Today, my brother works at avoiding referring to me as a female when he's talking to other people. When we're together, he doesn't call me "David," but he also doesn't call me by my birth name - which he never has anyway - only my nickname. But now, instead, he will on occasion call me by a shortened version of my nickname which is [usually considered] a boy's name. My girlfriend continues to treat me like she would treat any man...like she has treated me from day one And though she was royally pissed with me for lying to her, her love for me has never changed. But that I lied to her, it compromised her trust in me for a long time. I cannot blame her for this. As for my mum, she has let me know that I will never be her son, but despite the fact that she is not overly happy with the way I dress, she no longer questions me about it... though the last time I visited, she slyly tried to figure out my chest. Or the seeming lack of what's considered a "female" presentation. Now for that cocktail I nurse everyday. It's not much different than an actual alcoholic drink is to an alcoholic - I know it's bad for me, but I drink it anyway, knowing what it will do to me, or what it could do to me. Ingredient #1: Fear I fear what people I know will think of me. I fear what people will say about me. I fear that people I know, or have worked with will call me names and laugh at me. I never did well with stuff like that I fear there will come a time when my girlfriend will not be able to endure the stress of having a transman for a friend, a lover, a mate. I fear that when I transition, my girlfriend will see a different person. I fear that like so many guys do, after transition, I will lose the woman I love. The fear of so many things, has me rooted in one place. If I don't conquer the fear, and move to where I want to be, I might lose her anyway (long distance relationship). I fear that when I do transition, I will lose parts of my family. Ingredient #2: Unacceptance If the unacceptance came from any other place, from any other person than my own mother...I could perhaps shrug it off. I could accept it and go on about my merry way. I believe if the unacceptance was from any source but my mum, I could probably dilute the fear enough to start my journey. In fact, I'm sure I could. The power of a parent standing beside you in support of you is unparalleled. Doesn't matter how old you get, a parent's approval is more valuable than anything else in a person's life. A parent's approval is like a super-heroes power protecting you from everything and everyone around you. So here I am, still, sitting at the "Pity-Party Bar"...swilling on that noxious cocktail of eight parts fear with a generous splash of unacceptance, knowing damn well it's killing me...but like some alcoholics, unable to climb down off the barstool and turn my life around so that I can start living...

Time Since my "limited coming out" at age 48 in 2005, I've lamented the loss of time more than I ever have. Additionally, it feels like time is flying by, mocking me. I've come to despise "father time" with every fiber of my being. I had big plans back then. Had the beginning of my rightful place in this life all mapped out. Then I discovered that the hellhole I live in doesn't have a gender therapist. There isn't one within a 4 hour drive of me. And my current situation wouldn't exactly support me disappearing a whole day every couple weeks or once a month...whenever appointments would be. Then I lost the support of my mum. After that, it seems like hope took a nose-dive. Recently, I think I've come to a realization why as an adult I've nostalgically looked back on my younger years. Yes, to some degree I believe...as probably many generations do...life was better "back then." people were more trusting of each other. We didn't live in a dog-eat-dog world. People were more social, and friends and co-workers watched your back almost like family. And in most places, the poor guy on the corner with a sign looking for help (only as a last resort) was truly destitute and needing help...and not some damn scam artist. I often enjoy watching old cartoons...as it takes me back to my childhood. I like the old shows like the Andy Griffith Show, The Twilight Zone, and westerns like Rawhide, Wagontrain and Laredo. Of course, some of those shows (like the latter ones in that list) I liked because I wished I was the guys in those shows. I look back both fondly and sadly on those days. Sadly...because of all the things I missed out on. All the things the average boy gets to experience. Back then...while I did play basketball and fast-pitch softball (I prefer to say I played baseball)...I couldn't play them as a boy, I couldn't play on a boys team - that kinda thing just didn't go over back then. While I had several serious crushes on various girls from late elementary clear through high school, I never acted on those feelings - I knew I wasn't gay and I didn't want to be seen as gay. And of course, I knew they weren't gay...so it wouldn't have mattered either way. Missed out on asking a girl to the prom. And since I couldn't do that, naturally...I didn't get to get all decked out in a tux, and pick her up armed with a corsage for her. Didn't get to fall in love with the woman of my dreams and ask her to marry me. Mighta been willing to have kids had I been born with all the right body parts. Mighta been willing to adopt kids if I could have let someone in on my big secret back then and had been able to transition when I was young... back then. Yeah...woulda been nice, I think. Now at 51... I sometimes think to myself, it would be nice to hear someone call me "dad." Now...there is a woman in my life. A woman I want very badly to make my wife. Got a few things in my current life that I need to take care of first, though. But it seems like time is leaving me behind. Sometimes I sit here thinking time is gonna take her away from me before we can even start a life together...or me away from her. Or just not leave me enough time to spend with her once we are together. Sadder yet is the fact that I can't even tell anyone about her since no one knows about the real me. Despite having a woman I love, and who loves me, I still find myself quite often cursing time and age...because I couldn't enjoy life and a wife as a young man. I couldn't be the fiancé instead of the fiancée. I couldn't enjoy all those firsts and all the memories that remain afterward... as a man, with his wife. No first apartment, then first house. No celebrating anniversaries and job promotions. No kids and playing Santa. No enjoying our golden years together, properly aged with a lifetime of cherished moments. No sharing those memories with grandkids. We lose all that never was or could have been. We walk through this life as stoically as we can, keeping our pain to ourselves until we can't take it anymore. When the over-whelming need to be ourselves finally forces us to step forward, those around us wanna give us grief for it. Then, after having lost a lifetime of things missed, some of us lose family, friends, jobs. So then, loneliness can be added to the pain. Thankfully...I don't have to worry about losing a job. Unfortunately...I am fairly sure I will lose all family except my brother. Friends...I can't say I care one way or the other. Over time, they've not turned out to be all that great anyway. I look back nostalgically because it was a time of innocense. There was not the intense pressure yet to play some role. And before puberty...this gender identity thing wasn't quite kickin' my ass the way it did and continued to do afterward. I wish that I could do it all over again. Get another chance to "do it right." I wish I could take what I know now, back in time, do it all over again...and come out as a kid. Or at least much sooner than I finally did, or perhaps not try so hard to fill that damned assigned gender role. I think things might have been a little easier for me if I just had been myself no matter what. And of course, NOT do some of the things I did... like play the part of the "fiancée" and freakin' get married. If it wasn't for the fact that the woman I love, loves me so much, and it would hurt her so badly, and I DO want to be with her... I'd end it...

Got to walk but got a really bad gas attack, lucky it happened next to my bed because I collapsed onto the bed. Ten minutes later I feel fine

I love to cross dress, I'm not really sure how it makes me feel or at least I can't describe the feeling but I feel like I should have been a woman but at the same time I would miss my digit or whatever you'd like to call it. As I was growing up all of this was unheard of, at least by me. Back in my day I would have got the crap beat out of me if people knew how I really felt. I have decided to cut loose and let my feelings show at least to the people on this site, because I feel safe here. It is hard going from one point to another one that is totally different from the way other people percieve me. I was masculan jock all of the time I was growing up, but I alwas elt like someting was missing, but times have chaged and I feel like Im not as alone as I thought I was, It's probably too late and I'm probably too old but I have made up my mind to try growing some feminie breasts. I don't have a clue as to long it takes but I would apreciate some feedback on that. I am not really sure what I can say on this site but I have also decided that I like the sexual aspects too. I would like to hear some feedback if you have the time.

I have not been keeping count on visits from nurses but enough that is not conducive too sleeping. Just a little bit ago my pads/packing was changed then a follow up to make sure there was no leakage. I have to say the nurses here are top notch, well versed with taking care of me after GRS. All in all I am feeling great except for sleep which I am sure will get caught up on.

There is no such thing as a "minor" surgery. What you just went through, EPIC, rest and let the angels of medicine work they're magic ! :)

Best of luck for a fast recovery. It might take awhile and some days may be better than others. If I recall correctly, the 3rd and 4th days were a bit more painful. Hopefully you will be comfortable but some rougher days are probably the norm. It will all be over soon and it will be worth it so stay focused on the goal. :)

My best friend arrived tonight with a flower bouquet with a balloon "it's a girl". What happened at one point after she took several pictures of me and then broke down crying saying "I have never seen you this happy" to me and pretty much seconds later I had tears o joy. This will be a memorable moment in time for me which really there are no words to tell people how I felt at that very moment.

AWWW, I send my love and light and you have been in my prayers all day...xo

Well Done ! Get some rest! will be thinking of you. TY for the update.

When I wrote that, I was most likely suffering a round of mild depression, and as is clearly indicated - self pity. I think today is the first time I've read it since it was first posted. Sorta surprised me how raw it sounds - I do not normally open that door. Sorta disappointing that I'm still stirring in that drink. Sorta sad that anyone else feels the same way. We need to push away from the bar.... -Michael

Dear Michael, You wrote this almost two and a half years ago, and I wonder, how do you feel today? I like how you are so open and vulnerable on this post. I feel very similarly and appreciate your finding the words for my feelings. Hugs, Emma

Try to remember that the "good old days" weren't good. Although transgendered people weren't publicly reviled, they were privately reviled. They were sinners and absolutely everyone knew it. They were left alone because no "ordinary" person would admit they could happen in the "perfect" world. Those persons couldn't ever be out even though they already were. They never had the chance we "modern" folks have. Now, there are some conclaves we can resort to. Then, they had nowhere else to be. They were the "black sheep" and the "skeletons in the closet." Frankly, I wish every family would admit to one. Then perhaps the children would realize we aren't so abnormal after all.

I can relate so deeply to so much of what you say. It seems to me it was a different time when we were growing up. It wasn't so easy to find resources or support. In my case, conservative adults in my life would have likely made my life intolerable if I had come out. I was so confused I didn't know what I was anyway. So much of life, I believe, is about self-acceptance and being able to enjoy the things you do have, and those things in turn create the hope that carries you into tomorrow. I'm glad you have someone to share love, and hope.