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As usual, this morning I was reading the New York Times online edition on the computer in my home office – a very interesting article titled “The Ride of Their Lives” with the following opening paragraph: “NO FAMILY DOMINATES a rodeo event the way the Wrights do saddle bronc. But rodeo is a young man's game, which is why the family patriarch works to grow his cattle herd. Rodeo and ranching may be vestiges of the Old West, yet the combination is one family's hope for future generations.” So there I was, reading the article, browsing the fantastic photos, and reading the caption to the photo shown here (a young cowboy crashed out from a hard day’s rodeo) when my wife walked in to say goodbye for the day. “What’s that?” she asked. “Oh, nothing, just an interesting article in the New York Times.” I scrolled around a bit to show her some of the other photos. We proceeded to say our farewells and I went about my recent efforts on her business’s tax preparations. About an hour later, I receive this text message: “I was upset this morning in your office seeing your email. I would like to talk to you about it tonight.” I couldn’t imagine what email she was referring to, and replied, “Which email was that?” No response. Uh oh. I wracked my brain, looked over the few emails that I had written and responded to, nothing looked particularly unusual. Then it dawned on me: the New York Times photo of the cowboy! Oh crap, once again, she’s terrified I’m GAY! Although I assure you, my Maker, my therapists, and my wife, that I am 100% heterosexual (and I really don’t care if one is or isn’t, I just am), she has been worried about this ever since I came out to her about my being transgender. Once again I have to enter Damage Control and undo what her worried mind is conjuring up. I printed out the front page of the NYT showing the article in question prominently displayed in the top center and rode my bike the 10+ miles to her shop, to show her the real source of the article as well as my sincere disclaimer about being gay. I think it all went fine except I should not have mentioned that I also enjoyed "Brokeback Mountain" for its cinema-photography, soundtrack, and heart-wrenching story. (Which I did, not for the gay-ness just because it was a terrific film.) I’ll know more in about three hours. Suffice it to provide this Important Safety Tip: Be darned careful what you are looking at on your computer when your SO is around! Yeah, something else to tattoo on my forearm.

Ah, it's me again, you're good ol' pal Warren I apologize for not having blogged lately, but I had no inspiration to want to nor the time and ambition. I miss blogging, to be honest. But I didnt feel like I had anything to talk about. Tonight I figured I'd share what I'd been up to. Well, first of all, my court date for my name change is this Monday the 16th. YAY! So excited I bought myself a nice shirt, pants, and A TIE!!! I've never worn one but I'm super excited! I'll post a picture of myself in my court gear on Monday or Tuesday, and let you know how the name change thing went. Hopefully good, wish me luck! On a side note, I've decided to go to higher HIGHER management about some problems at work. Even coworkers have told me that it isnt just my managers being d***s, but theyve turned it into discrimination against me for being transgendered. NONE of this started until I came out. I took the liberty of writting down what's been going on, so I can explain it to the company H.R. Here's what I got so far: [[[[[[[started only two days after announcing a name change and being transgendered. 1 week later, I were accused of "consistantly disappearing" during my shift, which I never did. I simply were not at my station as I were getting things ready for the next day. I were refused the opportunity to speak during the meeting with T___ and Chef H___ while they confronted me about it. While in the office looking for a paper, T__ came to me aggressively and said "I dont like your attitude. You have a serious attitude problem and it's really starting to wear on me and I'm sick of it. Any time you get an answer you dont like, you cope an attitude." Both T__ and H__ refuse to call me by my chosen name of Warren, and make a point to tell me that they do not have to unless it is legalized, which I am in the process of doing, and they are aware of that fact. T__ goes around the kitchen saying that I'm being a b**** or that I'm alway a b****, even though I had not even spoken or seen him yet, as I had not even clocked in for my shift yet. He consistantly tells everyone that I have a serious attitude problem. I were told personally by H__ that I need to tell T__, not my shift supervisor, when I go on break. Or it will be like "consistantly disappearing, and we wouldnt want to have to talk to you about that again" T__ came to me towards cleaning time and got very close to me in an aggressive manner and shouted "I'm so sick of this bull**** with you! Everyone can do their f***ing jobs except for you, and I'm tired of it! Take the f***ing soup and take care of it instead of leaving it for others to do!" I might note, by the way, that it were normal routine for me to take the soups to the other chefs to dispose of, as was what I were taught and such had not changed with my knowledge. My boyfriend were confronted by H__ and told "you can only say a quick goodbye to Kristy then leave, because you're taking up too much of her time and she needs to be working, not socializing" I got lectured for having my hat on backwards, whilest two other people did the same and did not get talked to about it. T___ made a point to follow me around the facility and wait until we were alone in a storage room before telling me I needed to fix my hat. T___ followed behind me on the front line while carrying hot foods, and repeativly said "hurry up, hurry up, lets go go go go go" while clapping his hands directly behind me. I feel like I'm being ganged up on, and it's turning into discrimination and just plain obnoxious. I have told my general manager about it who insisted he would talk to T___, and I'm not sure if he has or not, but nothing has improved. Nothing else has happened in the past few days, but it's only a matter of time.]]]]]] Honestly, I'm beyond sick of it. Not only that, but my older sister has officially decided that I am a bad influence for her children and too confusing for them, and has denied me any visitation with them, including cards and phonecalls. My mother, insisting that she's supportive when she indeed is not, does nothing to defend me on the situation and simply tells me "its her choice. You're making your choices, she is making hers" I'm sorry, but what choices am I making? I was not aware this condition were voluntary. I suppose being straight is a choice as well? She didnt like that question. The good news, is all my friends are supportive 100%. My grandfather is supportive, my coworkers (for the most part lol) and others that I know. My cousin Jacky is SUPER supportive!! My boyfriend and I have come to an agreement, and we both sat down to discuss my transition and things that he's not comfortable with. We agreed that bottom surgery is probably never going to happen, which is fine. He asked that I reconsider hormones, and I told him that after my top surgery, we will discuss it further. He didnt say anything about it, but I've decided to keep shaving my legs too He's doing a lot to accept who I am, I'm not gonna make him snuggle up to a fuzzy legged gorilla! XD All in all, same s*** different day. That's my usual motto at work. How you doing? Oh you know, same s***, different day. At least its warming up outside! Heatwave of a whole whopping 48F today, yay! Now.....mudseason....ugh. Your frustrated but excited and relieved friend, Warren

"P.S. Have fun tying the tie! They are hard to get used to, to get the lengths right. Give yourself plenty of time to repeat it until it's just right!" --Emma Work on it well advance of the day you need it. When you get the knot and the length just right... loosen it, slip it over your head, then drape it over a hanger and hang it up. Then, the day you need it, just slip it back over your head, and snug the knot. That works until you get good at it... or you find a woman (or man) who can tie your tie for ya... :lol:

Hey Ren, It's good to see you back here, man. We've missed you and hoped you're well. Sorry to hear about the BS at work. At least you will have your name change very soon which will remove one of their stupid arguments. But like michael said, I also wonder if they are making a case against you. Good for you to document their actions and words. That is very important to do. More notes is better, so write it all down every day... And I'm happy how you and your BF are working on this together. You're being very considerate of him too, which I'm sure he appreciates. We need to be gentle and patient with our SO's! Hugs, Emma P.S. Have fun tying the tie! They are hard to get used to, to get the lengths right. Give yourself plenty of time to repeat it until it's just right!

Well... it has been my experience that when these "claims" and accusations of inadequacy, ineptitude and attitude start coming out of the woodwork - suddenly, without warning, viciously and especially by more than one superior... they are trying to stack a case against an employee in an attempt to have good reason to fire the employee. Now...maybe this isn't the case. Maybe they are just "acting out," incapable of processing your gender identity. *Bullying you because they can...initiating confrontations when no one else is around, and later can relate the encounter they way they want to. But it sure smacks of the kind of thing I've seen, and have had happen to me personally. Luckily and ironically, an incident occurred that gave me the upper hand, and threw them off their game and began a scramble on their parts to cover their @$$es, leaving me alone... and I kept my job. *Sounds like bullying to me anytime you are not allowed to speak at any point during a meeting in which your performance is being addressed.

I went back to work on Monday and had a pretty good idea how it would be as in acceptance with other co-workers. After four days no surprises, everyone I worked with or came in contact with where fine with me. One women whom I use to work with many years ago, still works there but in another section came over this morning and chatted with me. She was happy for me and said I looked great. Another woman who is in my area but I do not have contact with came over this afternoon and started off with that she was fine with me using the ladies restroom as were everyone she had talked too. She was talking to one female employee who asked her “Who is the new employee” talking about me. Then she said that Kevin Gallagher (me) and Karen Payne (me) could easily be related. That was just too funny. Then she goes on to say that she (me) looks great in skinny jeans, I laughed then before I could say anything the woman talking to me says “I agree” and that you have a great butt and look even better in leggings (which I wore today). There were other conversations that we “glad to see you back Karen”, small chit-chat and that was it. There were a handful who walked right by me and thought they did not approve of what I did but four out of five later came over to my desk and said they did not recognize me while the other I only saw once so unsure of them. So the week has ended on a good note as tomorrow I work at home. I am feeling great now.

Karen, I am so happy for you! Monica

Hi Emma, How did it go in the end, I'm reading your blog a day later than you posted it. Hope it went ok in the end. Eve

XD i cheated and bought a tie that zips tight or loose LOL get it? ZIP TIE HAHAHAHA. I'm easily amused....

Did you know that the MTF to FTM percentage is 2.5 versus one? In the 1990s-2002, the estimated count for transgendered MTF was 14,000-20,000, versus the 1,000-8,000 FTM. Of course the numbers HAVE changed since that time, but the ratios stayed about the same. MTF transgenders greatly outnumber the amount of FTM individuals. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure if we'll ever really know. But the point is, finding any form of anything for a transgender is usually limited down to MTF. I've done some research in attempts to figure out estimates on surgery costs, and sadly I keep hitting dead ends at times, being told they "only treat Male to Female cases" and that they dont know much about "female to male cases". I find that rather frustrating. Why are there so few resources for Transguys? All the medical clinics in my local area within driving reasons only offer surgical advice or support to Male to female. Not that I dont support the MTF, because I totally do! You gals need just as much help as us guys, and I'm totally cool with that. But I hate being so limited. It doesnt seem very fair :/ In the journey to even finding a therapist to chat with about being transgendered, I'd had to tell them that I'm "FTM" because theyve tried to put me with a MTF-only help aid. Though I'm sure that the therapy and whatnot is basically the same, it seems that the percentage of people who help in those sorts of things are generally MTF-only rated. Theres not many who specify on BOTH genders and not just transchicks. Any of you guys out there who are like me and find yourself constantly being turned away because you're a transguy not a transgirl or simply crossdressing, or being assumed you're simply Lesbian for the way you dress or act (which is totally stupid btw), you'll know what I mean when I say "WHAT THE F---!?" Someone once told me (not sure how true it is) that there are more MTF because of a genetic percentage while in the womb. That biological-male children can/do recieve high loads of female hormone from the mother/host, and that plays a large part of the whole transgender process. But biological-female children can only get testosterone/male-hormone from some other source, which makes it more rare to occur. Which makes sense, when you think about it. When a woman has a child, sometimes the hormones from the previous birth or sibling can stay in the womb or whatnot, and linger for the next child. That's why a lot of siblings have very simular features sometimes. It's not just the same mother, its some of the same hormones. I have an older sister ahead of me, but my mom was also very prone to miscarriages. Between me and every one of my four siblings, there were at least two to three miscarriages. Between me and my older sister, there were three. One female, and two male. Maybe I got high levels of extra hormone from the two male children that were never born? I'm not sure how true this whole theory is. Some medical student told me about it, and it seemed to make sense to me at the time. POINT IS: As discouraging as it is to be part of a failing percentage of transgendered, the world hasnt ended. Yes, most of the transgender help that you seek out will be generally populated towards the Transwomen, but it doesnt mean that there are none at all. Though I'm having difficulty finding someone to chill out with who's a transguy, and to get some advice from, it doesnt mean I'll never find it. (I've called several transgender communities in my area/state, and have been told that they normally have only transwomen there or that their medical resources are mainly targeted for the transwomen and they dont have a doctor to help out the transmen. Grr.) Perhaps my therapist that I get to meet finally will be able to help me out. I know they're sending me there not only for the transgender help, but also for my anxiety and depression issues. But hopefully they also took the transgender part of it into account too and didnt shove me with a doctor who knows nothing about us. That would certainly be frustrating, since a lot of my anxiety and depression centers around my gender identity! Hang in there guys, there's always something! "There's always something" Violet from Lemony Snickets Series of Unfortunate Events Warren

My thoughts exactly. Theyre trying to convince the higher beings that I'm coping attitude and such so they can fire me.

Emma, Beautiful photography! Wanted to be a cowgirl growing up . . . jealous of the kids that grew up on farms! My back ACHES looking at those pictures! Wish your wife could look at the ENTIRE article before passing judgement . . . Monica

Hi Warren, While I am also puzzled about "how" we become transgender, the effects of improper timing/amounts of hormones in the womb and all, the gender therapist I'm seeing (who has >40 years experience!) is confident that the number of MTF transwomen and FTM transmen is the same. She says that transmen are under-reported due to things like it's easier (more socially acceptable) for a transman to crossdress in masculine clothing which can mitigate their need for more expression or bodily changes. Not that that affects you but I thought you'd find it interesting. Hugs, Emma

Hi Eve, Thanks for asking. Yes, I think it went fine overall, but it was amazing how worried she really is about the possibility of my being gay. I think that stems from two things: 1. It's hard to dismiss the assumption that one who is transgender or crossdresses is gay. 2. If I am gay then she worries that I will eventually leave our marriage. I offered to show her the NYT article on my computer but she didn't want to. She asked me to provide a summary off the top of my head, which I suspect was a way to test how much I had read the article versus just looking at the photos (of which she's only seen the one). I assured her again that she has nothing to worry about but she got pretty teary saying that she had been very worried in the morning. Poor thing, she's really on edge these days. Emma

I hope you don't mind my adding to this. The reason I suggested writing everything down is to make sure you don't have to rely on memory. We all have trouble at times remembering details. I am not thinking that you will directly share your notes with anyone other than, perhaps, your BF. Before you meet with management, I suggest that you: 1. Re-read your notes so they are fresh in your mind. 2. Summarize the incidents. For example, group them into different "types" or by different individuals. Like, "On 3 occasions, T__ did ____, and at least twice, Chef H said ____." This is the way management likes to hear things: in quick summaries. Then, if needed, they can ask for more details. 3. Create the details from your notes. Again, short and sweet. Just the facts! By doing the above you will demonstrate to management that you are professional and perhaps more importantly, fully prepared if legal action is ever needed. Good luck, Emma

Hahahaha!! A zip tie? Never heard of such a thing. Really, learning to tie a tie is a rite of passage. We need to get you a real tie! But I'll tell you what: I hate 'em. They seem like such a silly accoutrement to men's wear. I mean, what do they do but add a little design and cover shirt buttons! :-) And, from now on, you have to worry about the neck size on your shirts. There's (almost) nothing worse than choking after buttoning the top button. :)

I think another reason we are "under-reported" is that we're just not taken seriously. And that situation existed even before we come out. No matter how great the U.S. claims to be, or is believed to be, no matter how it preaches equality for all, females still are not as important.* Too many trans boys are considered nothing but tomboys. Think about it... if a boy says he wants to be a girl, everyone (including women) will bend over backwards and jump thru their skin and several hoops and loops to convince him he doesn't want to be a girl. They will do all they can to convince him of that. If a girl says she wants to be a boy, she's either told she's just being silly, or she's ignored, or she's patronized, or she's told all little girls want to be boys until they [reach a certain age], or boys are nasty. It's just not taken seriously. AND... when have you ever seen a trans boy/man post about his parents having tried to "beat the boy out" of him? Seems it's only trans girls that experience beatings at the hands of unapproving, unaccepting, homo-/transphobic parents. Quite often, females are raised learning that anything they have to say is insignificant, of little importance. Their voice carries no weight. Some, after a while, learn to just say nothing. *I read an article several years ago that indicated, even is the U.S., there are many more couples who decide not to have more children if their first born is male, as compared to couples who's first born is female. In more cases than not, if the first born is female, an attempt will be made to produce a son.

Hey Veronica, Yeah, hahaha! Silly me about the mountain movie... DOH! Emma

I found this on You Tube, the poem at the end really blew me away.............. I can't really think of what more to say after that, other than I have troubesome neighbours who want to stare.........they make my heart heavy......... Eve x

Eve and Emma, Alice passes PERFECTLY! She is beautiful INSIDE & OUT. Must confess, I would give her a run for her money! (Hope that doesn't sound too chauvinistic!!) Monica

Alice is beautiful as is her poem. Thank you for posting this! Emma

Dear Lisa, I do wish you the very best with your wife. No doubt your decision will be hard for her and therefore, for you as well. The main advice I've heard is to try to be as patient and understanding as you can be with her. After all, your gender concerns and thoughts have been with you (probably in lots of forms and worries) for most of your life. She needs time and support to process all of this. Hugs for you both, Emma

Ladies - Kristila mentioned that a member "was feeling down," and that "one of the things was that men are sending her unwanted friend requests and messages on social sites." I realize [in this case] that the unwanted attention was on another site, but I want to remind all of you, that if you receive unwanted attention here on the forum... please let a moderator know - we can't do anything about a problem if we don't know about it. Since this isn't a social network or site, we don't have to put up with that kind of activity. Unwanted contact, especially if the individual continues after s/he has been either ignored or asked to stop, is not tolerated. -Mike

Karen, that is a really wonderful story!

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I am feeling much better now, even though I feel totally wrong about my body. I did update my privacy settings on FB again. I am going to need to get moving on seeing the endocrinologist and hormones. I am also going to need to update my wife. I am sure that this is going to really upset her, even though I told her in January that I was most likely going to need to do this. Wish me blessings (or luck!) Thank you all so very much, Love, Lisa

Manifesto of Chara Jo The world sees me a man, I am not! My brains sees me a woman, it is fooled! Truth both visible and invisible, I am both, and I am neither! I am the third gender, I travel apart.

Karen, Great story. Still not getting the "forgot" part. Unless it's that you had not seen her since your procedure. I can understand why she appreciates you for you. She probably felt the same way about you when you were a "different" you than you are now? I'm just curious about what age this person is. My kids friends still refer to my wife and I as "mom & dad", even now that they are in they're early 30's. I suppose if they wanted to call us "mom & pseudo-mom" I could live with that! Veronica

It's a wonderful day, today. My wife is away this morning on business and while I miss her I have the opportunity to be myself for a couple of hours. After my shower I dressed with some feminine underthings (well concealed by layers of more masculine apparel) and headed out to our regular Sunday haunts, the coffee shop in Palo Alto, Trader Joe's, and the farmer's market, where I picked up long-stemmed tulips, a couple of heads of lettuce, some fresh asparagus, and cauliflower. Now, I'm at my computer, having changed into my dress, and listening to a Karla Bonoff "best of" album. Life feels pretty good at the moment. Later today I'll head back out to buy some fish for tonight's dinner, and after, we'll dive back into a couple of episodes of House of Cards and a rather large bowl of popcorn. This week will definitely be interesting. On Wednesday evening we have a couple's meeting with my therapist. Thinking about it now I'm a bit apprehensive but I think it will be okay. Thursday afternoon I have a 1:1 meeting with the same therapist. He asked me to bring my small collection of female clothing, which I plan to do. We didn't talk about what the goal is but I assume that by doing that I'll further see through experience that I am really okay. On Thursday evening I will attend the monthly TG support group. Last week I bought some black ballet flats on Amazon which actually fit! (I did a fair amount of research into foot measurements, and took an educated guess of my size which turned out to be 11M. Here's a funny aside: I measured my left foot's length and width to determine the size; I learned later when I received the shoes that my right foot is slightly larger. It still fits okay but I'm trying to stretch it a little with a shoe tree.) For the meeting I plan on wearing some black tights under my jeans and then change into my ballet flats nearby, for the meeting and dinner afterward. They say we should take baby steps and I know by many measures these are indeed small steps. It's great to have something to look forward to. Have a nice week! Emma * Illustration from Once Upon an Alphabet by Oliver Jeffers

Hi Lisa, I'm so happy to read that you found this helpful. I really did too and love the opportunity to share it. Writing like this helps me as well. For example I emailed this to my therapist and brought a hard copy for my meeting with him today. So many details to try to remember and keep sorted! Like the minutes of a meeting I use these as an extension of my memory. :-) I'm glad to hear that you're also availing yourself of therapy. I'd be way too impatient to only go once/month but I imagine you're busy. My therapist and I are like friends, in some ways. For me, his office is the only place in the world where I can just be Emma. Such a relief, isn't it? Makes me happy and I look forward to next Thursdays meeting. Hugs, Emma

Emma, Great post. Very helpful. One thing that someone told me is that it is not just our transition is our spouse's. They may see themselves as now being with someone who is a woman, and thus a lesbian. The other point your therapist made about gender concerns being identical between men and women, really makes sense. Thank you so much for sharing so much detail. That is such deeply personal information, I know that everyone here appreciates it. And I hope that anyone thinking of going to therapy with someone who specializes in gender issues, reads this post and does it. I've only been going since November, approximately once a month. But it has helped me tremendously. --Lisa

I told of coming out to my wife in My Journey so far , it was my first blog on 30th Jan. I'll send you a direct message tomorrow morning GMT with more detail, in the meantime goodnight, time for zzz's Eve

Hi Eve, I tried to find your blog entry regarding your telling your wife but didn't find it. I looked through a couple but not all so maybe I missed it. I agree with taking it slowly. A couple of months ago I was in a frenzy as I assumed that I had to come to some serious conclusions soon or else my wife might split up from me. Even though she told me that she'd give it a year or so I didn't trust her. I also felt that it would help her if I was able to quickly report "progress." Not really! My quick reports caused a lot of grief, or at least they triggered them. Since then I've taken it a day at a time. And last weekend even though we drove about three hours in each direction to a friends house, we didn't talk about anything related to transgender or what's going on with me. I think that was good as we both needed a breather. At the gender therapists meeting I mentioned that I'd once had a desire to go to a service in Seattle that offers a complete Crossdressing experience for 2-3 days but that my interest had waned. She seemed to encourage me to rethink this but didn't press the point. Last night I was thinking that yes, I may very well go later this year but right now is not the right time especially for my wife. I'm so happy for you that you are able to make your transition and to stay with your wife. The best of both worlds, I'm sure. Hugs to you too, Emma

Emma, That's a very good blog and much of it reminds me of my own past experiences. I was content at first to wear underclothes under male clothes, and then later on to cross-dress more completely but with no make-up or wig. I hid it all from my wife. You've read my first blog regarding telling my wife, so I won't repeat it here, but I have taken a long while slowing down what I knew in my heart would happen and still has to happen, complete gender change, my wife has known that I have been Trans for 3 years now and in that time I have slowly increased my femininity, without coming out as a full-time Trans Woman, It was only on Decmeber 3rd last year that I came out in the full-time femme role, or as some would call it pre-op transexual. I love my wife dearly and by taking my time it has allowed her to adjust to my becoming to all intents and purposes a woman. So please take it slowly with your wife and don't let it dominate discussion and interaction with her. Softly softly catchee monkey. My wife said to me the other day to not let my Trans thing become a disability, what she meant was that she still wanted me to do all the things that I used to do as Steve, but now as Eve. Good luck with hugs, Eve