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I have always been skinny. Rail thin. When I was growing up in a small hockey town in Canada I felt incomperably small next to the other guys. I used to wear baggy clothes and hoodies just to make myself look bigger in the hopes that anyone who thought I'd be an easy target for bullying would think twice about it - and that usually worked. I've also always been tall. When I was 12 years old I had my growth spurt which left me 6 feet tall and head and shoulders above all my friends and classmates. I didn't gain any weight at the time and after a number of fainting spells my doctors told me to stay off my feet for a while - my heart simply couldn't take what was going on. When I was in highschool I can still remember how much I weighed because any time I weighed myself I would come up with the same number. 156 lbs. After I first moved out I was in a content relationship and wasn't taking care of myself very well through film school. Over a few years eventually my girlfriend started teasing me about my "belly" which I was surprisingly self concious about! Even though secretly I did like the fact that it was fairly well distributed and even gave me a bit of curve, when I finally weighed myself I was up at 190 lbs. After we seperated my weight was a big point of self-consciousness for me - which, in hindsight, was really the least of my problems. So I started biking daily, I gave up soda and tried to start eating better. At the point where I was feeling the most confident of course was when the rest of my problems took hold and before long I was living the drugs and party lifestyle. When I finally had to look in the mirror I was not much more than skin and bones. This was also around the time I decided to transition. Conveniently I was so skinny that any clothes that I wore did most of the work in making me passable as a woman - my face has always been on the feminine side anyways. (one of my girlfriends jokes that in past pictures of me it looks like I'm a lesbian wearing a fake beard, LOL) Needless to say that I was enjoying the attention I was getting from men around that time. A friend of mine put on a Mental Asylum themed burlesque show and asked me to perform for it. I through a number of costume changes I was asked to come home with one guy before he realized I was a drag queen (- on three seperate occasions!). I continued to rollerblade almost 10 km daily to keep myself so skinny. I was down to 140 pounds. However - these days, 2 years into horomone therapy I'm getting frustrated by the polarized opinions. In particular one ex-partner who insisted I put on some weight so that my body would be more feminine. Xe insisted that if I put on 10 lbs it would go to all the right places and I would feel more confident. At that time however, I had found that being so so skinny was becoming difficult working on a movie set. I simply didn't have the strength to do the long hours and heavy lifting. I added a bit more meat to my diet and now I am at... 156 lbs. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this decision. Back when I first started my transition I even said to myself, "If I want to be a passable woman I am going to have to be a bigger woman." - I am incredibly lean for the amount of muscle on me, but still much too broad for a woman so skinny. But at the same time allowing myself to be feminine has been the first time I've ever felt comfortable, even good, being so thin! Especially knowing inside that I am able to "keep up with the boys" on set. My work mates tease me about how skinny I am but these days it doesn't bother me. If I squeeze through a tight space they'll tell me to have another donut or they'll say I "need the extra piece of dessert"when we are going through the lunch line. Other people joke that, "that's going to go strait to your hips!" with a friendly laugh - I usually reply, "I could use some more weight there!" My endocrynologist mentioned at my last appointment that he was "expecting more development at this stage" and added that, "there might be more if I was someone with more body fat," adding as well, "but you do have that 'athletic woman' look that we talked about". I want to be more comfortable in my own skin. But knowing that every woman on the planet picks and pines over their bodies makes me feel a little more at ease. When I was dating women I prefered bigger girls. Is that why I don't feel comfortable as an althetic woman? Then why won't I let myself be a bigger one? My ex-partner tells me I shoulg give it a go to see what happens and that the results are reversable. He's right. My endo also tells me my metabolism is "through the roof". I imagine it will be for at least a few more years still, being in my mid-late 20s. TL;DR - Does anyone have experience with adding weight this late into a transition? I think my main fear is that it's going to go to all the wrong places - which is silly considering that even before hormones it made me more curvy. Maybe it just feels weird that I'm self concious about how skinny I am and I feel like I should just relax? Maybe - just like before - there's more to it than that and I'm fixated on the wrong things. Maybe that scares me the most x) This felt good to get off my chest though. I'll leave you now with pictures for comparison. Here's me as I am now - and me at my heaviest.

Over the past several days, I've been coming out a little more. Back on 2-22, I told my oldest sister and her fiance. It all started when I mentioned that I feel like several people live in me and at least one of them is a girl. The only reaction I got was when my sister told me not to get the surgery, and she believes Bruce Jenner would not look good as a woman. I told her that I'm not sure where this will lead. I couldn't afford treatment, anyway, and the pain would really make a cry baby out of me. Just yesterday, I let my one friend from church hear more about it. This is the same one I told back on February 8 and I wrote about it in the first blog about spilling the beans. I let him know this is far from over, because I spent so many years trying to deny this thing, swearing up and down that I cannot be this way. My friend believes I might have to receive my sight in order for this to go away. He reassured me that I'm still part of the body of Christ. This friend dreamed, several years ago, about me receiving my sight. He strongly believes it's going to come true, someday. In the meantime, he's keeping my transgender confession between us. Any time I'm alone with him, I feel I am going to have to keep pouring this stuff out and getting it off my chest. I cannot even open up to my parents about this. It will give them more of a reason to call me a weirdo and tell me I just need to grow up. I've heard that stuff, all my life, for other reasons. Anyway, a key confession I told my friend, yesterday, is how, when it comes to needing someone to lead me to a bathroom, I prefer women to do it instead of men, never mind my biological designation as male. I am more concerned with what's between my ears and what's inside this shell of flesh and bones. The friend never criticized or warned me I will go to hell if I don't straighten up and fly right. He just listened. He's at a loss as to what to tell me other than his belief that it would have to come with divinely receiving eyesight through Jesus' healing power. I am a firm believer in miracles, and I ask God, all the time, to heal me, as I am created by Him and for Him. As long as he leaves the thorn in me, he will give me the grace to deal with it. That's especially comforting when I often have to deal with unexplainable physical discomfort I get in the manly region. Doctors haven't been able to figure out why I burn down there. I don't always empty the bladder, and that's a mystery. All they can say is I just need to learn to live with it. I told the friend of this bizarre connection between the feeling female around men, something that's been there since I was 4 or 5, and the burning sensation I've had for several years. We just leave it up to God. Only he knows what good is possibly going to come from all of this. So, as for now, I am blind and I am transgender, and there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot deliver myself. It's up to God, and if he's at all offended by the way I am, he alone will change it. It is what it is. He knows I long to be saved in the end.

I agree what would be crappy. Does your identity cards indicate female?

When my dysphoria started becoming too much to handle on my own, I confided in a trans friend. She's been extremely supportive over the last few weeks and I honestly don't think I could have even started to make peace with my feelings without her support. I'm starting to buy some clothes that I can wear when I'm alone. One of the biggest things holding me back is trying to change my thinking from "I want to be a woman" to "I am a woman." When I'm in girl mode, it's easier to make that distinction. I've talked to my friend about that and she said she had a similar experience. She asked if I wanted her to change pronouns for me. I didn't at first, but I eventually became comfortable enough. I even started changing to girl mode at her place. When I was able to look at myself in the mirror and feel like I was looking at a woman, I was excited and wanted to show her. Somehow the topic of dating came up. I've actually had a bit of a crush on her for a while now, since before we started talking about these things. It turns out she felt the same way. We've been dating for about a week now and I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. When we're alone, she refers to me as her girlfriend and uses my chosen name. She cleared all of that with me because she knows I find it difficult to think of myself as a woman, but it's not as difficult when I'm with her. She respects my boundaries and she doesn't push any issues that I'm uncomfortable with. I'm in a little bit of disbelief over all of this. I was so stressed and miserable for so long, and now I'm in a relationship with an incredible woman, I'm actually happy most of the time now, and I can see she's happy too. I don't usually like writing about my life if I'm not ending on a question or observation, but right now, I'm giving myself permission to gush a little. I'm a secret lesbian. Don't tell anyone.

If I was to define myself, then I, too, would be a trans-lesbian, having a close friendship that has become important and central to me at this time in my life. And I am happy for every one.

It's a wonderful day, today. My wife is away this morning on business and while I miss her I have the opportunity to be myself for a couple of hours. After my shower I dressed with some feminine underthings (well concealed by layers of more masculine apparel) and headed out to our regular Sunday haunts, the coffee shop in Palo Alto, Trader Joe's, and the farmer's market, where I picked up long-stemmed tulips, a couple of heads of lettuce, some fresh asparagus, and cauliflower. Now, I'm at my computer, having changed into my dress, and listening to a Karla Bonoff "best of" album. Life feels pretty good at the moment. Later today I'll head back out to buy some fish for tonight's dinner, and after, we'll dive back into a couple of episodes of House of Cards and a rather large bowl of popcorn. This week will definitely be interesting. On Wednesday evening we have a couple's meeting with my therapist. Thinking about it now I'm a bit apprehensive but I think it will be okay. Thursday afternoon I have a 1:1 meeting with the same therapist. He asked me to bring my small collection of female clothing, which I plan to do. We didn't talk about what the goal is but I assume that by doing that I'll further see through experience that I am really okay. On Thursday evening I will attend the monthly TG support group. Last week I bought some black ballet flats on Amazon which actually fit! (I did a fair amount of research into foot measurements, and took an educated guess of my size which turned out to be 11M. Here's a funny aside: I measured my left foot's length and width to determine the size; I learned later when I received the shoes that my right foot is slightly larger. It still fits okay but I'm trying to stretch it a little with a shoe tree.) For the meeting I plan on wearing some black tights under my jeans and then change into my ballet flats nearby, for the meeting and dinner afterward. They say we should take baby steps and I know by many measures these are indeed small steps. It's great to have something to look forward to. Have a nice week! Emma * Illustration from Once Upon an Alphabet by Oliver Jeffers

I started the process for my name and gender change the last week of last November which took five weeks. The gender part in short (I did write about this before) is allowed before surgery by a therapist on a special DMV list. In the month of January I did my social security card, all my credit cards, bank checks (did not arrive till after I returned from California) and PayPal account. Today the final card arrived, my insurance card. Wish I had this card before surgery simply because there were some additional fees billed to me by the hospital because they had no insurance listed and had to make several calls to get things right. I have two doctors, one for primary care, one to assist with HRT. Two dentist, one primary and one for deep cleaning, an optometrist also. All of these needed to be updated. Oh, my electrolysis and hair stylist. Those all were in person. Dang, one more, the electric company who wanted me to do the change at their office. The electric company closed out my current account and opened a new account. By closing the old account I got a check for $272.45 but gave that to my daughter. All in all it took just about three months to change all the documents. It could had taken longer but I was driven, when an opportunity presented itself I would take a day or half day off to do what needed to be done. Really despised weekends a lot as they slowed me down, so did two weeks in December for the holidays. If I had not been driven my guess is I would still be doing name changes. So I am 99% sure all remnants of my old make identity is gone. Soon as I hit the publish button another one will surface.

You look lovely the way you are!

I am so peed off with organisations getting my identity wrong.......... I have just received an appointment for a Pituitary MRI Scan at Redditch Hospital.....(because I had an abnormally low testosterone count in my blood) addressed to Mr Eve Ann ............. How embarrassing! I could go there and get called out as Mr ........... when I'm not anymore.........I've phoned the hospital, they've apologised, but I don't trust them to get it right. Identity change is a nightmare..................

Dear friends, It's not the first time this has happened, my bank made an even bigger cock-up,a s I blogged earlier. We don't have ID cards as such in the UK, but my driving licence, passport, and lots of other docs are Eve Ann and Female. This is just another obstacle to overcome..........The NHS is so slooooow, I'm stilll waiting for my new NHS card, although my GP (General Practitioner Dr), says my records are now Eve Ann and Female. But I'm not counting my chickens before they're hatched........... Thanks for your comments. Hugs, Eve

Dear Eve, Is there any chance you can get a cisgender woman to go to medical appointments with you? That was what I did with my beloved, and things went so much better for her! Yours truly, Monica

Oh Eve, I'm so sorry. I wasn't sure if I should click the "Like This" button because of course I do not like what you experienced, but I selected it to show my support of you. You stood up for yourself, good for you. What else can you do, I wonder. Perhaps that's a question to ask those people if it happens again, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?" Good luck, Emma

Quick note on shoes, I had a few pairs were one was too tight on one foot and used KIWI shoe stretch spray which works great.

Funny in regards to a constant weight as I was steady at between 150 and 155. In 1990 I dropped to 120LB which was great but around 1998 I developed a thyroid condition and the doctor said that the former drop in weight had something to do with the thyroid. I started gaining roughly five pounds a month and topped out at 180LB but without any belly, things were proportional. Of course the down side was moving up in size. So for the past 15 years I have been at 180LB were I never weigh myself but rely on getting weighed for my annual physical. Since GRS I have toyed with the idea of losing weight, maybe 10 or 20 pounds but is not a real concern now. Hormones have not increased my weight to for the time being all is good. BTW You look great in the first photo :-)

Dear Mikah, Women come in all shapes and sizes. One shape/size is not necessarily more feminine than the other. Am concerned that your romantic partners and friends feel so free to share their opinions about this when they should be giving you their support! Please don't give your power away! Yours truly, Monica

I agree with Karen, you look terrific. If you really want to gain weight, eat carbs, like bread, pasta, rice... All that stuff will "help" but long term it's really sugar, which may create havoc with your insulin and blood sugar. I think you're better off letting nature take its course. If you're thin, you're thin! Many would be totally envious... :-) I'm 5' 8 1/2" and am now stable and happy at 155 lbs. it's not easy but with practice it's not that hard either. We eat meat/fish/poultry with salads and veggies. Popcorn and wine for dessert. :-) in moderation of course. The most important thing is to stay healthy and exercise. Health is one of those things too easy to take for granted until it's a problem. You do look great. Enjoy it! You deserve it. Emma

Hey Karen, great advice, many thanks! I'll be sure to pick some up. Emma

Hi Eve, I know it does sound like a lot of therapists. For me there is really only one, that I see 1:1 and also for couple's meetings with my wife. The support group I attend is led by a gender therapist that I've seen 1:1 once and will probably do so again but there is no plan for it right now. I have had a lot of depression in my life and seen a lot of therapists, read a lot of books, done a lot of soul-searching, as well as various intoxicants mostly when I was younger. At the root I think is coming to terms with my transgender. I kind of needed to figure out where it came from and what it means. And overarching shame has made it difficult to dive into details with anyone, therapist or not. No, therapists here in the US do not (or at least should not) tell us how to feel or do anything. They are mostly a sounding board, a trusted mentor, and while we become friends of sorts they need to maintain a distance that allows them to be objective. When I first started to see therapists (about 30 years ago) they pretty much just listened, which sucked, because I needed someone to help draw out stuff and provide thoughts. Over the last decade (I think) this protocol has changed to where they are okay with providing commentary, which I greatly need and appreciate. Last, yes, there is a Trans place I can go about 40 minutes from my home. It's okay but I'm deciding how comfortable I feel there. I've been there a few times and I have mixed feelings. The proprietor is wonderful but some of the others? Well... Same age, huh? We could be sisters! :-) Emma

Dear All, I'm a trans - lesbian too! quite strange after being a hetro-sexual male! Other than birth reporoductive organs, I feel that pretty much all else is on a spectrum with absolute hetero-sexual male and female at either end of the spectrum, I actually doubt that many people that believe that they fit this description actually are............if only they realised it, it might be easier for us all. Reading the above comments I sincerely hope you all find what you want so much. Hugs, pecks on the cheeks, & keep positive, Eve

Yeah can definately relate to that, been there done that bought the tee shirt, read the book! It was a real pain in the ass for me, petty bureaucracies...................... still waiting for my NHS card! Hugs, Eve

Hi Emma, not sure about the amount of therapists that you are using, really not very mainstream in the UK, sort of feels like someone else telling you how you feel? I have become aware that it is common in the US though.......having said that we do have to do the psychs as part of our treatment though. Do you have a local Trans meeting place to go to? By the way we are the same age! Hugs Eve

Hi Monica, Actually I'm not complaining about my feet at all! I feel lucky that they are roughly 11M as this was the largest size listed for my shoes. Hugs, Emma

Dear Emma, Almost everyone's feet are NOT the identical size. Usually one foot is a half size larger/smaller than the other. As a cisgender (born female) woman, I have a size 11 on one foot and 11 1/2 on the other foot. Also, my hands are rather large, but not ugly. Size in itself does not determine how beautiful/ugly a body part is. Most women report some dissatisfaction with one or more of their body parts. The secret is not to dwell on it but look at the big picture! Yours truly, Monica

Oh OK, I thought that you'd of had it in the US before us. I've copied and pasted the following text from the web site link provided: Mesotherapy is a treatment that delivers nourishing substances including vitamins, amino-acids and minerals to the layers of the skin where cell repair and growth occurs. As these are all essential components for healthy skin cells, this treatment helps improve dull, tired looking, dry and lifeless skin, manages superficial wrinkles and is ideal for pre- or post-operative skin conditioning. All the substances used naturally occur in the skin but degrade as our skin becomes older and stressed. Mesotherapy replaces these naturally occurring vitamins and nutrients and skin becomes luminescent, hydrated, nourished and firmer with an improved texture. Typically, mesotherapy treatments are delivered through superficial injections done by hand or with an injection device. For sensitive areas anaesthetic cream can be used prior to the treatment to reduce pain. Side effects can include minimal bruising and swelling but ice packs can be applied to reduce these. There are very few contraindications but include a known allergy to components in the proposed mesotherapy cocktail, pregnancy, breastfeeding, keloid scarring, active infection or malignancy. TOSKANI mesotherapy is one of the most internationally recognised mesotherapy and cosmetics firms. TOSKANI mesotherapy are manufactures and suppliers. We offer a range of mesotherapy and cosmetics for both the professional and the patient to treat any aesthetic problem in the safest and most efficient way, from diagnosis to resolution.

Keep On Truckin! :)

Haha! Good for you Karen, all engines forward toward a wonderful now and future. You've earned it. Emma

Hi Rae, Like you, I'm fairly certain I'd be a lesbian, and proud of it. You're a lucky gal to have found a kindred spirit to join up with! I also share your wondering about when or if my thinking will change from "I wish I was female" to "I am, and then need to decide if or when I will transition my body to match my gender. Recently I am wondering if the gender in our brain is as binary as our sex (at least for most of us). I guess it isn't because otherwise transgender wouldn't be defined as much as an "umbrella of diversity" to a bar-chart distribution of gender/sex/sex-preference. Hope you are having a wonderful Saturday evening, Emma

I see myself slightly shorter in height in the past but then not so much. I did some image blending to see myself and think the image below matched my image of myself when done about 7 years ago