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I was asked by a group of six to teach a empty hand defensive class today. My only limitation was to not go to the ground as I am still healing. Many of my techniques end up with me locking up an attacker in a manner that I can call the police and keep them at bay with just my legs and be on top of them. Generally speaking for these types of classes I have one concept to teach and also allow the students to agree say on one common attack and work that into the concepts I teach. Lastly, I demonstrate what I call "Counter-for-counter" which in short means if they did "this" I do "that" and if they then do "something else" I counter and we can keep going as long as it takes but keeping in mind this is under 10-15 seconds which many think is cool but is not easy to learn which is why I push practice and repeating my class. Oh, can't forget to show how to get out of being tied up with duct tape. One of the students today is a repeat, a black belt and is always trying to counter my counters which is cool but so far have failed to come out on top. I really like this type of student because they challenge me to be better and every class I learn something new "Always a student, sometimes a teacher" is something I fully grasp and embrace. Now what should I wear :rolleyes:

Unfortunately, there is no logical argument or scientific fact that can be used to substantiate how someone is trans* or goes through this. Thus, there must be acceptance without this. That is hard for a lot of people to do. Yet, if they do not accept us, and do not seek to understand us, we cannot dwell on that.

Lisa, thank you for sharing this. It does sound like you are dealing with a lot right now. Have you looked into resources specifically for transitioning in your area as far as counseling, therapy, support,etc? I don't know much about your therapist, but is the person experienced with people thinking about transitioning or who have begun the journey? In my city there is an amazing center that offers all types of things from counseling, doctor referrals to legal. Maybe there is one in your area too. In the end, the only thing that matters is that you are happy. I don't want to come off as "preachy," but there is no reason to rush into transition. People transition at all stages of life. I recently read an article by a therapist who was counseling a woman who transitioned at 70+ yrs, so it will be there when you are ready. I want to wish you the best with whatever decision you make and for you to know that there is a lot of love and support out there. KM<3

When of the things I learned early on when in sales about Bloomingdales was too always present angry/frustrated customers with a smile, sympathize with them. Currently as a moderator for one of the largest programmer forums at Microsoft for a language known as C# I deal with similar things and do the same in posting back to them. It is always better to not fight them but instead see their point and educate them. There will always be a small amount that never will see eye to eye but I think you and your mother have the right attitude and will be just fine. The sad thing is when a trans* person must contend with people in public, seldom we have the time to educate and must resort to different methods to walk away safely. I teach various forms of self-defense and always tell my students that the first thing is to ask yourself "Can I walk away from this" and combine this with "Should I had been there is the first place". I am the same way with were I elect to write about trans issues and if a site has bashers I think "should I really be here knowing full well there are those haters here?" So instead find places such as this site and similar sites to post information as I truly have better things to do then educate haters which may not sound like a good thing but life is too short for this. Any ways thanks for sharing your thoughts and wish you all the best in your life ahead.

Yesterday in my phone conference, Monica and I got on an interesting topic. She told me about this book she read where people would see the image of themselves as the opposite gender when they looked in the mirror. Having never seen, I cannot relate to the visual aspect of that. However, I can imagine things from an auditory standpoint. Through the years, I've noticed that my inner voice sounds higher than my spoken voice. This happens quite subconsciously without me trying to make it happen. I don't even pay strict attention to it, but now and then, I become acutely aware of it. Furthermore, more often than not, I notice my voice sounds higher in my dreams. The more I think about that, the more I remember that dreams are an expression of the subconscious mind. I just thought I'd share this interesting tidbit of information. Ever since yesterday, I've been obsessing more on that, and even though I cannot get my outer voice to match the pitch of my inner voice, I have been trying to talk in a somewhat higher voice. I will never get the outer to fully match the inner, but it is fun to see how high I can go before sounding off the wall and putting myself in danger of hurting my throat. Toward the end of the conference, I tried talking a little higher pitched, and I practice that when I'm by myself.

I understand and respect people who don't believe in carrying a weapon but I like to be able to up the anty with a impact tool such as a specially made pen or flashlight. I would say a well trained person without tools/weapons and good de-escalation skills will be fine in most cases but there are times when that is not enough. If an average built man clobbers an average built female "game over" in most cases. And the nice thing here is we can (if you are in the right) use disparity of force in these situations. What I DO NOT believe is something to count on is OC or pepper-spray as this can go against you in many ways and many push OC and pepper-spray and don't get me started on tasers.

So recently I moved from the smaller dilator to the medium dilator, first time was painful the whole time but got a little better each time yet was still painful. Tonight I just finished and very happy that there was almost no pain. If things progress as they have been I should be good by say Sunday. Any ways the purpose of this entry is too tell others who will go down this path is that in the beginning it is no picnic but does get better. eek not looking forward to the larger one :(

Karen, I would LOVE to take your class, as I don't believe in carrying any kind of weapons!

Ok. So the light bulb finally "went on" today at the second friday support group. A question was asked what was the event that indicated that you needed to transition. Well for me, that hasn't really happened yet (or maybe it has). But I mentioned a little bit about my history; that this was not put upon me by society, it has always been there since I remember. That initially I repressed it, but the last 15 years or so, I've wrapped my identity up in my career and family. It did not seem like I was repressing anything. When my business failed, when I stopped being so career oriented, that is when I started having a crisis with anxiety. And started going to therapy. So that was my answer. And after I spoke those words I realized how much I have f-cked myself up. When I was 6 years old and started to repress my feelings, that is when it started. I did whatever I could to fit in, act male, etc. Don't get me wrong. If I could have lived as a female, I would have been a tomboy who would have played sports with the boys and would not have played dolls with the girls. (don't get me wrong. I liked playing with the girls and socializing with them. Games, TV, reading, just not dolls). However, I would have been feminine, wearing dresses, long hair, etc. It seems like a dichotomy of existence. But think of a top female athlete who is extremely feminine but grew up learning their sport playing with the guys ... that would have been me. Anyways, I started to realize that I will need to unravel all of this social conditioning that society has put on me AND what I've put on myself. I have to unf-ck myself. If I don't do it correctly, I'll just be acting like a female, like I acted being a male. I don't want to pretend anymore. But the reality is, I don't know really what it is to be female, because I missed out on growing up female and pretending to be male. So, deep down, I knew all of this. What I did not know is that because society put this on me, I need to look back and understand how I got off track. Just quickly reflecting, it was when I was 6 years old. But what I need to understand is what is critical that I missed and how I can overcome that in a way that I can transition to living female and do it in a way that it is not an act. I've already made that mistake already. And quite possibly, I may make it again. In previous posts, I've always said that I thought that I was self-aware person and that this crisis really surprised me. Well, I feel like I'm starting to really figure this out. I just hope and pray that I can use this knowledge going forward. Anyways, any feed back will be appreciated. I hope everyone is doing well. I hope I have not put a lot on you!! Love, -Lisa

Don't let them scare you too much but look at things I wrote about and understand they do happen so knowing so ahead of time should make it easier.

Dear Lisa, Of course, you have not "put a lot" on me or anyone here. I felt what you wrote is very reasonable and understandable. I feel like I'm also new to this but here's my opinion. "Understanding" our trans-gender (intentional hyphen) is very personal. There is no objective test that I'm aware of. For whatever reason and that may not really matter, we don't feel "right." With the right therapists and support such as here and in groups we can explore ourselves further and figure it out. The unfortunate truth is that at bottom we have to be the ones to make our choices, such as where we are or need to be under the TG umbrella, living full or part time as a Transwoman, transition or not, etc. So, I think it's terrific that you had this epiphany. As hard as I know it can be to wrestle with these emotions and anxieties I am not sure there is another way. Maybe that's the bad news, if you will. The good news is that you have this awareness. You have reached out here and elsewhere. You are exploring yourself. You are courageously figuring out who you are. There is no wrong answer! That is a truth and a beauty that I think we must hold on to. However and wherever you go is perfect. I often wish I'd been born a girl and I still wish that. That said, though, I was not, and for me I'm thinking these days (and I may change!) that that's okay. If I can learn to be and accept myself for who I am, and depend less on what others think of me, maybe I'll be fine just the way I am. I do like pretty things and I know I'm much more emotional and feeling that stereotypical men. But that makes me, me. I'm not sure I made much sense here, but I hope so. Of courselves your journey may be much different than mine. I just wanted to show you that you are not alone. Be well, Lisa, and keep writing. Hugs, Emma

Karen, I have been reading your posts. And they are wonderful!! They scare me tremendously, but are wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing such personal information. -LIsa

Yes I am dealing with a lot. Today I solved the problem by shopping at Macy's and Victoria's Secrets :-)

Well you have had quite a shock to the system, physical and emotional. Sounds like your healing and dealing!!!! All the best wishes Karen. Thank You for telling us about your experience. Hugs Veronica

Thank you Karen. I hope to hear more from you about your post srs experiences:) KM

There are four that can be used but Marci skips the first one which is from my understanding very narrow in diameter and would guess it is only for those who have a small vagina. During my after surgery visit they showed me how to use the dilators and started with the middle one which went in 6.5 inches and was a tad sore. I then used the first one for a week then transitioned to the middle one which was painful so next time I used the small one for five minutes, not as bad but still hurt. Then after two days I was perfectly fine with the middle one. I am going to start the largest one sometime next week, it is very large in diameter and not looking forward to it but must be done if I ever want to be penetrated which I do want to experience but I am more into women so I am not so concerned. Bottom line is you must dilate three times a day for three months then two times a day till 12 months then thereafter once a day for the rest of my life.

I never had any issues with anesthesia. Was under for about 5 to 6 hours. I've had major surgery before and did take naps on that one too several years ago now that I think about it. Everyday is better than the day before so I am thinking all should be well soon. The important thing here is they say six weeks for a full recovery.

Excellent blog, I don't come across haters very often, but when I do, I must remember and quote your phrase, "I hope that you find peace and happiness in life. If you do, you won't feel the need to harm others or want them to feel bad about themselves." A real dinosaur killer!

I will fully transition after graduation. I understand that there are four dilators, increasing in size. This is kind of scaring me a little

I made a new contact on twitter the other day, her name is Susan (not her real name). After a few tweets we e-mailed and then a day or so later had a phone conversation. Getting to the point she said she was a self-employed Management Consultant. When she came out of the wardrobe (Tranny Closet? ) to her customers she was assured thaty it wouldn't change anything, and she was congratulated etc., etc. She then found that 70 odd percent of her customers went elsewhere.........She's getting by, doing menial jobs that she's overqualified for, but she obviously didn't fit in with British business culture as a Trans Woman. Now I've got pretty left of centre political views (middle of the spectrum Labour Party) and I'm a member of LGBT Labour, an organisation that advices the Labour Party on LGBT issues. So you might guess that I'm pretty disgusted with what happened to Susan. I've been invited along to another LGBT meeting In Redditch (to the south of Birmingham 15 miles or so), it's a group that is in it's infancy and another Trans Friend and myself will be the only Trans people attending. I thought it'd be good to put a slide show together with Keynote showing the issues and thoughts that we have whilst transitioning. So I put a few photo's showing the stages of feminisation that I've been through amongst the slides of bullet pointed text. One of the photo's showed myself with another friend who is still very part-time, luckily I asked her if she was comfortable with a picture of her in the presentation. Where and whom willl it be shown to she asked, when I told her Redditch (her home town) she started to make non commital noises, she was obviously uncomfortable with the idea. She was actually afraid the company she works for might somehow find out about her, and make life difficult for her, I thought yes look what has happened to Susan. Part of the problem is that she works for a company that has been split up, bought and sold 3-4 times over. Staff are not really valued by those who have ultimate control over companies, and it only takes a customer whom my friend might be sent to, to complain about sending someone who cross-dresses. Faced with this, the easy thing for the company to do would be to fire her, or victimise her to the degree that she went off sick with stress, and they could eventually get rid of her on medical grounds. I've blurred her face out so that it can't happen, but I thought that it was, in this case, going to be a good example of the fears that a Trans person has to show others, when coming out or being found out, which can easily turn into paranoia. I remember it myself. Luckily I work for local government, who are upholders of Equality........ I don't know if you have the equivilent to our Equality Act in the US, but even though we have it here in the UK, it doesn't stop discrimination, by the unscrupulous rich companies who often fund the political parties. Eve x

Especially early in life, it is difficult to tell tomboys, butch Lesbians and transmen apart. This demands that parents and other caring individuals develop strong observational skills and to learn all they can about parenting. Parents and other caring adults, such as aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles, grandparents, teachers, and coaches help the child build a foundation that will serve the child for the rest of his or her life. The tomboy cycles rapidly between male and female energies and behaviors. She does not feel acute stress when an occasion calls for feminine attire/behavior, such as wearing an Easter dress on Easter,etc. The tomboy is often heterosexual and grows out of it, sometimes as late as high school or college. She may have a boy's nickname, sometimes only at playtime, or when playing sports. Often a tomboy does this in an effort to gain male privilege. Occasionally the tomboy grows up to be a butch Lesbian. The butch Lesbian may have been a tomboy earlier and acknowledges feeling "different," or a romantic attraction to girls (crushes) at an early age (often age four or even earlier), but these feelings become stronger during puberty and often she becomes more masculine as she ages. However, she never hates being a woman, even though she may dress and act very masculine, and does not seek gender reassignment. The butch Lesbian may be able to stop homosexual BEHAVIOR, but the desire is always there. They have been known to marry and have children, due to family and societal pressure.Often she seeks the company of heterosexual men as friends and work mates, but dislike other butch Lesbians, with whom she sees as competition for the attention of feminine Lesbians. Obviously, she seeks romantic relationships with feminine Lesbians. Butch Lesbians are NOT about gender but about SEXUAL ORIENTATION. The transman, like the butch Lesbian, and the tomboy, feels "different" at an early age, age four, and sometimes earlier. The transman adamantly demands to dress in boy's clothing, have a boy's name (not a nickname!) and questions why his body does not look like a boy's. A transman is ALL ABOUT gender, BUT can be ANY sexual orientation in relation to his TRUE GENDER, the gender he identifies as being (internal gender). A heterosexual transman may have mistook himself as a butch Lesbian prior to learning about the concept of transgender. During this time he may have had trouble "connecting" with the Lesbian community. A note to parents: On the surface, the behaviors of a future tomboy, butch Lesbian and transman are remarkably similar. One must become familiar with your children and develop excellent observational skills, especially at playtime, when a child feels most free to be themselves. One wants to support your child into becoming an healthy adult, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, without inadvertently encouraging a child to become something they are not. Being a parent is the hardest and most important job you will ever do, but will also be the most satisfying.

The myth of Activist Judges As somebody who gets 100% of their entertainment from online sources, I also get 100% of my news from online sources. One source of news I use is Yahoo.com, which features some of the most diverse and progressive articles written on a mainstream web news source. The comments section of these news articles, however, seems to be made up of some of the most staunch neo-conservative and fundamentalist christian people on the internet outside of forums dedicated to those political/religious affiliations. While homosexual marriage seems limited to homosexual rights, Transgendered people are caught in the crossfire because many states that have denied marriage to homosexuals have also denied marriage to transgenders and transsexuals. Within the last week, a Judge in Florida issued a ruling that essentially annulled the anti-homosexual marriage law passed in Florida sometime in 2008. This judge issued his ruling with the statement, "The preliminary injunction now in effect thus does not require the clerk to issue licenses to other applicants, but as set out in the order that announced issuance of the preliminary injunction, the Constitution requires the clerk to issue such licenses." This judge is essentially saying it is not the injunction that is requiring the state to issue gay marriage licenses, it is the US Constitution that places this requirement on the states, and that the injunction is just an order by the courts to the state of Florida to follow the Constitution's provisions. The article written for Yahoo! News can be found here: http://news.yahoo.com/federal-judge-allows-gay-marriages-begin-across-florida-225319224.html If one is to scroll down to the comments section, the tone towards homosexuals flips a switch. Here is a small selection of comments from that section: "This is just plain wrong and I’m confident is sharing that none of us Christians like this federal judge making decision for us Christians down here in the south." "One of the biggest moral mistakes in human history is to have same gender individuals believe they can marry. Genesis 2: 24 Same gender unions lack the tools to have or demonstrate proper relations.........." "Does the 14th amendment cover father son marriage? See how the liberals havent covered all their lies. Never was gay so called marriage ever thought a right denied. And just as the 14th amendment DOESNT cover father son marriage, NEITHER does it over gay so called marriage. " These fundamentalist christian comments are common in the Yahoo! news comments section. However, when it comes to articles written when a federal judge issues an injunction within a state to respect the constitutionally guaranteed right to equal marriage rights, there is one comment that pops up every time: "The people voted and spoke, and did so very wisely. Then another activist judge, with no understanding of The Law or our US Constitution comes along to be a spotlight whore." These types of comments are common on homosexual marriage injunction articles, and not just on Yahoo! News articles, but all over the internet. Lets take a moment to examine the claim that judges that place injunctions on states to respect homosexual marriages, and by extension transgendered marriages, are activist judges. First we must dissect the term Activist Judge. While such a term has yet to be defined in a denotative way, it is obvious Activist Judge implies that an activist judge is using his/her power as a judge to push his/her own political or social agenda. There are, obviously, many problems with this label. The first problem is that this name calling ignores the Supreme Court's decision on homosexual marriage, in specific its ruling on the Defense of Marriage Act (Love that name by the way; it implies that homosexuals are some how attacking marriage by wanting to get married). If you happen to be out of the loop on that, SCOTUS ruled 5 to 4 (divided across party lines, obviously) that the Defense of Marriage Act was an unconstitutional law. Those who call federal judges who place injunctions on states Activist Judges are ignoring the Precedent system the courts use. In america, all federal courts are actually assistant courts to the Supreme Court (see the origins of lower courts during America's early history), which means that any rulings the Supreme Court makes are precedents for the affiliated lower federal courts. If you are unfamiliar with precedents, precedents are simply a system in which lower courts are expected to maintain consistency with higher courts by taking previous rulings as preceding rulings to the challenge at hand. If, for example, the Supreme Court rules that laws limiting speed limits to 50mph are unconstitutional, the Supreme Court is also implying that its lower courts hold that ruling as a precedent to further challenges to speed limit laws. This would mean any time a lower federal court receives a challenge to speed limit laws after that ruling, they are expected to respect the Supreme Court ruling as a preceding ruling and must rule in favor of the precedent or push the challenge up to the Supreme Court. In the situation of homosexual marriage, SCOTUS' decision on the Defense of Marriage Act serves as a precedent for challenges to state level homosexual marriage bans, essentially requiring state level judges to rule in favor of homosexual marriage under the precedent of SCOTUS' ruling on DOMA. Even if a judge believes a state ban on homosexual marriage is somehow constitutional, their hands are tied by the precedent of SCOTUS' ruling on DOMA. A federal state judge must rule in favor of homosexual marriage. So far, the best thing a federal judge has been able to do for anti-homosexual marriage proponents addressing challenges to their state-level bans on homosexual marriage was to push the challenge to the Supreme Court to get a direct ruling on whether or not states are required to follow the ruling on DOMA as a generic ruling on homosexual marriage bans. However, as a side note, since SCOTUS has refused to revoke marriage licenses that homosexuals have as they move from a state that allows homosexual marriage to one that does not, it is my personal opinion that when that challenge hits SCOTUS they will quickly rule that states must respect the constitutionally guaranteed right to equal marriage rights. In addition to ignoring the precedent system, the assertion that judges that rule in favor of homosexual marriage are activist judges is a misnomer. While I recognize there may be specific, rare incidents of judges ruling outside the law to serve their own political agenda, this is not the case on homosexual marriage rulings. In this case, a precedent is in place which implies the right to homosexual marriage is a constitutionally guaranteed right. The point is ALL judges are activist judges; all judges are attempting to push a singular political opinion: The Constitution is the highest law in the land. All judges are activist judges pushing for the constitution, and that is not only their job, it is what the constitution says is SCOTUS' only purpose, and by extension the only purpose of its lower courts. -By Taylor Cogdill Amare atque Pace, Semper.