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I found this site in October of last year during an extended period of confusion and frustration. Fantasies of being a woman are nothing new to me; I've been having them since I was a kid. Now they're on my mind all the time. I've thought for a long time that feeling that way might mean I'm transgender, but I always pushed those thoughts away. I convinced myself that this had to be a secret fantasy and nothing more. It was partly out of fear for what my family and friends would think of me, but for the most part, I think I knew the idea of confronting that reality would ruin the fantasy. In my mind, I can be confident and witty and beautiful. In reality, I've always struggled with low self-esteem and depression. Eventually, I found I couldn't handle obsessing over these thoughts anymore. Finding this site and talking frankly about my gender for the first time helped a great deal. The thread I started is I think I'll try moving things over to this blog. Maybe I'll post more frequently. I'm hopeful that things will start to improve. I haven't been feeling quite so miserable lately. Just knowing that my identity is starting to make sense has lifted my spirits a bit, even though I'm still living the same life as always. I find that I still see myself in my head as being male, but when I realize that, the thought doesn't feel right. I don't feel like I am a woman - I don't even know what that would feel like - but I know I want to be a woman. Maybe for now, that's enough to at least start to fill the hole in my identity.

I was just reading Emmasweet’s latest blog post and realized how fortunate I am to have found this safe haven unlike no other on the web. Not to leave anyone out but Monica, Emma, UsernameOptional and Lori are wonderful people and if you have not looked at other sites this one is the best. Way too many focus on one or two high level topics of interest unlike this one. Well this entry was not meant to win any awards, just wanted to put this out there

In my past career when we said that we were “falling on my sword” we meant that – typically in front of a customer – we were admitting that our company or product was at fault. We were being transparent, vulnerable, admitting we were in the wrong and hopefully the customer would thus react with less drama and instead collaborate on working around or developing a solution to the problem. This blog post feels like that to me, thus its title. Of late I’ve been reading “Crossdressing With Dignity: The Case for Transcending Gender Lines” by Dr. Peggy Rudd, who previously wrote “My Husband Wears My Clothes.” She is a psychologist who happens to have a transgender husband, and because of this developed a personal and professional understanding of what it means to be transgender for the individual and for the family. The basis for the book is that crossdresser/transgender people are not wrong or bad although society may cast them in this light. Perhaps worse, these transwomen tend to be their own worst critic because of internalized shame, guilt, and fear. Carrying that load is sensed by others around us and often reflected back, confirming those cruel assumptions and beliefs. I’ve sensed this off and on throughout my life. I know that I am too dependent on external feedback and opinions. Who cares what they think! I’m my own person, right? And I can stand on my own feet. Oh yeah, sure. At times like this I find that easy to say and darned hard to believe. Below are some quotes from the book and some corresponding thoughts. Perhaps through this I (and you?) will make some progress. “In our society men are taught from an early age that they must never be like girls. Because of the awareness or knowledge, you may fail to accept crossdressing as a part of your personality. There is that subconscious rule that says you are doing something wrong.” – Roger Peo, PhD. I think I was happiest before around age 4 or 5 before I realized that part of the way I was, how I liked to play, was sissy and wrong. I was often reminded of this by neighborhood boys whom I desperately wanted to be friends with but who seemed to delight in tearing me apart with their ridicule. “The search for normalcy is a very strong motivator. Each person wants to find love, and sometimes they are willing to absorb guilt rather than lose love.” I’ve always longed for normalcy, wondered why I wasn’t, and am often hyperaware of how I believe others think of me. And indeed, closeting my shame and feelings from my wife, friends, and associates to protect what feels like such tenuous love and caring. “The guilt related to the erotic nature of crossdressing is a major concern for many.” Guilt and shame, not only from within and from my wife, but also worried that it will rain down on me from the transgender community as it seems that the fetish aspect of crossdressing is one of the shameful secrets that we don’t talk about. So here’s a major hara-kiri (seppuku) confession: I do have some fantasy and erotic feelings about crossdressing. Whatcha think about that? Not always, but it can be pretty thrilling. “Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” – Frederick Wilcox Okay, that saying makes sense of course. It’s easy to say as it kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? And yeah, I have come out to my wife over the past few months and to this day I don’t know if I did the right thing. You call that progress? Okay, enough of the downers. Here’s a couple of quotes showing what we’re aiming for: “When you can think of yesterday without regret, and tomorrow without fear, you have found true dignity.” “The key to having a rich and full life is self-acceptance, a virtue found only within.” So, how to get there? Dr. Rudd includes lists of steps from a variety of people who responded to her research questionnaire. Here’s one that I liked. Remember to have a sense of humor. Learn to be in touch with whom you are. Start believing you have the freedom to express the total personality. Share your guilt and fears with someone you trust. Be a good listener when other people share their feelings with you. Remember there are other people out there with similar problems. I think I need to have these tattooed on my arms for handy reference. Be well, Emma

Emma, You have expressed thoughts, fears, emotions that I too have had. Yesterday my new UK passport arrived, whilst I was thrilled to be Eve and have F printed for gender, I was none-the-less tinged with slight feelings of remorse and trepidation for the future, I hadn't had those feelings for the previous 3 months.....Trepidation, yes worrying about others reacting to me (mostly unfounded), remorse probably the final farewell to Steve.

Have you considered counseling? Possibly through an LGBT center in your area? I've heard from a lot of people that are feeling the same as you are now. You are far from alone. Unfortunately, the stigma of being transgender or even somewhere along the spectrum, makes people afraid to talk about it and leads to feelings of isolation. Writing about what you are going through can be therapeutic too:) There really is a lot of support out there. Keep us posted and good luck:) KML

I agree Karen. I have tried many other sites, social, forums, chat rooms, etc. I never felt like I fit in on any of them them. Rarely were actual issues and experiences discussed, it was usually small talk or people asking if you want to snap chat. TGGuide is different.

Dear Karen, Thank you for your kind words, and I agree with you one hundred percent about TG Guide. Before finding TGG I found other sites that just didn't do it for me. I really love the diversity we have here, with MTF and FTM people, and all colors of the transgender rainbow. I'm so thankful and like you, honored to be a part of it. Hugs, Emma

You have handled things very well in my opinion. I think you will continue to get a good reception based on your approach. A person would have to be an ass to respond unkindly. I think this is where you will find out who your friends really are. Based on my own experience, I suspect you will see that some old friends simply drift away. Others will become closer because of this experience. You may also be pleasantly surprised to see some people, who had seemed indifferent, step up to support you.

What you are going through is commonplace for someone who is unsure of their gender identity and are not alone by any means. The first step to validate or invalidate your gender is to seek out professional assistance as option one while support groups are great they are in my opinion option two as it’s a roll of the dice to whom provides information which may or may not be a professional. Our first instinct is to bury thoughts of being in the wrong body for what are brains perceive as the opposite to what we are physically. This may or may not help but in only for a moment in time and as we age the urges become stronger if there is that chemical imbalance that is the root of the feelings. There are five levels of transgender which starts off with sexual fantasy on one end of the spectrum while on the other end, the undeniable drive to transition physically. Between these two are varying levels of the two ends. A professional can guide you to the most appropriate level and possible remedies to satisfy those feelings swirling through your brain. To bury and ignore these feelings in my opinion can lead to an unhealthy and painful existence in most cases while validation is the first step to freedom Any ways writing out your thoughts is a great step forward.

Does my heart good to hear this because it wasn't always clear what direction to go. Like the greater society, I believe our diversity is our strength. I am so happy that some find something meaningful here. Thank you for the kind words Karen. :)

Hi Eve, Congratulations on your new passport! My, that must be thrilling. What an achievement and important milestone. I'm happy to hear that you (and others here) feel an emotional connection to this post. I was a bit anxious to write it and to click the publish button. I think your thoughts now are like those any of us feel when we cross a threshold. Like graduation, we wonder and fret (at least a bit) about what the future will bring. Remember what got you here, what led you to your achievement. And continue your wonderful journey. I'm excited for you! Emma

Dear Rae, I agree with Kristi, your confusion, dismay, and worries are all very familiar. I don't mean to minimize but to let you know that you're far from alone. I am glad to have met you here, to read your writings, and hope to read much more from you. I also agree that counseling can be very helpful. That said, it was and is hard at times for me and maybe like you to open up about what's really happening below the surface. Please try to be as open and vulnerable as you can. Therapists are here trying to help us. Some are better than others, and we connect with some better than others too. But until we open our heart we cannot really know. I wish you the very best, Rae, I mean that. Hugs, Emma

Great post Emma:) I liked the 6 steps too. They should be memorized and repeated everyday!

I was contemplating on what I should do for Facebook, create a new account or change the current male one so I created a new one but then thought that this is going to be tough getting friends over to the new account and stopped after creating the new female account last week. While surfing through my male account yesterday I decided to delete the new female account and change the male account to female via gender option then changed from my male name to my female name. Walked away and upon coming back a while later had several people had messaged me, some saw it coming while others did not but so far all are supportive of the change which includes former girlfriends. One thing I have been monitoring is friend count, see if any unfriend me but so far none have which I am thankful for. If any do unfriend me that is their choice which I respect but also realize they were never my friend in the first place. Anyways one of my things is not to simply accept people as friends for the heck of it like some do, instead I only allow those whom I think will be friends, are fellow instructors and/or have common interest. There is one woman I met on My Space, always wanted to date her, in my eyes she is simply hot which does not mean the best looking woman out there, instead I am simply attracted to her and let her know that. We never met but over time became friends in a different way and then when moving to Facebook she friended me. I was pleasantly surprised to find her as one of the first friends to like my note that I was now female, gave me a warm feeling. Another woman whom I feel that we have met in other lives (and she actually was the one who brought this up) and dated also made it known we will always be friends. Funny thing about her while in bed together after making love she says (don't remember the exact words as this was back in 2006) "In a former existence I was the male and you were the female, married and very happy" and thought that was interesting that she firmly believed I was female before. About six months ago I told her I wanted to chat with her over the phone. She gave me her phone number (saying in case you don't have it anymore, which I did) and said give me a call tomorrow. I called her, we chatted for awhile then told her what was going on. There was a slight pause then she came back and said, I will kill you if you look better than me and then said, well we should go out shopping sometime. Talked for about an hour and felt really good that we could do this. I did get a few messages from various friends that had many questions which I am still need to reply too as there were many but all positive. Two of the people who congratulated me are national figures in the world of teaching self-defense and actually was surprised that one did message me while the other one I had no doubt. Looking back several months I would had never guessed this announcement would had been so positive and happy it has gone well.

Good for you, Karen! I'll bet you're feeling very good; you deserve all of those feelings. We all wish you the very best.

My first thought was, let's give this a week or two and see who drops off my friend list or don't hear from again.

That's really nice Karen, I'm glad it went well for you. People can be very surprising and pleasantly do things that you wouldn't have expected them to do.........

When I was younger, I was happy to find that some guys are attracted to transgender girls. After all, there are guys that like cis girls, guys that like guys, etc, so I just reasoned that it's just as natural for some guys to like transgender girls. I've had my crushes throughout school just like anyone else does. I thought how nice it would be if someone felt the same way about me. One of my friends told me "there's somebody for everybody, right?" She didn't realize that many things are more complicated for #girlslikeus. It didn't take me long to realize that many of the guys that I seemed to attract were different somehow. Not all, but most didn't seem to be interested in me as a person or really want to get to know me as a person. I sadly started to realize that these particular guys weren't seeing me as a romantic partner, not a girl to take ice skating, dance with, watch movies together, spend quite time side by side on the couch with, or exchange Valentine's cards with. I was fairly young when I started hearing from older girlfriends about how transgender women are seen as fetish objects to a lot of men. I already knew that woman are often objectified as sex objects and thought it was the same thing, sort of. I told myself that was just a few creeps, so just stay away from them...not a big deal. The right boy will come along. I later came to see these creeps as predators. They will tell you what you want to hear and treat you just good enough to get what they think they're going to get. This threatens me, my womanhood, my self worth as a human being. I still think he is out there, but after years of contact with guys....ones that swear they just want love, a relationship, a soul mate, only for them to turn out to be one of "those." I am letting some bad experiences influence my interaction with guys that I meet. Without even knowing them, I often judge them as one of the creeps. I have dated a couple (exactly three) amazing guys, two in highschool and one after starting college, so my dreams are still alive. However, years of interaction with the predators, in person, on social sites, forums and chat rooms have gotten to me, not that I would ever meet anyone from online. Not a chance. It's just the idea...the reality of it all. This is one of the reasons that I am here on TGGuide, which has been a very positive experience for me. I feel like here, I can discuss issues, interact with other girls, and talk about my feelings and experiences without someone asking me for pictures in my underwear. Yay! The "fetish" aspect is one of the complications of dating for #girlslikeus, but there are others. It's not the most heartbreaking. The social stigma attached to dating a girl that was born (and especially if she still is) anatomically male is another big thing. It's a lot of pressure for guys, no matter how good their intentions. I have lost a couple good relationships to their fear of what people will think and that is what probably stops some nice guys from approaching us in the first place. I will fully transition when I graduate from college. I don't want to give the wrong impression, I'm not doing it to find love and a husband. I need to do this for me, no one else and it is what I've been moving toward my whole life. I do think though, that the chances of romantic happiness and love are better for those that have fully transitioned. Post op women do get married and are living the dream. Janet Mock has an amazing guy and will soon be married as many other have. So, i'm interested in what others think on the subject, and you're experiences are with dating and love. Do you think it's likely to find love as a transwoman? What have your experiences been with men? Are so many men as just creepy as I think they are? I'm also curious to hear from those that Identify as "trans-lesbians." I sometimes think that it would be easier to be attracted to girls. It's hard to see cis-women as being the kind of creepy that some men are,or as likely to fetishize and, devalue another person, or as worried of what people would think of them. Thanks for reading <3 KM

Lori, when you have time it would be a good idea to discuss a self-defense training CD as I don't have any of the equipment to do this. By no means am I camera shy and would love to get this information out to our community.

We all come from different backgrounds. Absolutely no disrespect intended for anyone... I believe the LGBT community should be armed and well trained to defend themselves in so far as they are able to do so legally, are mentally capable and are willing to accept the responsibilities of doing so. Great to see you getting back into training Karen! I have a feeling you're going to find that you're more successful now than ever before! I really like Monica's suggestion about the self defense training DVD set. Perhaps we should talk about that sometime Karen. I have facilities and video equipment.

I got asked to write to write Trans Articles for Redditch LGBT on Friday, I had already got 2 presentations on coming out and my journey from cross dresser to Trans Woman so I altered them a little and sent them off, hopefully they'll be posted soon. Redditch LGBT is in it's infancy, it's aims are to promote that not every one is straight white heterosexual & for people to get over the fact. Also it wants to promote a LGBT friendly area within Redditch, which is sadly missing presently except for Cafe Mambo, at the moment LGBT people mostly go to Birmingham. Par for the course, it's been started by a local Labour Councillor, whom I met and had a long chat with. My Wife and I had a day out on Saturday, she's very keen on victorian history, and is part way through writing a novel set in that period, so we visited 3 museums in Worcestershire. No one read me as far as I could tell (Schodinger's pass again!), and we both enjoyed the exhibits. In one of the museums, there are exhibits of Worcestershire regiments through the ages to the present day. One area was dedicated to the first world war, there are a collection of government posters urging men to join the army, for glory and heroism etc., alongside was an exhibit telling of soldiers sentenced to death by firing squad for cowardice etc., when in fact they were shell shocked. It bought it home to me how little has changed, with goverment propaganda, and how hypocrisy is still rife amongst politicians. However recently there has been a serving Captain in the British Army who has Transgendered whilst serving, here's the link to a video made by her and a private; http://www.allaboutt...re-experiences/ Anyway whilst it show's the fantastic progress being made in some areas of UK life, it's important to realise that this progress has largely come about due to the previous Labour governments commitment to the Equality act which in turn originated from EU Equal Treatment Directives. Whilst the present government has done little to further promote equality, other that to state that it promotes Trans people being integrated into society, but other than the bland statement, there is no evidence of anything having been done. I guess it's not in their true interests. I have been sent a document about the Transgendering process here in the UK, I have sent it to two people within Transgender Guide, one of whom didn't answer. The other said I should provide a link to it on my blog. However I must warn you that there is bad language in it, so if you're a delicate little thing or easily offended, please don't read it. It doesn't exactly mirror my experience with Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic, which has been mostly positive, but having said that, it is funny and it pokes fun at the system. It appears that the upload file size has been reduced and I can no longer upload the file, so here's the link to it; http://bytenoise.co....ra-and-hope.pdf Perhaps a similar document might be put together by a member about the US system? That's all for now, Eve x

Thanks Emma, After reading your latest blog, I realise that we have had a lot of similar experiences, this also helps me to get on with my life. Peck on the cheek! Eve.

Great advice for anybody about anything!

Hi Eve, Good to hear your update, writing articles, out and about with your wife (and more Schrodinger's Passes!), and thank you for posting the links to the video and the TG process in the UK. In my opinion the "bad language" is quite minimal and the overall document has a lot of value. It always helps me to hear about other's experiences and to recognize that we're part of a community of wonderful people. Hugs, Emma

Thanks for sharing Emma, lots of wisdom here.

You seem to have a remarkable constitution Karen. best of luck and have fun ! :)

Well we call these "creeps" Tranny Chasers here in the UK. I can't ever imagine doing sex with a man, it quite frankly turns me off! I can't see what my wife saw in me as a man before we married. It's only since I have transgendered that I have come to think this way. When I went to the gender clinic I asked to become a lesbian! Women are more gentle and loving and frankly amazing! That of course includes trans Women.

Karen, I'm not surprised that you got many hits from guys. You are a beautiful women. I am curious if you have ever felt like you have been fetishized by a woman. I would think that it's possible, but not as likely as with men. Thank you for your input:) KM

Class went extremely well and have been invited back to teach again next month. Several of the students indicated they were sure there would be bruising tomorrow on their arms. I mention this because it happens in every class, hit your partner time and time again over four hours and it is bound to happen. I was mindful of my condition so only did a few techniques that took someone down to the ground and said I would show that in the next class when I have recovered fully.

So True.

I am into females but last week decided to see what interest there was for a post-op on Match dating service. Thought that there would be zero hits especially when the first line in my introduction said "To start off, I was born a male and just made the transition to female through surgery". Did not check for hit until three days later and had about 20 'likes', 'winks' and email messages. I could not reply as I am a free member thinking way pay 14.99 per month when there would be no hits. Well I'd say about three quarters appeared (but sure) to be after the fetish thing. Guess I will never know because I am not really into men. So my feeling is many are into it for the fetish. Think I will stick with females and have no doubt that I will find someone as there are already females who have expressed interest in me.

Thank you so much Monica:))) I will check that out and will never give up. <3 KM

Karen, may I suggest that you create a DVD set for those that can not attend your classes . . .

Am a cisgender (born female) Lesbian, and was very happily involved with a transwoman who identified as a Lesbian for ten years. Frankly, I am sick of the politics of the cisgender Lesbian community and prefer transwoman Lesbians. Recommend exploring http://www.TGPersonals.com, as I feel it is one of the most wholesome transgender dating websites. Just a warning, though, you will find a few creeps in even the best Internet dating websites. Don't give up!

Yesterday in my phone conference, Monica and I got on an interesting topic. She told me about this book she read where people would see the image of themselves as the opposite gender when they looked in the mirror. Having never seen, I cannot relate to the visual aspect of that. However, I can imagine things from an auditory standpoint. Through the years, I've noticed that my inner voice sounds higher than my spoken voice. This happens quite subconsciously without me trying to make it happen. I don't even pay strict attention to it, but now and then, I become acutely aware of it. Furthermore, more often than not, I notice my voice sounds higher in my dreams. The more I think about that, the more I remember that dreams are an expression of the subconscious mind. I just thought I'd share this interesting tidbit of information. Ever since yesterday, I've been obsessing more on that, and even though I cannot get my outer voice to match the pitch of my inner voice, I have been trying to talk in a somewhat higher voice. I will never get the outer to fully match the inner, but it is fun to see how high I can go before sounding off the wall and putting myself in danger of hurting my throat. Toward the end of the conference, I tried talking a little higher pitched, and I practice that when I'm by myself.

Just to clarify . . . am reading a fascinating book, "Community In Transition," and the body map is how a transgender person sees how they look, even before transitioning. This concept is similar to how a person missing a limb can sense where their toes or fingers are, even though they are not there. The writer explained that the same place in the brain controls "false limbs" as well as the look and sensation of the perceived body of the transgender person. Would love to see more research into this!

Jennifer, this is an interesting topic. I don't know how much you've looked into this or have practiced. You may know more about it than I do. I've read that everyone's voice can deepen somewhat as they age, so it is something that I am concerned about and I try to do voice exercises as much as possible. Some of the exercises are fun too...like singing:) I noticed that there are links to voice training articles and videos here on TGGuide. If you are interested, I could also share links to some of my favorites videos also. So, just in case you haven't yet taken the step to voice feminization, here are some of the basics as I know them. There are a lot of ways to feminize the voice, pitch is just one part of it. There are many things that together make a voice sound believably feminine...resonance, tone, etc. Woman also have a beautiful kind of singing voice quality and vary pitch and emphasis more within words from syllable to syllable. Basically, women talk more in their mouth and head than their throat or chest. They even move their mouths differently while speaking. I've read that it is easier for the deaf to read women's lips than men's because of this. As for seeing the opposite gender in the mirror, does that mean everyone, or transgenders? I can say that there is truth to that, at least for me. I can't say though if it was just me subconsciously focusing on characteristics that are feminine and ignoring anything that might be considered masculine or something else. Maybe I am just seeing how I want to be seen, or the way that I feel inside.

I understand and respect people who don't believe in carrying a weapon but I like to be able to up the anty with a impact tool such as a specially made pen or flashlight. I would say a well trained person without tools/weapons and good de-escalation skills will be fine in most cases but there are times when that is not enough. If an average built man clobbers an average built female "game over" in most cases. And the nice thing here is we can (if you are in the right) use disparity of force in these situations. What I DO NOT believe is something to count on is OC or pepper-spray as this can go against you in many ways and many push OC and pepper-spray and don't get me started on tasers.

Karen, I would LOVE to take your class, as I don't believe in carrying any kind of weapons!