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Usually when I write an entry here it's done with some clarity but shoot from the hip meaning, sit down and write. Today the following sounded like something that needed to get out but when starting to type was very unsure how to express what I wanted to get out. So with that said it may read a bit disjointed but I will leave that to whomever decides to read on. Today is rather interesting in how the day has gone mostly in ways I am attributing to my hormone regiment. Just now sitting on the couch watching television in a warm sweater and comfy bottoms, bare feet curled up in my favorite recliner thought to myself, two years ago I would be sitting here in tactical clothes wearing my firearm and shoes. It's not simply the clothes worn but also my emotional states, watched "A million ways to die in the West"; and at one part of the movie was dilating where that part of the movie was (today) super funny which made me laugh so hard I had to hold the dilator in, mascara running down my face from laughing so hard. Before being on hormones I think I may had chuckled a tad bit but not like what happened today. Then I was watching something else that had me all caught up in an emotional moment were a man and a woman were in a romantic setting. Have to say these things may sound trivial but they are coming across big time for me. Take one thing out of many things and no big deal but putting all the little things together show me what the hormones are doing to me. I read countless postings on the web where people talk more about physical things and not so much what is going inside of them. My former self and my current self are becoming like night and day in many ways and it's happening ever so slowly, kind of like one day my hair is short then next thing I know it's several inches longer, like when did that happen. So at least for me, hormones have crept up on me every so slowly stealing away the last remnants of who I once was, today there really is nothing left of the male and could not be happier.

All my life, I have felt wrong. And I do mean all my life. Since before I could even put a full definition to what gender even was. I have always felt off in my own body, as though the world I expected and desired did not sync at all with what was happening around me, happening to me. I have hidden from my true self all my life. I did what was expected of me, what was expected of all boys...to be a man. To do all the things boys are supposed to do. Act the way boys are supposed to act. I have the brain of a female. In all likelihood it is biological, caused during foetal formation by little more than a slightly “off” series of hormonal developments. My mind is a girl’s, but it’s in the body of a boy, and it has been this way for the entirety of my existence, regardless of how I’ve been raised or how my worldly experiences have influenced me. Imagine for a second here what that would be like. Imagine you, a girl or boy, in the opposite body, and unable to do anything about it. You see the world as a guy or girl, but have to live as a girl or guy, pushed along by societal current, tradition, and bare survival instinct into positions and identities that are increasingly uncomfortable to you, unpalatable to you. Everything about your existence is laced with lies, and it feels like there’s nothing that you can do about it. This is how it is for me. This is how it’s always been for me. If you’ve always seen me as a Herculean pillar of masculinity, then I guess it just means I’m a good faker. I’m sorry if this makes you feel betrayed, or wronged. That’s never what I wanted to do. For years I felt that there was nothing I could do about what I felt, and so for years I didn’t intend to do anything about it. Unsurprisingly, this did not work. Transsexuality, I have found, is not a habit you can break, a mindset you can force your way out of, or something you can treat with psychotherapy or drugs. It is a genetic construction that will never, ever change, but as it turns out, there is something that can be done about it. I’ve always known it was a possibility, but until now I’ve been too terrified to make it a reality. It took time, it took lots of time, for me to build up the courage to admit to myself that it would be a mistake to continue living as a male. To understand that any apprehensions that I had about doing anything to solve my problems were very much outweighed by the problems themselves, and the implications that they would have on my well- being for the rest of my life. May 10, 2014 my life came to a cross-road. I was at the point of Transition or commit suicide. So I’m doing something about it, and I’m transitioning from male to female. It’s the only cure for my condition, and I am more than happy to take it on. Above all of the rest, this is the part I want you to understand the most. This is the part where I’m going to be emphatic, where I’m going to be angry, and where I’m probably going to cry a little. This is the part where I want to make clear that this was NOT a choice. I am not deciding to become a girl. This is me allowing myself to be who I am, and it is the only route that I could take, because I am done lying about who I am. In transitioning from male to female, I have become a second-class citizen in the eyes of many people. I have opened myself up to discrimination and hate. I have jeopardize my likelihood of finding a life partner who accepts me. I have jeopardize my job security. I have opened myself up to abandonment and rejection by family and friends. I am diving headfirst into what is really a whole world of social trouble, and it is not something that I would choose to do. This is the next step of my life, of my existence and of my development as a human being, and this was always going to happen, because it was never my choice. Coming to grips with this has been an absurdly hard process, and it has constantly sent me into depression and loneliness. Nearly every personal problem that I’ve had over the course of my life, I can trace back almost certainly to repressed questions of gender identity. Making myself realize it and embrace it took years, and even after that the fear and uncertainty of what to do about it made me miserable. I never told anyone. I lied about what made me sad, or I just didn’t say. Coming out and actually telling someone “I’m transgendered” was a prospect far, far too scary to even consider. Instead I sank inside myself, jealous of people more brave than me and full of self-pity. It’s all because I was too scared to just tell anyone that there was something wrong with me. It took being completely low, down, and beaten for me to finally tell my best friend. It was a year after that before I told anyone else. After that person, a couple of weeks to tell another. Despite how scary it was all those times, and despite how scary it still is, it gets easier. I lost friends and family with my decision to transition. My middle daughter, age 25, has disowned me and tells people I am an embarassment. A few friends have stopped talking to me, which just tells me they never were my friends in the first place. August 21,2014 I started HRT and began the process of transition. I doubt my transition will ever end, as humans tend to evolve over time. We develope new interests and loose interest in other things. For me its just about living and being happy as the REAL me. Surgeries? After weighing all the pros and cons, I've concluded that at my age and the inevitable witing list for C.A.M.H to approve government medical coverage, not to have SRS. I will be having an Orchi done this spring. Two reasons for Orchi...to get off the spiro and to get rid of the two things that represent to me the symbol of masculinity. Ok that's all for now. Merry Meet and Merry Part, and Merry Meet Again Blessed Be Haley

I clearly don't need to go, but I somehow have decided that 35 might be the year things slow down for me. I eat half of what I used to, sometimes anything from 25% and up and I'm filled. Lets rather say, I also started a relationship which I need to end on one or two levels. Therefore I will either just say Gym, which means sex, and Go or Going to the Gym, which has the meaning of the words to exercise. GYM What I like about it is, I've finally started enjoying it, so my hiatus from August 2012 till just after my birthday was good, as I couldn't find the enjoyment in it. Not that I felt like a victim everytime, no I didn't, I'm a survivor. I was just dead, interactive like a zombie, but physically or mentally involved never. Yes, I think I should cancel the one, not only because he is trying to make me dependant on him, and I also know some of his unhealthy and detrimental activities. So cancelled is his rights. Worst part of this is, I'm allowing myself to be promiscuous with him and I don't know me like this. Now going to the Gym... This is actually why I started this blog. I hate running, but the thing that I start of with is doing a 2.4km (1.5miles) run. I'm South African and we work on km's. This doesn't want to drop to below 15 minutes, which is making me feel inadequate as a cop. But what I can say is, at 25 it took me 3 months to drop from 20 minutes to where I started off now. Just my endurance isn't what it was back then. I was fearing that exercise would counteract what my hormones were doing for my already small breast, 32A. But the counteractive thing is my heavy bulletproof. So I hate going to the gym. Right, but the positives are, my ass is staying perky, my arms and legs are firm, my breast and ass actually love the attention. I don't do more than 45 minutes, I only go to the gym for 30-45 minutes. Anything more is ridiculous. I hate that people look at me in a trouser and tells me, I'm weak and skinny. And that girls should stay out of dangerous affairs and zones. This misogynist I just cant deal with. To be clear this is my current stats: Bust / Under Bust: 85/75cm (33&1/2 / 29&1/2inches) Middle: 65cm (25&1/2inches) Hips: 93cm (36&1/2inches) Height: 174cm (5foot8&1/4inches) Weight: 60kg's (132.3Lbs). Want to stay below 140Lbs as I'm already on the heavy side for modelling too. I work to maintain my body and only allow my hips (ass) and breast to grow, as that is what HRT is doing for me. I hate that the nicest and best bodied gym instructor is leaving. But I've got a few that is staying behind, to keep me motivated. So I'm working for me and nobody else. No man is the motivation behind me or this exercise. I am, as I want to take up part time modelling and continue as being in the police services which I also love.

Karen. You are the only you I have ever known at this site. I am thankful for that. Your blog, with it's candor and clarity is going to help a lot of people I am sure. Veronica.

Michele, Going to the gym regularly (the one for exercise, not sex) will pay dividends for the rest of your life. Easy for me to say, of course. Does it feel good when you go even if you don't achieve the running speed that you used to do? For me there is something about the exercise itself that just makes me feel better. I do have goals too but even when I don't achieve them I know that the exercise itself is good for me. As far as the man goes, it sounds to me like there is something you worry about being with him. Maybe he feels good in bed but in your heart you don't trust him. I think you should listen closely to your heart and give him up. Find a new one (maybe at the gym!) so your body and your mind will be happy. Be well, Emma

Thanks a lot. The only choices I needed to make was when to start and when I'm old and strong enough for some of my family members. Come out of a family with old school rules, your elders decide if you may or not. My career was the first rebellion and my life has always been a rebellion, as I couldn't face a world of not being me. So good to be positively female.

Emma Whining sometimes is used as a method of maintaining my sanity and perspective. So will continue. Michele Ps. Thank goodness for mother choosing my name at birth, and me loving it. Amd also never needing to hide my inner or true self.

Hello Haley, As Veronica and Monica have said, you're certainly not alone here, and you are very welcome. We'd all love to hear more from you, your thoughts and opjnions in the Forum threads and here in your blog. TG Guide is a safe and supportive oasis for all trans people and its full of information. But it's also a place with its own family of friends and acquaintances that I hope you will become a regular part of. Hugs, Emma

Haley, you are NOT ALONE! Monica

I noticed WarrenG wrote in his status a link to assist him in his funding for surgery. Like Warren, many require this and think it is commendable he is reaching out to our community for support. Every little bit helps in such a cause and if you have a few dollars to spare would have you consider this as a way of assisting. Donate here http://www.gofundme.com/giveWarrenaHand For the record I made my donation today.

Hey Michele, Good to hear from you and I wish you a happy birthday although I know you're looking forward to tomorrow since it will no longer be your birthday. Wow, to be 35 again. I'll be 59 this year and you're so far ahead of me in your trans journey. I wish you the very best! Hugs, Emma