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Hi all, After a very affirmative weekend I'm feeling a little "overcast." It's certainly fueled in part by other things going on in my life (i'm sure I mentioned in another entry that I have a job that I often hate), but it's drifting over here. I know there are some people on here who are around my age (i'm 48, 49 in july), so i'm hoping somebody might have some words of encouragement if they'very felt this way. I'very been thinking back about my childhood a lot recently, thinking about early indicators of being transgender, and while it's been useful in that sense, I also can't help but wonder who I could have been - and who I never will be - because I couldn't be free to be myself back then. I know that living with regret is useless, but sometimes I feel completely powerless against it. I hope that when this passes (and I do know that it will), I can channel the feeling sonehow, maybe do something to help the next generation more so that they can live the fullest lives that they can. But for now I just wonder why I couldn't. That's all I have on this for now - thank you for listening Xoxo Christie

Hi all, I heard about this book in several blogs and/or forums last week as I was catching up, and I immediately purchased it. I've gotten about a quarter of the way through it (I picked up the pace considerably when I decided to read it during my commute, which is when I do most of my reading). I just finished the section on childhood years and it's already had a substantial impact on my thinking. In terms of being transsexual I would probably say that I'm not, but as I read more I become less and less convinced of that. I'd still say probably not, but the book is definitely making me think more. There were just so many examples they discuss of how children respond to being transgender that resonated with me (if it had just been a couple it might have been coincidence, but it was more). So to anyone and everyone who mentioned the book - thank you! xoxo Christie

My mother called last night for chit-chat and to my surprise we got into a discussion about sex. Should I be surprised? Well before transitioning she would never talk about this subject but now its fair game. I have mentioned this before, before transitioning my mother and other females would never broach the subject about many female things and now it is the complete opposite. Speaking to cisgender females is an entirely new ballgame, especially with my mother and my best female friend. Men have no clue to what females talk about and wonder if they think we are talking about. Personally, in the beginning I would listen more than talk but now I am getting into joining in as others prompt me too, guess they got tired of me not talking and just listening :)

Hi Christie, I'm a decade older if that's any consolation and I feel the exact same way. I really don't know what else I can say. I know exactly what you mean. It's sad, isn't it? I don't mean to wallow in a pity party but I'd sure have preferred to have been born female. I look at little girls around my neighborhood and, well, I can't help but be a bit envious. Emma

I certainly never felt comfortable talking to either of my parents about sex. :-)

I think we should challenge binaries like this. Some transgender folk like myself aren't male or female and are excluded in so many binary exclusive spaces. It's led to a lot of stigma about my own sexuality because neither parent was ever comfortable talking to me about sex and gender. Parents, regardless of gender, should speak openly and confidently about sex to their children, regardless of their children's gender.

I believe you are right about this Monica

Karen, in my opinion, mothers and daughters feel more comfortable talking about sex, just as father and sons prefer to talk to each other about sex. Interestingly, women will talk to other women about sex, just as men talk to other men about sex. Think over time, your mother will treat you more and more like the daughter you are to her. Monica

You go girl! :)

Emma, I'm so sorry you had to go through that! It's horrible to be confronted like that in any situation, but especially in a group therapy session that should be supportive. I hope Susan can do something to resolve it in a fully satisfactory way. Personally, I can certainly understand the desire to understand why Pamela did what she did, but it might just lead to greater frustration since you can never be sure unless she tells you. If she's already prone to be like that it might have been made worse by something going on in her life. I don't mean to suggest that as an excuse, it's not, but a possible explanation. I think the most important thing to remember is that whatever it was, it was on her and you shouldn't internalize it (and believe me, I know that's easier said than done, i'be let myself feel hurt over far less incidemts). At least you have this space as an alternate venue, certainly not a substitute for in person meetings, but it's somewhere to turn. XOXO Christie

Karen, Your courage never ceases to impress me! I'm glad I've only had the one talk about sex with my kids I needed to, which was "DO NOT F*%! this up". I know they happy with they're gender and they're selves. They seem well educated and are inlusive and tolerant. I'm glad I don't have to worry them in they're personal lives. They seem to maintain agood balance. The funny thing about "girl" talk? Yeah. I know what girls talk about. I must say I enjoy it immensely. Veronica.

I guess I'll really need to get better at walking in heels ....

Last week I had a disturbing experience at the therapist-led Transgender support group meeting I attend each month. It left me sad and disillusioned, and depressed. Today, five days later, I'm feeling better so that's good. I've thought about writing this in my blog but I've been very torn. I don't like to hear myself complain or whine and I don't know what the point of this post is anyway. Maybe we'll learn together. Prior to the support group meeting things were looking brighter. My wife had told me that she wants us to stay together, and that while she still has lots of reservations about what I'm dealing with, she wants us to work it out. And on Wednesday evening we had a couples meeting with our therapist that was very productive. Thursday evening was the TG support group. I'm gradually feeling a little more confident/adventurous so I wore my ballet flats as well as a new women's long sleeved shirt that I ordered from REI. It's pretty androgynous but with its sleeve details and boatneck it's definitely not male. One more little step for me. As usual, the moderator/therapist (I'll call her Susan) called on the members around the room one by one to talk about what's going on for them. There were four transsexual women (at least on HRT and a couple have had their GCS surgery). The first one talked about some things going on for her at work. Evidently she's an executive at a local technology company. The second one talked about lectures she's been giving at Stanford and some papers she's writing or contributed to. The third one (I call her Pamela, more about her later) talked about having a retaining wall built at her house and travel plans she and her wife have coming up, and the fourth was tired and didn't talk much. Finally, Susan got to me. I was surprised that no one seemed to have anything to say about being transgender or whatever. I figured, okay, I'm the new girl and not nearly as far along. So, I started by giving them an update on how things are going better for me, how I'm finally internalizing to myself that I am in fact transgender. I made a small joke that I'm probably the first person to question that about themselves. Pamela, who is 72 and fully transitioned, often tends to set herself up as the know-it-all and this evening was no different in that regard. For some reason she started firing questions at me and making statements, like: "The most important thing is how well you pass as a woman." I responded that I am not ready for that but that yes, eventually, I may want to, but I may end up being satisfied coming only "part of the way out" in public. "If your gender is female then you need to decide what kind of female you are. And if you don't know you'd better do some serious introspection." I told her that in fact I have done one heck of a lot of introspection and that gradually I think I'm making progress. "Or maybe you're just going to give up on this?" As if I might purge or otherwise decide I am not transgender. As if she cares or has a reason to care? I told her that no, at this stage in the game for me, it's clear that I cannot deny it. About this time I asked her why she was hectoring me like she was, "pushing my back against the wall." She responded that I had asked her questions (which I had not) and that therefore she has the right to ask me questions too. She went on for a while longer. I felt like I was on the witness stand and unless I kept answering and in a nice way I was going to lose. I almost started crying a couple of times. Finally, Susan (the therapist) said I was doing fine and we kind of stopped. Since I was the last one, we then made plans for where we would meet for dinner. As I left the office I noticed that Susan's mouth and lips were kind of trembling. I wondered why but later on reflection I think she was also deeply affected. The following morning I woke up very sad, despondent. I realized that the whole thing had affected me very deeply. I wrote this email to Susan: Dear Susan, You asked me at dinner how I was doing and I thought I was fine. This morning I'm sad. Pamela was mean and rude to me last night. Maybe it sounds silly but I came close to crying a couple of times; even now as I think about the interchange with her I am tearing up. To me, "transgender support group" is a meeting where it's understood that we're all at different places in our journeys and its members are there for each other, to support, provide their thoughts and ideas, and overall, provide a safe place to be vulnerable and open among what might become a group of friends and compatriots. Instead, Pamela took the opportunity to question everything about me, if I'm "woman enough", committed to being trans enough, present feminine enough, ... all cast in the "reasonable" light of "Well, you asked me questions so I can ask you too." I asked questions of the group, not of Pamela specifically, and certainly not of the insulting nature of her's. I suppose she has her own issues and maybe that's one reason she attends the group. On the way to our cars Katie kindly patted me on the back for standing up to Pamela, saying she needs to be taken down a peg or two from time to time. Fine, but that's no excuse for Pamela's being a bully. Our conceptions of what it means to be female are based on inner feelings, observations, and perhaps some wishful thinking. To me, part of being feminine means it's okay to be lighthearted and sweet, vulnerable and feeling, sensitive and caring. So, I am saddened this morning as I consider what happened and what I should do next. Pamela gave me an insincere apology at dinner. I am glad she will not attend the meeting until August. I'm not sure but I doubt I will attend future meetings when she will be present. Emma Here is the email I received from Susan: Emma, I was upset re group interaction last nite as well. I could not sleep. I plan to talk to Pamela via phone later this afternoon or before she leaves for Paris. She was definitely confrontive. I am not sure what she was trying to do. I do understand your feelings and suspect the others felt the same way. I agree with your description of being feminine. Try to put it away. She is not important in your life. Susan So that's it. This confrontation brought up so much for me. Like arguments I had with my mother when I was preschool and could not express myself. Or when I was taunted and teased by neighborhood bullies in elementary school, whom I wanted to be friends with. The weekend sucked, as I kept replaying the whole thing. I'm sure we'll discuss this at the next support group meeting when, thankfully, Pamela will not attend because she'll be travelling. Unfortunately that will be four weeks from now. I don't know what set her off. Not that there is a reasonable justification for her behavior. Maybe she's impatient with me. After all, she's transitioned, about 10-15 years ago, maybe she thinks I'm being whimpy. Or maybe she was pissed that I seem to be making slow progress, and that I'm not at all sure I will want or need to transition. Like I said, I thought this meeting was supposed to be a safe place. Susan didn't interrupt Pamela and I don't know why. I suspect she was caught completely off guard. Maybe what seemed to take 10 minutes to me was only a couple and it took her a while to react? I forgive her nonetheless. And here again, I'll be asking about it when we meet again. So what's the point(s) we should take from this? I guess that it's just real life in action. Crap happens. I'd like to say it doesn't matter. I feel like I'd be a better person if I did. Over time I'm sure I'll be okay. Emma

Thank you, Christie. In some ways I really don't give a darn what set her off, nor do I really want to hear it. What she owes me is a deep and sincere apology. Maybe then we could be friends. I hope so. I have decided that I will continue to attend the meeting in August. I'm not going to let Pamela "win" or know she got to me, or allow her to control me. But I will be careful when I'm around her, you can be sure of that. Hugs Emma

I'm with Emma, I can't imagine ever talking with either of my parents about sex, but then I grew up in a VERY waspy family, nothing emotional or physical was ever discussed.

Emma and Veronica, Thank you both so much for your kind feedback The clouds seemed to have passed right now. I wasn't that sure this morning, but I got up and went to the gym and now feel ok (it helped that I got my latest Kohl's order yesterday, which included some cute new gym clothes). So ironically my cloudy day has passed just as an actual cloudy day has descended. xoxo Christie

Monica, I agree with you. She's an older woman (about 70, I think) and I guess she was caught flat-footed. Before we went to dinner (while the meeting was adjourning) I noticed that her lips were kind of trembling. At the time I assumed it was kind of an older-woman's twitch if you know what I mean, but when we were at dinner she asked me how I was doing. I told her that I was fine (and the transwoman in question was sitting next to me and I didn't want to get into another confrontation anyway). In hindsight I could have asked Judy (the therapist) how she was doing since evidently she was also affected by the whole thing. Anyway, she promised to follow up and I'm hopeful it will all blow over. The other two transwomen in last night's meeting are delightful and I enjoy their company a lot. Emma

Jennilee, I am now very cautious about what pictures I post on like facebook and other social sites. I used to have a pic of my sister and I in matching Easter dresses when we were little. I thought it was a perfectly innocent and cute picture, but I got some of the creepiest comments from men that I've ever seen, even from a few guys that I thought were really nice. I also stopped posting full body pictures in dresses when a couple ended up on tumblr "she-male" sites. It's a shame that we can't post pictures that other girls would without weird comments or drawing unwanted attention.

I've heard them all.. and also as you say alot more which really cannot post up. With men, I find its really the chase which they are most interested in. They love their ego boosted and expect that we are flattered that they have shown an interest. I've had a few where the chase for them ends up being very abusive to me because I make it clear that I have no interest in them. Ive been sworn at, cursed at, and called all sorts of names, and also been called a freak. I'm not on any dating sites as I am in a relationship, but I am on other social media where I'm quite the compusive selfie taker..lol

My mom has opened me as her other Daught. and told the rest of the family accept and get on with life. My friends all are so open and been the back bone seeing me along the ad f who and what I am. I now nedto let my twitter friends so my change.Plese help me do that a bit scared. .