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Okay, this entry isn't really about "The Sound of Music" but the title seemed appropriate as I got started. And since it's my blog, well, you get the picture. The reason I'm writing here is that I have another article that I'd like to share but couldn't decide on a good place to post in the Forums. It's about climbing mountains - personal mountains, full of loose shale and dangerous outcroppings: Every life has a Great Struggle. A struggle that defines how—and whether—that life will reach fulfillment. Struggling well—facing, embracing, and overcoming one’s struggle—and struggling poorly—escaping, replacing, and ignoring one’s struggle—is one of the greatest and most necessary disciplines that we must master if we are to live, prosper, and blossom. For the truth is that if we don’t overcome our struggles, you know and I know: we will probably end up trapped in lives that feel like bitter and desperate failures, futile, meaningless, diminished. https://medium.com/bad-words/the-art-of-competition-5b7b3704d8c2 Breathe. Look up. See the mountain. Accept the gift. Emma

Week of 2015-01-26 So I thought I posted this, but did not. Don't know what happened. I did talk with my wife last week about having difficultly in not transitioning and being transgender and that I think that I need to transition. I told her that I talked to my therapist about and that she would recommend me, just based on the few sessions I had. She cried and reminded me that she wanted to be married to a man. I cried as well. She said that this would be so hard and how do you plan on doing this without creating tons of problems. And I said that I did not know. But I was planning on resigning from the church vestry if I did transition. And even though I know the church would support and accept me, that I would probably leave because I would not want to rip the church apart. Another question she asked was, "why now?" And I told her I did not know why, but that I think it has to do with me tying my identity to my career / job. My dad dying may have something else to do with it as well. I also told her that, if I did transition, it would not be for 2 to 3 years. I told her that she was all that I have ever wanted that I would continue to work and fight for this family through my transition. And continue to do whatever I had to, in order to support my family. I told her again that I've felt like this my whole life, since being 3 or 4 years old. That there are so many ways that we sin or behave badly, and that in most cases when we are young those things are put on us as youth. But this is the one of those things that society or family did not put on me... it was always there. I didn't know anything about being gender-variant until I was in 5th grade. The next day driving to work in the morning she called me, which she never does. She told me that no matter what I do, that I will support you. For me, that means the whole difference in the world. It is not a promise, because nothing in life is guaranteed. But what it means to me is that she will stand by me and support me through this if I decide to transition or not. Which will make the difference between those who are on the fence or will attack me based on this decision. --Lisa

Just received my confirmation for a limo which will pick me up at my hotel and drive me to the airport in style. Have been here for 12 days that mark the beginning of my new life and even though I have missed home I have to say all those who have helped me do the transition here I am very grateful too. As I have mention several times that this is simply a stepping stone in my journey that by no means complete it is simply the most expensive aspect of this journey. One of the promises I made to myself was to get a new tattoo after surgery but never made a decision on the artwork. So far have narrowed it down to either a small butterfly or single small rose in the pelvic region. I already have four tats where on average I contemplate for a few weeks followed by seeking our a design over several weeks then submit to my artist whom I ask to adjust to my thoughts. My next thing to work on is losing 20LB which I could not do in the past few months because of an issue with my leg and have physical therapy lined up in March. I had the same problem 25 years ago and had it fixed until two months ago. Something I have been thinking about too (the decision has been made a while back) is restructuring my self defense classes and adding focused classes for LGBT and woman only classes. The only thing holding me back is having a place to do the classes so more likely than not will take these classes on the road. I am going to work off a sliding scale in regards to cost of classes where cost will be greatly reduced for those who can not even afford my classes so the goal is to train anyone who wants training no matter their ability to pay.

It has been nine days post surgery noticed the following which I really should had mention two days ago. Date of surgery, no black and blue at the site, near end of day two, ugly black and blue. Two days ago, zero black and blue, two tiny areas that are medium red under the site and each day are getting smaller and smaller. Pain, I was out all day where we were sitting 95% of the time, after about six hours or so one side of the public area was bothering me and had to readjust how I was sitting which lead to no pain. That reminds me, need to take a selfie down there which I have been doing every three or four days. On a side note, was chatting with Monica and she truly has good things to point out to me, this time something I knew already but somewhat took it for granted and these people should never be taken for granted which are the registered nurses that go above and beyond what we believe they are there for. Then of course there is my surgeon who I elected to use with much research as this is a huge things to do. In the end my choices were super sound and so happy about this.

Performed my first dilation of the day, zero issues. I did learn that the mirror used to see my vagina could be used for keeping the tool from sliding so I tried this out and worked like a charm. Spent the day with an old female friend whom I have not seen in 30 years. We did a whole lot of exploring and lost track where we went to but some were not tourist attractions as she has been living out here for 25 years. She was very surprised at how I looked and said I looked great and complimented me on my slim profile. Returned home and we chatted for about an hour after we had just spent the day together then her husband called and we said our good byes for now. I really enjoyed being out with her and she did boost my confidence more. After she left I did my second dilation of the day, used the mirror again. I think when I return to Oregon I will move up one size of the tool and hopefully can manage the last size before week's end. My evening is to finish watching a movie on Amazon Prime while eating dinner followed by the last session for dilation of the day then off to bed. Once home I am going to do some research, see if I can find an examination table with stirrups which will give me a constant position and more comfortable session for dilation. I did some research here and the average price is $1000 to $2000. If anyone has seen them for less please let me know.

I want to dance like nobody is watching but yet know that they are. I want to raise my fist to the sky scream and curse fall to my knees and ask forgiveness as I forgive. I want to live to the fullest extent of my being, laugh until I cry, love with all that my heart can endure. I have to be free and allow myself to be. To except my true self and love my true self enough to let my true self live. I no longer can cower in the shadows of my learned behavior but must climb out of the shelter and stand up.

The following link is my blog entry for post surgery with Marci which includes dilation. http://karenpayneblog.com/2015/02/02/post-operation-appointment/ What I did not post there is peeing after the pee bag was removed. First thing, did a decent spray (not really something to be proud of) both times. I was told this may happen so I was well positioned for this event.

It is finally that time when I can leave California and so happy. There was one glitch, about an hour ago Alaska airlines diverted my flight from one airport which is ten minutes away to another one which is 1.5 hours away. Called the limo service and they said they would take me to the other airport.

I told my daughter I would call her next week but she thought it was going to be this week eek. So I came out in a well thought out manner, in short she was fine with it then proceeded to chatter away on normal stuff for over an hour. Yeah see we are close knit but I delayed telling her for several good reasons. Phone call ended quickly because my bowel was a moving :-) and wanted to say good bye to my poop. Oh, she is moving from the East Coast to Oregon in the fall and will be living within 20 minutes of my place. I live in the capital because of work, she will be living in Portland because of work so it all works out

Emma, I love "The Sound of Music," and my favorite song is "Climb Every Mountain." Believe that the song is all about squarely facing our struggles. Agree 100% with the essay!

I truly believe that both of you would greatly benefit from reading the following book. Enter the title into Amazon True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals I purchased a copy for work and during a meeting where I announced my transition I said that this book will be on my desk if anyone wanted answers and of course said feel free to chat with me too. Both have happened and from feedback the book helped many come to terms with my transition that were unsure.

Karen, that is good news! Especially the living nearby part!

Check out my No picnic entry, perhaps one of my most important entries where I write about being overwhelmed when thinking back on yesterday. I will state I am fine, just wanted others to see what I went through which in many ways more then the day of surgery. http://karenpayneblog.com/2015/02/03/no-picnic/

Dear Karen, Unfortunately, women spray. That is why I hate it when a woman does not take the time to put paper down on the toilet seat and sit on it when she urinates. The ones that hover over the toilet seat, leaving a mess on the seat and floor for the next woman to clean up irkes me! LOL!!

That is wonderful news. Thank you for sharing your success story! :)