Leaderboard

One of my goals as mentioned in prior post and blog entries is to share my journey which hopefully contains decent information for others travelling down the same path. Thought it would be great to attend local group sessions to share my journey too but have not as most groups in the area are 30 to 50 miles away and are on week nights so that does not cut it for my schedule. Today I get an email from my therapist writing to ask if I would sit down with one of her clients who lives in my area living full time as a female. Seems she is at a loss for people to talk to and thought I would be perfect for talking to her as she is in a state which would be helpful for someone like me to talk with, listen and give advice too.

As I increasingly accept my transgender self I find understanding of past issues and behaviors that I have often wondered about. Two in particular have become clear very recently. 1. Unexplainable breakups As a teen and young adult I had plenty of girlfriends. I suppose I was attractive enough, "nice," and possibly they sensed a level of kindness and sensitivity that was lacking in other boys and young men. Several of these relationships went on for a long time and seemed to be headed for marriage until I just had to break it off. That was incredibly hard for me since I hated the thought of hurting these girls/women and perhaps worse, I didn't have the words to tell them why I just had to do it. Now I know. I could not find the courage or vocabulary to tell them about my transgender feelings and desires. And, I could not risk their telling other friends and associates any of it. So after the exhilaration of having a soul mate I broke it off and broke their hearts and mine. Thus, I sincerely apologize to Stacy, Leslie, Megan, Jane, Deanne, and others I've hurt. I've carried a lot of guilt over the years about my behavior and I hope that at some point you found in your hearts to forgive me. 2. Secrecy is the breeding ground for negative assumptions For most of my life I've had fears and intuitions that my parents, friends, wive(s), sons, and associates were mad at me or otherwise disappointed. I'm realizing now that the root of this is my almost unceasing review of whether or not my secret has been exposed. Also, I've always had such a strong need for external validation, often sacrificing (and rarely sharing) my wants and desires in order to gain favor. I apologize to myself for this. I also forgive myself. I really have always tried to be as good a person as I can be. Here again, accepting and disclosing my transgendered nature is good for me. You've come a long way, baby! Photo: a cathedral in Helsinki, Finland.

First off, Happy Transgender Visibility Day. I was sort of expecting more of a hoo-ha at work today for it, like they do for all the other holidays. Even for LGBT awareness day, they do a cake and ribbons and music and such. Today...I asked them to make a cake which he put next to no effort into because he didnt really seem to care, and didnt even put frosting all the way around it. The sign was thrown together in about half a minute, and it didnt even mention what kind of cake it was. Which someone pointed out to me with "Is the fact that the sign doesn't say what kind of cake it is a metaphor that means we should like it no matter what it looks like or what's on the inside?" Which I thought was a good point and it sort of made me feel a little bit better, but the point I was trying to make still went unseen. TDoV isn’t something you’re supposed to just overlook, yet people do. In the LGBT topic, I think that the T and B get strongly overlooked all the time, day in and day out. Simply because people do not understand or cannot relate. Gay is easy to understand. They like the opposite sex both affectionately and sexually. Simply put, and easy to wrap your mind around. Transgenders or Bisexuals is more complicated at times, and I’ve noticed that instead of trying to understand, people would rather just shrug it off and pretend it neither matters nor exists. I may be wrong on this theory but that’s just the way I have seen it so far. In my search for a new therapist, I’ve found countless doctors who treat Gay/Lesbian issues but only two out of twenty cover Bisexual or Transgender/Transexual issues. And even though I know it’s something I’m supposed to fully understand, I’ve yet to uncover that fine line between transGENDER and transSEXUAL. People have sent me links and such to read through it, but with my dyslexia, I can only go so far before everything I read leaves my brain or I get side tracked. I always tell people “Talk to me as if I’m five and make it easy to understand”. Sadly that’s the way I have to have people explain things to me. Feel free to give me your take on the two in the comments, and I’ll do my best to keep up Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked I’ll inset the picture of the cake they did, and although I’m glad that they actually did it, I’m still kind of bummed at the lack of effort they put into it. The baker is an excellent chef, and he worked in a fine dining restaurant making wonderful pastries and gorgeous cakes…..There’s no excuse for this. Aside from he simply didn’t give a s***. Just saying. Again, simply my opinion. The other thing that’s been bugging me (other than the constant depression knowing that my surgery is on a very high shelf that I cant reach) is “Fascination” If one more person pulls me aside for a billion questions (half aren’t appropriate to ask) about being transgendered because I’m “Fascinating”, I’ll explode. There’s a difference between being curious and nosey, and sometimes I have to simply fake being busy and run off before I can finish their questions. I’m sorry, but my sex life is my business, not theirs. And I don’t feel like answering questions about my sex life regarding my transgender “lifestyle”. That’s like me walking up to a complete stranger and going “Hey, hows it going? You have blonde hair, cool! That’s so fascinating! Tell me, how exactly do you **** your boy/girlfriend? Do they enjoy that?” Seriously people……Seriously…. On another note, I found an awesome song that I’ve become absolutely obsessed with. It’s called “You can be king again” By Lauren Aquilina. It’s rather uplifting yet soothing at the same time, and I encourage you guys to check it out. I’ll put a youtube link in the comments momentarily. Anyway, gonna stop here If you guys need to get ahold of me btw, you can find me on Facebook, gofundme, kik or imessage Simply ask, and you shall receive the proper addresses/access Yours as always, Warren

"And even though I know it’s something I’m supposed to fully understand, I’ve yet to uncover that fine line between transGENDER and transSEXUAL." Transgender is simply a "catch-all" term that puts transsexuals, crossdressers, and anyone else with any kind of gender differences or non-conformity into one big happy family. A transsexual is anyone who who has "demonstrated at least two years of continuous interest in removing their sexual anatomy and transforming their bodies and social roles," and unless things have changed, such a diagnoses does not hinge on whether one transitions or not, or is able to or not. In other words, just because someone has transitioned to include genital surgery, does not make him/her transsexual, and you "only transgender." The two terms are not meant to differentiate between one who has transitioned and one who has not (or cannot). I think a good majority of the people here (not including crossdressers and those who identify as both male and female, or neither male or female - just to simplify things), have had feelings of being "in the wrong body," or have identified with the opposite gender from a very young age. That in and of itself, makes us transsexual. You are a transsexual member of the transgender community. "I don’t feel like answering questions about my sex life regarding my transgender “lifestyle”. That’s like me walking up to a complete stranger and going “Hey, hows it going? You have blonde hair, cool! That’s so fascinating! Tell me, how exactly do you **** your boy/girlfriend?" I've never thought of this before, but it came to mind reading this blog entry. This just might stop people in their tracks. The next time somone starts questioning you, tell them, "I'll tell you all about mine, if you tell me all about your." Might work. Perhaps it will shock them to the point of not knowing what to say, and maybe cause them to be embarassed, too. -Michael

Welcome to the forums Christie. Something that might be of interest when questioning yourself is looking at the chart below and perhaps find some clarity.

I've been wanting to do this for my own purposes anyway, but since I have a blog now I should use it! In exploring my gender I've thought a lot about the past and anything that might have been an indicator of what I really was (am!). The earliest item is my very first best friend (only friend for awhile) - Missy (totally ironic that I now use that name for my drag name). I'm not even sure when we became friends, we were both younger than 5 years old though. She lived down the street from me, so to some extent it was convenience, we were the only people close to each other in age - she had a brother and sister who were both substantially older, I have a brother and sister who are older, but they lined up with other kids in the area who were around their age. Convenience wasn't everything though, we were very close and stayed close friends well into elementary school, even after both of us had met other people and could "travel" to play if we wanted. Our usual play routine involved things that I think would be typically seen as "girls" - basically "playing house" with various Fisher Price toys. I had a G.I. Joe, but it wasn't my choice, I would have preferred a Barbie (she had much better accessories!), and in my hands Joe didn't do the things that he would normally have done (he never went to war). Sadly we did drift apart - it was around the age when it was "wrong" to have friends of the other sex/gender (girls had cooties after all). I didn't have any close female friends through the rest of elementary school or high school - but I was friendly with more girls than boys (in hindsight I can see that they no doubt saw me as non-threatening, so it was easier to get closer). These weren't good years (for multiple reasons that probably had nothing to do with gender). After that I started having more female friends, and a wife. We ostensibly divorced when I came out as gay, but I can see things from the time of being married that suggested otherwise. One fairly substantial thing is that when it came to decorating the more "female" touches were generally my suggestion! I like pink, I like it anywhere that it looks good, which is pretty much anywhere (for example, I was very excited when I found that I could make this all pink! Hopefully it doesn't make it hard to read). To put an even finer point on it, we didn't paint our living room pink, we painted it "dusty rose." My choice. I'm sure I tried to keep some check on it, but not with complete success. Later on I would ascribe that to being gay, but now... Since then I've pretty much always had at least one very close female friend. Again I would have typically said that it was because I'm gay - but I honestly don't know many of my gay friends who routinely have female friends, they tend to stay more to themselves (I'm also not denying the possibility that both sexuality and gender play a role in this). I'll save the more recent indicators for later xoxo Christie

Hey Christie, my story mirrors yours except as it turned out my preschool friend was a boy who grew up into a gay man. He and I spent a lot of fun times playing with little characters, making up stories for them to be together, things that are more often ascribed to girls. Thank you for your blog post; I hope to keep hearing more from you! Emma

Best of Luck Karen ! :)

Hey Warren, As always, man, you rock. You bring a smile to my face. In fact, I'd say you're... Fascinating!!!! :-) Emma

Lauren Aquilina's song "King"

But of course :-)

Perhaps you will also suggest she check out and join our community!

This is going to sound strange and perhaps obscured too many yet I have to question the validity of the real world and what is beyond or parallel to the known world. Although I infrequently visited my sister while alive when we did there was this connection between us, same when we talked on the phone coast to coast. When I had not seen her because we lived on different coast I did not think about her but when I visited her and her husband in 2004 not seeing her for ten years it was fantastic yet I let things slip again until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2013. I only called her twice after that and was told by my mother after she passed that she was upset with me for not calling her more. Of course I felt emotional and wished I had called her more. Yesterday it really hit me that she was gone and I, Karen was born. I was essentially conceived in 2013 as this was when I affirmed my decision to become Karen and leave Kevin behind. Is it a coincident that Karen was conceived when my sister passed? Yesterday when my mind conjured this up I could not stop thinking of the things that transpired then. For me I have experienced and witness things in my past that make me pause and contemplate "what if" there is something else besides this physical life which comes from a person who without witnessing things in my past that defy laws that govern our physical known world could exists? I wrestled with this all day yesterday and has seeped into today and think it will haunt me as there is no way I can come to terms with a reasoning behind this special and unexplainable connection between my sister and me. Did my sister have to pass for Karen to emerge or is it something my mind conjured up to make sense of the loss of my sister. I think a therapist could rationalize these thoughts with a plausible response but I think that my mind will still go back to my current reasoning’s which as mentioned before defies all known logic. Guess I will have to accept that this cannot be answered and live life in her honor. Right now I am flooded with emotions.

Oh good, I'm glad you're reading it that way. I brought it to my first meeting with a gender therapist. She was very familiar with it and showed me where it originated in (I think I recall this correctly) Harry Benjamin's very famous and groundbreaking book. She advised that I approach it the way you are. About the on-line quizzes: they are fun in their way but, really, they are crap! We all would like simple answers but if there was a way to objectively identify one as transgender and/or their placement (as it were) under the TG umbrella I'm sure that we would find it in more professional venues. Indeed, my gender therapist who has over forty years experience with >2000 TG clients doesn't have such a thing! I wish she did, though... :-)

I agree, it's helpful but I know it won't resolve everything for me (as much as I love spreadsheets!). A quick reading of it suggests that I'm somewhere between Types III and IV - but a year ago I probably would have said I and II - so the evolution continues! I find something similar with the various on-line quizzes - none can or should be taken too seriously, but occasionally they'll throw in a question which in itself gives me something to think about.

I'd like to express some thoughts about the table Karen provided. Indeed, it's helpful in that it shows some of the range and variety of transgender people, as well as an introduction to some vocabulary and other aspects, such as sexuality. However, my impression (subject always to further learning!) is that, for example, it is quite possible that one may find dressing to be erotic and yet still be a transsexual who may or may not transition. This is an important point since some years back it was thought that if one did find dressing to be erotic then they must be a sort of fetishistic crossdresser. That had some logic (however flawed). So I suggest that the chart be used as a bridge or stepping stone in ones learning but not taken too literally.

Thanks!

Hi Christie, It's great to see your new blog; like everyone here, I encourage you to keep writing. It's wonderful to have new members! I'm also trying to figure out where I'll end up in my transgender journey, and also fairly shy about what I show to the outside world. A month ago when I attended a local (monthly) therapist-led transgender support group I wore a new pair of flats (black) that I'd ordered on Amazon. Woo hoo! They liked them fine, but I chickened out when, after the meeting, several of us went out for dinner. In the car, I changed my shoes. This Thursday is the next meeting and I intend to wear the flats again, and this time, wear them to dinner too. Also, I have a new rather androgynous long-sleeved top that I'm going to wear. Why not? I am what I am, which happens to be transgender. I'm a nice person and deserve to feel good about myself especially when out with friends. See you! Emma

Dear Michael, I, for one, refuse to attend the MichFest. It is another sad example of people who were victimized by the predominant culture, only, to turn around and, instead of helping those behind them, trash them. There are other Lesbian organizations who also exhibit transphobia, and I rejoice that the leading TLGB organizations are calling them on it. Not that long ago, because I was one of the few Lesbians working for a TLGB Hotline (the Lesbian hotline failed due to lack of interest in the Lesbian community), I was the victim of a hate campaign by the local Lesbian community. I followed my mother's advice, may God rest her soul, "be kind and civil to everyone, but choose your friends carefully." I thank the Gaymale and Transgender community for being there for me and being my friend. Yours truly, Monica